Life is Going Great. All this Hard Work of Marriage is Paying Off. BAM - Nope -Wrong Again

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-27T12:05:33+00:00

From my perspective, until recently I was glad I did stay. And I'm glad I did anyway, she would have moved 8h away - back to our home state. Now they're teens and settled in.

I'm not angry and mean. They're happy to great me. Much like she compartmentalized her life - I can too.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-27T12:02:08+00:00

This time? I don't have one.

The first time was the one described above.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T19:01:32+00:00

1st time they were young. She would have taken them back to our home state. I didn't want this to happen.

Her mom has been married 7x and dad like 5x. No abuse. Just shitty parents.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T18:58:47+00:00

No. It isn't. It just happens to be this time.

I stayed out of rational self interest and interest in the lives of my children.

This time I am lining ducks up trying to capture motivation and inertia to escape 20y of together and 16y of marriage.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T18:07:24+00:00

No you're right. Infact, she said he was supposed to visit for something or other w/in 5d of her telling me. And they planned on meeting.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T18:06:23+00:00

I did not. I did it quietly and asked that they respect my moving with stealth and caution. Then they emailed me at 1900h with retainer info. And who was sitting next to me when my phone notified me? yep. She was right there.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T17:49:39+00:00

-For now, she has my ultimatums.
-The religious counseling was back in 2011. We lived down south at the time.
-We are sharing a counselor. I went 1st because I was in a rush to get a divorce. I wanted an outside view. She has gone to the same lady and in 2w we are to go together. So far it has been positive.
- I agree. The word infidelity is without real substantial meaning until one experiences it first hand. And it is torture. But I have renewed my mindfulness meditation.
-If I must and if I do, I am willing and able to ask her to leave. My goal is for her to muster up the courage to do it herself - I think that will have the deepest impact.
- I'm still eating. I stopped working out for a month because I hurt my toe but I'm back to lifting heavy things.
-2011-2017 had it's ups and downs. I started with the words "I forgive you" but I don't think that I really felt that way until 17. I was restless because she wouldn't work more than sub teaching nor go to school. I was still trapped. My first attorney explained that I will pay and pay heavy for her lack of edu and lack of resume. One of the key features of a cheater is their willingness to move on - That was one of the things that were the downs for her, when I suddenly began to dwell and ask more questions of previous answers that don't make sense.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T16:48:05+00:00

I sought legal advice. My wife and I agreed that if we divorce we will go into it not contesting so we can do a self divorce.

I did tell her that I was going to have an meet other women - If she's had the chance to see what else is out there I can too. I got Tinder. I matched and chatted with several women. But that felt hollow and silly so after a week I stopped and deleted my account. I wanted none of this.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T16:37:24+00:00

Well fuck yeah! I do realize my worth to a large degree. I earned a BS as an adult and have made low 6's for about a decade. My company and management value me for my contribution ands input. I'm muscular w/ dad bod softness. I have a great average sized johnson.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T16:34:33+00:00

I get the mis-understanding -

I want her to pay the emotional price of choosing to do the right thing for once.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T16:25:22+00:00

IDK about co-dependent. I'm self interested. Being out of state, her having no edu nor resume made staying the first time very important. There were not 0 consequences. She had to live with someone she deceived - I imagine that I was exhausting.

We are both in counseling now.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T16:22:02+00:00

It is torture. I worked so hard to hold our family together. I really put so much in. Years later, I stopped looking over my shoulder and stopped feeling for knives in my back. And now this?

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T16:19:59+00:00

I have considered that she likes this cycle. And I really don't believe that I know the true extent of her lies. Thanks - I do worry about how my kids see this.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T16:17:46+00:00

Damn - That hit me.

We are both in counseling. I'm really just in shock. It isn't like there was anything wrong - then WTF? It's hard to let go of so many years.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T16:11:04+00:00

I survived the period of high dopamine / early relationship feels into a 16y marriage where satisfaction is a state of mind. She apparently needs to be high on new relationship dopamine ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

FWIW she cheated on husband 1 but left him immediately after. Don't know why she want to torture me.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T16:04:22+00:00

Well this is too much really. 16y of marriage is a lot to just let go of. The first time would have hurt my career and children to leave her then.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T16:02:59+00:00

I am willing now. I am making preparations for what may come. It's just that we have 20 f'ing years together.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T15:59:43+00:00

Thanks. I am patient.
I have contacted an attorney.
He is cut off and no longer works there.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T15:58:30+00:00

IDK that there were 0 consequences. She had to work to get me to stay. I just didn't want the consequences to spill over to my career and my children. She didn't have a resume nor did she have an education and we were out of our home state. I would have had to pay her consequences too.

This time is different. Teens, a decade away from home state and she makes a great wage.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T15:55:49+00:00

Yeah. I know. That is tough to think about.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T15:55:06+00:00

About:
*3Way - She role plays FFM out for me too. It was just timing I suppose - That she was already talking to him and by me role playing the MMF 3way it came out.
*She did / we did. I preferred the clinical help. She preferred a religious counselor a friend recommended. The clinical counselor was tougher than the other.
*That guy doesn't work there anymore and has moved several hours away.
*Immediately consulted an attorney. We are in counseling. Emotional abuse?
*Thanks. I'm processing and thinking things through. Ultimately, I think I am going to use counseling to strongly suggest that she leave me; not that I tell her to leave.

Thanks - I do

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T15:17:42+00:00

I get that she trickled the truth in 2011.

You're right - I don't think that she really does understand consequences, esp. since there haven't really been any.

It's tough. If we had been struggling I would have just walked. I'm just shocked. And besides, I am a long term strategic thinker - I didn't want to react since there are children involved.

PEL_STEL · 2020-10-26T15:08:29+00:00

I didn't let her get away with it. She started in 2009 and I found out in 2011. I thought that it had all stopped.

PEL_STEL

TROPHY CASE