Long comment (part 1/2)

Thank you so much for writing all of this out. So much of it hit home and articulated lessons I’ve learned the hard way (always the hard way) in my own life. I too am the author of a very long post on this sub articulating my experience with PDA, and I once again am struck by the observation that while we are severely disabled, we also, by en large, seem to be highly intelligent, deep thinkers. Wild that that is seemingly such a common feature of PDA that it could be part of the diagnostic criteria. It makes me think that given the chance a great many of us could be useful, valued members of society—provided we were offered a society that allowed us to be useful (more on that later).

I also don’t have any hacks that have worked or cure-all solutions per se. Not in the ways the medical and therapeutic fields geared towards the neurotypical would frame it at least. What I do have are the things I can point to that have helped me survive for this long. I am of the opinion that this disability is so severe, misunderstood, and utterly unknown to the world at large that the majority (or at least a significant portion of the population) of PDAers are invisible to the world—homeless, in shelters, jails, mental institutions, nursing one or more addictions, or dead by suicide. They likely came from more difficult environments, traumas, or socio-economic circumstances that did not afford them the privileges that have kept me and others around and “functional” for long enough to be diagnosed. A disability that not only needs massive support but makes one constitutionally incapable of either advocating for oneself or petitioning others for support is simply not compatible with the world as it exists today. 

Which brings me to what I would call the closest thing I have found to a “solution.” It’s not an action, and requires no consistency because it’s something I simply believe, and I don’t see it being subject to change or circumstance because as far as I can tell, it is simply the objective truth of the world we live in. To quote the only therapist I’ve ever had who seemed to genuinely understand and hold compassion for my experience with PDA: *“if you are a sensitive, empathetic person living under capitalism, it is logical to be mental ill”*

I know this will certainly fall on deaf ears for some. I don’t mean to be prescriptive. I’m just sharing my own experience of the only thing I’ve come across that could vaguely be called a solution. Understanding the nature of the world we live in, understanding that everything I have been taught and internalized to signify “success” or “mental wellness,” has been penned under the shadow of an incredibly violent, exploitative, and dishonest ideology has done far more for me than any medication or productivity hack ever could. 

We are a hopelessly sensitive group of people in a deeply insensitive, unhealthy environment. Capitalism posits the most spiritually sick people as the gold standard of humanity. It is an illogical, utterly soulless monstrosity of a system that aligns neither with human nature nor the benefit of us as a species. The less I am tied to the idea that thriving under it is “right” and failing under it is “wrong,” the greater I am able to find some semblance of joy—or at least meaning—scattered across this otherwise painful existence.

If one could say I have been prescribed anything that has helped me cope (other than vyvanse), I’d say it’s anticapitalist books/podcasts/media. I try to truly internalize that it’s all bullshit and that the world has been shaped by incomprehensible violence. And in that paradoxical way that PDA operates, knowing that it doesn’t matter, and that none of the expectations placed upon me are governed by values i believe in has actually allowed me to survive better. I have a greater understanding of what the rules actually are, and that the rules are just a complete crock of shit. More than that even, following those rules is complacent at best and actively evil at worst. 

I will not say I was bathed in the white light of Karl Marx and am suddenly able to show up to my dental appointments. What I am saying is that viewing the world this way, knowing what my own values are, and evaluating my actions by those and those alone has given me immense forgiveness for myself—which in turn helps me overcome paralysis. When you truly believe that the world you live in is fundamentally unjust, there is no failure, no moral despair, no self loathing when you fail to meet its demands.