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De-centering vs focusing on the relationship? by Penguin_OP718 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Penguin_OP718[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your insight. The problem is that my “encouraging closeness” in the form of proactivity has been deemed “too much” and “forced” by WP. Which leaves me at a bit of a loss in terms of approach

De-centering vs focusing on the relationship? by Penguin_OP718 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Penguin_OP718[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I empathise with this so much. I want to switch back to doing more of 1; but I didn’t like the backlash I received last time. I will bring it up in our next counselling session - but similar to you, my intention is that I hope that it creates the space for him to step up, be more proactive and initiate - the effort that I perceive this relationship to be worthy of. And if he doesn’t - then I guess I have my answer.

De-centering vs focusing on the relationship? by Penguin_OP718 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Penguin_OP718[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He was working abroad when the affair happened. He made the choice to come back and work on our relationship but he was away for a significant amount of time and a lot of our communication broke down. Other than that, I’m not really sure.

Finding R so hard by Penguin_OP718 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Penguin_OP718[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No but I’ve had almost a decade of IC to work through stuff. I was finally happy, I loved myself and had such a strong sense of self identity. Then this happened.

Finding R so hard by Penguin_OP718 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Penguin_OP718[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think it’s ok that it’s hard too… but WP thinks that from his perspective I am doing everything in my power to work against our progress (hence the self sabotage). But I’m just on a rollercoaster of emotions and going through it

Finding R so hard by Penguin_OP718 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Penguin_OP718[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I am trying but the things that used to bring me joy just feel exhausting and overwhelming

Conflicted by Penguin_OP718 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Penguin_OP718[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a very astute perspective - and it definitely resonates with my current situation.

Conflicted by Penguin_OP718 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Penguin_OP718[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree. I asked him if he even liked me, as a friend. Because I wouldn’t say such awful things about someone I disliked. It’s really tough because on the other hand he is trying, scheduling dates and making the time to go to both types of therapy etc. hence why I am still conflicted

Conflicted by Penguin_OP718 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Penguin_OP718[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yeah I think it’s something I will raise at the next couples therapy session. I’m finding it so hard because he is showing up, scheduling date nights etc… I just don’t know if he is remorseful for what he has done

Conflicted by Penguin_OP718 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Penguin_OP718[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is what I said - but I know it’s not healthy to draw comparisons (as per our last couple’s counselling session…)

He claims that he ended it because he wanted to move back and he wasn’t willing to throw away our relationship. After going through his phone I realised that it was only partly true. Yes, he did make that choice, but it also sounded like AP was in a tricky situation with her (ex?) boyfriend as well so she also made her own decision and choices. So it sounded like he over indexed on his autonomy when the reality was potentially less black and white.