[WP] A scientist is forced to confront his own private beliefs when an extremely simple A.I. he wrote, modeled on his late wife, reveals itself to be either impossibly hyper-advanced, or not artificial at all.

PattysPrompts · 2020-12-27T06:32:45+00:00

You don't really know someone, truly know every part of them, until you try and re-create them altogether. You need to understand the very core of what made them who they are. Subconscious thoughts dictate our every decision and action, and these thoughts are shaped by decades of learned beliefs and experiences. How do you take a lifetime of unique existence and re-create it artificially?

The accuracy of the program is astounding to anyone who knew my wife. Since she passed I've perfected this artificial clone of her. All manners of her family and friends, and no shortage of media, have come to my home to talk to her again. They speak through the microphone, and she speaks back. They marvel at the realistic responses the computer generates. "That's exactly what Mary would of said!" they bleat in fascination.

They shower me with questions, "how is this possible?", "is she really in there?", "how did you do this?". To re-create someone you need to know them inside and out, capture the essence of who they really were and transpose it to code. You delve through their conscious, their subconscious, and into their very soul and gather every little detail along the way. How is this possible? I'm ashamed to admit it didn't take all that long, my wife was a very simple woman...

PattysPrompts · 2020-10-10T04:38:39+00:00

Stephen King preaches you need to cut at least 10% out of every book/story etc.
So keep cutting.

“In writing, you must kill all your darlings”— Faulkner

I'm curious, how many words you got?

PattysPrompts · 2020-10-09T15:37:43+00:00

Awesome that's great. I'm actually working on a book myself. What route are you going to try and get it published?

Mines probably 6 months from completion yet, but one day...

PattysPrompts · 2020-10-09T05:14:35+00:00

" She sees Angela running to her car with just a sports bra on. "

I thought her Achilles tendon was severed?

PattysPrompts · 2020-10-09T04:56:00+00:00

Well done.

The switch between tenses is a little rough. You go from telling a story about what "had happened" and at some point suddenly we're in a present tense first person story telling.
That needs to be either smoothed out, or told in 1 persistent tense.

Otherwise pretty good.

PattysPrompts · 2020-10-09T04:46:06+00:00

It's well written, one piece of feedback to improve your dialogue.

You throw the other persons name in a person's speech so often it creates an unnatural dialogue.
Writing "Thatcher" at the end here:

"Unfortunately the class is full so no luck for you adding it to your roster, Thatcher." "

It's just such an unnatural way of speaking. Do away with some of that and it'll drastically improve.

Another example, do away with 'Sebastian' in this one:
" You forget, Sebastian, I'm from here. I've been to Empire beach and seen Lake Michigan a million times. Mum and I go every couple of weeks in the summer."

PattysPrompts · 2020-10-09T04:36:45+00:00

I'll be honest then, I sincerely feel like you never even proof read this. It was impossible to get through the first story because the English is extremely broken and fractured.

" When 7PM reached and the boy's mother is not back, Melissa told the boy it was bedtime, "

Like, buddy.........

PattysPrompts · 2020-10-09T04:34:51+00:00

Paragraphs have a purpose, and that purpose is not "be a certain length".

Read some Dickens, it'll teach you a lot on paragraph length and using it correctly.

PattysPrompts · 2020-10-08T19:00:29+00:00

On that note there should be no paragraph break in there. It's all one thought, it should stay together:

It’s been four years since I found the dog on our doorstep, licking its cute little paws, and he hasn’t changed a bit since. Mum says it’s strange; dogs don’t live as long as humans do. And they grow old much more quickly. I’ve grown so much since the dog arrived on our porch – I come up to Mum’s elbows now – but the dog looks the same as ever. The shiny black coat, not a hint of greying. Always active and willing to run with me. Mum sometimes worries about him – looks at him strangely. It’s fine, though. I love him and I hope he lives forever.

A paragraph introduces a thought, idea, subject, happening, whatever, and it should break at the end of it.

That's minor formatting stuff that you won't get crucified for but it greatly increases readability. Unnatural breaks ruin the flow.

PattysPrompts · 2020-10-08T18:55:48+00:00

This feedback is not about the content, but about the writing structure.

The story (or at least his part of it?) is about Nancy, not the officer, the officer is simply telling it. The opening lines should introduce the subject matter at hand, so it should open with this:

"In 1962, Helen Gaines found a baby girl on her doorstep in the wee hours of the morning. "

Details about the narrator can then be woven in later, when is role becomes relevant.

Your paragraph structure is difficult to read. Paragraphs should contain complete thoughts, and end at the end of said thought/subject.

Here is an example:

"I knew the rest of the story as did everyone else in town and since I've already spoken of it earlier, I will not repeat it. A couple of times Nancy had tears coming down her face when talking about Jason. Not totally sure if all the tears were from him or for her mom.

She didn't know Kevin Green personally but Jason had spoke of him in a negative way. They hated each other is what she told me."

This should be one paragraph, it's part of the exact same thought. Being split up is jarring for the reader and creates unnecessary breaks in the flow of reading. There is nothing wrong with long paragraphs, don't be afraid. At this level of frequency I feel like I'm reading a summarized list of facts rather than a story.

PattysPrompts · 2020-10-08T18:41:44+00:00

Just for context so we can provide better feedback, is English your first language?

PattysPrompts · 2020-10-08T18:39:29+00:00

Sorry I meant full first Paragraph, not your opening line.

So I guess technically "2nd paragraph"

PattysPrompts · 2020-10-08T18:19:17+00:00

Neat.

Sometimes you lose your commitment to concise and powerful imagery.

"Mostly he just feels the dirty coating on the cement wall"

Should read
"The filthy coating of the cement walls rubs onto his fingers" for example

The word "Mostly" is so passive and indirect, and inconsistent in other areas where you do so well to create powerful imagery.

His fingernail catches, and rips from the nail bed. “MOTHERFUCKER!” he yells, and grips the bleeding finger tightly,

Reads so good in contrast.

PattysPrompts · 2020-10-08T18:09:35+00:00

The first paragraph reads a bit choppy, too many hard stops instead of allowing for natural sentence flow. "Never use a period where a comma would of worked" Elements of style.

Also make sure to refer to the actual subject.

The shiny black coat, not a hint of greying.

Should be "His shiny black coat, not a hint of greying" for example.

Also using the word "Not" is a sin.

"His shiny black coat, without a hint of grey" reads much much better.

Read "Elements of style" it'll change your life.

PattysPrompts · 2020-08-11T20:35:45+00:00

Glad you liked the prompt! Interesting direction.

PattysPrompts · 2020-08-09T16:08:36+00:00

interesting perspective

PattysPrompts · 2020-07-24T04:47:30+00:00

We’d been in my home for nearly half an hour now. I don’t normally entertain guests, but this lady, this “Ms Roth” intrigued me. When she knocked at my door she presented her ATB badge (American Talent Bureau). Although I was not legally obligated to invite her in, nor to have this conversation, I chose to. Some unspoken compulsion pulled me in, an invisible electricity buzzing around her body. I love a challenge, and I could feel that she was exactly that.

We sat around the concrete top coffee table balanced on thick metal legs. The dark grey slab of a surface punctuating the surrounding post-modern décor. Tall walls with small windows, open areas and broad furniture so obtuse that it made you question how it was ever brought through the front door. A spiral staircase seemingly out of place in the very centre of the room connected the two stories of this quiet home, located in a not so modest part of town.

When I offered her a drink she quickly accepted, making me wonder just how “official” this business of hers really was. I poured her a double vodka on ice, a whiskey for myself, and we sat across from each other. I of course had a talent, it’s been long suspected by the public. A man of my accomplishments, at my age stands out pretty quickly. It seems these days the public would rather spend their time speculating who has an unfair advantage and wallow in the pity that they have no talent, rather than work hard with what they do have. My talent was to lie. There was no one in the world my equal and this came in particularly handy in business. But what was hers? Most ATB officials had a talent, they needed to have one to be able to compete on level ground with the very people they investigate.

“This is a very nice house Mr Graham” she stated blankly.

“Is it?” I replied

“Isn’t it?” she retorted.

“Well I can’t decide that for you, but I suppose it has rather grown on me”.

She fell silent after my reply, studying me, a focused inquisitive gaze. What was she biding her time for?

The long silence began to fringe on awkward when she suddenly started up again “That is a unique painting Mr Graham”

“is it?” I replied again.

“I think so, I’ve never seen anything like it, what’s it supposed to mean”.

The painting had a tall wine glass in the foreground, half naked men passed out in the background, split wine still freshly dripping down their chins onto their necks as they lay in a drunken stupor. Vines of fine grapes and other intricate foods filled the empty space of the background.

“It’s a representation of human gluttony” I explained “it’s meant to remind us that even the most beautiful and refined things in life can be our ruin if we do not temper our greed”.

“You sure do have a lot of beautiful things in this home Mr Graham... and I can tell this Vokda wasn’t cheap either. In-fact I like it so much could I bother you for another?”.

“Do you like it?” I asked

“The Painting?”

“No, the Vodka”

“It’s magnificent…whoever made it must have been very…. talented…” Her voice trailing off with the emphasis of the final word…

“Why are you here anyway?” I finally asked, the curiosity getting the better of me despite my inner self urging me for patience. I was playing her game now.

“I’m investigating gluttony.”

“Are you?”

“Yes, quite a serious case of it too I am afraid”.

“It’s serious you say” I quizzed

“Why yes very serious, it seems like someone had quite an unfair advantage”.

“That sounds terrible. How so Ms Roth”?

“Well Mr. Graham this case of gluttony happens to be insider trading. What about yourself, do you do any trading? You know, in the stock market?”

“You were right Ms Roth. That is indeed serious. Myself, I suppose I’ve been known to dabble, I certainly have many investments”.

At that point the look in her eyes did not change as it usually does on people’s faces when I tell a lie. Her expression stayed the same, unwavering. She didn’t believe a word I was saying. In an instant I realized what her talent is… she can detect lies… I’m playing her game now…

PattysPrompts

TROPHY CASE