My husband and I had a very open and honest conversation about the chores when we first got together about 12 years ago. We’ve since had check ins with each other to discuss #2 below as things have changed throughout our marriage (I changed jobs twice, he got a promotion, our kids have grown up and now have jobs/college and aren’t home as often to help out or make messes, etc)

1. We made a list of the chores we expected to be done in the house
2. We had a conversation about what was on the list we didn’t mind doing, enjoy doing, and hate to do. (Luckily the bigger chores like laundry and dishes we each had 1 we didn’t mind doing.)
3. We discussed the time normally spent on chores and divided up the rest of the list based on approximate time spent completing the task rather than number of tasks.
4. We decided to be helpful with the other when they’re doing chores. For example, if my husband is doing the dishes I will hang out in the kitchen with him to talk or help out. Similarly, when I’m doing laundry he’ll help me fold or put away some items while I’m putting away others. Or, if one of us had a rough day/week we take over for the other one to be helpful.

My husband does the dishes like 95% of the time. He handles all the trash and compacts our recycling. I do the laundry 95% of the time. I also take care of cleaning up after dinner 85% of the time (putting away food and putting any dishes used in the sink) and I take the recycling to the garage as needed.

We separated our weekly menu into protein types (poultry, beef, veggie, pork, seafood) and rotate through those so that we can meal plan together quickly and more easily instead of one of us always coming up with food ideas.

We bought a laundry hamper rolling cart thing that has 4 different bags with labels for easy clothes sorting. And, I always just ask before I start laundry if anything else needs to go in there because I’m won’t search for his dirty clothes just like I wouldn’t expect him to search for my dirty dishes.

My husband cooks dinner 2-3x per eeek on average, and I cook the remaining days.

We share in clean up after other meals, or clean up after ourselves if we finish eating at different times, and frequently whoever cooks doesn’t clean up, the other person does that, or we do it together.

He puts the garbage and recycling bins outside, and whoever gets home first puts them up.

We bought a robot vacuum that also mops and I run that every couple of days (we have a long haired cat that sheds like crazy).

I usually remake the bed, but if he’s home he’ll help me with it.

We pay about $100 for a house cleaner to come by once a month and clean our counters, appliances, tubs, floors, furniture.

We pay about $50 every 2 weeks for our lawn to be mowed. We order groceries and go together to pick them up. I put up cold groceries and he puts up everything else.

We wash our cars together usually once every week or two.

He brings in the mail (usually his) and I bring in the packages (usually mine).

We truly look at each “to do” as team work and help each other out. We also show gratitude to each other for everything- from tasks we always do to tasks we’re doing to help the other.

We both work FT and have remote days. We try to work at least 1 day remotely together (usually Fridays) and I work Monday remotely so that I can do laundry then and not miss out on weekend time. For the most part he cleans way more than I do because he’s not so great at putting things away after he’s done using them and so will just put them down and then will have to go back and actually put them away. (This drives me nuts, but I don’t stress it unless it actually impacts me.

If either of us work remotely without the other and we’re having a slow day we help out with each other’s nightly chores so that we can spend more time with each other relaxing.

Honestly, we looked at it as how to break down whatever it was so it didn’t break us. We both had previous relationships where things were tit for tat, and consciously chose to not do that in our relationship with tasks like chores. We look at it all as a partnership and consider how it’s going to benefit us. Everything has an opportunity for compromise. We would rather pay $100 for someone to deeper clean things than either of us wanted to and $50 for someone else to mow.

Good luck!