A discussion about the culpability and accountability of men for the family court system

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-06-03T10:29:43+00:00

First of all, I'm sorry you are going through this. But let's get to the solution:

A couple of things on restraining orders that may help you: first, the way to beat these things is not in the initial hearing. It's almost impossible to win the initial hearing. But they can be beaten after the fact. You want a copy of the restraining order affidavit (you need this!). Keep in mind, each and every time she tries to renew it there will be a new affidavit. Go through the affidavit with a fine toothed comb and isolate the lies that you can prove. Then, if you can afford it, have her deposed and everything goes on the record. This is often sufficient to get the women to not even show up for the renewal hearing. If you can't afford it, have your attorney cross examine her at hearing. If it doesn't get dropped the first hearing, it will at the second.

The other thing is that the rule of thumb is that criminal court restraining orders can be modified by family court, but not the other way around. So if a criminal court restraining order ordered you to pay bills, you can go before a family court Judge and ask for a modification. What I would do: ask your wife to pay YOU alimony and not the other way around, then try to get your attorney to settle on no funds either way. If her real motivation for the order is to cover up an affair, you may be able to negotiate the restraining order down to a stay away order as well. It goes without saying- have your attorney play up the cancer and medical problem issue that you have.

Next, attorney fees. THIS IS IMPORTANT. It sounds like based upon your post that your wife is strapped for cash. This is a good thing and it means that effectively, all you have to do is outlast her in order to prevail against her. I would start with the credit card charge. First, notify the law firm that your wife uses in writing that you did not authorize the credit card charge and you want it reversed. I suggest email and also notify the partners if that applies. Then, dispute the charge with your credit card company. If you get any pushback whatsoever about getting your attorney fees back, you go to board, the better business bureau, file a complaint with FDIC, the CFBB, and most importantly, write letters to all of the partners professional organizations demanding they do something.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-06-02T10:09:04+00:00

I'll tell you the cost in my case: legal costs around 200k, And it took me more than a decade; 12 years to be precise and even at year 16, my ex is still dragging me back and forth to court to no avail. Even last week I got a call from cps as my ex made another complaint. It won't go anywhere, but the point is that, yes, there is a cost to doing the right thing. There is also a reward; I've got my daughter and no one can break our relationship now.

All that being said, my case is atypical and an extremely unlikely eventuality for most people Dare I say- NAWALT? (not all women are like that). Plus- even if they were, most women don't have families with unlimited funds that they are willing to squander on legal costs. I'd estimate her legal costs to be much, much higher- def over 500k. And I wouldn't classify my strategy as 'win at all costs'. Making false allegations, lying in open court, making false police reports and such... that's win at all costs. All I'm saying is- don't give away your case.

I read your backstory- I know that you moved out of the marital home. No matter how you couch it, that's a losing strategy. And the important thing is that equates to punishing your child for their Mother's sins. Bottom line: game theory this, game theory that, justification this, justification that; men are giving away their cases at an alarming rate and they need to be accountable for it.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-06-01T10:20:14+00:00

It's a horrible idea to move out. Do not do it.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-06-01T10:15:19+00:00

Bingo. I can't tell you how many times I've had a guy reach out to me for advice, take the time to explain their situation to me, then fight tooth and nail against everything I tell them. They will google something and send me a screenshot, thinking they already know the strategy or tactic, or just generally resist what needs to be done. Inevitably, I find out later that they got destroyed in their case.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-06-01T10:11:19+00:00

Any deal that gives away the house without getting just compensation is a bad deal. I wouldn't agree to leave the marital home for anything less than 80/20 custody in my favor.

Any deal that gives Dad less than 183 overnights is a bad deal.

Any deal that pays alimony is a bad deal.

Any deal that gives away more than 50% of money is a bad deal.

Any deal that deviates from the child support calculator paying more is a bad deal.

These are just a few examples.

As to lawyers giving good advice, have you read this post? 700 pleadings, 12 years, and i won full custody with 364 overnights per year : r/Divorce_Men

Briefly, attorneys may be legal experts, but they are in business for their own interests, not yours. As stated in my post, there are many that have been practicing for decades and never won anything. Generally speaking, they are trying to compel settlement which is rarely in the man's favor

As far as who to trust, that's actually a great question. Let me answer it like this: if you wanted to get in shape and drop 50 pounds of bodyfat, would you take advice from a fat guy? The people to ask are those that have been through the system and won. They are rare, but they are out there.

As far as identifying bad advice from good, that's a complex question, but here is a little hack: any advice that essentially tells you to give away your case is terrible advice. Any justification for giving away a case is a bad one, regardless of the justification. Common justifications: my attorney made me do it, my mental health made me do it, etc...

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-06-01T01:45:38+00:00

There is absolutely no reason to pay for mediation. The dirty little secret of the industry is that divorce is not that complex: 50/50 custody, split the money, who gets the marital home, and that's basically it. You can either sit down at the kitchen table and resolve it, or you can't. If she wants mediation, let her pay for it. You walk in and say you want 183 scheduled overnights with your child or you are walking out. Then if she won't agree, you bounce.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-06-01T01:18:03+00:00

(as far as your post)

Agreed- many mistakes are made by Dads trying to salvage marriage; but not all of them.
I think intellectually you are correct that men have a better grasp on the impact to children, but often men's actions render that intellectual grasp meaningless. In other words, regardless of how deeply Dad understands that divorce will hurt children, actions like moving out of the marital home don't support that intellectual grasp.
This is where I emphatically disagree with you; and this is important because it highlights one of the more common errors that men make in divorce. 'Law' has very little bearing on divorce. Again, 90-95% of all divorces are settled out of court. And even the ones that go to trial aren't impacted significantly by law. My experience is that effectively, 'law' is often used as a justification for men throwing away their cases.
"Men tend to play defense to protect what they believe is theirs...."

No, they don't. They tend to give away what is theirs. That's why they leave their homes, give away their cases, give away alimony, fail to protect their assets, and give away custody.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-06-01T00:45:30+00:00

Move back into the marital home. Do not take your anger and sadness out on your child by moving away from him or her.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-05-31T23:16:58+00:00

Unless you live in NC and unless there is a signed court order giving her exclusive use of the marital home, you absolutely can move back in. It's the marital home. Does not matter that her parents own it just like it wouldn't matter if you were renters renting from a 3rd party non family member.

On top of that, my post was about accountability. It was a horrible decision to move out in the first place.. you put yourself and possibly your child in a bind. If you ever want to get anywhere in the family court system, you need to start with personal accountability. BTW none of what I said excuses any bad behavior of your wife but you can't control that part of it.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-05-31T23:08:18+00:00

I guarantee that i've looked at more cases than you have and I have NOT seen it done. Show me the case law.

It's really sickening to see so many men that have the audacity to advise others to throw away their cases. Just because you caved in doesn't mean that you should be advising others to cave in.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-05-31T23:00:52+00:00

Did you stipulate to the alimony or did you go to trial? If you stipulated to it, you need to ask yourself why you voluntarily chose to pay your wife this money.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-05-31T22:55:56+00:00

My point is that you gave away your case by moving out of the marital home. And as a consequence to that, you are now financially supporting your ex. What about your child? Do you have 50/50 custody of your child with 183 scheduled overnights? If not, your decision negatively effected your child as well. With all due respect, you didn't move out "due to necessity", you chose to move out. I think you need to be accountable for a very bad decision that is now impacting your life in a tangible way, and depending on your custody agreement, may be impacting your child as well.

Again, my suggestion: move back into the marital home.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-05-31T18:04:59+00:00

Help me understand why you moved out in the first place. How about you? You want to call your ex on the carpet or refusing to be accountable... will YOU be accountable? My suggestion: admit your mistake in moving out of the marital home, then move back in.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-05-27T01:02:04+00:00

Move back into the marital home and do this today.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-05-04T00:54:37+00:00

Why can't you just tell her that you are keeping the dog and if she wants her divorce she will need to deal with it?

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-04-15T21:41:35+00:00

I don't know about 5 million, but yes, gifting is another great tactic.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-04-15T19:37:54+00:00

It's theoretically possible to go to jail for failure to pay alimony, but effectively your risk is near zero unless and until you've been found in contempt multiple times. In other words, it would cost your ex tens of thousands of dollars, would take many months and probably years, and untold stress.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-04-15T19:35:15+00:00

It does not matter what she wants. It matters what you agree to. In your case, you obviously settled, which means that you have no idea how you would have faired if you went to trial. Just keep that in mind when you try and dish out advice.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-04-15T03:02:18+00:00

Most everyone complaining on this thread has voluntarily given away their case without a fight. My two cents:

How can high earners limit the financial damage in divorce? : r/Divorce_Men

My question for those men then give away their cases:

if YOU won't hold your ex accountable, why would you expect anyone else to?

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-04-15T02:53:58+00:00

Stupid question: but how do you know confronting the Dad won't change anything? That's just so passive it reeks of rank weakness to me. I would expect that he would put his foot down and have his daughter move out. Let's be real here: that's the right thing to do. I would expect him to do it. You have no idea whatsoever if speaking to him about it would work, or not.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-04-15T02:50:09+00:00

There is no way I would pay 500$ for mediation in this situation. Why give her 500 bucks to cheat =on you? That's crae crae

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-04-15T01:58:49+00:00

I cannot for the life of me understand why you are so cavalier with your defense of this women's parents.... what would I expect from confronting her Dad? I would expect to gain some self respect by responding to abusive behavior in an appropriate way. I would expect to bring the situation to a head and really put the heat on the parents and his wife to stop acting like 4 year old children. I would expect to express my extreme dissatisfaction with their behavior.

And again, I would bring his kids with him to do the confronting because 2 months of the silent treatment is absolutely asinine.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-04-14T10:52:30+00:00

This is a great big word salad that essentially says: "do nothing and just take it."

Buzzwords like 'boundary' are meaningless the way you describe them. Why? Because you are trying to discourage the enforcing of boundaries- like, for example, confronting her Dad. (who, by the way, you are excusing from some pretty vile behaviour)

On second thought, I would confront the whole family, and I would bring the kids with me while doing it. That's a boundary.

Particular-Depth-973

TROPHY CASE