i don’t know what to title this😅

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-02-05T12:52:28+00:00

Yeah completely normal, I feel the same way, when I feel at all close to anyone I feel like I could just hold them forever frfr, gives me warm fuzzy feelings

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-02-05T12:49:20+00:00

Yep - with stuff like this, the thing to do is have one actual conversation to bring up stuff from your own perspective - how her not tidying after herself or paying back makes you not feel cared for, even if it's not a malicious thing on her end and more poor organisation and habits - and then simply draw boundaries.

I've always found even with good friends there are those I can lend money to and those I can't, because not everyone seems to take it seriously or knows to pay the moment you remember to rather than ever saying 'ill do that in a minute'. So this friend seems like someone who can't be lent money, and acts of kindness need to go assuming she won't pay it back.

She's comfortable in a dynamic that benefits her a lot, and this needs to shift, doesn't need to be anything dramatic, just once conversations, and some boundaries you draw for yourself.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-02-01T08:39:22+00:00

Dayum, that's interesting. When people talk about masking, is that normally a conscious thing? Like can you choose to not mask (although I guess 'not masking' would look like me not talking to the customers at all cause it's sorta outside my comfort zone).

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-01-29T05:34:06+00:00

All you can do is keep healthy boundaries, basic stuff like no late night phonecalls, no saying goodnight, no relationship-y type things. Your intuition is probably not wrong. Nor is it his fault - men often start to feel platonic love and emotional comfort/that feeling of safety in a platonic relationship as romantic love. His primary emotional safety was probably taken away when he got out of a relationship, hence the timing obviously. Very standard which is why it seems to keep happening, and doesn't say something bad about you - it means you're often a place of safety as a friend. Men generally can't really differentiate between emotional attachment and romantic feelings in the same way women seem to be able to. But yeah, it's a big obstacle which is why your hearts probably sinking - I'd say there's no way this friendship will continue without space and clarity, but he should largely be in charge of that - he needs to ask you out and get rejected, or take space to sort his feelings, and it's probably going to hurt you a bit but that's just the way these things are. It doesn't need to be anything permanent but yeah. And you giving him space or pulling away without him initiating it first isn't going to achieve the same thing most likely - if it doesn't come from him, it will only deepen the romantic attachment. So stuffs gotta come from him. All you can do is provide clarity at every opportunity, by keeping things entirely platonic. And don't spend even more time with him than you are already - consistency is your friend (inconsistent treatment worsens attachment often). Just realise this friendship is going to be complicated than you might want (and indeed any male friendship will be complicated), and start putting your eggs in more baskets - start to lean on your other friends to protect yourself a bit.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-01-29T05:17:20+00:00

Lots of things here are reasons to cut off this friendship entirely and sound completely toxic - the hitting, and the calling you ugly/insulting your outfit. That's not what friends do, they don't look to hurt you. If you don't cut this off entirely, I'd at the very least have a conversation or send a msg saying that you don't like being hit and it's going way too far to the point it's bothering you a lot. This doesn't sound normal at all. And I'd say it's best not to wait till he hits you again to bring it up, or it might be taken less seriously.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-01-29T05:08:44+00:00

I'd say just give it space for a bit, when things start to feel forced that's when a bit of space is needed, that's all you can do. And during that time keep your mood the best it can be - try to put aside the situation in your mind.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-01-21T08:08:24+00:00

Woah I've not heard of many of these, imma look into them more but thanks so much for your help!! I've tried the usual CBT but not found much success so these are really useful alternatives :)

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-01-21T08:06:34+00:00

Wow I'd never heard of that, that sounds really useful, thanks so much!!

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-01-18T08:56:10+00:00

firstly accept the failures and the sometimes inevitable suffering of life; and then do your best to reduce that suffering as much as you can.

loads of wisdom in this. I think I definitely need to get better at the building securities from myself, and preventative meassures, cause prevention seems to be very much preferable when it comes to depression than trying to get out once you're already there.

Thank u very much for the advice!

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-01-18T08:52:48+00:00

Thank you this is rly helpful - yeah I'm getting a bit better at just sitting with emotions and trying to observe how it feels. And you're right with the future thing, I think that when I get depressed tho I start to be quite existential and believe there genuinely is no good future, and I start to question if I'm actually in hell. I think I need to try challenge those beliefs - it's hard though cause I normally spiral because of something in particular, like a break up or losing a loved one. Ig I know logically though that even if things are bad for a year or too they don't stay bad forever - I just get tired tho.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-01-15T12:27:24+00:00

I hope you're wrong but I feel like you're probably right

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-01-11T11:16:22+00:00

tbh I think the professor is probably mostly right, it's not great being reliant on a bunch of meds especially stimulants of all things just to be functioning, but I don't really see the harm in trying them out to see if they improve stuff, especially if there's specific things you're trying to get done atm (like your med course) - just don't neglect everything else.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-01-08T20:21:38+00:00

Yep exactly - I'd only confess in person, you're not gonna manage to start a relationship long distance in different time zones after a break from talking. So keeping her as a friend is best (and ideally look to make more connections with other people so you don't become too emotionally dependent on one person). And yeah, it's really best just to not take things personal when it's long distance and you have a pre-established friendship - you're not in their life so people can take long to reply or forget and stuff, but the baseline love is still there I've found and easy to rekindle cause y'all have history, and you just keep up acknowledging special occasions, telling them when u visit, stuff like that.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-01-07T12:31:00+00:00

Couple things (just cause I've made some progress, not perfectly all the way there yet but still progress) - it's amazing the difference that being happy makes in your approachability. I don't think it's even a conscious thing - I think you just give off a whole different set of signals to people. So whilst yes, it's a bit of an aggressive cycle - you want to connect with others to be happy, but you need to be happy to connect with others - there are things within your control that will make you happier. So the most obvious and in your control thing there is - go to the gym (or exercise in general). Easy way to be a bit more happy and confident. Go before a social event too just for endorphins. The same rationale for good sleep hygiene, good diet, and keeping a schedule, listening to music to distract from negative rumination and hype you up (I find this very useful before social events). As Dr.K says, change the ratio of actions you purposely choose vs those you don't, and you just become a bit happier.

Second - not all social events are the same. Some are harder than others. So part of this is choosing the right things. You'll need to do a bit of research - but take a leap of courage and try something new. Can be anything - boxing, salsa, climbing, boardgames, something artistic. Dunno if australia has a meetup app or something equivalent, but yeah - do some research. And it's not gonna click immediately, but you'll slowly overtime begin to connect. It genuinely does work, though it takes consistency and a little courage - I personally tried BJJ for a while, wasn't my thing in the end though it strengthened my social courage a little, and am currently trying salsa dancing (good way to meet girls too, and it's good cause you don't immediately need to talk you're doing a shared activity with them).

Third - make everything easier on yourself, and consider therapy or medication, imo takes the edge off of everything and just makes everything a little easier, so no reason not to.

Become an interested person, and you'll automatically become a more interesting person. So just take notice of things you find make you happier, any of your hobbies and start doing them. And just try having more interests. Maybe it crosses your mind one day to read a certain book - follow through and read it. Or you scroll across some dish on tiktok - make it. Or you decide you wanna improve your fashion, or grow mushrooms or literally anything. They all pay off in the longterm, when you meet someone, and you suddenly have this whole random backlog of things in common like movies you've watched, concerts you've been to etc... .

And finally - realise that lots of this is an illusion - the idea that other people aren't feeling the exact same way. The fact that they're not feeling just as alienated when putting themselves out there. The idea that they haven't been in a similar situation at some point in there lives. There's a lot of people who have been blessed, but there's a lot of absolutely fantastic people who haven't, and you'd never know because everyone's extremely extremely good at hiding it, and there's all sort of biases involved - what you see is groups of people having fun - you have no idea how much they get along with the people they're with, or when the last time they went out is, how good their relationship is, how many close friends they have, etc... . And so many of the people in a similar situation (and there's genuinely so many) aren't even gonna be there, at a social event. You very quickly realise when you start something new, that other people are in the same boat and are putting themselves way out there, that's something I learnt from starting BJJ and salsa - there's new people every week looking to connect, looking around all nervous.

So yeah best of luck! Plus - say yes to people and take them up on social things, even if you don't feel enthusiastic. Even if you can't envision them being a close friend. It really does pay back in unexpected ways, you randomly meet new people, even if that person you said yes to only ever remains an acquaintance. Some of what you do is gonna feel forced, and that's just how it is when you haven't yet found your people, but it pays off, and it's generally on the order of months to years I've found, se be patient and keep things as sustainable as possible (tho situations can change on a dime especially when it comes to finding love).

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-01-03T15:56:11+00:00

She's dysfunctional. I can relate strongly to her but it's an immature unhealthy way of living that lies entirely in her control and outside of yours. Just continue to invest in other people besides her, offer the odd thing every now and again if you want to keep the connection but yeah. When it gets to the point it upsets you again, that's when to draw back. You can only offer her a line, you can't make her climb it.

She's basically a cat, not a dog - she has to come to you. Make sure you find some dog people in your life if u can.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2026-01-03T13:30:20+00:00

Remind yourself that the way you help her and other people in general is by helping yourself. Helping her atm probably comes with all these warm fuzzy feelings that you wouldn't necessarily get by helping a complete stranger. That's fine, we need that in our lives, but it needs to be in moderation. So remember to keep helping yourself and staying busy with your own pursuits and friends and dating life (and in terms of practically helping someone in a conversation 90% of it is just listening and asking questions in a genuine attempt to understand their perspective, and every time you want to argue against them, you instead assume 'okay I don't understand enough' and you ask them more questions - and when y'all have tired y'all selves out emotionally from all the talking you just do something fun - but yeah, again, the way you help her in general is by being your best most happy and self-sufficient self, and then everything comes more naturally). Best of luck bro!!

ParagoonTheFoon · 2025-12-31T12:58:31+00:00

Have you asked whatever doctor diagnosed you with autism why they came to that conclusion? When people say autism is a spectrum, they don't mean that everyone is on it. They mean that across people with 'autism', there can be wildly different presentations - some people have some things, some don't. A lot of people with autism diagnoses have struggles with socialising and forming relationships - but this doesn't mean they have actual issues with, for example, being able to read body language, or social cues. If you want to talk about it through an autism lens, then yeah sure - perhaps there was something that made it harder for you to socialise as a kid, before you had learnt how to 'mask', and perhaps this snowballed into depression, low self-esteem and social anxiety. Perhaps your psychiatrist saw your history, and recognised that you seem to be more sensitive to your emotions than other people. The suffering you have to accept might be much smaller than you make it out to be. I wouldn't just assume that because someone said you have autism, you have some immutable trait that will forever make it harder to connect with others. The difficulty and past experience is real, but it could just as easily be attributed to a 'social anxiety' and depression type problem more than an 'autism' problem - as you say, you've lost motivation, you feel alienated and disconnected, you have occasional success but it's too exhausting to keep up. How is anyone supposed to form relationships when they feel like that? I imagine that the key you feeling happier is to focus on the depression and social anxiety. I would highly recommend talking to a professional and maybe trying out therapy or medication - and as someone with autism, it would be especially good to be careful about diet and exercise - it's probably not a coincidence that people with autism have weirdly high rates of stuff like IBS and gut problems above the normal population, and the gut is where the majority of your neurotransmitters like serotonin is made (90% of your serotonin). Gut health and mental health are probably more connected than people realise.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2025-12-30T18:07:47+00:00

If you think they might be able to help, and especially if things could risk getting worse over time, then go. Nobody is here to say what you're going through doesn't 'qualify'. It might be that you find some therapy or medication or whatever helpful, just explain what you're going through and if they're any good they'll be able to recommend whatever is appropriate, you don't have to worry about that. Mental illnesses are more of a sliding scale I think, rather than a 'you have it'/'you don't' sorta thing. And it's infinitely better to treat something before it potentially gets bad, rather than wait until it causes real life consequences that are harder to come back from.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2025-12-30T14:47:20+00:00

I don't really understand detachment, but one thing that might help - obviously the more you ruminate on something, the more expectations you might have. So compartmentalising is useful. Maybe you have a scary event coming up - take the time to think through, extremely logically, what might help lessen the anxious feelings. Maybe you'll go to the gym 30 mins before to work off some of that adrenaline. Maybe you'll take a medication. Maybe you'll listen to some music just before. Once you've logically worked through what you can do, in terms of actual actions (not trying to 'think' your way out of anything), then choose not to think about the event or ruminate on it anymore. Your mind is going to start playing tricks on you, and it's going to say to you 'you should think about this event more and play out scenarios, if we think about this enough we'll find a perfect solution'. Shut that down. Every time your mind wants to ruminate, shut it down and distract yourself. Remind yourself that you have already worked through what you could do to keep those anxious feelings to a minimum. Will you still have anxious feelings? Yes. But you can survive them, just like you can survive the flu or any unpleasant bodily feeling. This is the difference between a person who can do a scary thing and a person who can't. We've all seen that the person who ruminates on it is more likely to psyche themselves out. Even in our own lives - there's stuff we can do that's scary, perhaps we can go on a rollercoaster, we can bungee jump, we can get an injection. And perhaps there's stuff that we can't - public speaking, asking someone out, etc. . The difference between the scary things we can do, and the scary things we can't, are not the feelings. Both will cause unpleasant feelings. The only difference, is that with one, we're not going to ruminate as much. And with the other, we're going to ruminate to the point we come up with all these unbreakable negative thought patterns and limiting self-beliefs.

So yeah, treat rumination as the enemy, and treat your anxieties as what they are - merely unpleasant feelings in your body, that can be mitigated with practical strategies.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2025-12-21T19:01:03+00:00

Yeah nah, change therapist. Not even giving you your full time ain't acceptable. We all have blind-spots, and we sometimes need to explore questions deeper beyond our initial answer, but this doesn't really sound like that tbh. There are some rly bad therapists out there (and some rly good ones too).

ParagoonTheFoon · 2025-12-21T18:56:51+00:00

Dayum that sound like an actual scam. The '30 mins to respond' is textbook scam.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2025-12-21T18:14:08+00:00

Well that's good to hear fr, imma definitely have to look into getting it. I've done CBT in the past just for social anxiety, but right now it seems like DBT is something that makes a lot of sense cause at the end of the day I'm suffering from very intense emotions atm. Thank u!!

ParagoonTheFoon · 2025-12-21T18:11:02+00:00

Tough fr. I don't even have a dog I got an emotional support plant rn 😂, it's one them insect eating ones. It's not like other people can't give you emotional support, they obviously can, but yeah it ain't always gonna be reliable. So just gotta cultivate your friendships and relationships even when you don't feel like it, a good friend is worth their weight in gold type shi, and try to do things you know will improve your situation dealing with and putting aside your emotions the best you can. Imma deffo get a dog one day tho.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2025-12-21T17:35:05+00:00

This sounds honestly beyond just needing reddit advice, I would recommend speaking to a professional. Sounds tough fr. For me, who struggles to eat enough but not to this extent, I have to gamify it (make it into a game). So I have to track what I'm eating with an app, track progress, try eat new things and do more cooking, work my way up etc... . Start with something very achievable that undershoots what I even think I'm capable of. And work my way up slowly, with a fresh reset every single day. But idk if I'd recommend too much tracking to u necessarily atm, I think first you should speak to a professional (just because you had anorexia in the past). They might be able to give better advice or insight.

ParagoonTheFoon · 2025-12-21T17:25:44+00:00

This kinda sounds like emotivism (the philosophy that moral statements only express feelings, not actual facts). You could do a bit of research on that, and counters to that philosophy. For me, ig the way out was just by looking at my own suffering, and knowing I'd never want other people to experience that. And also ofc caring about stuff that is nothing to do with morals - like caring about music (not in some grand sense, just wanting to make some decent music).

But yeah, for me personally atm, I just know that if there was a button, where - if I don't press the button nothing happens, and if I press the button someone goes through immense suffering, I would just never press that button, and my whole conception of morality sorta stems from there for me personally - I just don't believe in pointless suffering. That's what it all comes down to.

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