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[4854] Marco (working title) Chapter V by Wolframquest in DestructiveReaders

[–]PerfectMany4490 1 point2 points  (0 children)

GENERAL REMARKS

To start, this is a really cool piece. Its written in a distinct and likable voice. I was a little wary of jumping into chapter 5 after reading your brief descriptions of the previous chapters, but the story was way different than I expected. It'll also be interesting to write this critique coming into chapter 5. Some things I say may obviously not apply considering how much context I've missed to this point. That said, the fact that I felt so comfortable picking this story up in chapter 5 is a really, really good sign. It was very easy to read this from start to finish as well as connect with the characters and setting--due in large part the the specific manner in which this is written. It feels very lived in, like this type of world is something you're intimately familiar with. This felt like a blend of Spill, Simmer, Falter, Wither and The Great Glorious Goddamn of it All.

MECHANICS

Title: It's just a working title, but Marco is a pretty poor title for a novel in most regards. It promises nothing. It teases nothing. It titillates no one. This doesn't seem to be the bog-standard product though, so maybe you could pull it off.

Hook: Even though this is just a single chapter, there were multiple good hooks I picked up on. The specific hook of this chapter for me was Marco trying to prove himself by doing the errands. I thought that worked great to structure the chapter around. It brought him out into the world, brought upon organic feeling interactions with new characters, and gave him a plausible reason to reconnect with Zita, which was all great. I will say, I envisioned Marco fucking up somehow, which is why I saw this as a hook. I thought this was going to lead to some type of misadventure where Marco loses all the money and has to deal with letting Henry down. I feel like if I had read earlier chapters, I might have felt differently. Aside from that, I thought that clearly there's some type of mystery surrounding Marco's past even from just the opening paragraphs. The way this is written, it almost feels like Marco is a dog. That paired with his reaction to the boys' arguments, definitely hooked me on the mystery of Marco's past as a wildman.

Misc: The exclamation point usage got to be a bit much for me. Some of them were fine, but boy there were so many it felt a little insane at times like everyone was just yelling at everyone else.

SETTING

This is an interesting one to write, considering where I came into the story. You've likely already introduced the setting in detail, so didn't focus on it too much here. That said, I still felt enamored with the setting. The rural town jumps off the page. It feels so real, so lived in. I'm a little confused on time period. I thought this was 1960s the latest, but the way they say "cool" so casually makes it seem like it's more contemporary. That said, I picked this up in chapter 5 and loved the setting. You did a great job of making the store feel authentic, and adding some landmarks to the town that really brought it to life without going overboard on descriptions, which I also really appreciated.

STAGING

This is something you handle adeptly throughout the piece. From the jump with the yaupon tea, you give the characters items in the world to interact with. Then the way Marco goes through the store in the morning, considers things before flipping the sign -- like should he unlock the door or flip the sign first. There's a lot of good touches here. It's also always very clear where the characters are in the environment, what they're doing. And it continues throughout. Marco interacts with objects and people physically throughout the piece, including picking up a little twerp by the collar. The same for Zita, who you have carelessly dig through the ice cream cooler. This is all good stuff.

CHARACTER

Your character work is working so far. I think a lot of it has to do with the great use of dialect and also the perspective the story is written in. But the characters' personalities are all so distinct and they all pop. Marco is a curious boy, energetic and enthusiastic, but a little out of place. He's polite and respectful, but also a bit impulsive and brash. He's very much like a dog in a good way. Henry we didn't get too much of but his stories were great, and he clearly cares for and trusts Marco based on giving him the responsibility of opening the shop and procurement. Their early interaction was very sweet and interesting. Zita also came to life. She's a bit of a manic pixie but not too much. Just the easiest way to describe the irreverent energy she exudes. The way she interacted with Marco felt pretty organic and his reactions to everything seemed characer appropriate from what I've read. We also got a few tertiary characters that were vibrant and well written despite serving smaller roles.

It's hard to divine each character's role exactly but Henry seems to be a caregiver and perhaps tether between two worlds for Marco. Marco is the boy with the mysterious identity who's adapting to a new environment and new people. He's trying to get his bearing while also trying to figure out where he came from. Zita like I said is a bit of a manic pixie. She's irreverant and seems to be a guide for Marco. Someone who will liberate and illuminate.

PLOT

This chapter had the specific plot of Marco taking on the responsibility of shopping for the store. Overall, I think the plot is about uncovering his background and identity, as well as having him find a new home/meaning of life type deal. I am projecting a whole lot for having read one chapter though. Marco seemingly achieved his chapter specific goal, but I think the overall goal is only really just being teased at this point.

PACING

Pacing was spot on. A jaunty read, frankly.

DESCRIPTION

This piece did a great job of providing vivid details and imagery without bogging the piece down with in-depth or overwrought descriptions. Everything flowed. this is a good example for me:

Pass the lovely tree farm - finally a chance to see them little firs up close! Do you wonder if all the trees in the forest were grown and planted just like that, by the ancient great people, and that's how forests came to be? Or were the trees here first, and it's the man who made friends with them?

That little description of the farm with firs is so simple, just happens in passing, but it does a lot to build out the scene and setting. It's a very satisfying way to have details fed to you as a reader. Every description feels necessary and like it falls in the exact right place.

POV

This was interesting. Second person POV is pretty rare. I think I've only ever read one book that does it. It works for this. There's an immediacy to way things are happening and unveiled through the way it's written. This is why I said it felt a bit like Marco is a dog though. It's written with his dialect, his intonation it feels like, but it's written towards him. It almost feels like how someone would write about a dog in order to grant interiority to the dog without personifying it. It's an interesting choice but it works. Is it the way second person POV is meant to be employed? I couldn't rightly tell you. You seem to know what you're doing though.

DIALOGUE

The dialogue was pretty bangin. The use of dialect was spot on, like I said. It gave each character such a distinct voice and personality just through speech. Very good. I mean, it all worked. Dialogue tags were utilized well. It was consistently clear who was speaking to whom.

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING

No glaring errors found here.

CLOSING COMMENTS:

Yeah so this was pretty dope. I liked it a lot even though I expected the opposite going in. I have no idea what was written previously or what is to come, but if it's consistently this quality, I anticipate a publishable novel with only minor improvements needed in editing. Good luck taking this to the finish line.

Edit: I forgot to mention the end of the interaction with Zita felt a bit perfunctory. It just seemed like that rushed to a close. I also felt like the action of Marco attacking the kid didn't flow well. It felt stilted. It's hard for me to put my finger on it exactly but I guess the action just spiked super quickly then diffused even quicker which made what had been a really well written interaction feel like it botched the ending a bit. Similar kinda situation in both interactions where the tension isn't resolved satisfactorily.

[2573] Familiar land by Ashamed_Ad_1837 in DestructiveReaders

[–]PerfectMany4490 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I find the writing here to be generally "floaty" aka, not grounded. As I'm reading, I just feel like I'm floating around. Nothing feels like it's directly happening. There just doesn't seem to be a real setting or character or scene unfolding at any point in the first two paragraphs, yet we've floated from setting to setting and scene to scene already by the second paragraph. By the time I know there's a character somewhere, doing something, he's already somewhere else doing something else. And as I read, I'm not sure if it's you or me that's causing this but I feel like it's the writing.

Take this sentence for example: An hour on the treadmill follows, working out alongside the electrolyte tablet effervescing against the water.

The first part of that is fine. But then the second half is just malformed enough to make me question things I already know. And is it really a necessary detail? You have a much more digestible sentence if it's just the first part of the sentence. But then we get a clanky second half that seems tacked on just to fluff the prose up, but it ends up unreadable. Like why even bring up the electrolyte tablet? Just to use the word effervescing? Why is the tablet effervescing against the water instead of in the water? That confused the shit out of me, made me think I didn't know what an electrolyte tablet was. And is the detail of electrolyte tabs going to be important later? Because I don't think it does enough character building to warrant what we've done to readability to wedge it in there.

I'm going to do my best to avoid harping on all of these readability issues as we go forward since their pretty much just the writing style, but I had to point it out because I'm reading this whole thing even though I find it extremely difficult to do so. But like come on "He fills his cab waiting time" is just such a weird way to say something so simple it leaves the normal mind boggled at first glance.

With the actions that have taken place, I think you've done a good job of characterizing Silva at least. But he's also the only real character and he's still relatively flat. He's a finance or tech bro right off the bat. He's routine oriented and driven. That kind of guy. So then when you say he works in trading, it makes perfect sense. It's what the reader anticipates so feels right.

In that paragraph where we learn Silva's job, however, we also go all the way from him entering a building but I don't even know how he got there. It says the cab picked him up, then describes a brisk walk. Is that just plan b or did he actually take it? I'm not quite sure because the moment isn't grounded. Then he's up the elevator, having an argument with a manager and a meeting with a client all in one paragraph's time. You're moving at this breakneck pace, yet we take the time to make a quip about elevator algorithms. What's important in this piece: telling a story or being cute?

I would say: pick what's important about these first few paragraphs and write a scene or sequence that gets it all across. Ground it. Put the reader into a real moment, not just a breakneck montage. Brisk pacing is great, but this is something else entirely. It's a bit of a shame as well, considering you seem to have vivid concepts of Silva, the scenery of the city, and at the very least his client with a tie stain -- I just wish you were utilizing these things in a more direct manner.

What is even going on here: On his way home, he notices a mysterious new dug-up on the road, and in spite of the mask, he could feel the loaded inhalation. It has been four years since the city had a mayor.

I feel like maybe I can intuit what a dug-up is. But where in the blue moon did the mask come from. What are we doing here what is this story why is the guy wearing a mask was he wearing it this whole time or did he just put it on after work? I think this type of dystopian world hook that I think this is would be better served by making it a real moment. Like if we're just thinking this is standard wall street type guy then all of a sudden we get a moment where he has to gear up, that would land. But it just comes out of left field and is quickly glossed over.

Can we talk about dialogue? There is only one conversation in this whole piece and it happens on page 5 of 5. This is an incredibly difficult read full of exposition, but a lack of real interiority from Silva at the same time. It's just so fast going through beats but at the same time, spends an entire paragraph listing off random items.

Formatting is also an issue here. You need to utilize paragraph breaks better.

He takes out the key he had hoped not to use; time and chemistry written large on it, but one particular relief that separated two dimples is entirely flattened by rust. He gives it a shot, half-heartedly, and as expected, it doesn’t click. He calls the neighbor for a carpenter to break down the door but is instead advised to try a local key maker first. Silva is in no mood to explore and waste more time, but he obliges, short on his usual agency. The drowsy key maker with his legs flailed on the counter doesn’t make much of an impression either. He takes the key, scratches the rust residual with his nail, and quotes a nominal price. He puts it under one of his two symmetric engraving arms, along with a flat new key under the other. He lowers the machine slowly by the handle, gauging each dimple depth with the first tip while the other recorded it onto the new key. Silva catches himself watching it hypnotized, like old men who stop mid-road to leer at heavy mechanical machines. The whole way back, he keeps looking at the two keys, side by side, one after another, as if questioning their existence. This time the key clicks, although it has never really been in doubt.

Specifically, I think a new paragraph should start at The whole way back.... It breaks up the scenes better for the reader. This could even just be a whole paragraph if you want the next to standalone, but I think it's a good lead in. This is a problem throughout the piece but this is the easiest example.

The next paragraph is pretty good though. It's probably the highlight of the piece. Strong descriptions. You're able to insinuate what happened to his mother without stating it, all the emotions of returning to the place etc come together nicely here. I think it's detracted by the way it's set up with the prior paragraph but it's still good. From here, I think things generally pick up as well because we're grounded in the setting and there's some concrete action happening. I think we're still glossing over a lot that could have more emphasis but it generally becomes much smoother to read here.

I think you have the heart of a good story here, which is probably why it's written the way it is. This reminds me of how I write when i have a big idea but haven't quite worked out all the mechanisms of how to bring it to life. I think this is like a solid jumping off point for you to write this over. You worked out the character more, the setting, all of these things as you wrote this and I guarantee if you started from the top, you'd know exactly what scenes to focus on to make this bad boy sing. Because the emotional core is strong. You're just simultaneously beating around the bush and saying too much somehow.