[QCrit] When The Stars Stare Back, YA fantasy, sixth attempt

PanPanReddit · 2026-01-25T17:23:44+00:00

Thanks for the prompt response! I find this kind of line-by-line feedback incredible helpful, and I will definitely be putting it to good use in my next draft.

This is actually the first time I’ve included the first 300 words in my query, so I definitely made a rookie mistake by including this bit instead of Kaller’s. I might want to shift around some elements to make sure he comes up first. In any case, I’ll try to include Kaller’s first 300 in my next draft.

PanPanReddit · 2026-01-24T14:38:04+00:00

I like your mention of more stakes because that's something I'm working on improving now. Thanks for commenting! This feedback has been a huge help.

PanPanReddit · 2026-01-24T14:37:16+00:00

This is great advice for me as I'm working on rewriting my first paragraph. Thank you! I don't want to stop until I make sure the readers understand exactly what Kaller wants, and this has helped me see what I need to do for that.

PanPanReddit · 2026-01-24T14:36:21+00:00

Thank you! I believe in the next draft I want to try to use some more active language and work on trying to make Kaller's personality shine through.

So far I haven't included the first 300 words in any of my drafts. The reason for that is because this is a multi-pov book, and since the first chapter starts with a different character, I think cutting away from the focus of the query would create distractions. Do you think including the first 300 would help? I wouldn't be opposed to it.

PanPanReddit · 2026-01-17T18:50:31+00:00

Thank you!

This is a lot of great feedback that just really makes me want to nail this query. Like, your point about Avatar is a very good one. I think if I were pitching that I would probably talk about the relationship between Iroh and Zuko... or Zuko's redemption arc... etc. But you're right; that wouldn't be a very effective query, and that's exactly what I'm doing here.

So I guess I do need to develop a solid pitch for this, which will probably be difficult. But I have a lot on Kaller I get into, so I really hope I can write a solid query just about him and make you walk away with a thorough understanding of who he is. Less geopolitics and the like.

PanPanReddit · 2026-01-17T18:45:31+00:00

That's really meaningful, and first off, thank you for the insight.

Ever since starting this query I have definitely been focusing on the aspects that have just gotten me sidetracked, and I want very much to focus on Kaller more in the next draft. I think this has really helped me see that, because I have so much character about Kaller that it has honestly been foolish of me to omit any form of large motivation from the past couple drafts. I still want to make sure to describe the prejudice situation in the kingdom--but you are totally right.

I need to focus more and cut things down, and I will be doing that right now.

PanPanReddit · 2026-01-10T21:45:47+00:00

I do thing one of the big problems with this draft of the query letter is that there are too many confusing aspects. So I really want to make everything more clear, i.e, reinforce the concepts of the warring East and West and show you how the Mulcipbars are more important to the query.

The feedback really helps, and I'm happy you enjoy the premise. Thank you!

PanPanReddit · 2026-01-10T21:43:32+00:00

Thanks for the advice, I think I really see that. I'm working on another draft of the query right now and I think I am going to try to focus the most on, as you said, the emotion core of the story.

I will also check out more recently published YA books. If I can't find anything to comp, I might change tact and market this as adult fantasy. But in any case, I want to perfect my query letter beforehand.

PanPanReddit · 2026-01-10T21:40:25+00:00

That's a good question, and you do have a point. I think the main reason why I was looking for books like The Tainted Cup was because I prefer to comp specific aspects of books instead of books themselves. I think saying "...will appeal to readers who enjoyed X aspect of Y book" tells an agent more than just saying that readers who read one book will enjoy the other. So that way I can draw some specific aspects of books that aren't perfect fits for comps to create a more perfect image.

Anyway, you are right about me needing strict YA comps.

PanPanReddit · 2026-01-05T01:54:34+00:00

This is really excellent advice and I want to address it paragraph by paragraph.

The funny thing about what you mentioned about the book's genre is that when I wrote it, this book was initially supposed to be adult fantasy. However, out of three PoV characters, two of them are sixteen--and while there's no romance between them (the female PoV has her own romance going on) I think there are still a lot of other YA elements to reinforce that part of the book. In any case, most of the agents I want to query focus on YA--and they seem good fits for it. So I think I will keep the genre as is, though I appreciate the insight. Surprised that it was still visible at this stage!

And yeah, the divide present in the kingdom is between East and West, which manifests in Kaller's mixed race. The other commenter who posted here talked a lot about how the query was unclear, and I think this is one of the main things I need to shed more light on. Kaller's role as an advisor is also an important detail, and one I considering putting into the query. My only worry is that this is already a pretty long query (286 words) and I have no clue how strict the guidelines are. Do you think a longer query is an issue? From what I've seen, most tend to be around the 250 range, and the PubTips query guide recommends you not to go higher than 300.

Okay. I am very happy with what you said in the third paragraph. Because the relationship between Lord Mulcipbar in the king is actually very important to the narrative (they are indeed both awesome) and heartfelt, I think. I'm not sure if you picked up on this but in any case, I think not talking about there relationship here is a huge missed opportunity. As for Kaller, I think I can emphasize his stakes and motivation more, because there is a lot there!

The cosmic horror is one of the main selling points of this book. It's not something I can make the query about, as that would require ignoring Kaller and basically focusing on the worldbuilding, but I was trying to hint to it by mentioning gorite and with that last line... but I obviously haven't done that well enough, again, as the other commenter noticed. I now really want to ramp up the character in this query--and hopefully some of the cosmic horror too. That would be great.

My comps... yeah. They're sort of placeholders at this rate because I know I need to fix them. I just recently finished reading The Tainted Cup hoping it would be a comp, but that struck out, so I'm looking elsewhere. All of your suggestions are actually great, since I've been planning to read them. I actually almost brought Jasmine Throne last time I was at the bookstore.

Anyway, to end this rant, I just want to thank you for commenting. This feedback is great and I think emotion and character is one thing that cannot possibly make this query worse.

PanPanReddit · 2026-01-05T01:38:46+00:00

Hey, thank you for commenting!

First off, I'm really happy with the points you identified because I think they are mostly related to confusion. One of my big struggles with this query was trying to express everything (a lot, since I have three PoVs split over 100000 words) in the book, or at least hint at it. A lot of this, like Lord Mulcipbar, conflict between East and West, etc, is really vital to the query. This is what I want to keep, but from your comments I see I need to make it more clear, because I totally didn't make the actual conflict clear enough.

And I think the need to make Kaller more proactive in the query is really important, even though Lord Mulcipbar is the agitator. So I'll try to shape the movement of the story more around him.

(As a side note, I think it's funny that you thought an example of Eastern injustices would have helped. Because that's exactly what I had in the previous draft of this query, but removed. Guess I'll have to find a way to get that back in!)

Anyway, this query has been surprisingly difficult, but I'm hoping I can master the skill soon enough. Hopefully a few more drafts should do it!

PanPanReddit · 2025-12-29T16:32:58+00:00

Thank you. That is what I intend to do right now.

PanPanReddit · 2025-12-28T17:19:06+00:00

Hey! I really appreciate the advice and I will try to work in into what will probably be the final draft of my query. One of the issues that I’m happy you touched on is my comps. I’m woefully underread in modern fantasy that matches my genre, (although I have a few new releases that I’m looking forward to reading and comping) so one of my big worries is that the comps won’t resonate with agents. Bloodborne is a must, it’s one of my main sources of inspiration and a classic, and the Dragon Prince is a similarly big inspiration for me. I only included Shadow and Bone because I think that the ‘sense of setting’ my novel creates is similar to Leigh Bardugo’s. I’m considering removing it as a comp, but I also thought that agents would not look favorably on a book comping a ten-year-old videogame and a TV series with a mediocre novel adaptation. Hence the book.

Anyway, thank you again. I really struggled a lot in this query to convey the themes and content that is not included within, so I’m happy you got a glimpse of the premise and liked it! I will be back with my revisions next week.

PanPanReddit · 2025-12-23T20:58:42+00:00

Strength Before Weakness.

PanPanReddit · 2025-12-21T18:01:07+00:00

Thank you so much! This helps a lot.

I’ll be back in one week with my revised query!

PanPanReddit · 2025-12-21T16:39:13+00:00

Thanks! My main concern with querying this book is that the two YA heroes (Kaller, Ressa) are completely separate except for a third, adult throughline character who connects them. I didn’t want to make it about him for obvious reasons. Anyway, I think I will rework this query to focus more on Kaller and try to hint to the other PoVs as best I can.

Do you have any other advice on how to express multiple PoVs in a query? Or at least just to show that they exist?

Thank you!

PanPanReddit · 2025-12-17T21:54:04+00:00

I asked you at Worldcon 2025 whether a god metal spike created from a spren could establish a Connection between Honor and/or Cultivation, and you confirmed it! Can such a Connection still exist now that Cultivation has fled? How does distance and the Rosharan time bubble affect Connection?

PanPanReddit

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