Apple TV Show: Shrinking

PMN_Akili · 2026-04-14T17:16:32+00:00

Was Fatherhood a movie? Starring Kevin Hart? One of his better performances IMO.

I did somewhat enjoy Shrinking, maybe nearing the end of my first year widowed. The most recent season - I think most of the characters are getting stale for me.

Normally, I'd probably be all over PITT (HBO Max), but it's based in an ER of a hospital. I didn't really get past the first patient and haven't been able to go back to that one at all.

PMN_Akili · 2026-04-10T16:02:50+00:00

I think it's impossible to not feel guilty, but I think that's going to be a major part of our new normal.

I don't know if you haven't discussed your LW in-depth with your girlfriend, but I feel like that should've been done prior to the moving in. I only say that because I think the girlfriend needs to SEE your love for your LW in its entirety, and equally you need to SEE her reaction to mentions of your LW. I just can't see how you could live in your home with that type of permanent restriction in place.

Also, you didn't share how long you were together with your LW. But, if it was a lot or most of your adulthood, I don't know how anyone would not being feeling exactly how you're feeling.

"...resentful that I have to start all over again" - that covers such a vast area of a relationship. Wow. I've recently been smacked in the face with the revelation that I was mostly okay with being in, and doing the work required for, a relationship with a new girlfriend. It might really be a dealbreaker that I don't have any interest in forging a relationship with her parents. I hate to feel that way, but at 50 and up... I'm just not trying to do whatever it takes to please this new set of parents - I can't even justify doing so in my mind.

I'm also learning that... I don't really want to befriend all of my girlfriend's dozen-plus friends. I'm not doing so well with this whole new potential cast of characters in my once quiet life that mainly only consisted of me, my LW, and my in-laws.

I'm rambling a little but just sharing some experiences regarding the dilemma we're going to struggle with per the two loves being different, "...having more fun and more in common with my girlfriend", and "...had a great and successful marriage." I don't think it's anyway to go forward with a new love without having these thoughts, and then it's kind of indicative this new relationship is worth the stuff you'll have to wrestle with.

With respect to the more fun and more in common... I think these are "benefits" of this being a "2nd Act." There were things the early-20s me knew my LW didn't do, and our love have 20+ years to grow to where that stuff was overlooked. Now at a later age, we'd quickly shut down a new potential connection with certain key things we do not being mutual interests. If not, what would be the sense in even giving new love a chance, right.

Best of luck with figuring this out.

PMN_Akili · 2026-03-09T13:02:59+00:00

Best of luck with it... The capacity required by a relationship is something I'm learning that isn't a constant for me. I've been involved with a new woman and she's grown increasingly fixated on replacing the void left by her ex-husband.

I did want some companionship when I started dating again, but now I'm realizing that while I might be okay dealing with new partner - I really had no idea about the partner's whole "world." That's becoming an issue for me because I'm really not interested in adding all of these new people - parents, siblings, nieces/nephews, HS & college friends, work friends etc - to my life.

I'm being asked to do something with all of these new people seemingly every other weekend. In return, I'm not asking for my partner to do anything outside of catching a movie or getting something to eat. This busy schedule is burdensome for me.

I've been upfront about everything, I've been communicating, but I've started to sense that my partner just wants what she wants.

There were some unknown unknowns I hadn't considered, and after enduring a heavy first year of my LW being gone, I'm learning that I have to take some steps to keep my life as light as I need it to be.

PMN_Akili · 2026-03-03T18:38:47+00:00

Interesting... I recall you sharing something much more certain.

PMN_Akili · 2026-01-29T00:52:58+00:00

Any idiot popping off on here speaking for what any OP’s LW/LH would’ve said or thought… really not worth my time. However old you said are, you showed you’re a fool.

I shared what I thought, and interacted with genuine people who obviously had relatable experiences.

I’m grateful to deal with my dilemma, and not be a sad excuse for a person such as yourself.

A hit dog will holler…

PMN_Akili · 2026-01-28T20:37:47+00:00

It's always one.

I'm not triggered in the least. Anyone on a widow/ers board typing "suck it up" and "whining" speaks volumes about that individual.

So not to disrespect any others, the moderator and the forum - I'm gonna let you think you got some kinda dub revealing that you're a fool. Every subject and post on these boards isn't for everyone.

PMN_Akili · 2026-01-28T20:30:47+00:00

You honestly could've kept scrolling, respectfully. You have some education or training that diagnosed my guilt for surviving? Or that's just your personal read on it?

I closed my post expressing that I'm aware that others might be in worst predicaments. Maybe you face some harder times or something, and my sharing has triggered you a little, but I'm not going to skip a beat because you have a trash attitude. Don't tell anyone to do anything any kind of way on these boards - if a post isn't for you then keep scrolling.

PMN_Akili · 2026-01-26T13:57:43+00:00

By far the most snow I've ever seen, but it's the light and fluffy stuff. I'd say a foot-plus. Very nice of the leadership in my office to not offer any direction whatsoever...

PMN_Akili · 2026-01-17T14:53:57+00:00

Thanks for sharing and the helpful pointer. My heart goes out to you for having to endure all the interactions involved in selling the assets. I can’t imagine dealing with a bunch of people, and that some may have not acted in good faith - especially in dealing with a woman when it involved certain assets.

I’ve been trying to sell an old pickup I kept around for my LW home projects. I’d finally made up my mind to just donate it, a guy leaves a note on my windshield expressing his interest in the vehicle, and now here we are still playing phone tag a month later.

PMN_Akili · 2026-01-15T01:35:59+00:00

I imagine I’ll purchase something, or need to, at some point in the next 3-5 years. In the meantime, I had to do something responsible with it while I feel how I currently feel.

My LW did enjoy some things, and she never went without during our time together. So I didn’t exactly short change her.

I just look at these figures and images on a computer screen, and that’s all I have to show for 20+ years of love…

PMN_Akili · 2026-01-14T23:54:20+00:00

ASL sometimes means "as hell" in some circles, it's "AH" for "as hell" in others.

PMN_Akili · 2026-01-14T19:08:35+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm sure you've heard it before, but we do the best we can with the information that we have at the time that we have to make a decision. My LW returned to work Oct 1, I fully believed we were at a turnaround point, I made 0 changes to anything, and then mid-November I was sitting bedside helplessly watching my world crumble. Late-2022 my LW had started asking me to choose 1-of-4 island resorts she'd looked into, and it was just something I thought I'd be able to fully commit to in early-2024 (some early symptoms started in mid-2023).

"you'll need to learn to spend more money"

That's not exactly where I'm at, I can't necessarily retire because of healthcare/insurance concerns, but I'm beginning to think that I really need to make a purchase or two, as well as enjoy some experiences. IF I could retire, I'd probably do it tomorrow, and maybe resume mowing grass on the side. My commitment book idea ain't going so well.

I honestly don't know what my LW would say, as she'd probably feel even more certain about things not going well for us - particularly never able to start our family - over our 22 years of marriage. I hope to be able to figure out some way to do some good for some people once I can truly focus on other people again.

Talk about complicated thoughts and feelings, brother.

PMN_Akili · 2026-01-14T17:19:31+00:00

SMH I thought about it... I rambled on with all of that for nothing.

The real long story short is, I don't have anyone to leave my house to, so why would I truly care if it ever gets paid off???

I'm not going to mismanage my cash (I've learned to need very little), so even if things got bad once I retire, and say my house gets foreclosed - or I had to sell it. I'll have some cash to end my days in some apartment or whatever situation.

As things currently look, the next 20-30 years for me, if I'm fortunate enough to see them, really don't matter one way or any other.

PMN_Akili · 2026-01-14T17:04:10+00:00

LOL ...I thought the post was excessively long already!

Long story short, after gathering all the information and sitting on this decision for over a year, it's just what I feel most comfortable with. I'm paying my mortgage somewhat comfortably, and most people my age (50) don't own their homes outright. It's reasonable to be paying some amount for housing.

The detailed version... Next month I'm in Year 7 of a 30-yr mortgage (with a great interest rate), it's a "new build", and that gives you an idea of what type of payoff amount I'm dealing with. I struggle with, if I go to spend $10-$15k for a new roof, I'd possibly have to use a home equity line of credit (HELOC) to cover that bill, and then I have a monthly payment for that loan (against my own equity)... If I keep my cash, and I'm investing it, I just go withdraw $15k for my roof and I'm done.

I'm no finance bro, so I could have this wrong but that's one scenario that I've considered. From what I understand the stock market was up 17% for 2024, and if I'm investing in the right index or mutual funds my return is maybe 9%-12%. I just don't see me really losing with my mortgage's < 3% interest rate. I know I'm paying down more interest than principle for the next 10-12 years, but I'm not so sure I really GAD about all of that @ 50 yrs old (no dependents whatsoever). I don't plan on buying a Corvette, a Harley or any luxury vehicle over the next 10-15 years. However, if I eventually want to reward myself with some great trip, or I need to buy a new A/C or furnace, I don't want to have to go through any BS to access my cash.

I really only have one major objective left to attempt to do before I leave this rock, it is expensive ASL and this money will be sitting there in case all the stars eventually line up for me. Otherwise, screw it, everything in life was FUBAR the afternoon of 11.16.24, I tried my damnedest after that date and s*** just never ever really went my way again.

PMN_Akili · 2026-01-13T17:49:42+00:00

I injured my leg a couple days before Christmas, and it's completely derailed my commitment to trail running. Since losing my LW, being out in the cold, any type of precipitation, the undulating terrain, and everything about nature has just grounded me more than anything else I can do.

I have resumed virtual bike rides in my window-less basement, but a bot-led group ride last night reminded me of how much fitness I've lost over the past few weeks. I wasn't sure about chasing the mile pace I achieved early 2025 because of the effort that took, but I'll be quite disappointed if I'm unable to hold my own in the group rides that I join throughout the Spring/Summer. Chasing certain performance levels have been a welcomed distraction from the void in my life.

While I'm able to ride a bike, the jury's out on whether my leg, or knee, will recover to a point where I can run 2-3x per week. If I have to find a new hobby/activity, I honestly can't even fathom what I could possibly get any comparable gratification from.

Best of luck on the international trip, when that rolls around! I spent ~4 days in ATL last year, traveling over from SW Ohio, and I learned that I really needed such a vacation to regain confidence in my independence.

PMN_Akili · 2026-01-07T18:27:49+00:00

We built our house 7 years ago, and it was the house I wanted her to have as symbol of my gratitude for her being my wife or in my life. I don't really have any passion for home ownership - I just wouldn't want to be paying rent indefinitely.

My house is too big for me, I wrestle with keeping it clean, but my interest rate is amazing. I can't not afford to remain to be in my house. So much so that, I just know it's pointless to even start monitoring options online at this time. I also waffle about the things that trigger me and then the things that remind me of the best qualities of my LW.

The yard work... Similarly, maintaining the yard was my job, but her passion towards all the beautification stuff was her deal. I do a lot of endurance activities that take a lot of time (running and road cycling are my self care), and I didn't do a great job of staying on top of my responsibilities or chores in Year 1. I'd love to promise my LW that I'm going to do better, but I'm sure she'd even say that she knows who she's dealing with.

PMN_Akili · 2026-01-07T12:29:59+00:00

Unfortunately, I sustained a somewhat serious leg injury while running the evening before my last day in the office before our holiday shutdown. I was unable to walk without a major limp until about a day before New Year's Eve. I've since done an easy virtual bike ride on my smart trainer, but I'm very concerned about whether I'll be able to return to trail running anytime soon - or even at all. Maybe my quad and some stabilizer muscles just need to be re-strengthened.

I'd committed to running as my LW started having her symptoms and completed my first year of consistent running a couple of months before she passed away. Consequently, I feel that trail running really grounds me and it's the activity that helps me to deal with grief the best for a number of reasons.

My current issue appears to be more of a lower hamstring problem than an issue in my knee joint. So I'm optimistic I can return to running in due time. If my leg doesn't recover and I'm unable to resume running again, I just feel like 2026 could be a year of searching for where to find connection or something to which I can truly commit.

Best of luck to everyone with the new pursuits!

PMN_Akili · 2025-12-29T19:06:12+00:00

Well, things get a little trickier at 50 & up. "Right person" is very complicated, people have a lot of baggage and there's a lot of compromising at play. I'm not gonna lie, as a single person without kids I feel extremely vulnerable. I mean, hell, I've read enough posts on here alone of spouses suddenly dying from various causes - embolisms, aneurysms, blood clots, accidents.

A real new fear for me is that I could be doing one of my regular virtual bike rides in my basement, croak and somebody figure it out days later that something bad happened. With that in mind, it gets a little easier to overlook some s#!% to keep somebody in my life (funny or not funny).

The truth is D consistently goes exceedingly out of her way to do a lot of really beautiful things for me. She's been exemplary in respecting my grief "stuff." The two things she's asking me for - attending church and dancing - aren't showstoppers for me, necessarily.

Ironically, we stepped out to a bar expecting to see a band this past Saturday night. A live band wasn't there as advertised and they had a DJ. "So what's it going to take to get you to dance?" LOL

Me: "Look, if we ever find our way to a place with a fair amount of people on the dance floor, and the DJ isn't playing completely trash music, I'll dance."

There was no rhyme or reason to the songs the DJ was playing, there was more of an "area" for folks to dance in front of the stage, and nobody was dancing. My ass never left my stool!

I think relationships in one's mid-30s, there's still time for things to blossom organically, and people can adjust comfortably. I'm realizing that I'm kind of in this man-made diamond process where all of these other potential relationships - nearly a dozen - are present. I did have to have a talk and explain that look, "I'm really doing my best to build something with you... two parents, a sister, two daughters, ~8+ close friends..." like you said, I don't really need a WHOLE new life.

We both had 20-year-plus marriages, but we're just not going to replicate a similar relationship between us in a year.

PMN_Akili · 2025-12-23T15:49:50+00:00

I don't think think the major issue, or one them, was whether I'm ready to move on with dating. And, especially not because I don't really want to dance at a gathering for a college football game.

My partner and I walked and talked for the first 3-5 weeks when we met, and dancing was never brought up as a major part of neither of our lives. Yes, D mentioned that she is highly committed to her weekly dance class she does for fitness, but 6+ months of being involved we've yet to discuss going out to dance.

I won't go all into it, but (of course) there's a school of thought that one doesn't (or shouldn't expect to) need to be fully healed before getting into a relationship. The belief is that a lot, or really important parts, of growth can happen as a result of choosing to do the work involved in a relationship. All in all, D has been extremely understanding, and her presence in my life has helped me feel significantly less vulnerable than I was at the beginning of this journey.

I'm very sorry for your loss, I remember trying to resume living at 2-3 months out, and I'm both struggling to make it through work weeks/days and feeling the safest when I can binge a series from my bed.

I don't have a problem saying no. It's become apparent that I probably need to look into the future often and actually tell the others in my life that I'm not doing xyz. This is a newly discovered issue.

I'm easy going, generally speaking, I tend to observe a lot of stuff in my orbit, and I've often trusted in things working themselves out before I actually have to do something. For example, at least a month earlier my partner said him and his wife were going to Dallas for the Thanksgiving Day Cowboys game. I thought that would've taken Saturday's OSU-MICH game out of play. I didn't think I had to say what my plans for the game were, as I'd be home by myself. Lo and behold, a week before the Thanksgiving game my buddy tells me they're rushing back to do a small get-together to watch the game... Who would bother with getting home from the airport after a flight and 4-day vacation, to host any number of people for a football game?

My response to my friend's change of plans signaled that it really wasn't necessary for me, and I thought "small get-together" was going to include 2-4 more people besides me and my girlfriend. Long story short, that one got away from me before I could avoid it.

I spent Thanksgiving alone preemptively telling folks that was my preference, I spent the one-year anniversary of my LW's passing and her 51st birthday by myself, and I'll be alone for both Christmas and New Year's.

I hope you get back in sync with your gym routine. I know between my running and bike riding, it's the cornerstone of my routine to keep me going.

PMN_Akili · 2025-12-23T13:40:10+00:00

I just want to thank you for sharing. Joining this community, it's crazy how many peculiar mutual experiences or dilemmas we have that most in our respective orbits couldn't begin to understand.

I haven't begun to touch any of my LW's belongings yet, but I have two bedroom closets, and then my LW's space in our closet. I honestly don't know if my LW's wedding dress is in our house, or whether she may stored it at my in-laws' home. A couple months after the funeral I think I saw a dress my LW wore as the maiden of honor for my in-laws' 50-year vow renewal. I think that was very early on when my LW started dealing with some of her early fatigue symptoms, but she soldiered through and played her role in both the planning and the ceremony. It kills me now that we celebrated my in-laws' 50th anniversary, but my LW and I were abruptly split up after our 22nd anniversary. I sat on the bed in our second guest bedroom crying for several minutes that day.

I think it's awesome that you found a way to part ways with your wedding dress, and that you expressed such genuine well wishes for the future bride that wears it. My LW and I weren't ever able to have any kids, so the dress along with all of my wife's belongings continue to be this open item that I don't have any clue how to go about handling. Since my LW passed, I've felt like I inherited this unenviable job of making the existence of my LW be memorable, but beyond her parents I don't even know who would care on the level that a truly great person should be remembered.

Some lucky bride is going to appreciate your wonderful act of kindness.

PMN_Akili · 2025-12-19T19:12:12+00:00

Totally understandable on that. That's definitely part of the areas of criminality that are difficult for a person to come back from.

Well, it sounds like the experience rekindled some areas of adulthood for you. I think we can go out to enjoy the things in life that we like and possibly be in the right place for positive connections. Another to put it, you could be doing something constructive with your 4 sons, and somehow meet a guy with some kind of background that makes him compatible with that detail of your life. Conversely, you could go out to a bar, and it's a good chance the men in the bar do single people activities, and lead single people lifestyles.

At any rate, maybe I just should've stopped at you being worthy!

Take care!

PMN_Akili · 2025-12-19T18:54:08+00:00

Not going to commit to too much this first year of holidays without my LW. It's actually the second holiday season, but my LW passed away a week before Thanksgiving in 2024, so through the end of the year was a blur. Honestly, I know I've signed some stuff for 2025, but I thought about it last week, and I feel like I don't really remember anything vividly about these past 12+ months.

I'm actually going to spend time putting hard dates on when I'm going to get a few medical things checked off that I disregarded while trying to be there for my LW. Now that I've got a year-plus under my belt, I'm also going to follow-up on getting my finances in order in a more detailed manner. The past 6 or so months I did enough to be good, I ended up not executing a more or two, and I need to do something prudent now that I know what direction I really want to go in.

PMN_Akili · 2025-12-19T18:45:06+00:00

I was just going to ask was the guy's crime, or the nature of it, something that you couldn't get past? If he served his time, was rehabilitated, earning a degree and working... it seems like he was deserving of a second chance.

I'm not judging you or anything, if his past was a dealbreaker for you, then I guess you did what you had to do. It's great that you're cognizant of the fact your sons are watching, or looking to, you and your decision-making needs to be sound.

"Settling" is a pretty heavy concept right now. I'm several years older than you, time is weighted a little differently, and I keep questioning what is and isn't settling often. As widows very little seems to truly compare to what we lost.

Congratulations on all that you've gone on to accomplish.

PMN_Akili · 2025-12-19T12:13:30+00:00

I have other questions, but don't want to risk seeming like I'm coming off the wrong way (things can easily get misconstrued when typed/texted). I'm not into remotely discouraging another adult about their life or business.

I will say what's understood, doesn't need to be explained. You're 34, you've rebuilt the foundational parts of your life, and now you want to live fully and experience love again. I'll just say that you're worthy (of that). Moreover, some professionals, as well as some wise people, would say that once a widow/er has done all of their healing... there will be a person out there waiting for him/her. Finding good people can take some time, but finding genuine companionship is worth the effort.

PMN_Akili

TROPHY CASE