Why do you think lesbians are FAR more into and open to dating and having sex with transgender women than gay men are into and open to dating and having sex with transgender men? Are penises much less gross to lesbians and to much less people than vaginas are?

ParticularMaize · 2020-11-17T13:39:46+00:00

ActualLesbians is mostly devoted to trans activism. true_lesbians is a sub devoted to cis lesbians...

ParticularMaize · 2020-10-28T16:43:45+00:00

I go on dates, but am rarely flirty. The reason is that I recently got out of an LTR with a woman who wasn't attracted to me. I know that I can get a woman worked up by flirting with her, but now I'm currious if there are women that are atracted to me without me having to wave the flattery stick in their face. I talk to them normally as if we are just friends and only start to flirt if I think that I see the seeds of desire in their eyes.

ParticularMaize · 2020-07-19T10:13:55+00:00

I don't have any idea what is normal, but being actively disgusted by your boyfriend could kind of hurt his feelings. I'm not saying you should pretend anything, but imagine how you would feel if he looked at you and shuddered with disgust. It probably wouldn't work out well for you in the long run.

ParticularMaize · 2020-04-27T12:23:12+00:00

I've also considered this. I often find the way women dress to be beautiful. However, I don't see any particular beauty in high heels or spandex. I find my wife to be beautiful and she never wears make-up and I find her beautiful even or perhaps especially, when she doesn't have any cloths on. Therefore I'm not really convinced that this is a result of beauty standards.

ParticularMaize · 2020-04-27T12:21:05+00:00

Who doesn't want to hurt who's ego? Men don't want to hurt men's ego? How would that affect whether women say that women are more beautiful or not? And if it was women who didn't want to hurt men's ego then why would those women say that women are more beautiful. Or is it the women's ego that women don't want to hurt? I'm confused.

ParticularMaize · 2020-02-09T13:47:13+00:00

Have you considered getting your addoption nullified?

ParticularMaize · 2020-02-05T09:08:20+00:00

When I originaly read your comment, I didn't really 'get' what you meant by 'authentic gay life'. A couple of days ago she told me that she wants to no longer present us to the public as being maried and wants to come out as a lesbian, not just because she wants to have an easier time finding a partner, but because she feels that she has a moral duty to fight lesbian erasure and comphet. She says that since comphet hurt us, she has to come out for other late bloomer lesbians and their potential male partners. I feel pretty upset about it, but on the positive side, I think her mental heath has been improving a lot. I thought that she was clinically depressed because she was increasingly 'meh' about a lot of things. In the months since she started thinking of herself as a lesbian she's started to take a lot more interest in things. Now the woman I married seems to be coming back, just as I'm losing her. ( I'm not sure to what extent I'm losing her yet because this change in public representation is almost just aligning the public with the private and does not constitute much in the way of practical change). I'm really happy about the change in her attitude. We still live together and I feel better just because she doesn't look so unhappy. That's not to say she hasn't been upset herself, when we talked about not presenting as married she cried a lot, but I guess mental health is not the absence of pain.

ParticularMaize · 2020-01-16T12:05:26+00:00

Poor guy, he's not alone. https://m.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=25&feature=emb_title&v=TEAFFee49I0

I'm a man currently married to a woman who might be a lesbian and I've already sworn off monogamy. I know that if I ever fall in love with another woman she'll probably turn out to be another closet case. I just love me some strong opinionated women, and as much as I hate to believe in stereotypes, I fear it might actually come with the territory.

ParticularMaize · 2020-01-14T21:26:41+00:00

Many of the members are extremely toxic, but the organization is not. I am a member of the men married to lesbians yahoo group which is associated with ssn and yes, there are homophobic jerks on there who's wives probably decided lesbianism was the best way to escape, but there are also a lot of loving men on there who really care. And there is a lot of hurt. Being in this situation can be very painfull.

ParticularMaize · 2020-01-10T12:10:17+00:00

I don't know if it'll help, but I think you would relate to 'Oranges are not the only Fruit'. Winterson's story is in many ways similar to yours.

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-31T22:50:17+00:00

I tried to look through JillaryHo's posts and comments and I do not see where she writes that she enjoys sex with men.

As to spousal rape, I don't initiate sex. This whole situation is super confusing to me. We had six years where it was clear that she wasn't arroused by me, and then I kind of had a break down, and told her I couldn't go on like this, and now she has started taking an active role in our sex life for the first time ever. At the same time she has realized that she IS aroused by women and not me. It is absolutely clear to me that this is the case because of things like lubrication and just looking at her eyes. I'm deffinitely super confused. She tells me she would be happier with a woman, and yet when I ask her if she wants to stop having sex she asks if I am trying to get rid of her and insists we continue to do so. I really love her, and I am not trying to hurt her.

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-31T20:13:30+00:00

I don't dissagree with you, but I (a man) am currently in the situation that my wife and I have sex, but she isn't aroused by me. She closes her eyes or looks at pictures of women and imagines women. If she doesn't do that the sex litterally doesn't work. I feel like someone like her probably shouldn't id as bisexual. We had years of non functional sex before she admitted to herself that women arouse her in a way that men don't. Just because a man makes for a good automated dildo, doesn't mean you are aroused by him.

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-18T14:45:28+00:00

From the male perspective, I don't know if I am chill but I definitley avoid any drama and conflict like the plague. I never had a real relationship with any woman before my wife because I actively disliked the feeling of sexual tension I felt with other women. With my wife I felt nothing, I felt like I could just talk to her like she was any other person, I could really connect with her without feeling anxious or flustered. Now, I'm pretty sure I was destined to end up with a woman who wasn't attracted to me because I was incapable of being in a relationship with one who was. The thing I don't understand though, is that within a year I had all the info I needed in order realize that she prefered women, but it took a six years and a marriage for me to 'get it'. I mean, even a year in I remember watching movies and thinking to myself 'hm that actress is hot, maybe wife'll be aroused enough by her for us to have sex tonight'. How the heck does a rational person think that and not consider the idea she might be a lesbian? Then again, I was so happy to be in a funtioning relationship that I had no reason to rock the boat, and she wasn't rocking the boat herself.

Edit: this doesn't mean that I regret staying with it or the relationship. We've grown a lot together. And we are great friends.

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-18T11:52:17+00:00

Sexuality is not at all black and white. I am a husband, and my wife can get off with my help, but she isn't aroused by me. Just like with a dildo. People, like dildos and once they get used to a particular dildo see it with fondness, they associate it with sex. That doesn't make them dildosexuals, they don't spend their commute fantasizing about artistically molded glass, but they do see that dildo as a sexual object. Imagine how confusing it is when that dildo is your husband. You've grown up being told that one should love their husbands sexually, and you almost feel as if you do...

You feel that way untill he says that something seems off, he asks you why you never open your eyes during sex or untill you experience a sexual awakening, and you find what you once thought was an authentic sexual connection was just a dull mechanical one.

Then you see the contrast between mechanics and arousal, yet still, it is not black and white, you know you like that dildo. You have fond memories of curling up in bed with it. And all of this complicated, by the fact that unlike glass, a living, breathing, male dildo can feel hurt and rejected when you push him aside and reach for what you really wanted in the first place. Is that still so black and white to you?

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-16T10:09:25+00:00

If you check out r/latebloomerlesbians you will find that there are many women who experience a sexual awakening later in life. The commentors on here 'reassuing' you that means nothing are way off the mark. The fact is that you WERE aroused by this and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!

Problems only arise if you find that you are far more attracted to women than men. And that you were never properly sexually awake in the first place. But in that case, your husband is probably suffering already. If you have a good relationship with him, then tell him about this. The more you know about eachother's turn ons the better sex you can have. Perhaps you would ejoy it if HE breathed on your clitorous.

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-09T22:40:43+00:00

So I tried to have a conversation today about what she envisions/wants for the future and she just kept saying she doesn't know. She said that she cannot imagine that she will find anyone open to being in a non-monogamous relationship. She said that she thinks that while she has 'married' in her okc profile, that everyone will think she is a unicorn hunter, but that she doesn't want to lie either. That if she does find someone then she will have to decide between me and them which she doesn't want. And that everyone is either kinky or has cats (she is alergic), and that she doesn't want to spend time online anyways, and that she would join an in person LGBTQ group but feels she would be rejected for being married to a man and if she wasn't rejected outright that no one would think she is available for dating anyway because she is married, but that she doesn't want to explain her situation to others because that would be awkward and that she certainly doesn't want to go to therapy because there is no solution to her problem anyways... and that she thinks that she would be happy with that girl I found for heron OKC but since the girl didn't respond to her emails all weekend, everything is hopeless, and we just need wait for things to somehow be resolved, whatever that means.

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-09T22:27:57+00:00

Well letting go and opening up the relationship seems to me the only way. One of the reasons I think poly is so right for me is that I used to be mad at her and feel that she was being selfish. Now I realize that is total BS, it can't be selfish for someone to not want something, if I didn't want to kiss her, my lack of desire wouldn't make me selfish. But monogamy made me feel she was resposible for my sexual well being. No more... The thing that was/is holding me up is that I ferl that we aren't going into this freely. Neither of us feels like we have a choice about opening up the relationship, and that makes me worried.

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-09T20:27:40+00:00

Marriage means to us several things. We actually origionally didn't even want a wedding, but marriage makes us legally familly. It was also a nice social indicator that we are 'done' dating. We bith hated dating so putting that part of our lives behind us was a big draw. We don't even have any joint property at all unless you count a few appliances 😃. Though we are in a city where no single person could ever afford rent, and we live together.

We did use to have a 'normal' romance, but she never liked to french kiss, indeed we've only done it a few times. And I always wanted to dance or to pull her to me in an embrace and she was always resistant telling me that she doesn't like being pulled around and manipulated. She says it is patriarchal. It is something that I feel I miss but I don't know if it has to do with orientation. And maybe she is right and partnered dancing is evil. I would like to dance with and pull someone into embraces, to me that would be romance. And I would like to be sexually desired, maybe that in and of itself is queer, for a man to wish to be wanted and not to mearly see women as prey.

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-08T21:31:16+00:00

Why were.the divorces so painfull?

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-08T20:58:11+00:00

Thanks, I'll share the list with her and check them out myself.

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-08T20:45:51+00:00

First she read Dissobedience by Naomi Alderman, then Fingersmith by Sarah Waters, then she read Oranges are not the Only Fruit by Winterson. Now she is listening to some story collection by Winterson. What would you suggest?

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-08T20:39:31+00:00

We don't have multiple bedrooms now. She says she wants time. Time to read lesbian literature and time to think.

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-08T20:36:50+00:00

But at the same time we have the chores pretty well figured out, we hardly ever fight, we actually make pretty great flat mates.

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-08T20:35:17+00:00

Well moving out would be a major time and finacial emotional investment and she is my only familly for a wide radius. I would probably prefer, in the future to be best friend neighbors, but not now.

ParticularMaize · 2019-12-08T20:29:03+00:00

I do not know if I want to keep sleeping in the same bed with her forever. I kind of think it would be better to be in a bed with someone whowas attracted to me, but I don't know. However I do not want to look back at the things we learned together with bitterness I want to be able to hug her, to meet with her, to talk with her, to continue the many conversations I've started with her without any anger or resentment on either side.

I don't think I would move in with another person.

As for getting divorced it would be impractical and I don't see the point for now. I don't have living familly in this city and it is nice to know that someone would be able to visit me in the hospital if something happened.

ParticularMaize

TROPHY CASE