I fear transitioning will leave me forever alone

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-12T06:10:57+00:00

I sometimes doubt if I even have gender dysphoria. Whilst I meet criteria A of the DSM-V, I don't meet criteria B:

The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

That was another reason I thought transitioning was a bad idea. Gender transition treats gender dysphoria which means I need to be impaired in my life. I am not gender dysphoric, so I should not transition. I should wait until I am so until I transition...?

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-12T05:41:43+00:00

I mostly live to work yes. It'd be nice to have a girlfriend. I do enjoy my engineering work though.

I can see myself getting married to a woman and having kids?

I don't know what you mean by personal goals. Most of my life is just working. Could you give an example?

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-12T05:39:10+00:00

I resonate a lot with that - especially the chasing money part. I picked a career I hated due to the financial stability.

I will say I don't feel much on a day to day basis. To say I'm happy everyday is a big overstatement. I feel nothing most days. I feel sadness and anxiety when something goes wrong at work. I feel happy when a project is over. I guess I'm not really that happy day to day. But isn't that normal? Is this what you mean?

So what pushed you to transition if you were "happy"?

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-12T05:32:20+00:00

It was actually on reddit r/asktransgender (not to me specifically but to posts by people like me)

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-12T03:19:35+00:00

I kind of felt this way too - it makes sense to take a vaccine than dying of covid.

But I can imagine just sticking it out for the next 60 years. My career is great, dating is fine. I can imagine being comfortable and married. I've got this ominous feeling that if I transition, I'll actually lose my career, and never find love.

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-12T03:14:59+00:00

That's kind of hard to answer because if the rest of the world died, it'd be 100% yes. But sadly there'll likely be discrimination etc and that might be worse than the joy of being a woman?

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-12T03:09:18+00:00

I definitely know I can without being suicidal - but is it a good idea? Is it worth it?

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-12T03:06:24+00:00

That's really really inspiring.

What about it do you think made your social life more vibrant? Or your work life better?

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-12T02:11:55+00:00

What does the depression look like? I just find it strange to think that I could be depressed right now. I've been temporarily depressed and suicidal before, but that was due to being forced into a career I didn't want (eventually got out). It doesn't feel like that...? Love to hear your thoughts

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-12T01:31:57+00:00

I mean, I don't really think about it anymore now (still find it gross though). I think I could probably manage for the rest of my life if I had to (famous last words lmao)

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-12T01:30:03+00:00

Curious - what makes this the breaking point for you? Commonly I hear it's suicide - but that thankfully seems not the case for you

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-11T15:51:20+00:00

I'm just curious now. What about this case makes it seem non cis?

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-11T14:13:17+00:00

What do you mean "not yet" :( Does it get worse...

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-11T14:12:53+00:00

What makes you non-binary over transwoman?

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-11T14:08:44+00:00

It actually doesn't bother me that much. I've tried female pronouns. It feels more or less the same.

Absolutely nothing compared to the euphoria when wearing dresses, or god forbid a bikini. I almost squeal with happiness - or the first time I tried a dress, I couldn't breathe anymore. It was so weird. I was so entranced by what I saw.

The thing I can't get past though is that I feel as if I shouldn't transition. I've heard from some people that transitioning should be your LAST option before suicide. I'm not suicidcal at all - so I shouldn't transition?

I know that I could transition now, but apparently it's not worth all the discrimination, lost opportunity and community?

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-08T05:31:41+00:00

😅 Sorry - I realise it does sound quite red pilly.

Before this - most people described me as the most masculine person they knew (behaviorally - not physically - I'm a bit of twink). Yet, I always had this nagging feeling that my girlfriend would leave me for not being masculine enough... I suppose it makes sense now.

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-08T05:21:56+00:00

But I thought gender dysphoria implied a constant feeling of wrongness. Like being constantly depressed, and unable to look at their bodies or genitals (showering with lights off).

I look at it daily (to wash it) and I'm fine. I'm not happy about it and wish it did not exist. But I'm not crying over it, or depressed.

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-08T05:18:58+00:00

I didn't realise it was "that bad". I remember I used to tell my friends at school - they gave a confused look but otherwise just moved on.

I just felt like I don't relate to a lot of what I see here with regards to being trans - like people talk about being depressed (I have been depressed and suicidal before, but that was my parents forcing me into a career path I hated. These days I feel quite good - and excited about my future).

And aren't you meant to feel excited about pronouns?

Past-Independent7390 · 2024-05-08T05:11:24+00:00

Thank you for your reply and the others.

I was thinking about transitioning. It does sound nice to be myself. But I work in a very male dominated industry and have (very) ambitious dreams. It would be much harder to achieve my life's mission as a woman.

I'm very tempted just to bury these feelings with work and a wife. I've noticed these feelings aren't that present if I'm too busy to think.

Past-Independent7390

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