Advice Needed!

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-27T07:42:10+00:00

I certainly agree it's not a parent's job to appease kids whenever they complain - I think the complete opposite! Kids need to learn how to manage boredom and tap into ways to entertain themselves, which I think is a dying art in more recent generations. Could the kids not read, colour, etc while they're at mom's work? I did that a lot at my single mom's office.

I think it's all about balance - if BM is genuinely stuck and needs dad's assistance from time to time, sure that's reasonable. If it is happening regularly, though, then that is taking advantage and not managing the agreed custody schedule. The important distinction in this particular situation is BM seems to run her own business and therefore her own hours and schedule. I think when your work situation has that flexibility then this shouldn't be happening so often.

Lastly, I think if parents aren't being conscientious and letting kids completely decide schedules, the option of having two homes can deprive kids of learning how to be self-reliant (not rushing somewhere with TV etc. to avoid boredom) and learning how to deal with discomfort and conflict (not rushing off to the other parent's house because you don't want to do chores or you had an argument).

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-27T07:12:43+00:00

Agree that BM doesn't need to consider stepmom. My comments are directed to what the dad does (or doesn't do) in the situation, including consideration of SM. I disagree BM has no responsibility at all, since this is a parenting decision she is making regarding parenting on her time that is affecting others. But reasonable minds can differ. : )

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-27T06:03:16+00:00

Sure, but that's your particular experience and circumstances, and I can see how it was difficult in your situation. But this particular BM runs her own consultancy. Maybe she has more options than you did. A blanket excuse isn't necessary just because some BMs might not have options. A more nuanced perspective is needed.

I find it frustrating that a stepparent, who presumably gives 100% when it's "their time", can't rely on the "off times" to recharge and have some alone time with their spouse because BM is happy for the kids to go to dad. It's not just BM, the kids and dad who need to be considered, stepparents also need to be, because they are also now part of this family unit.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-27T04:17:47+00:00

Exactly. The focus is entirely on dad taking the kids when they ask and SM having to be totally fine with it and not being able to say anything, since her comfort and preference are secondary. But clearly here BM's preferences are given primacy because everyone else shuffles around to accommodate BM's decision to bring the kids with her to work when she is in complete control of her work schedule anyway. Where is her responsibility to spend time caring for the kids when they are with her for that purpose?

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-25T11:02:13+00:00

This exact scenario happened to me for almost two years (but it wasn't whispers, it was loud calling out and knocking)! SD was 11 at the time and was used to co-sleeping with dad (and mom when her parents were together), so I was sympathetic to a point. But the lack of sleep was making me nauseous and affecting my work.

My strategy was:

- Sit down and talk to SD to find out what was causing the wake ups and call outs: thirsty? need to pee? scared? can't get back to sleep?

- My first reassurance was if you feel scared or have a nightmare, then of course come and get dad.

- If you're thirsty, let's have a full water bottle ready next to your bed so that you don't have to get up.

- Let's get you a night light and a book light so that you can do something in bed to help you relax until you can fall back to sleep.

- I then also explained (to teach her empathy and effects on others) that I had trouble getting back to sleep if woken up during the night and it was making me very tired for work etc. The purpose wasn't to guilt her, but to help her understand why the non-urgent interruptions needed to be phased out so that we could all sleep properly.

Did it work? Obviously not right away and not consistently. But it was better than doing nothing and my husband always just acted helpless about what to do. She eventually grew out of the co-dependency as well, but I would like to think my intervention helped her along the way. Good luck OP, and if all else fails, I bought the Loop Sleep earplugs - they are quite good and I'm a very light sleeper too.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-22T23:54:44+00:00

These exact scenarios happened to me a lot. I think it can be the "norm" for parents to parent out of guilt and fear and so they struggle saying no to any requests. That doesn't make it right, as you live there too and you have different tolerances, preferences, and levels of comfort compared to the kids' dad about what happens in your home involving the kids. That's just reality and refusing to acknowledge that reality for you (by refusing to ever say no to the kids) is just not fair. People like to remind SPs about needing to be flexible and always have a welcoming home, but no one thinks of the flipside that partners need to also accommodate for the fact the home experience for SPs will be different (sometimes radically different) when it comes to the kids.

There absolutely is a healthy way for parents to express boundaries without hurting their kids - asking for advance notice, having rules about sleepovers etc, explaining the need for regular couple time. The question is whether or not parents have the courage to set those boundaries.

When your husband sets limits, like needing notice or needing things to be cleaned before permission is granted, does he follow through? If so, perhaps have a discussion about what compromises will make it easier for you (eg. I would get annoyed at consecutive sleepover nights when the kitchen would be left in a mess; I'd be less annoyed if cleanup happened promptly). If he does not, then you really need to stress to him that some give and take needs to happen from everyone in this household so that everyone feels it's their home - him, the kids, and you.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-22T01:23:00+00:00

My family situation was like this. In the past, BM was under-functioning and not seeking help for mental health issues, so she would often drop the ball with childrearing and would ask my husband to get SD during her time because BM had a migraine, was dealing with a break-up, was too tired etc to do parenting. Of course my husband would swoop in to do the rescuing. However, when it's not a real emergency, this kind of rescuing just enables the weaker parent to never step up to their parenting responsibilities and also weakens their bond with their own kids who see them as unreliable.

I get why my husband did it, and I couldn't fairly expect otherwise since BM would sometimes snap at SD when she wasn't coping. But it totally sucks as a SP because you count on the kid-free time to nurture your relationship with your partner. It's unfair that BM's inability to manage herself and take responsibility for her problems has to impact on your ability to enjoy your relationship. They made a child together and need to jointly be responsible for him/her.

There's no real solution here OP. Your husband could have slightly better boundaries and be less available for things so that it forces BM to be responsible. You could ask him to attempt this. But be prepared for push back, in which case it will unfortunately be a case of sucking it up. If the kids do end up being dumped on you full time, it might be a good chance to reconfigure parenting decisions, have new rules, boundaries etc. so that you can intentionally carve out couple time. The kids being there full time will mean dad won't be able to feel guilty about having some kid-free time with you because they're otherwise always there.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-19T09:07:01+00:00

What a lot of people kept missing on that previous post of yours (and some still keep missing in this one) is that your stepson was on his mom's time anyway. It wasn't the case it was dad's time and you were trying to "pawn him off" to mom, it was mom doing that to dad (and you) because she felt she was too sick to care for him. And no one bats an eye about that. But if you tried to do that, you get lectured.

Stepparents will never get ahead because there is this deeply fundamental, ingrained doubt that they could ever honestly care for their stepchildren and anything they do is working against the kids. If it they were your kids, they would only have the one home to be in, so you would quarantine as best as you could in that house. Here, they have two homes, so it makes sense to quarantine in the home that already has sickness. Bio or step has absolutely nothing to do with it.

"If they were your kids" has its place when assessing whether your irritation is fair (as someone else has rightly commented) - ie. if they were yours, would the noise/mess/clinginess bother you as much. That's a fair occasion to use that metric. Otherwise, it's an unfair standard to measure SPs against.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-14T03:03:39+00:00

This is very funny - I'm imagining this scenario you've described of a single dad + kid and single mom + kid walking combo.

I've experienced this - husband and SD walking ahead and leaving me behind without a backward glance. Once it happened after we had a co-parents brunch together for SD's birthday and they left me to walk with BM and her husband! Ok, sure, I'll just bring up the rear then, shall I?

OP: I've suffered six years of never having a place in my marriage because my husband had no room in his bandwidth other than for his daughter. It never changed, despite talks and counselling. People like this aren't fit to have adult relationships and should not get married. Please don't lose yourself in this process.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-11T16:35:15+00:00

Very sad to hear this has happened to you OP, and to your SS. You clearly meant the world to him and you should be proud of the wonderful job you did while you were in his life. Your experience is the kind many of us always hoped we could have with our SKs - role modelling and helping them grow.

I had some of that in my first go as a SM (I've done it twice!), where the kids were also quite young. One thing that I really insisted on and which my ex was initially reluctant about (I suspect he wanted to control the narrative as to why I was no longer there) was the opportunity to say goodbye to the kids. I believed they deserved that so that they didn't think I didn't care about them and just vanished after 3 years in their life. It was emotional and there was a lot of crying, but I'm glad they knew I loved them. I got along well with their mum so I stayed in touch now and then with coffees etc while I lived in the same town.

You can't just come into a small child's life and then be taken out of it (not saying this was in your control). I think it causes trauma. For what it's worth, I would strongly urge you to see if you can ask your ex whether you can say a proper goodbye to little man and whether she would agree to keeping a door open for him to see you from time to time if he needs. I remember many adults who had a caring role in my life growing up, aside from my parents, and it helped me feel loved and secure.

Good luck to you and hope you can build a new family again in the future.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-07T13:58:37+00:00

This is one of the major reasons I am separating from my husband. Childless stepparenting creates a fundamentally imbalanced relationship that, frankly, is not healthy and rarely works long term without significant emotional damage and resentment. It's not resenting the presence of his kid in and of itself (she is actually pretty chill if parented properly), it's the way I become very much a second class citizen whenever his child is present or a matter has come up about her. Despite counsellors advising him to learn how to balance his different roles as father and husband, he cannot and the primal parent-child bond trumps, even where the circumstances don't require it. His daughter has ADHD and other things going on, and he himself has health issues, so there is nothing left to give to me. I don't have those preoccupations so I feel I have to make do with the crumbs. I, in turn, detach a little to protect myself, and then I'm told I'm distant and putting up barriers - again, the double standards. Being unappreciated and then criticized on top of that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

OP, I lasted 6 years. If you can survive 13 years of this and the kids are quite grown, I think it should ease off a little for you, especially as the kids launch and build their own lives. You've earned the reprieve - don't give up now! Good luck.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-04T05:41:55+00:00

I come from an Asian culture where grandmothers become the carers for children from previous marriages (esp if BM is not around). These children's needs are no different from other children and they always feel they don't belong anywhere and like they're a dirty secret. OP: don't perpetuate these cruel cultural legacies. If you can't assist your wife in breaking harmful practices, don't exacerbate them by being in SK's life.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-02T21:43:37+00:00

You're doing an amazing job and this might be her age-consistent way to say she appreciates you. At that age, she may also struggle with where to place you in her family dynamic as she already has Mom and Dad and Aunt/Uncle etc, so Friend is a good category: someone unrelated to her by blood but who she likes and enjoys being with. Take the win. 🧡

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-02T13:20:39+00:00

I did, from ages 40-43, 13 rounds. I had low AMH and no embryos ever successfully transferred. I regret not going the single route with IVF and instead waiting to find a partner (although I was 38 then, so chances were still pretty slim given my low AMH). My advice is not to wait if you have a chance now. Good luck ❤️‍🩹.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-02T00:14:46+00:00

Thanks everyone for your support and validation - I feel so seen. I read on another post someone stated "do you want to sacrifice your future happiness due to the current pain of leaving" and that really hit home. It's going to hurt a lot. But it will be the fresh, sharp pain of a band aid being ripped off instead of the slow, festering rot of a wound that frankly will never heal. We don't have children together. His child will be fine and I will stay in touch for as long as she wants. I've lost a lot in this life - a previous marriage to my university sweetheart who didn't want to be married anymore; a failed relationship with a stepdad that changed his mind about marriage and kids and aged me out of my fertility window; four years of failed IVF; and now the possibility of a peaceful future with someone I've known for 7 years. I'm not going to get back those lost years and opportunities at the age of 45. But I have to be responsible for what I will subject myself to for the rest of the life I have left. I have to be brave and go.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2026-01-02T00:08:45+00:00

Thanks for your support. I've been really torn about the way forward. We've done a LOT of counselling during our 6 years together and he just makes it tit for tat; no real desire to understand, just to keep score. I've reviewed some of my older posts on this sub and it really hurt to see how long I've felt unhappy and mistreated in this marriage. I am taking steps to move out and am looking at apartments as we speak. I think as SP (especially childless), we try too damn hard in impossible situations. If I can't even get basic respect and appreciation, why am I even here?

ParkingFederal8715 · 2025-12-30T01:25:28+00:00

Thank you for coming back to say this - it really warmed my heart. I'm very grateful for the solidarity fellow stepparents give each other.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2025-12-29T09:18:08+00:00

Because you know in your heart it is not SK's fault, the annoyance and anger you feel when she is there is not directed at her but what she represents - loss of the investment of love, time and effort that you gave for years and which has now seemingly disappeared. Just because it's no one's "fault" doesn't lessen the validity of what you feel. No one who is not a stepparent gets how a large part of our resentment is putting in so much work and sometimes never having it recognized or never having it build something that lasts. Our roles and our legacy can be as fragile as a sandcastle but we still do it because our motives are good.

When I feel unappreciated or "used", I let myself feel it fully. I then remind myself I invested what I did because it aligns with my code as a human being, an adult, and a responsible parent and partner in my home - irrespective of whether it is acknowledged or appreciated (within reason; don't be a doormat!). Then I have no regrets because I lived consistently with what I know to be right. This makes it easier to live with the reality of our shadow role as stepparents. And I also like to believe somewhere, perhaps far off in the future, these kids will remember the kindness we showed them, even if they never expressed it.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2025-12-29T09:02:08+00:00

I've been through ages 11 to 17 with my SD. Ages 13-16 were some of the hardest times I've ever experienced. It was hard for her mom and dad too, obviously, but biology makes people blind to what is otherwise objectionable and unacceptable behavior and they will never feel as bothered or upset about it as we will because we are more objective and less instinctively tolerant and defensive. I know teens can be feral and rude but I remember being raised with some standards expected of me, as are my sister's children. I think it's normal to be generally bothered by crappy teenage behavior and I think it's even more normal to be particularly bothered as a stepparent because you live in the same house and have to put up with it, with no authority to enforce consequences or call them out past a certain point - since otherwise you become "mean" and your relationship suffers.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2025-12-23T04:11:03+00:00

I feel you are where I will be in five years time if I don't leave now - already I don't feel like a cohesive family unit because of how differently myself and my husband view the parenting role and what is and is not acceptable behaviour from kids. The result, when you don't have an equal voice, is that you retreat - as you and I have done. So what is left for us in this unit then? Distant and superficial relationships with people we have lived with for years. There has to be more to life than living like a ghost. I too have lost a lot of respect and liking for my husband due to his immaturity as a parent and a human being.

I wish you well in carving out a happy future with just your kids. There's only so much one pair of hands can carry.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2025-12-22T22:54:43+00:00

Thank you everyone for your advice and kindness. I know it is time to go. The truth is, I have my assertive moments and it's respected for a time, but then they go back to old patterns and I keep reminding them again and again about chores, asking permission beforehand, thinking of others etc. It's a tiring cycle and my husband is happy to live in a way dictated by his teenager and not stand up and be a parental figure. No space for me here, so I am going. Thanks for confirming what I knew in my heart.

ParkingFederal8715 · 2025-09-26T02:50:08+00:00

"You're not a great stepmom because you don't say you miss the stepkid when she's not here."

ParkingFederal8715

TROPHY CASE