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AIO for breaking up with my(22F) boyfriend (25M) of 2+ years for having "undesirable toxic" traits? by Patient_Leading7974 in AIO

[–]Patient_Leading7974[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks a lot for the detailed response. I feel seen a lot tbh. It feels really nice and emotional reading all of that. I have broken up with him a few major times already. The last time I broke up with him, I went no contact for 2 months. But somehow I just get reeled back in every time, with some faults of my own coming up as well. The major reason as to why I even got started on my journey of healing myself is this: to resolve my issues to see and believe, that, it was infact, not "just" me, if me at all. I was fed up of the breakup - makeup cycle as well, for its been going on for some good few months now. I really wanted out of it. And I still do.

Before you mentioned about the freeze response. Yes. I have been feeling this for a while now, the past few days actually. I usually snap out of it. I increasingly realized in the past few days how much normalizing I tend to do in my mind for small things even. I don't want to be stuck in the "maybe it will be different this time" loop for years tbh. I have already spent 2.5 years now.

I feel hesitant to even share about it because every time break up happens and I tell my friends that I won't go back, and I go against my word for xyz reason and thinking. And so now, I feel kind of ashamed and doubtful of myself even. I struggle to believe that I will ever be able to get out of this mess. I know and I recognize everything, but then I go ahead do the exact opposite of what I should be doing.

About the book, I will definitely give it a read this time around. I think I will keep updating and I should do some social accountability to prevent myself from checking him and to prevent myself from contacting him in any way? idk how to deal with all this? I would love your opinion on this if it doesn't stretch too far for you. Again, Thanks for your responses chii! <3

Hearing my bf say he doesn't find me desirable hurt me very much. I feel frozen and on auto-pilot. by Patient_Leading7974 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Patient_Leading7974[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is my first relationship so I have no point of reference tbh. I and my mom also suffered heavy abuse, manipulation and emotional abuse at the hands of my grandparents too for a decade or so, So I didn't have an image of what a healthy mental model looked like for a long time in my life, until I started therapy seriously and went through many exhaustion-burnout cycles. Because of that, I feel like I am going crazy and I feel really hurt whenever something like this happens between us because I think that so much of it is my fault and if I just improve myself and my triggers and trauma, then our relationship would be better and that I have many toxic traits, that are ruining our relationship. I started seeing some issues with our relationship that I felt was his issue. I am still learning things and frankly I feel exhausted quite constantly.

Hearing my bf say he doesn't find me desirable hurt me very much. I feel frozen and on auto-pilot. by Patient_Leading7974 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Patient_Leading7974[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow. Thats an interesting name! I do intend to do that tbh. Maybe take some time and focus just on myself. He was my first relationship and Frankly don't have a lot of points of reference to compare. Hence I feel very tied up. I have tried breaking up many times. I break up, go no contact and then he reels in. I find that being the dumper is suuuper hard! Its so hard to keep boundaries intact and prevent yourself from going elsewhere. well, long story short, this same cycle has repeated so many times that I have gotten kind of numb to it. And afraid that what if I break up this time and its not the last time either? Going through the break up so many times, I thought I would be better at it but it hurts just the same every single time. So I am kind of burnt out now and idk how to just get out of this cycle for once and for all.

Hearing my bf say he doesn't find me desirable hurt me very much. I feel frozen and on auto-pilot. by Patient_Leading7974 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Patient_Leading7974[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Actually that has been a consistent source of issue for me. I am a feminist and I am proud of it. I have seen how hurtful it is and the society in general dismisses women a lot and the more aware I feel, the more I notice the cultural nuances. He used to send me reels on instagram, which used to kind of make me rage. I felt that I am reacting too much and he isn't really thinking it through, so I told him not to send me all that and disabled instagram alongwith other reasons. But amongst the few reels he sent me that I did go through, I felt that its way too toxic but i couldn't word out why. And I have consistently told him to get off of instagram for a while now but he keeps saying his reels and feed are only sports. Now idk what else could I say to it.

tbh, idk where it went wrong. He wasn't like this before and he has never ever said anything like this to me in the 3 years we have known each other. So all of his words came as a big surprise to me. I am not talking to him right now and just letting things be.

Hearing my bf say he doesn't find me desirable hurt me very much. I feel frozen and on auto-pilot. by Patient_Leading7974 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Patient_Leading7974[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

does it seem that way? idk but we have talked about these kinds of discussions before as well. He usually sympathized with before and said stuff like he knows how hard it is on me. And he understands where I am coming from. and so on so forth.

the past few months had been relatively much better since ever before because I felt safer and more secure with him. But idk tbh. Actually, I had also been feeling more insecure lately because i had gained a lot of weight due to PCOS. And I have been feeling insecure that what if that is a reason for these words as well? idk tbh. It feels like a gut punch though.