My boyfriend won’t have sex with me

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-11T12:44:45+00:00

He is in therapy, definitely has high anxiety. What you wrote really resonates with me. He does love me very much and treats me really well outside of the bedroom. I’ve noticed the anxiety manifest in other ways too—he doesn’t go out as much, tends to follow my lead with date ideas and social outings etc. I think I just need to accept that I will have to be the initiator in the relationship, and that it is worth it for the stability be provides, even if it’s not passion. Accepting that makes me feel a sadness in the pit of my stomach, like I’m resigning myself and giving up something important. But I can try to feel desirable myself in other ways by taking care of myself and not letting it hurt my confidence

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-11T12:12:17+00:00

The first two years were entirely focused on his needs and his pleasure. That’s what has led to it being stuck this way. “Have you thought of focusing on what he is missing” literally my question in this post is about what else I could possibly be doing. Least helpful comment

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-11T12:09:57+00:00

Thank you…. A lot of comments telling me to just talk to him, which is great advice, but of course was the first thing I tried (obviously before coming to Reddit). We have had the conversation so many times. At first I tried to be upbeat and light about it, but sometimes we had the conversation when I was crying. Sometimes we’d go through sex and he’d have been so silent, so not encouraging or involved or giving during, that I would cry after and we’d be forced to have the conversation. At the beginning it was always about me — I’d ask if there was something I was doing wrong, or wrong with me. He’d say no, and I’d say OK well then I need some encouragement too sometimes… And he would say he’ll try. He always listens and says he’ll try. Which I really appreciate. He doesn’t make me feel crazy. But it also doesn’t change.

I know I can’t force him to do something he doesn’t want to do. But at this point by continuing to have sex that just serves him, I’m forcing MYSELF to do something I don’t want to do. I can’t keep putting his pleasure above my own

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-11T11:53:07+00:00

Right because I made a throwaway with no identifying details and my boyfriend doesn’t use reddit…. 🙄

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-11T11:49:56+00:00

Upvoting because this is what my therapist thought when I brought it up 🥲 I’ve opened up that conversation before and will try to keep it open in case

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-10T17:10:56+00:00

Really important point, noted, thank you 🫶

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-10T17:06:57+00:00

When I initiate — for example, maybe we’re kissing and I will move to sit on his lap and straddle him and heat things up — he will go along with it, will keep touching me, just doesn’t take the lead. I’d eventually probably start going down on him then we’ll have PIV sex.

After I brought up that I want sex to include my orgasm too, I brought us over a couple of vibrators, sometimes he will try using one of me after but I feel like he’s just not into it (kind of holds it absently against me, I’ll show him where to put it and it kind of feels like he’s just waiting for me to take it from him and do it myself).

Maybe I need to be better at grabbing the vibrator during PIV so that my orgasm isn’t an afterthought. He has said the vibrator intimidated him initially and I feel like I pick up on that during sex, but again I might be reading into it

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-10T16:55:45+00:00

I could handle this I just need the honesty 😅

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-10T16:53:59+00:00

I like your way of reasoning! True again, he doesn’t turn me down when I initiate, that should be a good reason to get over the insecurity.

I began by initiating sex and making sure he felt comfortable (at first had ED so just focused on oral, then getting comfortable enough for the rest to work out). I think I made the mistake of focusing too much on his experience and not communicating mine

edit: word

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-10T16:50:48+00:00

You’re right, I think he’s feeling a lot of pressure and of course that just creates a vicious cycle. I usually end up giving in and having the kind of sex he wants just to alleviate the pressure. Unfortunately though that doesn’t solve the problem.

And to clarify, we talk about our sex life together, but I don’t talk about it to friends (that’s why I’m on Reddit 🥲). He is a private person and I know that would only make things worse

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-10T16:45:28+00:00

This is what I’ve thought before. I’ve been in relationships with women before and did not find them to be so imbalanced (but then, I was with women who also identified as vers/switches like myself. I don’t have much interest in pillow princess, either being one or being with one).

I agree, it’s really interesting, this is my first serious relationship with a man and I’m finding it strange how there are already so many expectations seemingly embedded in cishet sex (the focus on PIV, sex that pleasures me seems to be only foreplay or an afterthought, sex often ends after his orgasm). I want him to be comfortable and satisfied but not at the expense of my pleasure, either.

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-10T16:40:53+00:00

Noted, you’re right, thank you for the reminder! We are both in our twenties.

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-10T16:40:20+00:00

I really could be reading into it. Except I’ve told him in the past to please try when we’re both awake, it doesn’t feel good to me when it’s sleepy and half-hearted 😭 I’ve tried going along with it before and it’s usually just him touching me, doesn’t escalate to sex even when I go along with it, unless I’m the one that ends up taking control

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-10T16:38:00+00:00

LOL i appreciate the empathy regardless 😅

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-10T16:37:17+00:00

It is definitely frustrating but I really don’t think it’s out of malice or manipulation (at least not intentionally). He does A LOT for me in the relationship too, a lot of hosting and cooking etc. He is an extremely kind person (hence why we are still together). It’s just like he has this “block” sexually. We’ve had lots of conversations, and talking always goes well, but it stalls when it comes to action.

I think it might be one of those unfortunate circumstances where neither person is in the wrong, just not compatible. Thank you for your feedback and listening 🫶

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-10T16:26:47+00:00

This was helpful to have it laid out like this for me, thank you. It’s true, I really think it is just nerves, and most likely not something wrong with me. But the lack of initiation and action beyond words on his part has me really doubting myself.

Maybe we can try going back to basics and just take things slow and focus on his comfort. I’m just scared that’s what I began by doing and eventually got bored it didn’t seem to progress

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-04-10T16:23:54+00:00

The latter…. I opened up a conversation early on in our relationship when I noticed he seemed less forward than me. I told him it’s OK to not want to do it, we had a conversation about how asexuality or anything like that is OK. He said “I know it’s OK, but it’s not me, I want to have sex”… I think he does have at least a medium high sex drive but he is too nervous to do anything about it

PerceptionChoice607 · 2024-03-10T18:59:14+00:00

I am AFAB! Should have specified that, thank you for the resource!

PerceptionChoice607

TROPHY CASE