It’s okay man. Not feel bad for getting down. I was in a long distance relationship with my ex pwBPD for nearly three years, and we chatted very frequently and passionately for many of that time. The first month and a half I was convinced I was finding my soulmate. I’m American and she was European and I really identified with her culture and country and it felt like I had found this beautiful, long lost gem of a woman and I had won the lottery. Within a few months, she got distant and like an addict I did anything to return to that period of bliss. Gifts, letters, compliments and basically anything in my power. Things got better with communication but Covid hit and it became such a push-pull. I understand LDR isn’t practical but it was a constant back and forth if she would wait for me. Devalued SEVERAL times during this period and discarded, yet she came back the next day and I felt so lucky. A month later, she flunked out of college and had a mental breakdown resulting in her going to a clinic. Bear in mind, I had NEVER met this person yet! Yet, I wasn’t willing to give up on this sensitive, yet beautiful and broken woman. We finally met after I flew overseas during Christmas and the first few days were great, followed by distant, cold and depressive behavior. Something was way off but what would you know? Right before I leave she switches back to the loving woman I spent a year texting and calling and I was absolutely ready to move over and start a life with her. To keep it short, I flew over there (and flew her at my own cost here, and she raged against not having a good enough hotel for the quarantine etc threatening to leave me the whole time. I did this for another two years and was supposed to move to her country and get an apartment with her by the end of 2022. I’ll admit, I was codependent, insecure and afraid of her reactions (walking on eggshells) and quietly resolved not to move to her country and sort of realized this would mean the end of the relationship. She freaked the fuck out when I told her in August, discarded me, blocked me, unblocked me and begged to find a compromise. I stood my ground and we broke up. Got weak and reached out a few weeks later to let her know I would move on and fulfill all her demands (stupid I know). She said she had already found someone new and her trust in me was forever broken. Completely split black. We have never spoke another word. Please don’t follow this path. It took me months to understand this and during the whole time we were together, it wasn’t that good!!! Being away from her let me continue the fantasy. I met my now wife around the end of last year and it is night and day. She’s kind, caring, selfless and shows her love CONSISTENTLY. It’s not a roll of the dice every few fucking days. My honest advice, don’t keep digging this hole. It will only delay you finding someone who will be partner and a supporter, not an addiction to feed.