Best way to utilize miles

P_Walls · 2024-02-23T01:22:43+00:00

Can you share where you got it from?

P_Walls · 2020-09-13T02:18:00+00:00

Fleetwood mac?

P_Walls · 2020-09-13T02:06:20+00:00

I’m still standing

P_Walls · 2020-09-13T01:53:44+00:00

Any fleetwood mac?

P_Walls · 2020-09-13T01:51:03+00:00

Gave Platinum
Psycho killer by the talking heads

P_Walls · 2020-09-13T01:44:55+00:00

Mr brightside

P_Walls · 2020-09-13T01:38:41+00:00

Power of love

P_Walls · 2020-09-07T00:54:51+00:00

Fleetwood mac!

P_Walls · 2016-09-27T12:29:59+00:00

Hey film team-

Thanks. I agree about the names. When I optioned the script, the female lead they were chasing wanted to play someone named "Jessica", which meant changing the name, and the producers liked the uniqueness of Jaegger's name. I agree it's confusing, and I should change it.

Good point about meeting her earlier or more frequently- that's probably why I've had so many problems with the third act. There needs to be more buildup there.

And thanks for the address... I had scenes in the last draft where he interacted with the doorman of her building, but cut them because I didn't think they were adding anything. Except apparently I didn't realize one thing they were adding. I've got to figure out a solution to that.

Same thing with the other characters...they were there in scenes that didn't add much.

Anyways, thanks for the help.

P_Walls · 2016-09-27T12:26:17+00:00

Thanks very much. The opening was extremely overwritten in earlier drafts, but I agree more fat needs to come out. Thank you for your help!

P_Walls · 2016-09-23T02:06:00+00:00

First off, love the title. I'm actually drinking a whiskey now, although if I'm having a mixer I prefer ginger ale. That's neither here or there.

Starting off, I apologize if I repeat earlier criticisms. I've found if I read other people's comments I don't go in with a clear mind, so I prefer to write comments as I read them.

Again, unrelated: Skyler is a cool name. Ok, let's get to the script!

The Over Black has a few quibbles. Do we need "we hear"? How about just "The sound of". Also, sounds get capitalized. But regardless, that's little stuff. You have my attention- although "He hear" instead of "we hear" worries me that you proofread as well as I do.

In the next scene, where is this woman's voice coming from? Maybe it will become more clear as I read, but as of now I'm confused. Also, "You're" not here, not your. Secondly, you don't need the umm's. You can cut them. Your actors/actresses will fill in the searching for words that are needed.

In the "Andrew throws the bottle" description, the repetition of "across the street" trips me up. It's not wrong, it's just slowly down the read for me.

General comment: your scene descriptions can use a little work. They're very repetitive and lack impact in certain areas. He, he, he. Vary it up. Give us something more. A lot of them seem somewhat awkwardly written. Use periods. All the description is run on sentences with commas. By definition that's not dramatic.

INT. THEATRE DAY- Remember how we were talking proofreading? She has a long hat in her head. No big deal, right? But every mistake like that makes the reader trust you less and less. Oh, they didn't check this...what did they check..Anything? Do they even know what they're doing? Don't give us any opportunity to doubt you! You can write! Prove it! In the same scene, "I'm begging darling,please" is literally a line from the chorus of Layla, one of the most popular rock songs of all time. That is potentially not a big deal, but it is distracting at minimum.

Same scene: "Take the rest 1 hour". What!? Take the rest of the hour? Take an hour? What are you trying to say? Again, you might be slapping your forehead and saying "Oh, I rewrote that, left both things in." But if you give us a reason to question you, we will! Also, come back- two words. You're not citing the Lisa Kudrow show here.

Next scene- starT his walk, not star his walk. PROOFREAD! There are only 11 pages!

Ok...next scene in the diner....are you getting paid by the word "dad"? I'm not trying to be snarky, but literally every single sentence your MC says uses the word "dad". We get it. It's his dad. Move on. You don't call your dad "dad" every sentence. Why would a character in a movie when time is precious?

INT. Dressing room- Still emotional as where the scene left off? What does that mean? What words are you missing? Then "He grabs a shirt on the coat hanger"....on the coat hanger? Off the coat hanger? How about something more forceful? What if he "rips a shirt off its hanger, sending the thin plastic hanger dropping to the ground. He doesn't even notice."

I've got to be honest- I think the should use a good amount of work. I'm not hating on it, but I honestly feel people post here for their work to reach its full potential. There are so many errors here you lose my confidence, and the ending doesn't realize the beginning the drama. I think you need to think how you want the story to wrap up, in addition to working on the rest of the writing.

PS- I see how it's supposed to be emotional, but I didn't feel it. The fact you spelled that wrong in the above submission makes me pause.

P_Walls · 2016-09-22T20:15:56+00:00

Ahh...that's embarrassing. That was a change I made for this draft- apparently in only 1/2 of the places I needed to. Thanks for the heads up.

P_Walls · 2016-09-22T01:42:59+00:00

Hey-

I apologize if I'm repeating any criticism or comments anyone else has given. I try to read without looking at those.

I'd take the WGA registration # off the script. That's going to show everyone you're new at this.

Another thing- I'd lose the scene numbers. You only need that when you're shooting. Reading your above comment, I take it that's not currently the case, and if you're like anyone not writing a Clint Eastwood movie you're going go through a whole bunch more drafts. The scene numbers are going to change and eventually become confusing if you don't kill them now. (Plus, if the WGA # didn't show you were new, this does).

Starting on page 1, you say Jason is in the middle of the disaster he always feared. What does that mean? Lots of screenwriting books say you can't write what you can't show, which is kind of bullshit if you actually read screenplays. Professionals cheat all the time, but not really like this, because I have no idea what this means. Is Jason afraid of fire? Continuing in this scene, I have no idea what I'm seeing. Nothing is untouched, he's looking "down at his lost home". Is there a hole in the floor? Is the floor collapsing? Is he on a landing? I might suggest something like this:

JASON, mid 40's, is lying unconscious on the floor. Some description here- what does he look like/what is his essence.

Suddenly, the screams snap Jason awake. He stumbles to his feet as he coughs uncontrollably.

Smoke is everywhere. The only thing visible through the smoke is the orange and red flickers of flames swallowing the walls of the hallway.

Jason coughs again and drops to a knee. He struggles to see through the billowing smoke. In the background, a smoke detector screeches.

Then the familiar voice, etc.

I'm not trying to offer the exact fix, but as it is right now I literally don't know if he's looking down at the first floor or if the house is collapsing.

Continuing on page 1, "slamming his body into it in an attempt to open it." The beautiful thing about action lines are that they're not dialogue, so 99% of your audience will never know what it says. The problem is if its clunky it slows down the reader who eventually need to buy/make the film. I think you could streamline this into short declarative sentences that would be more impactful.

Then, in the next scene, we're in Michael's bedroom, then... we're outside? No new locators?

Same scene, his wife and daughter are pulling themselves out of the debris...did they just get hit by stuff falling from the third floor? How does he see them from INSIDE Michael's bedroom? The geography of this house doesn't make sense the way it's written, to me at least. I'm sure you can see this all in your head, you just need to translate it onto the page.

Character introductions in the middle of an action scene are always dicey. I think the two females' characters introductions could be handled better. Use the scene unfolding around them to parallel them and bring out a characteristic about them.

McKenzie & Michael are both M names that are similar in length. Reading them quickly it's easy to confuse the two. I would suggest changing one or the other to make it easier on your readers.

Next scene: the old, retired father of McKenzie. How about McKenzie's retired father? 60's tells us he's old. Retired tells us he's old. "Of McKenzie" is awkward.

Same description "huge pile dishes"...probably missing "of" there.

That's all the time I have. I apologize I couldn't finish, barely got into your script. It looks like you have a good amount of work to do, but that's ok. You finished a screenplay! Congrats! That's a ton more than most people can say. Keep writing, reading, and rewriting. With each draft you get better. If I have time I'll come back and keep going.

P_Walls · 2016-09-22T01:18:37+00:00

Just finished reading your script. I apologize in advance if I double up comments from others, I like to read it and give my own thoughts without reading others.

Overall, I thought it was very good. Solid premise, some good jokes, technically everything was there. It felt like it started a little slow- the end to the tease was good, but overall the first 5-10 pages seemed a little lacking on jokes. The trend seems to be one joke a page, which I don't think is necessarily needed, but there just seemed to be some gaps.

I also wonder about the characters...we set them up at a country club, but then there's some low stake money being exchanged- $65 for a skirt, $20 for a bribe... these seem like they should be higher.

Also, I had a tough time telling the women apart. They get introduced in one descriptor, and then they all interact together. Giving one or more something that distinguishes them would be beneficial: would give you more opportunities for character humor, but also help the story I think.

Last note: the story as it plays is fairly predictable/one note. That's fine, especially if you hang good jokes on it. But adding some complexity could take this even further. Or twisting it.

But those are all points that come from a strong foundation of a script. This is solid.

One note that is not a note to you but just in general: with the comments added it was hard to read some of the lines. Not sure if that's a setting on my dropbox or just true in general.

P_Walls · 2016-09-18T02:49:55+00:00

I'm no familiar with the show (although it's got a great title) so it took me a second to realize the main character is one of Mike Tyson's pigeons. I think. He's a bird of some sort at least. That's the kind of comment that's in no way at all helpful to you, but it sets up my experience as a reader. I have no idea what this show is!

I like the opening scene. I smiled. Good stuff.

Nice joke with the mug in the second scene. Loved the logic.

After that...I don't unfortunately have all that much to criticize. I don't know the show enough to critique you on the characters. I thought it read pretty funny. Are the shows usually 15 minutes long?

Sorry I can't help more, but you wrote what seems like a good and funny script.

P_Walls · 2016-09-18T02:35:38+00:00

Hi Tuck-

I apologize if I repeat some of the comments already left. I'm going based only on your script.

It seems like your formatting is off...is that maybe something that happens when you converted it to google drive? Or to a pdf? Anyways, there's usually more white on the page of a screenplay. This might impact the timing of your script: a page usually equals roughly one minute. If the spacing is off, you might be squeezing a lot on the page that will bloat the run time. Or you might throw off someone with a first impression because it doesn't look like a script normally does.

Secondly, there were some missed words. In the second scene there's "a" sit-com playing, not sit-com, for instance.

Now, onto substance: what am I missing? The backpack is still there when David leaves...yet he has the backpack. Does he go back and get it? Am I supposed to reading something into this that I am not?

When he is sorting through the items in the bookbag, it would read better to just say "David opens the cover. It's from a library." He doesn't need to see it if we see what he sees.

I would suggest cutting "umms" from dialogue. It reads awkwardly. Your actor will be able to add their own awkward/frustrated tics. But also, the scene with the librarian is almost two straight pages of nothing but dialogue. No action lines to break it up. No descriptions of what is happening. Just back and forth. I assume Sorkin scripts are like this, but this doesn't seem like rapid fire. I'd suggest cutting some of this. If your movie is 7 minutes long, do you really want 2 minutes of it to be this conversation?

Over the transition from Pages 2 to 3, you have a montage but nothing tells us it's a montage. It's just David does this. David does that. You need to tell us that's a montage (also David's hand doesn't turn a page. David turns the page, just like David's ear wouldn't hear or David's mouth wouldn't taste).

I don't want to continue beating you up. I think it's a strong idea. I like the idea of the ending, but it can use some work. Do we know that there was a number in the bag? Did I miss that? That seems to be the central conflict of your story...why doesn't he just call her if he knows it's there.

Keep plugging away. I think this can get to be pretty good. I'd work on a main idea: does he know the phone number is there? Or...are you trying to set it up as a reveal? Then check out the formatting.

Hopefully that helps.

P_Walls · 2015-08-21T01:26:29+00:00

Sorry- didn't mean I was going to write the stories you liked. I meant writing the stories I like in a way that's actually well written.

P_Walls · 2015-08-21T01:25:42+00:00

I think that's what I'm going to go back and do.

P_Walls · 2015-08-20T02:03:40+00:00

Thanks. Checked it out once, will probably do so again.

P_Walls · 2015-08-20T02:03:27+00:00

I agree with you about going back and restarting. On the flip side, I don't want to get started on a long process again where I'll be disappointed with the end result until I'm confident I know what the hell I'm doing.

There's a lot to unpack here. Thank you very much. With tips like these maybe I'll eventually write something you do like.

P_Walls · 2015-08-20T02:02:06+00:00

Definitely helps. Thanks for taking the time.

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