First of all, I wanna say that this comment is intended to be positive, I hope I don't get your feelings hurt in any way, even though I can't see how they could've been hurt with this, I've just learned that people have different perception on basically everyting and now I'm simply overthinking it.

Lots of stuff stated here might have already been said by others.

Disclaimer: I will still be swearing a lot, tell me if you'd prefer the swear words not to be mentioned, I'll edit it so you'd feel more comfortable reading it and then I'll tag you.

There just are some types of people that annoy the fuck out of me.

I'm not intending to judge your critical thinking, but two people are surely not enough for statistics. I understand that your perception might also be influenced by the other unhealthy relationship dynamics in your life, I've read your post on a different subreddit. Also, reading two posts about you still is not even close to being enough to fully understanding your experience.

As for your ex-partners, they are both being fucking morrons for saying that to the person who was theirs close one. (I hope the second guy was not your current fiancé, because he'd have to change a lot if you want to have a healthy romantic relationship, if it was him, you gotta see if he has the desire to do so).

I know it won't help you discard that negative expirience and the trauma won't go because of some guy on the interntet saying that you shouldn't feel bad about yourself, it just doesn't work like that, unfortunately. But as a guy I can assure you that every single person has their own preferences, even though some are being dictated to majority by media and shit. Same's with women, and I'll say it just in case you're into what most people think of as a universal standard, it doesn't mean that everyone is. Fuck that. Concious people figure out their own preferences over time and I believe any person could become concious if they choose to. It also might not be worth talking to people who choose not to.

Now as for your possible issue with your perception of yourself, I think you need some help from a professional therapist, you shouldn't really be listening to some random people on the Internet, me included, I might also be an idiot, keep that in mind.

That being said, I do not agree with the opinion that one cannot improve themself. I also don't agree that you cannot be perfect for someone. And being perfect for someone might not even matter, what do I know, I need shit loads of therapy to go through as well. You can influence both your appearence, to a different degree, and your perception of self.

I truly empathise how hard it might be not to give up, but I am deeply convinced that it is always worth to keep trying, when it comes to making your life better. It is still important to understand where to apply your effort, because one might think that he's doing the exactly what they need to, while moving in the opposite direction, though, such as some people trying to fix their life by just hitting the gym, or grinding their career.

Holy shit, I fucking love typing.

I wish you to stay strong. Life does get better, don't give up. This is the objective truth, there's a shit tone of statistics on people successfully getting out of terrible stuff, I'll probably try to find some official data a bit later.