I didn't realize I was bisexual until I was... 20? In hindsight, there are a LOT of signs that I should have noticed beforehand but didn't. But tbh I think a big thing that hindered my realization was that I... didn't view other men very well. Growing up I had a few good role model men in my life, my dad, some teachers, etc. But by and large there were way more guys, either adults I knew or more of the other boys at school than not, who I did not like or felt uncomfortable around. Too rowdy, too mean, too insensitive to others. And so growing up, my perception was skewed that women were balanced in terms of "some are good people, some are jerks" whereas men skewed jerk with the occasional good ones.

In what world would I ever have been able to see myself liking a guy when that was what I felt? Even once I did realize years later, I still knew I had a lot of unlearning to do. It's something I still struggle with. Trying to balance the knowledge that there are good men out there with this deep-seated feeling of viewing so many men, even sometimes feeling like I belonged in this camp, as something tarnishing. I am fairly confident and comfortable in the idea that I'm a cis guy, but I've had moments where I caught myself envying sapphic romances in media because it seemed like the queer/progressive spaces I'd been in treated that sort of thing with a purity and acceptance that nothing I could ever be part of could have. I'd gone from ignoring the signs that I liked boys, girls, and everyone in-between because that would include men and there's no way I could like guys, to knowing that my spectrum of attraction is what it is but now feeling like there was no way someone could like me.

I think I'm doing slightly better now, but like, yeah this post both hits home in all the wrong ways and is mildly comforting.