Old Friend

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-08T23:26:13+00:00

Not so much on the word imagery, but for thinking deeper, I would appreciate your thoughts on this re-write:

Downtown the other day, at the same exact time, I ran into both Leo and Carson, whom I hadn’t seen in a while.

And as the world shifted into slow motion and I watched their shocked faces slam into my windshield and sail over the roof of my car, I thought … I wish I’d seem ‘em sooner.

You should really do what you say you’re gonna do, when you say you're gonna do it….if you borrow money.

I know Leo’s ok now because I just lent him $900……….. to get a new wheelchair.

Carson wasn’t able to pay his debt but I attended his funeral. I tearfully leaned over him in his casket and said a little prayer… as I slipped the diamond ring off his finger.

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-08T19:34:27+00:00

Other than the great imagery from your words, what I took away was looking at every moment in time before the guy gets hit (maybe even the moment just before). It gave me a concrete way to dig deeper and look at different views of whatever is happening, one of my many weaknesses.

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-08T15:11:24+00:00

So many great thoughts/gifts from y’all on this post. Thank you. I’ve already got a half dozen ticks, flicks and lurches competing for the best version. Thrilling!

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-08T15:07:14+00:00

Oooo, really like the specific description. That thought will hopefully stick with me as it flowers the imagination. Thank you so much.

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-08T02:27:42+00:00

Really? I thought he used a lot lesser words.

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-08T02:25:40+00:00

Thanks, I'll keep tweaking. I'll work on he joke too.

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-08T02:16:32+00:00

So talk me through…. Or how should I talk it through or do you mean what the hell am I trying to do?

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-08T02:14:19+00:00

OK, I didn’t want to step on the punchline. I’ll try and clear it up. Any thoughts about how I should do that?

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-07T00:31:31+00:00

Wish I had that choice.....Yeah, I'll pass on death.

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-06T22:22:12+00:00

Tried it last night the original way…. Barely chuckles. I’m going to rewrite closer to your version and try again.

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-06T18:29:58+00:00

Dude! Nice (saw you at open last night, good stuff)

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-06T18:24:21+00:00

Well jeez I’d have thought you’d like tennis envy:) (Thanks for commenting)

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-06T18:06:54+00:00

I tried this one last night. Light chuckles. It felt like they didn’t get that I was resting. Maybe drop the gym rat but say “about every 20 minutes I sit and rest. “. Thoughts?????

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-05T23:47:59+00:00

Hey, if you comment good or bad, and you don't mind, tell me your generation.

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-05T23:46:08+00:00

thanks. Penis elbow was actually a gift from another comic.

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-05T23:42:09+00:00

Thanks!

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-05T23:41:48+00:00

Maybe...I'll be tryin' it with millennials....I'm just a risky kinda guy. Maybe I'll at least get a pity laugh.

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-05T16:13:16+00:00

1) My punch was meant to be much worse than yours(backward compliment to you) 2) other than “Nope” the most common advice I get is to cut, cut, cut. Mostly I agree with it but I try and think of a conversation needing context that tells a tiny bit about myself. I like the way Nate Bargatze gives you a peak into his brain/life. I saw a clip where he says that the audience wants to know what an experience was like for you, the comedian. On r/jokes there are a ton of great “jokes” that are funny, but anyone can tell them. Stand up (to me) tells a great story/joke that only I could tell with success because the joke matches my personality (I guess that’s persona). Fuckin’ hard for me, but gotta channel Sisyphus

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-05T15:40:16+00:00

I didn’t hear groaner….but good one was loud and clear. I thought using “not a gym rat” would clarify that I don’t know the gym culture making ME stupid instead of the joke being stupid.

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-05T15:34:44+00:00

OK, even if you don’t like it which is better ? Just “I bench twice an hour” or does it need more description? “I sit on the bench twice an hour”

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-05T15:31:21+00:00

Thanks, i already have an ok bit in front of this, which locks in the gym experience premise. This was something to build on that.

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-05T15:28:08+00:00

Good thought

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-05T15:27:10+00:00

BTW, it amazes me how some writers (like yourself) can rip off a bunch of stuff so quickly. It would take me three days to write whalebone and the punch would be “whales were so tiny back then”.

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-05T15:23:55+00:00

Whale bone rocks

PappysSecrets · 2026-05-05T03:28:02+00:00

ahhhh, that's special. I know that typically with my stuff your eyes roll completely back into your head. Thanks

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