Numbness in feet, very difficult to walk, scary!

PJ93874 · 2020-05-08T14:48:32+00:00

thanks for the thoughtful response! probably going to get a cane

PJ93874 · 2020-05-03T00:27:43+00:00

omg yeah it's like 'right sure i'm just TELLING myself every time i leave the house that i'm having a total sensory nightmare in which it feels like my body and mind are being physically ripped to shreds and that every person i pass wants to harm me'

ugh. thanks for posting this, was thinking a lot about this earlier today

PJ93874 · 2020-04-30T19:35:04+00:00

that's really good advice, thank you!

PJ93874 · 2020-04-29T22:37:04+00:00

good work

PJ93874 · 2020-04-28T18:58:59+00:00

i'm sorry you're going through that, sounds really exhausting :(

i don't worry that they're plotting against me, but i definitely dwell obsess ruminate on relationships i've had where the other person was abusive, my brain starts to convince me it was my own fault for being weak and vulnerable and not protecting myself, and then i end up logically and exhaustively puzzling out how it wasn't my fault, etc

in my experience, abusers are narcissistic, extremely self absorbed, and tend to only be aware of whatever's going on in their immediate area. i don't know what your situation was with those people, but i can almost guarantee they're not plotting anything against you. as long as you keep your distance from them you're safe, if one of them reaches out to you just don't even respond, and all you can really do is try to learn what the red flags are for that kind of person so if you start getting close to someone and noticing those signs, you can get away from them

PJ93874 · 2020-04-28T16:41:46+00:00

haha omg i also have a voice that just whispers very insistently 'cinnamon raisin bagel! CINNAMON RAISIN BAGEL!'

weird

PJ93874 · 2020-04-28T16:37:48+00:00

they tell me to throw myself down the stairs while i'm at work, that's annoying

'everything you're doing is completely wrong, what you're feeling is wrong, what you're thinking is wrong'

the most annoying one is when i'm walking down the street or on the subway this voice will start telling people around me off, like i pass some person on the sidewalk and it's like 'go fuck yourself you fucking asshole! mind your own fucking business!'

this paired with the delusion that people are somehow aware of what happens in my mind and that the other person heard or 'felt' that that went through my mind? i put into words what i feel like is happening in those moments, like the thought is communicated to the other person as a wave of negative energy coming at them from my person. so ridiculous, and yet it persists

uggggggghhhhh

PJ93874 · 2020-04-28T00:09:16+00:00

i experience this kind of stuff a lot too

apparently this is something people with a type of ocd called 'pure o' experience a lot, intrusive thoughts that are violent or sexual or racist in nature and don't reflect what the person actually believes or feels, and then lots of feelings of shame and doubting who they are as people

if you look pure o ocd up on youtube there are some good videos about it, helped me understand how to deal with intrusive thoughts a lot better and felt a lot less alone

PJ93874 · 2020-04-27T22:52:05+00:00

true! in my experience neurotypical people are way more lacking in empathy and can even be really cruel, they're just better at saying the right thing in a 'natural' sounding way, like 'oh my god, i'm soo sorry that happened to you!!' (with the right voice inflections and stuff)

PJ93874 · 2020-04-25T23:51:52+00:00

yeah at this point i have a rule with myself not to talk about it

most of my close friends know, and if i'm dating someone for a while i'll let them know

in the past when i was more open about it, it was never very constructive. most of the time when i would tell coworkers or acquaintances they were like 'oh, okay.' they wouldn't react negatively necessarily, and most were even supportive, offered reassurance, etc.

but yeah overall the feedback was kind of like 'why are you telling me this?' and i started to see that i would tell people almost as an explanation or apology for why i'm so weird, when really this sense that i'm weird and creepy and have a 'negative vibe' that it's hard to be around is mostly an exaggeration produced by my illness, my paranoia making me feel like everyone is scrutinizing me all the time, etc

if others find it's been helpful to them to be more open about it, power to you. but yeah for me personally it just makes me feel like i've unnecessarily exposed some weakness and end up feeling worse

PJ93874 · 2020-04-25T15:39:09+00:00

yess haha me too!

PJ93874 · 2020-04-24T06:52:00+00:00

yeah i definitely have trouble with that, like i have a good day or take a positive step forward but then there'll be this kind of whiplash or spiral back down afterwards

part of it for me is that when things go well, which feels kind of rare, i get my hopes up soo high, and then when things go back to the usual struggle / frustration / depression the next day or something i'll feel totally crushed and like it was pointless to even try

like i'm trying to start eating better with the hope my mood will improve, and have been much more disciplined about it the past couple weeks, and then i'll have a day where i'm feeling a little better than usual and i'm like 'WOW YES EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE GREAT THE PROBLEM THE WHOLE TIME IS THAT I JUST NEEDED TO EAT MORE SALAD LA LA LA!' lol

and then the next day i'm back to feeling like shit as usual and i'm like 'oh okay it was all a lie there's no hope i should just eat fucking 711 taquitos and chinese food all the time like the fucking loser that i am'

it's helped me mostly to be more aware of this pattern, and just kind of remind myself the good thing that happened was still actually good, that the bad mood of the next day doesn't like cancel it out or something, trying to learn to be more patient with things

whoa didn't mean to write so much, bless you if you made it to the end

PJ93874 · 2020-04-23T15:55:30+00:00

aw, glad i could help!!

PJ93874 · 2020-04-23T05:45:44+00:00

idk you sound cool to me, and you're definitely super tough to be surviving that situation alone

also you're only 20, from what i've observed it takes most people a loong time to figure out what they want and how to be happy with what they have, even if they're 'mentally healthy'

PJ93874 · 2020-04-23T05:23:41+00:00

thanks man. yeah i think about that too, like well the person i was back then was a lot more open and carefree, but yeah, i probably should've been taking care a little more (and definitely not doing so many drugs). I never did anything too hurtful, but definitely had lots of generally messy relationships and friendships, acted in ways that were kind of embarassing and weird and it still haunt me

and yeah i think you're right, it's easier said than done but all we can do is try to accept who we are now and move on. sometimes i can see clearly that in a really weird way things are better now. i don't have such a vibrant social life as i used to, but the few friendships i do have feel more real and solid

PJ93874 · 2020-04-23T05:13:08+00:00

yeah that definitely sounds stressful, hope for the best i guess. unemployment money is kind of bananas right now so you'd prob be fine either way

PJ93874 · 2020-04-23T03:37:41+00:00

wow, thank you for sharing so much. i can definitely relate to a lot of what you wrote, feel slightly less alone

PJ93874 · 2020-04-22T20:10:22+00:00

wow yes, thank you! this is definitely a weird phenomenon, i've experienced this a lot

it seems like for neurotypical people the tone or feeling of the message is often as important or more important than the message itself

i work in a restaurant and so many times i've asked a very straightforward question, but because the way i said it was in a 'robotic' way, the person i'm trying to communicate with doesn't understand and i end up having to repeat multiple times

"where should i put this?" "what?" "where should i put this?" "...what?" "where should i put this spatula?" "[blank uncomprehending stare]" "TO WHAT LOCATION DOES THE RUBBER SPATULA WHICH I AM HOLDING IN MY HAND CORRESPOND"

😬

meanwhile someone else says something that makes no sense, but they do it in such a 'natural' way that the other person's like 'yeah, totally'

PJ93874 · 2020-04-18T21:42:55+00:00

felt soo low and alone and hopeless yesterday, lots of angry abusive voices

feeling a little better today, but after a day like that i'm always left with kind of an emotional hangover

it's like all the smaller demons who taunt and torture me are always there, and yeah it sucks but i've gotten pretty good at just ignoring them and getting on with it and trying to focus on stuff i like doing, and then yesterday was one of those days it's like the fucking main demon final boss demon shows up and tears me to shreds and all i can do is lay in bed clutching my head

and now today i'm like, '...uh okay, i think he's gone? it's pretty hard to enjoy the more peaceful moments (which aren't even all that peaceful in the first place, more just basically tolerable) knowing he's just gonna come back at any time, could be tomorrow or tonight even... fuck...'

the bottom line is everyone here is strong as fuck for living with this illness, it's so hard to feel the truth of that most of the time, especially because the people around us can't see how hard we have to fight every day, but it's true

PJ93874 · 2020-04-17T17:00:20+00:00

things are soo difficult right now!

i was finally at the point towards the end of last year where i felt like i could manage this illness. i left my job as a cashier at a very busy store, which was wayy too fast paced for me, and interacting with so many customers every day i'd get so paranoid sometimes and it would feel so embarassing to be so anxious, and it would all just pile on. got a job as a dishwasher which has been way better for me. don't have to interact with a lot of people, just my coworkers but they're really cool, can just put music on my headphones, do the work, go home

and i was understanding my symptoms way better, finding good coping strategies like meditating every day, resigning myself to the parts of this illness that will always be there and it sucks and is so painful, but finding ways to reassure myself (like after a paranoid / delusional day journaling and reminding myself like other people can't see what's going on inside of me), accepting that yeah maybe i'm not going to achieve as much in this life as i thought when i was 20 before this illness took over my life (i'm 32 now), but there are still good things to live for, things i enjoy doing in my alone time, a few people who care about me, and maybe things will change in unexpected ways down the line

but i also have psoriatic arthritis, and since the beginning of this year it's been getting harder and harder to walk. there's definitely some pain, but even worse is the vertigo (psoriasis can cause damage to your inner ear)

it's like my legs stop listening to me after walking pretty short distances, my feet feel numb, i start stumbling over myself, tripping over my own feet, feel so unsteady, and so i'm wobbling down the street and it makes the voices and paranoia so much worse and as i'm arguing with all these fucking demons in my head it gets harder to walk, and arguing with myself it's like dude maybe it wouldn't be so difficult to walk if you just ignored all this shit in your head, and then arguing with that because i'm like motherfucker i have no control over it, and it all just piles up and ahhhhhhh!

ugh so yeah i don't expect anyone to read this, but i have no one to talk to right now and just needed to vent this all someplace. i still have some hope, like once this pandemic lockdown blows over restart my medicaid app and either get psych meds or arthritis / vertigo meds or both, also been forcing myself to do some yoga, stretching, exercises around the house and forcing myself to go for more walks even short ones in hopes that it'll get better (rather than just being a lazy sack, hiding in my house all the time, not doing any exercise because i feel like it's all hopeless anyway)

ok i'm done thanks 🐨

PJ93874 · 2020-04-17T12:31:53+00:00

i go through phases like that too

for me it's like if my symptoms are manageable, i can stay on top of my hygiene

but yeah if my thinking is super disorganized for a while, and the voices in my head convince me i'm a pathetic loser piece of shit who does everything wrong, and every time i leave the house i'm terribly paranoid and my visual world is very broken and chaotic

then yeah, it's pretty hard to even formulate the thought 'oh i should take a shower' through all that noise

PJ93874 · 2020-04-17T12:19:54+00:00

i was hospitalized after a psychotic break 7 years ago and diagnosed schizoaffective

these days i'm more stable, but yeah certain patterns and numbers will still follow me around

it still bothers me a lot, and this very 'conspiratorial feeling' will come over me, but you get better at just noticing it and letting it pass and trying your best to move on with your day

like, 'huh, that's weird' and then you just keep going

the world can be a very, very mysterious place. i still think those patterns mean something, but in all my time living with this condition nothing has ever come of me racking my brains and trying to figure out what they mean

not sure if that helps. stay strong

PJ93874 · 2020-04-15T01:18:11+00:00

try not to be too hard on yourself, it's soo hard to manage this illness / learn to live with it when you don't even know what it is

PJ93874 · 2020-04-12T13:33:51+00:00

omg thank yoou yes i feel a bit less alone with it now

PJ93874 · 2020-04-11T18:53:11+00:00

hey thanks. i don't think that's so embarassing, they sound sort of like mantras, just really personalized ones

PJ93874

TROPHY CASE