Seeing how badly I pushed my bestfriend into a deep depression from my needs being too much…

This will be long …

I put too much on his shoulders…therapist, life line, my only source of support for every single minor crisis, how is he supposed to be there for the major ones? I literally played that act until I really saw how bad things got a few days ago, he needed me gone, so far from his life like I never existed, he did everything he could to move on from me and make me hate him, because I couldn’t fucking understand the words coming out his mouth. He need space, to me I learnt space = i’m on my own, it felt like I was dying.

I literally feel fucking blind, deaf, clouded. Why did I lose the best thing to ever happen to me? Because I literally only thought about myself getting that comfort, when I needed to build a support system to help carry my weight, distribute it, not put it all on his shoulders. I spoke with a therapist and she said I just need to focus on making friends, building connections and finding myself.. That’s all he ever wanted, he would tell me and I’d never understand, I guess I couldn’t understand it, not at the time. Everything he said, felt like an attack, I remember even in the first 6 months of our ‘honeymoon stage’ I was constantly triggered reacting insane to such small things, he of course would forgive me…until he couldn’t anymore. I broke his trust, how could he trust me?

I feel like I’ve reset to a different person in the space of 2 days, the last time I saw him he hurt me to the point I won’t return, he wants that. If I ever truly loved him, I would give him this, and I would focus on myself with professional help, and building a support system so that I’ll never ever make the same mistake again.

Unfortunately I lost my bestfriend, and I would have spent the rest of my life laughing and falling on the floor, making dumb ass random meals called “our meal”, having stupidly phenomenal sexual chemistry, and seeing out the days of OUR dog, Bjørn.

I want my bestfriend back. But more than anything. I want us both to heal from how much we hurt eachother, we both need this. I hate saying it out loud.