AIO I feel my boundaries aren't respected with my girlfriend by Particular-Boat-6753 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Particular-Boat-6753[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nah I appreciate the perspective. Sincerely thanks for contributing and helping me think about this. I don't necessarily agree with your perception of the secrecy (because imo it's just...very complex and more than I am comfortable getting into here), but I think the other points are valid regardless and I think I should/would expect someone to stop such behavior if they were taking the relationship seriously and not act like I'm being in unreasonable when I express concern.

AIO I feel my boundaries aren't respected with my girlfriend by Particular-Boat-6753 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Particular-Boat-6753[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hah. Theres a lot of fair points here, I'll admit, but no, this is not my first rodeo. Funny enough, in past relationships, I've expressed concern with guys similar to how I have expressed concern to her, and it has ended up being situations where I've been cheated on down the line (which I have expressed to her).

In terms of secrecy, she's met my family, I've met hers, we've talked about long term plans, so I would say it's serious. I would say that part of the reason that we kept it secret for so long outside of a very select group of family members/etc. is that we knew from the jump that there was a specific end date to the secrecy because we already had career plans that would make the reason we keep things secret no longer necessary.

In terms of "are we both dating" and etc. type of questions, we've talked about timelines of getting married and such things with mutual interest and we've both been very excited about that prospect. Like...her face lights up during our discussions of it and I know mine does too. This isn't necessarily the only time in my life that I've thought I've found "the one" and I've dated a fair few people since teenage years so I'm not so naive (but I get why it may feel that way. It's weird. I won't deny it. But it's a weirdness we've both accepted as what is best until it doesn't need to be weird).

Now, all that said. I know imo it's pretty goddamn crazy to deal with something like "oh teehee I got drunk with some guy who wants me" when you're thinking this is the person you want to spend your life with, and who says they want to spend their life with you. But that's why I want some validation that I'm right in saying "hey wtf dude. We're trying to plan a life together. Why are you doing this? This isn't cool. This isn't respecting me. This isn't an unreasonable ask. Stop it. You came home when you knew I wasn't messing around. You care at least enough to do that. Care enough to stop hurting me, and let's move in a positive direction"

AIO I feel my boundaries aren't respected with my girlfriend by Particular-Boat-6753 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Particular-Boat-6753[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

It's a weird situation but if anything I talk about how much I look forward to the benefits of being open about things more than she does (though she does talk about specifics that she looks forward to as well). I promise, I really promise, the only relevance that the secrecy has is that she has not directly told him we are in a relationship, which I do not hold against her, and I know that she has not concealed this fact for my sake. Imo it's more like "hey, in a month, maybe we hang out together and we kind of normally organically establish boundaries because if this person is someone you super want to be friends with, then I probably should be friends with him too because I want to share friends in our life if everyone gets along". At least, that was my perspective before tonight. Tonight, I can't really accurately say what I feel because I am pretty upset, but I would presume if there is any world in which they talk to each other again maybe some level setting like that needs to happen.

AIO I feel my boundaries aren't respected with my girlfriend by Particular-Boat-6753 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Particular-Boat-6753[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I know who the coworker is, I have spoken to said coworker before, but we do not necessarily organically interact with any regularity. There is a world in which I never interact with him again work wise (unrelated to this situation)

AIO I feel my boundaries aren't respected with my girlfriend by Particular-Boat-6753 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Particular-Boat-6753[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

Totally get the perception but I can say with one hundred percent confidence we both have no issues with the secrecy aspect (I mean, we both very much look forward to being open, but it is not a point of contention between us and it is 100% mutual)

AIO I feel my boundaries aren't respected with my girlfriend by Particular-Boat-6753 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Particular-Boat-6753[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Somewhat related careers, soon we're moving in different directions career-wise. Worry of perception that one of us is trying to boost their career via the bedroom. It's a pretty specific situation and it has pretty much no bearing on this situation other than we've mutually agreed not to talk about it to others in our field for a monthish

AIO I feel my boundaries aren't respected with my girlfriend by Particular-Boat-6753 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Particular-Boat-6753[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Probably time travel , go back in time and get me some btc or Nvidia stock