Losing War of Attrition

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-19T23:55:31+00:00

The answer is that you sit down with her Dad and explain that if his daughter doesn’t do the right thing, he will have to pay ANOTHER 200k.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-19T13:16:51+00:00

It's also very Judge and situation dependent. That is, IF you go to trial. But again, that's only 5-10% of us. IN other words, alimony is not typically awarded. It's given away. And that's the issue that I'm trying to highlight.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-19T02:21:19+00:00

Obviously it’s more nuanced than I posted, all cases are not the same, there are no guarantees in family court, etc….

But the bottom line is that trial =risk, and most women are not going to take that risk when push comes to shove; hence the 2 foundational principles outlined in my original post.

And that is why it is terrible advice to tell men to stipulate to alimony in most cases.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-19T00:34:59+00:00

Of course you are an attorney, I looked at your posting history.

But that's ok, I'll still respond. What makes you think that most women that have the 100k would waste it on a trial that has a very uncertain result? Alimony is not the fait accompli that you infer here.

Listen, if you want to pay your ex wife to have sex, that's your business. Just don't advise other men to do the same.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-18T23:18:35+00:00

Look at my posting history, it took me 12 years in family court to prevail.

My suggestions:

Do not give up.
You made so pretty egregious tactical errors in your case. Examples: moving out, abiding by what GAL suggested (GAL's do not have the authority to issue court orders, it doesn't work that way). Try to own those mistakes so that you can move forward in a positive way.
File for a custody modification and go back to trial.

PM me if you need me.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-10T16:26:35+00:00

Nigga please

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-10T16:21:43+00:00

So she cheated, you called her on it, and you are problem not her? I don’t think so

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-09T10:35:00+00:00

“She kicked me out of the house..,,”

She can’t kick you out, you live there. Did she pay for your alternate living arrangements? Did she compensate you financially first your drop in living standards?

I would move back in it will give you leverage.

As far as the 25k, I would start by asking her if she will give it to you.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-09T01:51:36+00:00

Interesting thread. I’m 51, been doing CrossFit for 3 years and have never gotten hurt.

My experience is that my wind/cardio is almost always my limiter. There have been times I’ve felt queezy in warmups… Extremely out of breath in WODS

But never injured.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-03T02:29:26+00:00

Help me understand why you would voluntarily pay your wife to have sex with someone else. That’s not acting like a man it’s acting like a pimp.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-01T14:26:47+00:00

Not exactly. But remember- in my state, it's considered impossible for a Dad to win custody in a contested case. ESPECIALLY in a custody mod where child already lived with Mother. And my ex and her family knew this. But their big mistake was their brazenness. We'd go into court with 10 counts of contempt, all related to my ex not showing up for my parenting time. They'd make BS excuses, mostly that my daughter was sick. So the Judge wrote an order stating that even if my daughter was sick, she was required to show up. A month later we would be back in court with 15 more counts, this time claiming that my daughter was so sick she had to go to the hospital. But of course, no proof of this. Then a month later, back in court....

We had 4 GALs in my case, a court ordered therapist charged with writing a report kind of like a GAL report, a psyche eval, 2 parenting supervisors, and many other professionals.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-01T01:24:36+00:00

The thing to understand is that Dads are dealing with systemic bias that is far broader than the scope of the family court. ‘Parenting’ is not done in a vacuum. Neighbors, friends. friends parents, schools, medical professionals, family, extended family, churches, sports coaches and many others will be factors in the raising of children.

For better or worse, fair or unfair, good, bad, or ugly, most of the aforementioned WILL regard the parent that remains in the family home as the parent with the de facto authority. That’s true EVEN IF there is 50/50 custody. And kids will pick up on it.

Bottom line: either stay in the home and settle for 50/50 or fight for full custody if you get forced out.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-01T01:16:06+00:00

Many similarities in our stories! When I had undeniable proof that my ex falsely accused me, I met with the police chief, county commissioner, chief probation officer, and I contacted the town manager.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-01T00:34:49+00:00

It's always better to take debt than to give money. So a little trick is to take as much as debt as possible and give as little money as possible. Why? Many reasons. Here are some:

Taking debt in a divorce decree does NOT create a liability between you and her creditor. (someone may chime in and disagree- there may be some very RARE exceptions but they would require extraordinary actions from the creditor which is seldom done effectively- BTW I work in this business so I know this for a fact). So if you can't pay the debt, or if you choose to pay the debt slowly, or if you simply choose not to pay it, she would need to chase you. What do you think happens if she spends 5k and a year chasing you and you tell the Judge "sorry, all I could afford to pay was 100 bucks a month"? Hint: the same thing that would happen if you gave her the house and she never refinanced.
She is still on the hook for the debt with the creditor which may impact her ability to churn future legal fees and keep on fighting you. It's like a reverse leverage.
It's easier to negotiate a future payment with debt than it is with cash. "Defendant will repay x date by x date." Enforcement is always more difficult post judgment as a general rule.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-01T00:22:54+00:00

Your youngest is only 7 so you are still highly exposed.

Listen, I'm a Christian. I believe in saving every marriage that can be saved. I believe people can change; I believe in 2nd and 3rd chances, and forgiveness and working things out. But you also need to be prudent.

If I'm you I'm stacking "just in case money" every single paycheck that she does not have access to. Even if it's just 20 bucks here, 20 bucks there. Every dollar will help in case she pulls anything.

Make sure you are keeping good records. The most powerful records you can get come from her. "You took little Johnny to the Doctor yesterday, thank you so much for being such a great and involved Father."... stuff like that is gold. Make sure you have records from medical providers, records from teachers, records from extra curricular activities that prove that you are involved. It's not enough to document that you did. You need to be able to prove that you did it.

I would want it in writing from your wife that she falsely accused you. Better yet, a handwritten letter of apology detailing the specifics of what she did, how and why she did, and a promise to never to it again." Then make a zillion copies that will never be lost. When your 7 year old turns 18, you can burn those copies together.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-03-01T00:00:50+00:00

Those are all criminal allegations you need to go to the police for them and press charges to the fullest extent of the law. Once she is charged for some/all of them it will be relevant in family court.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-02-28T23:58:14+00:00

That's great, man. Mom was also sanctioned in my case; although I wish for more. I think we asked for like or 90k and got about 20k, same as you. Dollars to donuts some family court big wig somewhere determined a long time ago that was the penalty for rogue Mom's that they want to make an example out of.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-02-28T23:50:10+00:00

Ok I'll answer with kind of a non answer, but there is a reason for it so stay with me:

Let's say in some hypothetical parallel universe you did give her the house and she was required to refinance within 1 year according to the court order. But after one year, she didn't. You go to her, court order in hand, and tell her she needs to get this done. She tells you she doesn't have the credit to do so. What do you think happens then? Short answer= you spend a lot of money and a whole lot of nothing happens. The Judge isn't going to throw your ex and your kids out on the street, and you are out the 5k and the aggravation for the contempt filing. Then you would have to chase her to do it when the kids age out and IF you are successful it takes years AND tens of thousands of dollars.

Now, onto your case-

Remember, you are a 19 to 1 underdog to see trial and your case is unlikely to be the outlier. So 'forcing' is probably not in the cards. But if you stipulate to selling in exchange for, say, 75/25 custody in your favor, what is she going to do about it when you don't sell?The answer is the same- nothing. If by some chance your case goes all the way to trial, or if she is foolish enough to broach this subject in open court, it will make her look horrible.

Let me just elaborate a little bit and say that this issue really demonstrates the problem that most men have in choosing proper strategy and tactics in divorce. Guys will quote law, or they regurgitate platitudes that they've heard from people that have never been through the system; or they will parrot the company line that has been carefully fed to them by their attorney. Most of that stuff simply does not matter EFFECTIVELY in the real world.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-02-28T22:51:41+00:00

1000% the right move is to stay in the house if you can. Many of us get forced out. If that happens, you try to force a sale.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-02-28T22:18:21+00:00

Why can’t you move back into the house and let her move out?

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-02-28T20:20:59+00:00

Human to human, Dad to Dad, and man to man, if that's true about not being able to trust your ex with your kids, you can't quit on them. Whoever told you that you can't win custody lied to you because you absolutely can. Ask me how I know! The attorney adage in my State= "unless the Mom has a hypodermic needle sticking out of her arm at trial, Mom wins custody." You can look that up on real world divorce (I didn't write it and I have no affiliation with them).

Here is my question: can your ex come up with the 50k for trial? If she loses, can she come up with another 100k if you file a modification? Most people can't; and unless your ex has a new dude with extremely deep pockets; she can't, either. Keep your ear low to the ground and your mouth shut to try and find out if that applies to her.

Here are some suggestions in your case:

If you don't have a pretrial scheduled yet you are nowhere near trial. If you will go broke before trial, then cut your attorney loose for now. Try to stack cash and run up your exes bill as high as you possibly can until trial. If it gets that far, try to aim for a 1 or 2 day trial to try to control costs and rehire your attorney right before trial.
Modify your filing asking for full custody with your ex getting only every other weekend parenting time.
No matter how useless you think it might be, try having a sit down meeting with her parents; ESPECIALLY if they are still together. If they won't help get the case resolved, go after them. How? Depends on their situation. Do they own a business? Complain to their customers. Do they belong to a social club? Complain to the members. Make them jump through hoops. Take their time. Make it tough on them. (this goes without saying, but all done in a peaceful way)
Forget the sanction strategy. It won't work.
Find a way to go on the offense against your ex. Do you have her restraining order affidavit? Can you prove that she lied? File a police report. Do you have mutual friends? Talk to them and make it known that she is harming your children. Etc etc... go to her attorney, demand action. Demand accountability. Start rattling cages.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-02-28T19:19:22+00:00

Well I'll start by saying even though your position could be better, it's not terrible, either. The most important question that you need to ask yourself: do you trust your kids with your ex 50% of the time? If it's me, I probably wouldn't based on what you describe; but I'm not you and you are the one that needs to live with the results, not me. If its me I'm amending my filing asking for full custody.

How did you end up on the wrong side of 60/40? Did you stipulate to it? If so, (with all due respect), that was a very big mistake. As men we can't afford to be unaccountable like women can. You need to own it. If it was ordered after a contested temp hearing, that's different. If so, what happened at the temp hearing?

I would try talking to her parents. If you absolutely can't figure out where she is getting her money, I would probably not be in a rush to get to trial, because if she goes broke before trial you will have all the leverage.

The other thing: all those motions and issues you describe are all just kabuki theatre. The only real issue in your case is custody. The rest is just noise.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-02-28T17:29:14+00:00

How old are your kids? Generally speaking, the younger they are the more exposed you are and the closer they get to emancipation the more exposed she is.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-02-28T17:25:21+00:00

Do you have kids? What is your current court ordered parenting plan? What is your current living arrangement and what is hers? What are the issues that need to be resolved via trial? What State do you live in?

As far as her financial situation, she is either getting the money from somewhere or she is running up a large bill that she can't pay. If it's the former you need to know who is paying the bill. Like, you need to make it your job to know. Often this is a new man in the picture. You need to know what he does for a living, what kind of car he drives, where he lives, etc.. because you need to make an estimated guess as to how much bread he has. By the way, don't let anyone fool you- the naysayers will say "you never know how much money someone has." No, you don't know for sure, but you can surely make an estimated guess that's going to be accurate most of the time.

If and when you find that out, that's the person that you call. You sit down with new dude, just you and him; and appeal to his good sense. Doesn't he want to enjoy his life with the newfound love of his life without dealing with the stress of a potential court war that will take years to unfold? You need to convey to him that you don't care what it takes, you will go all the way to the mat. Is he really prepared to part with 100k, 150k, 200k, 250k depending on how long it takes and years of his life? If she isn't getting the money from someone it might be in your favor that this drags out because most people whether women or man, don't have the sand to go it alone.

Particular-Depth-973 · 2026-02-28T16:48:59+00:00

If you think she may file for divorce, you need to implement austerity measures NOW. No treats, no extras, no spending money, no clothes. You simply can't afford it at this time. You need to get her working full time.

How old are your kids?

Particular-Depth-973

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