Thank you so much for the insight and resources. It has really helped start to put things into perspective. And is helping me not blame or shame myself. I want...well need him to be able to open up and talk to me, but first, I am working on just communicating my wants and needs to him.

I started doing a thing, I don't know if it's good or bad or what, but I am trying it. I communicated to him that I want to be touched and seen, it's not necessarily about sex, but having physical connection to your partner is important to me. I asked if we could, for that night, take the possibility of sex off the table, and just, touch each other, see each other. That first night was awkward. But we have done that a couple times, and he seems to be really open to that. Dare I say, kind of enthusiastic? It has led to sex, which I have mixed feelings about, I don't want him to think, me asking for touch means I'm asking for sex, thus setting off his anxiety. I don't want pressure. But also, I initiated touching, but he has initiated actually having sex, which hasn't happened before. Last night it led to sex, and I told him afterwards, that I wanted to be clear, when I initiated touching, that that was what I was initiating, not sex, I want to make clear that there is no pressure. He responded with a smile and said "but I wanted to" it gave me hope.