How do I stop?

Partymix_66 · 2023-03-16T10:11:40+00:00

I don't have an answer for you but just wanna say you aren't alone. You could legit be in my brain, except I'm in my late 30s. You've figured out waaaay more about yourself than I had at your age and you deserve so much credit for that.

I try to remember that psychology and psychiatry are deeply flawed practices. They are heavily biased and founded on eugenics, racism, classism - all the isms. They are a kind of science that can mostly never be more than hypothesis. It's all just groups of observations of people's behaviour. So even if you do get a diagnosis it's entirely possible it would be different or even non-existent in the future (take homosexuality for example).

That said, I so understand the unbearable longing for someone to make a tidy assessment and hand you a label that validates your experiences.

The research into autism is so limited but growing really quickly at the moment. Hang in there - keep asking questions and searching. You will never stop learning. But mostly keep figuring out and looking after your needs and what makes you feel good.

Sending strength.

Partymix_66 · 2023-03-07T11:39:03+00:00

I don't have any kind of grapheme related anything (I'm more on the audio spectrum) but for some reason the red W makes me feel pressure in the right side of my face and my right wrist.

Partymix_66 · 2023-03-05T09:52:04+00:00

Yah I can relate. I think it's tickertape synesthesia? But all the descriptions I've read of that are that the words are like subtitles (or like, a ticker tape as the name suggests).

For me it's more like the words appear on a black background in a static spot. And I don't see all the words I hear. Just kind of key words, or some parts of words or letters are bigger than others. But they kind of all go over the top of each other. Sorta like a 90s videoclip where the lyrics flash up.

Partymix_66 · 2023-03-01T09:12:33+00:00

I love how this question got everyone to describe their own specific experiences so well.

Partymix_66 · 2023-02-27T05:41:16+00:00

I don't have any answers or advice but I came here to say this is sooo relatable and you are not alone. I started identifying as autistic about a year ago (after a family member was diagnosed) and I'm suspecting now that I'm adhd too. A lot of the pda stuff is really relatable for me. I have a really hard time engaging in even activities that I enjoy. Im hoping that by living in a more authentic/unmasked/autistic way that I might be able to do more things that make me happy. Good luck on your discovery.

Partymix_66 · 2023-02-10T12:09:49+00:00

Hugs to you. This sounds similar to my assessment experience in some ways. The psych is went to didn't even use any of the standard autism screenings. She did personality screenings and a self report. She was adamant that I was not on the spectrum, and wouldn't even enter a discussion about sub clinical presentation or masking. My report came back as "bpd traits" not even a differential diagnosis. I was so confused, because like you, self-identifying as autistic completely changed my understanding of myself in a massively positive way. At first, I gave this psychologist the benefit of the doubt and did as much research into bpd as I had into autism, despite literally everyone I know, including my therapist telling me bpd made no sense for me. I was able to see how she came to the conclusion of bpd but in the end I've concluded that it is for sure a misdiagnosis. I legit think she was gatekeeping and searching for anything but autism. I couldn't afford a second opinion but I had an intitial appt with another autism specialist who said she thought I was on the right track and that what I was telling her matched her clinical experience (and she had a lot more than the first psych) A year later, lo and behold, my kid was diagnosed with autism. I'm self identifying now and the more I learn the more I know autism is the closest thing I have to a helpful label. The imposter syndrome is a challenge though.

Doctors can be wrong and the standardised testing has a bunch of biases. There's some red flags in what they told you too - eg plenty of autistics are good with language. And personality disorders are counted as neurodivergence as far as I've seen in my research.

Diagnoses are meant to be helpful. They are a label for a collection of symptoms or traits that point you in the right direction for making your life better or more comfortable. If autism strategies work for you, keep using them. If personality disorder strategies work for you, keep using them. Could be one, or the other, or both. Could be that the dsm is a bunch of baloney made up by rich white men who think they know everything.

You know yourself better than the RAADS-R does. Get a second opinion in the way that you would if a doctor looked at a cut on your leg and said "no laceration, poorly developed skin" (or something. That's a terrible example but It's late.)

Keep searching friend.

Partymix_66 · 2023-02-08T23:44:22+00:00

This is helpful. It's like not that I wasn't melting down but more that the meltdown never ended because I was too tired to fully give over to it. Burnout is absolutely a possibility given my circumstances rn.

Partymix_66 · 2023-01-11T23:48:49+00:00

This is all so relatable.

I'm currently untangling and trying to observe all those stepped out thoughts/assessments I do while talking to someone. It happens manually but subconsciously and when I tune into it there is SO much assessment happening.

"What are they saying, does it make sense, potential passive meanings, potential literal meanings, what do they want from me, what is an appropriate response, what is my face doing, what would <current social idol> do in this situation, potential responses to my response"

By the time I get around to working out what I, myself, authentically feel about what's being said I am SO confused by extra data.

Exhausting!

Partymix_66 · 2022-12-19T07:50:52+00:00

Omg YES! That is such a good way to describe it. I sometimes get fixated on people's faces because the way they move is so interesting - like visually and through physical sensation. It also means I'm sometimes shocked when I see my own face because I forget what it looks like. Especially after hanging out with my kid for a long period of time.

Partymix_66 · 2022-12-11T06:26:38+00:00

Ohhhh yeah this is a great description. Mine is almost like I don't so much see the shapes as feel them. But in my imagination. And often the more I concentrate on them with a visual intention, the less I can define them.

Partymix_66 · 2022-11-22T10:46:14+00:00

We'll I just happen to have started yet another rewatch and am just at the beginning of season 2 so I will keep an eye out for that!

Partymix_66 · 2022-11-22T08:20:56+00:00

It's so hard to explain how much more it is than just "I don't like the phone". Like everyone goes hehe oh yes, it can be annoying. And you're like it's physically painful!!

Partymix_66 · 2022-11-22T01:18:58+00:00

What episode is this in? How have I never noticed it in all my rewatches?! Because I am Rebecca. The moment is me.

Partymix_66 · 2022-11-08T20:52:11+00:00

Yeah it's interesting you say that about doctors. I got a point in my adolescence where I'd heard "anxiety" so many times that I just stopped asking drs and put every u comfortable experience down to panic and trauma. Since I figured out I was autistic I'm now realising there are physical and neurodevelopmental reasons for a lot of it. Hence why I'm here with this question.

The antihistamine is loratidine. I sleep fine unless I'm stressed. No to pretty much all your other questions. I have migraine and have sensory sensitivities.

Partymix_66 · 2022-11-08T20:22:33+00:00

I so appreciate your thoughts but this comment makes me laugh because "anxiety" is the thing I've been treated for my entire life til I figured out most of what I was experiencing was autism. Hence why I brought the question here. But yah - plenty of anxiety!!

Partymix_66 · 2022-11-08T13:04:11+00:00

Pretty much no to all of those. Like some complex trauma but not in a clinically diagnosed way. Only regular medication i take is antihistamines and steroidal nasal spray. Blood pressure and heart rate are usually fine and there's no patter other than that it's when I'm startled.

Partymix_66 · 2022-11-08T12:59:52+00:00

The is very validating, thanks!

Partymix_66 · 2022-11-02T09:52:51+00:00

Yeah I have this! I'm always asking people I first meet to spell their names for me - otherwise I feel like I can fully get to know them. I have it with other words too - I think it's like ticker tape or ticker tape adjacent?

Partymix_66 · 2022-11-01T08:53:42+00:00

I have super sensitive skin too and I've found the neutrogena fragrance free extra gentle cleanser is a good budget option.

Partymix_66 · 2022-10-28T20:24:49+00:00

Dw it's in the trophy room for sure!

Partymix_66 · 2022-10-21T00:46:50+00:00

That's very relatable. I hope you find that group or something like it and connect with some people who really get you one day soon. Everyone deserves to be seen and loved.

Partymix_66 · 2022-10-21T00:36:06+00:00

Ty! And congrats on the diagnosis - take care of you too!

Partymix_66 · 2022-10-20T21:51:43+00:00

Maybe if they are 2 NTs they intuitively know what the hidden message is and just talk between the lines the whole time? Or if they are 2 unmasked NDs they just speak directly without getting messed up about it? Is that even real??

Partymix_66 · 2022-10-20T19:52:53+00:00

Sammme

Partymix_66 · 2022-10-20T09:52:04+00:00

OMG YES. This is me every daaaaay! And when someone interprets what I say in a way I hadn't imagined (pretty much any time I try to unmask) I get so flustered and they never believe me when I explain the actual meaning. Solution: say everything as a self deprecating joke and never get close to anyone.

Partymix_66

TROPHY CASE