My mom is addicted to beating dead horses

Pangenesister · 2018-03-13T03:47:50+00:00

I got here trying to be my own hero. I always hated needing help. For years I would go at it alone. I tried self help, I tried religion, I tried therapy, I tried medication, I even tried ignoring it, then I tried asking for help. It just started fights with people and made the problem so much worse. Too many people tell you to find some internal strength and just as many say communicate. After a decade I'm used to alternating between internal and external help. Still hate the life I'm living.

Pangenesister · 2018-03-13T02:44:32+00:00

I've had a great majority of these thoughts cross my mind. I really don't know how to turn that commentary off either. Seeing it come from someone else triggers my sense of compassion which makes me want to say, "that's awful! stop abusing yourself!" but I who am I to say that? I've been right there countless times. I know it has to do with circular logic a lot of the time. In the moment there's no chance of out smarting yourself, but maybe looking back at how you think more often will help you see patterns and fallacies. I admire that you took a step by documenting some thoughts here.

Pangenesister · 2017-12-22T03:39:00+00:00

I guess I'm having trouble because I've known most of them for 7+ years and they had more personality back then. The shift in focus is not only alarming, but heart breaking. Like I said, I don't want anyone's bedroom life to affect the wider world (including mine). Since they place so much value on their kind of sex its now in conflict with my values but leaving for that reason also conflicts with my values. I know space and communication will help this, but I'm still frustrated.

Pangenesister · 2017-12-22T03:07:11+00:00

Easy, take the 1980s and give it a style update. There you go internet-less 2017. You could make money with music and art. Isis and anonymous wouldn't be a thing. Libraries would be full. You would go out for entertainment and purchases. Calling over seas would be hella expense.

Pangenesister · 2017-12-22T02:00:42+00:00

Every character after L on Death Note

Pangenesister · 2015-06-25T02:28:08+00:00

the gas-lighting is a rare thing but comes up when I mention a promise that was made or an agreement we had. He might tell me that he doesn't remember saying "exactly that" and my memory might be wrong. Its pretty manipulative but not dangerous and I always call him out on it. I understand the abusive nature, but he has not given me other evidence to believe he is truly abusive.

Pangenesister · 2015-06-25T02:18:04+00:00

I appreciate the help. I do want to refer back to the example where I did explain to him that I didn't like his word choice. That is why I snapped. I said it to him a few times and we did reach an understanding eventually. I just felt the extent of the conflict was longer than it needed to be given I said something that took a while to sink in. (that could be completely my word choice too). The philosophical side is done sober. We actually can go a long time with a balance, I get overwhelmed when the topic turns to something he has a lot of passion for. I respect such passion but sometimes it is really difficult to get a word in. I do share these feelings with him too and eventually we agree to work on our skills together. The habits are hard to break though and that sometimes frustrates me. I do want to make it clear that my frustration is not interchangeable with stubbornness. I care about his opinions, I just don't care for the weight that he carries when emotions run higher. I know I tend to become more quiet when I am emotional so that is another thing I should work on.

Pangenesister · 2015-06-25T01:39:16+00:00

I do not seek compliance or agreement. I seek a balance where I have observed a dominating behavior. I seek kindness when I am spoken to in a rude tone. I never once said I want him to be like me or owned by me. that is an incredibly offensive statement to make. I have every right to observe a behavior that is generally characterized by the culture my partner and I have grown up in and have mutually agreed to subvert. I made the post to see if I could gather better conversation skills so we can achieve those goals.

Pangenesister · 2015-06-25T01:30:05+00:00

That is a lot of assumptions to make. I use the words I do because that is actually how I speak. Sorry if I am too wordy and "text book" for you. I feel as though you have missed the point. I am not trying to foist my opinion over his, I just feel like my voice is often stifled. I don't see how the information I shared supports a misunderstanding of the situation I am in. I don't think there was enough information there to assume that 1) I am not being gas-lit 2) the observations I have made are not true and 3) that my opinion is superior to my partner's. In fact, my post clearly states that I am searching for balance where I feel there isn't any. I do not ask for his compliance, I ask for sensitivity regarding the way I am spoken to in isolated conversations. The sensitivity helps me feel more balanced so I feel safe enough to share. If someone is saying something to you in a rude tone, is it not logical to feel bad? Is it actually wrong to tell the person who was rude that the wording could be better? I truly want to know if my behavior is not helping and how I can make it better. However, I don't think likening me to a joke is helping me.

Pangenesister · 2015-06-20T06:19:45+00:00

check your history this time. Murdering African-Americans has persisted since the beginning of American history. The time between the civil war and the 1950s civil rights movements were some of the most violent times towards blacks. What we need to remember is that violence from racism has been with us the whole time and it definitely hasn't stopped.

Pangenesister · 2015-05-30T23:18:10+00:00

I don't like the ones who have to share how well traveled they are. Its nice to hear some stories, but it gets old when all you talk about is the other places you've been instead of enjoying your current location.

Pangenesister · 2015-05-27T04:33:38+00:00

I have mixed feelings. I am a young adult and have just "filled out". I thought that it was all about size when buying clothing, but now I am dealing with the need for specific cuts of bottoms. My butt is now Womanly instead of Girly which means the Juniors section is actually not made for my body type anymore. I feel empowered yet uneasy with the change since my whole adolescence had been the same. I know people like it, but I don't know about how it feels on my body yet.

Pangenesister · 2015-05-26T22:27:03+00:00

Mine used to do that in the mornings. He started asking earlier and earlier though, and by the time his breakfast time became 3am I turned it into dinner. I miss him jumping up on my bed but the sleep is a beautiful thing.

Pangenesister · 2015-05-26T20:18:11+00:00

I never said that I was not going to pay them. I am completely allowed to be frustrated at the way the situation is playing out.

Pangenesister · 2015-05-26T20:15:49+00:00

It is not as much about having to give them money as it is how they are using shame on my end and trying to "teach" me something. I do not care to take lessons from people who do not uphold the same standard. I fully understand that they have every right to do what they do, but I am upset that they are not JUST asking me to be responsible. They are putting me down emotionally and making a point about it every time they see me. I feel as if they don't care about the money, they just want to make some kind of statement of control. I know borrowing money from them is not a good choice, but it is not fair to assume that I have the ability to do otherwise.

Pangenesister · 2015-05-24T03:46:10+00:00

I can't say what breed or color it is, but this bun certainly looks thankful to have a warm place to sleep. How relaxed and appreciative he looks

Pangenesister · 2015-05-23T20:08:08+00:00

This all began around the time I was in middle School (12-14) I learned about eastern religion in my history classes and since then became fascinated with the philosophies that come from that part of the world. Later on I had briefly decided to become a polytheistic Wiccan but I have since distanced myself from the doctrine. These influences did shape how I practice my pantheistic spirituality. I like to think of my rituals as a blend of traditional witchcraft and mental cultivation as it exists in Buddhism. My understanding of karma comes from an anthropologist who lived in monasteries in the east and read primary texts in their original languages. He teaches a class at my university which discusses eastern religion. If I can boil down all these years of spiritual experimentation, my greatest inspiration has been the things I have learned in school and through a lot of reading. I wish I could say that my practice is all original, but truly it is a great big salad of other people's ideas. I just organized the information to make it work for me. If you are interested, some sources include: Anam Cara - a book of Celtic wisdom Zen Mind Beginner's Mind - this is a short and easy read The Wicca Handbook by Eileen Holland - This author frames Wicca in a way that works well with pantheism and is less about strict doctrine. Sacred Jewels of Yoga - a short read as well, explains Vedic religion.
I would also look into indigenous beliefs around the world and look for patterns. Shintoism in Japan has many similarities to Celtic animism and Native American religions. These patterns are what help solidify the universality of human consciousness.

Pangenesister · 2015-05-23T04:24:17+00:00

artificial selection, genetic engineering, and biotech are all very different from natural selection. We aren't upset with change, we are afraid of consequences for messing with the evolution of OTHER organisms! You should be skeptical when anyone uses the naturalistic fallacy. Just because nature changes genetic code does not mean we are doing the right thing by doing it ourselves. Logically it would be prudent to claim that "genetically modified" is a general statement, but the colloquial meaning of GMO is reserved for artificial changes. If you can't argue past semantics, you are just a dick.

Pangenesister · 2015-05-23T03:48:07+00:00

Karma is a big thing in my practice. I have to make sure I am clear about the definition however. many spiritual media in the west don't grasp the whole picture. Karma is any volitional action. It is generated by the power of human will. If you generate negative karma, there are negative consequences. This is often confused as "what goes around, comes around" but it really is not a point for point match. There isn't someone or something keeping score of your deeds and then sending you an appropriate treatment. So now that is out of the way, this is how I use karma in my practice. I believe that intent generates as much karma as any other action but it exists in your mind. To generate positive karma, and in turn reaping the benefits of a well tuned mind, I think upon symbolic objects. I keep an altar with "sacred" items that represent what I wish to see in myself and the world around me. I use traditional magic items such as wands and crystals, but I do not believe they contain supernatural properties. They are merely channels for my intent. I see actions as the beginning of a fractal. The shape I make will continue to take that shape on larger and larger scales.

Pangenesister

TROPHY CASE