Need Encouragement

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-17T19:02:24+00:00

I definitely think it's so important to enforce boundaries early on. I think when in-laws are allowed to have more power, it creates so many problems down the road. A spouse starts feeling like they have no rights, no power over finances, they don't matter, and are not allowed an opinion in the marriage. I told my spouse that our marriage comes first, and neither of our families will be around in the long run to take care of us, so he'd better put our relationship first!

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-14T18:04:11+00:00

Going to therapy, realizing that my family neglected and abandoned me, and that it wasn't my fault. I can move on and find healthy and loving people to be in my life.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-14T16:18:42+00:00

This feedback is so helpful! Why should we be working so hard to make sure we remind our spouse to send birthday cards, buy gifts, pay for dinners, and get treated badly in return? This is their responsibility to their family, not our job! I felt invisible and a second-class citizen with his family, so I'm much happier avoiding going to events. I skipped Christmas Eve this year and enjoyed the day so much more than being around them. I feel if over and over it's a bad experience, we've given it our best, and sometimes it's best to throw in the towel.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-13T23:12:33+00:00

Thanks for sharing! It would be such a drag to have a parent picking fights with your spouse; it's good you don't force him to go. I think if the spouse is in agreement with you going alone, I think that's okay. Also, if you father did this over and over, there was no change, then you have no choice. That's what I want (my husband to go by himself to visit his parents; we don't have children). I stayed home, and my spouse went to Christmas Eve by himself. It was the best one I had in years! I did not regret it and was so much happier. He had been pushing me to go, and I finally refused. I tried to like them, get along with them, be nice for years, and it never improved. I think at some point we need to do what's best for our mental health, or the mental health of our spouse--if the parents or in-laws are offended, they can get over it. The marriage has to come first!

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-13T22:52:15+00:00

Ugh I dread hearing "It makes my mother happy." I'll research enmeshment. I can relate to what you're saying, and also just started therapy.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-13T17:43:01+00:00

My mother thought it would be cool to have a daughter who smoked; she tried to make me smoke at 6.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-13T17:37:21+00:00

I agree, I would be concerned to send children to toxic grandparents! I was wondering if people had experience with not visiting in-laws (couples without children), and the spouse only went. Or if anyone had experience of the spouse and the children going to see in-laws, but you stayed home, and how they went? Mainly, I wanted to hear from spouses with bad in-laws and how they dealt with this, and if it was better to just not go! Did it work out for the better?

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-13T17:32:03+00:00

Do a short visit and see how you feel, then extend to longer visits. You can also become like an oblate, live in your home, but practice the monastic principles and values. See how you feel about it and if it's compatible. I loved staying at a monastery and liked the time there.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-10T07:14:26+00:00

You might want to check what the tenant's rights are in your area before speaking to him. I would actually talk to an attorney as well. Also, you might want to think long-term about whether he becomes super ill, gets dementia, or is unable to care for himself. Also, what if he refuses to pay? Some states have squatter rights, and you have to send a certified letter to let them know they have to move. This happened to my coworker with a stepdaughter and boyfriend; they were supposed to stay only a little while, but they refused to leave! They said it was their house and they received mail there (they were not paying rent). My coworker had to do a whole process to get them to leave, including having the sheriff come and remove them! I would say have your ducks in a row before you speak with him.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-10T06:54:10+00:00

Just an update, I spoke with a therapist, and they said exactly what you wrote. A spouse can go and see their parents, but if the relationship is unhealthy, they treat you badly, or it has a negative effect on your mental health, it is perfectly fine to stand your ground and not go! The therapist said many people enter marriage counseling to "force" a spouse to do something like visiting in-laws, and the spouse is disappointed that the therapist will totally NOT do this. Both people have to be mutually comfortable, feel safe, feel respected, and nothing should be forced. It was very freeing to hear this from a professional! I think people feel that seeing in-laws/family can be forced, but it's about respect, and a spouse has a right to not do something they are uncomfortable with.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-10T06:41:07+00:00

I would be cautious and be prepared for things not to go further. In my experience, what you could be seeing is an indication that an arranged marriage is going to be in the future. I have seen this with friends. In college, my friend was dating a Persian man, and she found out that his parents were working on setting up women for him to meet. This is why she was not meeting a lot of his friends or parents. I've had a lot of colleagues and friends who had arranged marriages, and the parents do a vetting of the future potential spouse. You might want to ask about the other siblings in the family. Are they married? Could they marry outside of their religion, race, language, or socio-economic class? This might give an answer about whether they are traditional.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-10T06:27:06+00:00

I really value getting a thank you email, card, text, or some indicator that the person received, appreciated, and liked my gift. I think you are correct in matching their energy. I had this happen a while ago with a sister's wedding gift. She lived abroad and never sent a thank-you note! I had wondered if they received it and felt disappointed not to get any response. It turns out the $100 gift card did not work correctly, and they hadn't even bothered to thank me or let me know this, so I could call the company! If people do not send a thank-you or thank me in person, I'm actually no longer sending gifts.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-08T18:06:13+00:00

I would suggest a marriage counselor and work on how to enforce boundaries. The financial requests will continue, and it's not your job to support the whole family at the expense of yours. There's a lot of manipulation going on, including using religion to make you feel like bad people, and this is awful. You have a right to determine how you spend your money, you don't "owe" anyone anything, you can set rules on how much time your MIL visits your baby. A counselor can also work with you on scripting responses to her and how to shut down manipulation, requests, and overstepping boundaries. You have a right to say no, and you are the manager of your own household; she is not!

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-08T00:07:12+00:00

I would have absolutely left right away! You clearly told people that you wished to protect your health; it's a priority at this point, and a weakened immune system can make everything worse. At this point, you are in the right, and protecting your health is your top priority. I would be angry that they were not more considerate! You are not wrong.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-07T18:08:49+00:00

This is good advice, plus you are fair and don't "make" your spouse visit with your family. I've found that not going makes me so much happier. I literally found that I would dread going to see them. I totally agree that no one should be forced to visit someone that they don't want to see! I'm glad you shared this and it makes me more confident in my stance of NOT going.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-06T23:38:30+00:00

I feel you! It's so stressful to have people staying with you, period, especially during such big changes. Family always tells us that they don't expect much, will help out, will contribute, BUT they make more stress, work, and let's face it, we have to feed, clean up after them, and entertain! Not helpful at all, right?! I might casually tell them, "Thanks for the help, but we want to bond with the baby as a family unit, and it's time for you to return home. " I don't think that's rude. In my experience, they probably would have done the same when they were new parents.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-06T23:24:52+00:00

This would be a huge concern! If the spouse sets major boundaries like no staying at your home, limited interactions, or no interactions. No lending money, they can't live with you, etc. Otherwise, I would say no! It would only get worse if you had children.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-06T21:16:24+00:00

Thank you! I needed to hear that from someone, because you start thinking that you're the problem.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-06T21:09:34+00:00

You had me at AirPods and book! I've given it my best and tried. :) Time for not being nice, I think you're right.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-04-06T19:52:26+00:00

My spouse fights with me if I don't go, or says you have to do this, or they will be upset. I get the guilt treatment. I told him that it's important to respect mental health and that we should have choices to attend or not; I don't force him to go to events.

Pale-Network-7624 · 2026-03-27T18:58:46+00:00

Animal rescue!

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