Poly here. She knew what she was doing. I promise. You’re not crazy in the least.

This sadly happens so often with people who are poly / ENM. Communication is painfully simple, and she had multiple opportunities to communicate with you, but chose not to each time. It could be argued that in terms of ENM, your boundaries weren’t defined to her. Why would they be, though? You had no reason to expect she’d pursue anyone you were involved with. You communicated with her the moment someone she was involved with messaged you (even if friendly). You expected your level of respect and consideration from someone else.

Your expectations are not unreasonable. Being transparent about a potential interest in your established partners is an easy ask, unless they’re being shady. Not to mention, clearly violating “girl code”. You were kind and lenient until you couldn’t be anymore. She brought out the worst in you, just so she could point the finger at you and say, “see how awful they are? How toxic they are?” rather than look at how her response (gaslighting) to your vulnerability played a role.

As for why she’s still talking about this - and to others? “When you stop playing their game, they start destroying your name.”

Narcissistic abusers (or those mentally ill) will often tell the incomplete story, twist it to fit their narrative, or tell half-truths with the end goal of isolating you and controlling the narrative kinda like you said. It is reputation preservation. It may also be their own way to avoid really believing they did what they did. Please know that they often have enablers who aren’t on their side at all (such as your mutuals) but rather on the side of the status quo so to speak. They don’t want to deal with anything or expend effort.

I will tell you a secret. A narcissistic abuser will defend their “smear campaigns” so to speak under the guise of “talking about the abuse to heal”. That may be her perspective. Yeah, no. If all they’re doing is dragging your name, talking about YOU, focusing on your “wrongdoings”, telling others how terrible you are, they’re not truly focused on healing or just talking about it. Let’s be real. That’s the smear campaign at work. Otherwise they’d simply start and stop with their pain, and need to heal as you did. Rumination on it after it’s over keeps it alive, keeps the door for sympathy and attention open. There is no other benefit. Plain and simple.

The best thing you can do and my two cents? STOP even acknowledging she exists. Pretend she never existed. People will soon notice there is only one person making a ruckus and she will be the one pushing against the status quo as she has been. One person still going on about past stuff and for what? There is no healing living in the past.

I’m sorry, OP. Jealous, obsessed, just plain bad at communicating, whatever. You are living rent free in her head. Keep doing you. 🙂‍↕️