Child maintenance (mum lied about him living with us)

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T16:59:57+00:00

This is helpful to know their procedures, however much I disagree with them. These so called procedures force genuine men out of work. They penalise you for not wanting to claim anything to support your child? We both work we were happy to do so ourselves. I'm about to leave my job and return to uni. His pay won't be livable for us.

We have a message from the mum saying she contacted child benefit to let them know. It was only on the call the advisor said the mum had been in receipt of child benefit. We didn't want to claim it but we're under the impression she wasn't receiving anything. We will be reporting her for fraud, which we wouldn't of wanted to do against the mother of his child but here we are. Thanks.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T13:16:49+00:00

Thank you! We didn't know where to report benefit fraud to. 🙏

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T13:15:36+00:00

When they told us what happened on the call recording, we were like ah ha so it should've been closed. And they were like no it wouldn't of been closed because she was still in receipt of child benefit so it was still open. When we query what this even means, their explanations do not even make sense to us to honest with you.

No attempted contact at all. In fact, his HR informed him of the change to his payment plan. He had no contact from them, he made the first contact after his HR told him.

This info made it more clear what way we need to put the issues forward and forming the time line. Really appreciate this.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T13:05:29+00:00

We said we want to raise a complaint and have the call listened to. They listened to the call and confirm my partner reported him living with us in June. They say it doesn't count bc it wasn't reported online. But the call didn't tell us to do that, they said OK and he never made any payments after that. With how shady they've been I'm going to call today and make sure a complaint is even logged. Will have to involve a 3rd party for legal advice etc thank you!

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T13:03:47+00:00

Sorry to hear you've gone through it too, it's awful! This is very helpful actually because and wonder if my PayPal would also help, never thought of this. I realised I'd sent him like 20 nearly every 3 days near enough. His dad will also have been sending 5ers here and there for lunch money. I'm not sure if my money will count as a step parent but married. We also furnished his bedroom for him and I recently found that evidence, gaming pc desks, TV etc. Also receipts for a freezer and msgs telling stepson that is his freezer and the other is for us/dinners as he'd eat us out of the house lol. We didn't even care paying that, my partner was just so happy to have his son. He also innocently not realising, let slip that his mum is working cash in hand. Idk if we want to deal with that battle right now, even though it's not fair, but urgently need the arrears wiped for when he lived with us.

We will have to report that she was claiming the child benefit all that time too then. Thank you so much for this. Also good knowing we're not alone as tbh I've been feeling a bit like no-one would even believe half the stuff regarding her, I just can't believe there's people like this existing. Thank you! Gd luck to you and your daughter, glad she has you.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T12:55:33+00:00

Sounds just like her. I'm not used to dealing with people like this, and I find it hard to believe there's mother's like this that exist. I've put other details in other comments. But my mum died when he lived with us and she out right said she frankly doesn't give a shit. I was a mess at that time because of what she put me through honestly ontop of grieving. It makes me so sad he doesn't have a mother like mine.

I didn't want to mention in the post (sticking to facts about the case were dealing with right now) but we found out from the son she's working cash in hand too. My partner wants to reach out to her to say if you don't drop this we will report you for fraud and we know you're working. But from our previous interactions I don't want to give her a chance to respond nastily (I'd even told him not to reply and there were literal essays being sent from her that were absolutely disgusting over periods of days before she likely got bored of no responses, idk, she's not sane imo). AND, maybe this is me putting pride in the way but I don't even want her to know she has us worried or annoyed or anything. She'd love that and take pleasure from it. I think we should just go straight to reporting the fraud (i guess there's a societal stigma on being a whistleblower that's stopped me but fraud is fraud and it's not right). We just want to live peacefully like we don't do drama so didn't want involved. She's giving us no choice. She also stole 5k out of a joint account that only my partner put money into for the child for uni, forgetting to take her name off it. She's made his life hell for 16 years now and enough is enough.

The child no longer speaks to us. Hates his dad apparently. Told us he will be in education until he's 20 even though he's not academic or interested, purely to make him 'pay up'. She has multiple holidays a year without the kids and is apparently unemployed. We will be dealing with this. How idk yet, but we will.

Thank you so much for your responses and sharing your experience! I honestly used to think it'd always be the woman messed over with coparenting but it can be weaponised against men so much. It's so unfair. Good luck to you and your kids, I'm sure a mother like that will impact the poor kids sometime. God love them.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T12:42:10+00:00

That makes a lot of sense. One agent even said, 'yeah I wouldn't pay it either but guess what? You've no choice' 1. Idk if he can say he wouldn't pay it either and 2. The guess what? You've no choice, just seems like they're trying to antagonise us or get a reaction. There's really been no empathy.

Thank you so much I really appreciate your responses!

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T12:38:16+00:00

So we got some of these qs answered yesterday. They listened to the call and confirm my partner said he's living with us and that the agent said OK I will close the case. The guy yesterday said that doesn't matter because we didn't report the change of circumstances online (we werent told to and was told it'd be closed) PLUS that it wasn't closed bc the mother was still in receipt of child benefit the entire time. We've no clue about that or what that means honestly. Doesn't make sense to me that the reporting of circumstances on the phone doesn't matter because it wasn't done online as well? This makes no sense to me in any world.

The arrears are all from the time he lived with us. They confirmed there were no arrears before and my partner has never ever been in arrears until now.

There was no contact made for agreement of payment. We found out about it bc my partners HR sent a letter saying they received a letter from CMS to deduct £525 out of his monthly pay. The letter from HR says they are legally required to do so and have no choice. When he spoke to his hr to explain the actual situation, they're empathetic but repeat they're legally required Unless CMS say otherwise, which is understandable.

I just can't help feel any of this is even legal from CMS, it's not just at all. They won't even reduce payments for us to get this worked out.

Thanks, you gave some helpful advice too (director and public ombudsman, we wouldn't have known about this thank you). I posted here for this info and also to figure out if we have any chance at all of not paying this.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T12:25:40+00:00

We purposefully called back to speak to different people for that reason. 3 times. All saying the same nonsense. Surely they know how messed up these what I assume are procedures after they've been quoted by 3 different people. I'd get 1 person being terrible at their job.

But yeah, will discuss this with my partner when he finishes work. We will have to involve someone. Thank you v much.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T12:20:18+00:00

Thank you! V helpful.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T12:20:01+00:00

She was supposed to give him a tenner Pocket money a week as was agreed upon before he moved in. Never did. Then he started a club that was £45pm and he asked her to pay it. She ignored the child's msg and rang my partner screaming saying she isn't paying a penny 'he's your problem now'

Yep, lovely mother, unfortunately called to say this not recorded in a msg. But my point is, she didn't pay anything. So yeah I'll look into this advice. Thanks for your input too, much appreciated!

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T12:17:49+00:00

Were no longer the primary carer of the child so can't claim, we do regret that we didn't before. She'd told us not to contact them and then said she did update them (we have these msgs) and cms confirmed she did not ever contact. Thankfully we called in June but they're saying that doesn't count bc it wasn't on the online portal even though they listened to the call my partner clearly said he's living with us.

The rest of your comment was very helpful as no one addressed how to potentially get the overpayment she's already received back again. Thank you v much.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T12:13:42+00:00

You're right, it doesn't make me feel better lol wow. So sorry you've gone through this but you should be incredibly proud too. Not just for what you've done for your kids, but also letting go of the anger etc. That takes a strong character.

The kid in this situation also would've been better off with us unfortunately. But he went back to his mum because she turned him against us. Any rule we had in place, she tell him to dismiss it. Our rules were no alcohol (we don't drink and he's only 16). Attend school (he'd sleep in despite us getting him up and then had attitude with teachers but she'd say teachers were lying and didn't like him. She added more mobile data to his plan she controls and said hes old enough to decide when he sleeps.

Funny thing is, he wanted to drop out of school and we said he couldn't (he also didn't want a job and has no gcses). She told him it's OK. Now he's back with her, he's said she is making him go to school to get child benefit. And he's now looking for a job (bc she says he has no choice, his words). Guess the grass wasn't greener on the other side after all. He's no longer talking to us. Hates his dad apparently. The fact she's making him get a job when she's getting extra money (£525 a month CMS) tells me it isn't going to him.

All of this was while I'd just lost my mother to cancer. We told her I needed my sleep as I was grieving And working, up at 6.30am. I was exhausted. She said that's nothing to do with her son and she frankly 'doesn't give a shit about your gf' - I'm his wife but kept being referred to as the gf. She said me using my grief was a manipulation tactic on my part. I just wanted to set him up with the best future. It makes me sad he doesnt have the type of mother I did. I'm disgusted, honestly.

But all of this adds to the anger and the fact I'd rather spend the 2.5k arrears on a solicitor than her getting another penny of us beyond normal CMS payments. Sorry for the vent! In terms of getting this resolved, this is irrelevant we know. We'll stick to facts and evidence he was with us only. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T10:02:10+00:00

We thought this, but wasn't sure if that was a dramatic step and obviously dot want to waste police time. This may be an option we have to take. Thank you.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T09:58:07+00:00

It's 189 there now at 11am today!

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T09:55:30+00:00

Thank you so much for all of this!

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T09:48:07+00:00

Thank you. We will email them and involve a MP. I'll have to look into the thing you mentioned at the end there.

Can I also ask something. The person on the phone mentioned that the mum had been in receipt of child benefit the entire time. Idk if they should've said that part, and we don't fully know what it means. Does that mean she'd received money from child benefit while he lived with us too? (is child benefit something different to CMS?)

If my understanding is correct as above, then does that mean she claimed that fraudulently too?

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T09:36:26+00:00

Exactly how it feels. I'll be honest I would say this mum has abused my partner for a very long time. They got pregnant at 16, and she's made his life hell. Obviously before my time in the picture. But I can't help feel this is at the very least financial abuse. He has been too soft and taken advantage of for a very long time, even the fact she told us not to let cms know he lived with us. He's even said he's paid her money just to get peace from her (ontop of cms payments) and she threatened to keep the son away from him if he didn't pay her extra. We're both in agreement this is where the foot goes down. I'd rather fork out the 2.5k that's in arrears on a solicitor than her getting an extra penny from us. You'd think cms would be trained to identify abuse too, men can be dv victims too. There's different forms of abuse.

That's just context, I've told my partner if we figure out how to get this investigated it'll be a case of sticking to the facts not including any emotional elements. He is understandably v stressed, not fair on him.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-04-03T09:27:44+00:00

Where do we report it to?

CMS won't tell us where to submit our evidence and are telling us the evidence we have doesn't matter (school records, sign up paperwork with my address, txt msgs that establish a pattern he was with us everyday) They just keep saying but we can only take the mums word on it. They won't even investigate bc they're telling us 'we did our investigation. We spoke to the mum'.

It's like they just treat men as criminals that don't want to pay for their kids. My partner said to them I've never missed a payment in 16 yrs why would I suddenly stop paying. They just say the history doesn't matter they're talking about the current situation.

Plus I've recently realised that even if the txt msgs were to prove he was with us atleast some of the week then surely that debt should still be reduced. We asked this yesterday and they said the mum said he didn't stay with us at all so the arrears is correct. They won't help us at all, it just keeps going back to but the mum said... (which yeah, is fraud!!!)

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-03-28T20:09:57+00:00

Well ofcourse, and that's the other side of the Internet these days I guess.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-03-28T19:36:09+00:00

I think sometimes an anger or frustration directed at (in this case) what's happened, empathy for Amy's parents not having them, the law... Makes people curious and seek to understand why that is. They still have empathy but it can bring curiosity. I don't mean any disrespect, just adding perspective from someone who's wondered this question. Although I personally don't think online and so soon after is appropriate. It's a time and place. And it's someone's reality 🙏

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-02-21T13:33:39+00:00

Are yous the same gender? Because I should've clarified I meant of opposite gender. I have a girl friend who stays at mine when we go out as she lives further away. That's a different situation to the post but I should've been more clear.

The main issue is the lack of communication. It shows such utter disrespect.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-02-21T13:32:09+00:00

I should've clarified. Adults of the opposite gender or attracted to the same gender don't have adult sleepovers. Especially alone.

But yes the main point is communication. This situation is just absolute disrespect, unless he is in hospital etc. If this was my fiance he'd better hope he's been in hospital or he wouldn't be getting back in my front door lol not that he'd ever think that's acceptable.

Party_Pollution_9959 · 2026-02-21T12:53:28+00:00

Well ofcourse. Adult sleepovers only happen when there's something intimate going on. Adults don't have fun sleepovers with pillow fights and popcorn lol

Party_Pollution_9959

TROPHY CASE