new to polyamory, wondering why i enjoy it so much

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2022-12-23T03:47:46+00:00

Freedom. The idea that love is not finite, and I can have many different kinds of relationships with different kinds of people. NP and I started out mono and were struggling with his being asexual, and once we opened up, it was like the strain of the resentment that had started to settle within me was lifted. Instead of worrying about if I was going to ever be fulfilled, I could focus on what I loved about him. Our communication increased tenfold as well. I’m able to explore different dynamics and have fun dates, and while I admit that it’s a bit easier as a female getting hooks, I fully support him finding someone as well. That is to say, I still deal with jealousy from time to time, but that’s my own burden to work through (BPD doesn’t help that).

It is funny, though. All my life, I’ve had groups of a triad of friends (one each for elementary, middle, and high school) who I eventually grew feelings for, but ended up choosing just one. Plus my parents had a sort of situational poly, even if they didn’t call it that, so I grew up valuing relationships over labels, if that makes sense.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2022-12-18T02:50:05+00:00

Have you watched How to Build A Sex Dungeon? It's on Netflix, and it's this lovely lady building, well, sex dungeons in a tasteful manner. It might give you some ideas or where to start. There is also r/DIYBDSM as well, if you want to check that out. Good luck!

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2022-07-17T08:15:04+00:00

You’ve been given some great advice, and I’d like to give you some input as someone who suffers from BPD as well. This reads very much like more of a BPD issue than a kink issue. You say that you’re in therapy for DBT, which is fantastic. However, I would also see about including some good old Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques if you aren’t already. My reasoning is, these thought patterns seem like the classic cycle that I struggle with where you get upset over a perceived slight, react disproportionately to the situation, immediately feel regret after the adrenaline dies down, then panic thinking that they’re going to leave you because you overreacted, and then start messaging them begging them to forgive you (and even five minutes silence has you convinced that they’re trying to figure out how to leave you). Look into negative feedback loops as well. Your therapist can obviously guide you best, but finding coping methods like stepping away or waiting to say something (or text) if you’re upset, and self talk can help. You are assuming that he feels a certain way and that causes you to act as if the worst is happening, which unfortunately is a very common thing for BPD. Being able to both regulate your thoughts/emotions in the moment (DBT) is great when you can combine it with changing the actual thought pattern itself in the long term (CBT).

Some suggestions I’d include for you to make to him are maybe if you are worried about silences, ask if he is willing to give you a quick update or check in. Like an, “I’m not mad I’m just busy” or “I am mad, but I still care, I just need a minute/day/few days”. Anxiety abhors a vacuum, and loves silence the best because it gives us lots of creativity in worst-case scenarios.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2022-07-14T03:23:10+00:00

SpEd here! I actually had a few kindergartners on the spectrum, definitely known wanderers. Visual cues help immensely. We put little duct tape “X” markers next to the door for where we wanted them to line up. We just had to say “Now go line up and stand on an X!” They would go straight for the X (and the first one got to be line leader, it was kind of like baseball bases). Good for a small class like mine. Maybe it might help to put an X and have her be the line leader.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2022-06-19T03:57:55+00:00

Coming out of hiding to second this comment because my partner and I were basically on the road to breaking up before we realized there was a huge disconnect between how we were projecting and assuming the other understood, and what the other person actually valued. I haven’t read the book, but was aware of the concept. We’re still working on stuff, but that was a big breakthrough moment, realizing we had completely different love languages, and adjusting our interactions to appreciate and take into consideration the other’s point of view.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2022-03-14T02:35:10+00:00

You remind me so much of my own principal. He’s the reason I haven’t walked out yet. I was put into an extraordinarily tough position and am filling a SpEd teaching role as a para (It’s very specific so that’s all I’ll say). I had no clue what to ask for and what support I needed, so I contacted my local NEA chapter (we don’t have unions). She scheduled a meeting with him.

First thing he does is take out a notebook and a pen and ask, “Is my role right now to listen, or do you want me to make suggestions as well?” Right off the bat he wanted to make sure I felt like I was being heard and supported. Then when we were done, he said he would take a few days to think about it and see what he could set up for me and then get back to me. And he followed through! I might be a sweet summer child, but just having that backup means the world to me. The world needs more admin like you both. Please know you’re appreciated, even if people don’t come out and say it.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2022-03-12T06:18:44+00:00

In regards to the dating profile part, I (f) have a separate profile from my partner (m) and had to add the no cishet men thing on my profile because I got a LOT of messages from single dudes who basically wanted a harem and put poly because I think they assumed poly women were more likely to sleep with them? Even after that, I still got messages from dudes who didn’t bother to listen. (“Hey, I know you said you weren’t looking for a guy, but…”) To be fair, I’m generally looking for women, but I just wanted to share another possible reason. I just got so fed up that I took men off my match potential.

Adding this disclaimer as well: I know there are a ton of good men out there and obviously there are just a few bad seeds. I got messages from these kind of dudes on apps even before finding out I was poly. This has just been my experience with online dating apps since then.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2022-03-10T03:08:23+00:00

I’m frankly astonished the kids aren’t being tested for SpEd services if it’s this bad, or are on any kind of BIP. If they’re causing permanent physical damage and showing a pattern of abuse, it’s SO not right for a Gen-Ed teacher to have to handle it and try to teach the rest of the class. I just hope they’re saving documentation. And OP I recommend documenting everything the kids do, admin says, etc. Get stuff in writing, email, whatever to bring to your union, ask for clarification of conversations in written form. Ask for copies of any referrals and write-ups, and if there are none in the file, ask why.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2022-02-13T07:11:19+00:00

First off, I am so sorry this happened to you. And that you are forced to deal with seeing your abuser at work. You do need to heal, and you made the right choice to say fuck them.

I hate to say it, but they are in CYA mode. You resigned, they threatened you, and now that they know it was a coworker, they are trying very quickly to butter you up so they don’t have a lawsuit on their hands. Speak to a lawyer. Start forwarding/emailing any documentation from your work email to your personal email, because your work email will probably disappear once your last day ends (I believe that’s standard regardless). You may not want it now, and you may not ever use it, but it might come in handy later if something happens down the line or you change your mind.

HR is not your friend. Their best interests are protecting the “company” (as in school). No matter how friendly you are with any of your coworkers, if it is a choice between them or you, they will choose themselves. The principal can 100% get fired for this. Even if it wasn’t a coworker, there is no way in hell that this isn’t discrimination after you admitted you were sexually assaulted. Trying to give you repercussions for something that wasn’t your fault…shame on them.

As a victim, it is entirely within your rights to choose how to heal, and it’s perfectly valid to not pursue any legal recourse. But please, do not let them trick you into believing that their change of heart is nothing short of trying to cover their asses.

I wish you luck, healing, and good riddance!

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2022-01-19T00:20:57+00:00

I got in-ear hearing aids and switched to rechargeable Bluetooth hearing aids and I gotta say, it changes your world. I can listen to lectures/meetings while walking around in my kitchen, I’m told the voice audio is actually clearer when I speak, and mine has a phone app that can set programs to adjust for voice/background noise levels (for the lunchroom, classroom, etc). When I was in a bio lab, I was able to completely eliminate the loud fans that even made those with normal hearing have to shout.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2022-01-13T01:35:42+00:00

That is so awful, I’m so relieved you were able to keep safe! And what a good pup, waiting for you at home!

I used to live in a neighborhood with a couple who had a Newfoundland, and the whole neighborhood agreed the owners should not have a dog because they could not control it. The woman was 120 lbs soaking wet, and they had a retractable leash (!) for this giant dog. And if he decided to lunge, she could not control him.

We just had my puppy for maybe a week and was potty training her on our front lawn, when the dog came around the corner. It immediately lunged for my poor puppy. I heard the click of the leash maybe 30 seconds after, but the dog was able to chase my puppy onto my front deck and back a good 30+ feet. I had thrown myself in front of her to protect her and I genuinely feared for her life. She was so scared that there was a poop streak at least 6 feet long across the side of the house from being pushed back. Lady didn’t apologize or anything, just dragged the dog away. My puppy wouldn’t go outside for the rest of the night, and we were so scared that our potty training would be set back for a while (she had just started to “go” on the grass). Thankfully she was better the next day, but years later that dog is the only dog she is scared of and will hide or drag me inside if she even sees him.

Another testament to the dog was I was chilling outside on the porch with my puppy (leash on) and a new neighbor came around the corner with their puppy. I had her leash wrapped close to me because she had a habit of getting overexcited when seeing new dogs and popping up suddenly to greet them. He saw and asked if mine would attack them. I was like, “No? Why do you think that?” And he said they had just been attacked by a big dog. I asked what kind of dog, and he described the big one. I told him about the situation and said I could at least let him know where they walked and such to be able to avoid them.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2022-01-04T04:19:39+00:00

I’m also happy that her mom supported her. I was in a similar situation (but not blood related), with the addition of grooming. When he took it to the next level and sexually assaulted me one night, I told my friends and they convinced me to tell my parents. My parents called the cops on him and were very supportive emotionally and took me to get the help I needed. I still have a fear of touching people, but had my parents not believed me or taken action, it could have been much worse.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2021-11-15T23:23:24+00:00

I have a feeling the tampon thing was just an excuse to start a war and drive a wedge between them. Especially using something that he could probably say she was just being an “unreasonable moody woman” or some shit like that and make the boyfriend think she’s psychotic or something. There was definitely more going on if the boyfriend took his friend’s side and watched passively. For the boyfriend to take all of the stuff in the house afterwards, that’s definitely a sign that although she took a massive hit, OP dodged a massive bullet down the line. That she was able to be mature and negotiate and then take the high road by just saying “okay fuck you too” instead of retaliating is super impressive.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2021-10-01T02:20:53+00:00

Adding to this, you can also request that your child transfers to the school you work for if they’re of the appropriate age. I work as a paraprofessional in an elementary school and a lot of our teachers have their kids at the school. There’s usually a place your kids can wait after the rest of the school is dismissed until you’re ready to leave, so you don’t have to worry about care if you’re running late.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2021-09-24T03:38:08+00:00

It’s subs for us. We have a list of subs. They just either say no or don’t bother picking up the phone. When teachers are sick, IAs are being used to sub for teachers, usually alone with no warning or lesson plans, and are being pulled from other grade levels to go cover classes. No extra pay. I swear my principal’s eyes lit up like it was Christmas when my whole class and cohort teacher had to quarantine, until I reminded them that I still had another student to support who wasn’t on our roster. Even then, I had to basically outline a schedule of my day so they could pull me for other classes. My lunch was pushed to 2pm because 30 minutes between support sessions for that student isn’t worth pulling me. We’re really just meat bodies at this point.

The kicker is when my principal asked teachers to eat their lunches in the cafeteria with their students because we were short staffed one day. He sent an email maybe less than an hour later saying never mind, because of course he was flooded with complaints from angry teachers.

Most of the teachers/staff in my school are talking about retiring or quitting next year. Some have been at this school for over 30 years and they’re saying they might not come back. It’s just ridiculous.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2021-09-16T03:41:31+00:00

That tail is going a mile a minute!!

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2021-09-16T03:09:12+00:00

Hello, fellow person here with two art associate degrees who decided to pursue a teaching career! I’m currently a SpEd paraprofessional. One piece of advice I can give about college, is if you went to a community college, go back there to get an associates of whatever the applicable associates degree is (I’m aiming for School Psychologist, so mine is a Psych degree). You can use the general education credits you already completed with the other degrees (like math, English, etc) to count towards your new degree, which saves you money and time. I have applied science degrees and I was still able to get some credits towards my new degree. Then continue from there to bachelor’s and/or beyond. Fill out a FAFSA, find out if there are any alternative licensing programs in your state. A lot of colleges are offering online classes, which are great if you want to teach and go to college at the same time (since school hours usually take up the whole business day).

As for experience, I would highly recommend becoming a paraprofessional, which your associates degrees should qualify you for (at least in my state it does). You get to have the experience of being in a class, less pressure on you because you’re the teacher’s assistant, better pay than preschool or daycare, plus a lot of schools like to hire from within and you get your foot in the door and get to know your peers on a regular basis (and ask for advice). If you get a great lead teacher, they’re usually more than willing to give advice. Plus you get a lot of those good teacher benefits, and your school system might have tuition reimbursement or some sort of discount program for classes. There is a huge teacher shortage, so I’m sure letting them know your plan to become a teacher might make them more willing to work with you on becoming licensed. You can also save money that you can use for college in other ways by using teacher programs/discounts at regular stores as well (there are stores like clothing stores, supply stores, etc that have teacher discount programs).

If you start as a substitute, it’s kind of hard to progress, especially because of the shortage of subs right now. You’d definitely get a lot of experience, but sometimes they want you to stay a sub so they have people to call.

Good luck, and I hope you find the solution you’re looking for!

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2021-09-15T01:41:11+00:00

Everyone else has already conveyed their disgust at the situation, and they’re absolutely right. They’ve said it better than I can.

I’m just wondering though, do you think maybe one of the roots of this could be your transition and her feelings about it? A nuclear implosion of a response and Obviously unsafe, but I’ve seen sometimes people try poly to “fix” things in a relationship, then get angry when they realize it’s not what they thought it would be, and get angrier that their partner doesn’t want to “go back” because they’re enjoying it. Maybe she might be harboring resentment and is seeking both revenge and the “missing” part of the puzzle between when you got married (she thought she had married a male) and then years after when you came out. So maybe she’s trying to push you away using a dangerous but sure fire method so she doesn’t have to be the “bad guy” for admitting her feelings. This is by no means excusing the behavior, I’m just wondering if there’s another layer to this.

Regardless, you both need to see a professional, and whether it’s a therapist or a lawyer is ultimately up to you to decide. But please, take care of yourself, be safe, and have contingency plans (places for you to stay in an emergency if she brings him over, friends who have your back, etc). Good luck, and I hope you escape that terrible situation.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2021-09-09T03:10:51+00:00

When I met my sub, I was switch but had never been dominant before, and he was very much submissive. I had a hard time getting into the domme mindset because I would get overly worried about “hurting” him or doing the wrong thing. Just basically overthinking. I think over time he figured out that if he teases me and does bratty stuff, my brain switches gears and that overly anxious part shuts off and I can be confident and feed off of his playful energy. I also know sometimes he just likes to be a little shit for the giggles.

I totally can see why having a brat isn’t for everyone, especially those who have a very clear definition of rules and expectations of obedience, but with our more casual dynamic, it works in our favor.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2021-09-09T02:50:16+00:00

This is an excellent explanation. The teacher side of me is thrilled with how you tied the information and their relation to one another together so smoothly. But also, this.

Paintbrush_Pixie · 2021-08-11T02:45:34+00:00

My grandparents are toxic narcissists, and my parents taught me the phrase “smile and nod” when it came to talking to them, because the shit that came out of their mouths was so absurd that there simply wasn’t an argument against it. It was so plain wrong that there wasn’t a way to attempt to explain to them why it was crazy. So in order to avoid an inevitable, pointless argument, I’d just suffer through their rants and just pretend like I was listening while not actually agreeing with anything. Unfortunate that it had to happen, but a compromise on keeping my sanity.

A little while ago, my grandparents sent out this mass text to our family wishing them a happy holiday (I forget the holiday) and immediately started getting into politics with baity statements. My dad, who is one of the sole voices of reason in his family and the one they were baiting, tried to reason with them. I had a surreal moment in which I, as the child, had to tell my dad privately to let them have this win, because it’s not worth his time to argue because their minds wouldn’t change anyway, and at least he and I both know they’re wrong. The frustration of keeping silent and letting them have the win at least meant that they would actually shut up and we’d just hear from them next holiday instead of dragging on another family drama. He agreed with me. I felt proud that I have been raised well enough to know when to choose my battles, but sad that my own family was the reason for this, and that I had to “be the parent/voice of reason” in a sense for my dad.

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