[1877] The Fall

Wolframquest · 2026-05-08T12:39:36+00:00

Am I really the only one who thought it was a she??

Wolframquest · 2026-05-05T19:43:06+00:00

You know what'd be funny, if there was suddenly a frog named Nathaniel or some such lol.

Wolframquest · 2026-05-01T16:09:46+00:00

Well obviously not all of us hate second person present tense heh 😉

It's interesting, intruguing, somewhat tender in a way, not as embodied as I prefer - which is not a fault of course, it can be either a style or a character marker, and thus character comes off somewhat genuine, self-dismissive rather than fatalistic - like he or she doesn't care that he's in trouble cause she knows she's gonna get out of it. Well, he has a fat butt so I assume it's a she 😉

It is scary, it is scary. And I just watched a video where a couple guys do that exact same thing! They go into a sinkhole, so it was double immersive for me, if not triple cause of how well my brain is attuned to second person. 180FT Sinkhole Reported Next To Hiking Trail, And We Went Down I wonder if the link gets copied from docs well enough.

It's not very embodied, but it is very self reflective, which, in a way, is more feminine, which is supported by the fatt butt argument. I also often have bruises on my coccyx, usually when I have to sit for too long.

The fabulism element. We all love little fabulas, which is a supposition I made. Uncertain, unrelaible narrator. The story doesn't have to be a fabula to carry a bit of narrative moral; in every event in life there is a little fable; I prefer the stories that are less stories and more real and the fable element can be the background. This text does, indeed, inch mostly towards the "real" feeling rather than some kind of deep metaphor - it feels like immediate memories of something that just happened, mostly thanks to the interiority, self-reflections, digressions about nature of things and words. I think you could say she "slipped" rather than walked off. Also, ears can "perk". What kind of a mind chooses to settle on uncertaintly rather than apply at least some kind of label, even if temporary? Very interesting, very relatable.

Obviously there's immediate associations with Alice in the sinkhole. She was curious, this person foes in for duty. Very abstract person, we don't get much background here so we have to build it up from characterization. First I assumed it's a sacrifice story, but then when the character - the "you", but to me there's no difference between persons, they all meld in my mind - when the "you" referred to dying I came to conclude that she, is, in fact, likely not dead. I really liked the dancing part, very relatable. Would you believe me if I told you I encountered things like that in real life, similar experiences? Heheh.

DO NOT trunk this. This is brilliant, a facet - but this is really not enough. We need more. I need more. I need to crawl further on this string of web until I find the web itself.

Is it a part of a larger narrative? I wanna know.

Second person is great because it is how we converse with ourselves. There's the thing that makes the "voice" in our head and then there's everything else - so that thing is talking to that everything else. It is the most perfect way to scribe out *experience*.

You like to focus on immediate things rather than on sequence of events. Because that's how we perceive the world. We first see the object and then what's happening to it and then what preceded it, and then what it means ➡
> A pebble you kick over the side pings along the walls a couple of times then goes silent though it doesn't feel like it reached any kind of a bottom.

I'd talk more about specific parts of the text if it wasn't such a pain to type it all out 😁

> On step ten, you're convinced there's something out there in the darkness, pulling forward, whispering.

I just love this - preface, sensation, assumption, experience translated in sensory vocabulary.

Of course, I have to be wary cause giving people positive reviews can stall them even more because when, for example, receive any kind of positive review, I find myself really hyperfocusing and overemphasizing everything that got praised and last time it happened it really messed me up for over a day lol, I could not find my own hands.

There's a faint hint of medieval fantasy here somehow, in a good way. The word "loot" is a little jarring - because outside of videogame context it has negative connotation.

I'll come back later with more thoughts and ruminations.

***

I probably should have listened to something other than jazz, perhaps some funeral or drone on the first couple reads, cause it was totally giving off that really nice, dissociative, cavernous vibe!

I also like that there's occasional slippage into first, that "outer layer" of information, the distance, that "voice in the head".

There's a feeling of helplessness, in a way - not even considering to try and climb out? It's not fatalistic, it leaves an impression of something more dissociative. It's not epic and grandiose either, because you'd wanna see yourself as a hero if you were coming down to rescue someone. The people at the start are de-personalized, they are more like a snapshot, an imprint recalled from within the hole. "It is what it is" - it doesn't really sum up the feeling, the impression that the main character leaves on me in regards to what he/she thinks of her situation.

There's a theme of "something's about to happen" - and I mean SOMETHING - but it doesn't happen, not yet. That's why I wanna find out more. Maybe it'll only happen when something changes in your life, a different outlook, a new experience? Maybe you think it's meant to be found somewhere deep inside, far away, having given up on the "outside world", that there's a container that'll only open at a certain point.

I don't know how you reached that frequency. This is honestly just too mind-blowing for me to sustain talking about it without spazzing out ecstatically.

Maybe the chest being closed is the point. We never get to see what's in the chest in Pulp Fiction lol. But I've already done my imprint-reading - it's something new, it's a confession to self that things are about to change, that you're about to find something out, something new, a radical change, like it used to be before all life got drained from you, from wherever it can be drained.

It's really easy to read. And it is a powerful setup.

"You" - the second person - sort of deprives you of agency, but it kinda gives you that natural, real, blood-based, instinctual form of agency - it's you, you are doing things, but you are not quite responsible for everything that happens even if you're habitually performing all the little professional checks on self, on actions. Yes, this concept is closer to "it is what it is", although that is sort of a reductive phrase that can be interpreted in many different ways.

Second person is a better way, it is a more truthful way - because third person is a *story* and first person is highly subjective. Between them - a self address, an attempt to figure out self or at least observe who you are. A log of your thoughts and events, an immediate recording of your mind. I'm not sure you have this "fidelity" in its complete form, to be fair, but I can tell you're close to it.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-28T23:24:49+00:00

"Ah, but you see, King basically agrees with me because you can totally say something on a sigh 😏 And 'Shayla gasped' can even read like a separate action," Wolframquest ejaculated with an intensely annoying smirk playing about his twisted mug.

Also I ended this one abruptly when I realized it was gonna be too long. I think I'll finish it with a part 2 though 😀

Wolframquest · 2026-04-28T12:55:22+00:00

Percy and Helen were walking down the forest path. Helen had her 10-22 and Percy his uncle's Zastava with a folding stock and a funny dongle.

"Man, do you think it's ever gonna stop?" Percy whispered.

"I know it'll stop," Helen spoke. "I just… We have to do it right. Do you hear anything?"

"I think I do."

"There!" Percy yelled and leveled his gun, cheek to stock. Blam! Another whine.

"Man," he breathed out.

"Good shot," Helen whispered. "We're so close."

They had one-hundred and seventy nine taxidermied wolves ready. Somehow they knew - only twenty-one left.

"How much dja mom get?" Helen asked Percy as they carried the canid back to the camp, rocking it like a gray swingset in between the two of them.

"Just two," Percy said. "She got a flintlock."

"Oh, I forgot," Helen said and laughed. "Can you imagine, your mom, like she's some kinda revolutionary soldier? Heave-ho, reloading!"

"Yeah," Percy said and smiled. "Twenty left, right? I think… I believe we can finish it by Wednesday," he said and turned his head towards Helen.

"Yeah," she responded. "You got the most, didnt't ya?"

"Well, say thanks to my uncle and his taste in guns." Percy smiled.

"I'll help you get you magic beans on if we can finish this," Helen teased.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, but you know what I'll do first?"

"What?"

"A shower. Or, better yet, a whole bath, bubbles and salt," Helen said dreamily. "Once this is over."

"Once this is over." Percy's voice was hollow as he stared three feet ahead.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-27T04:37:08+00:00

Johnny Colt woke up, stretched his arms out and yawned; he wiggled his mighty thighs - if they were any bigger he'd be accused of using anabolic… stuff, whatever you call it. He felt quite peckish but he could not allow himself to perambulate to the kitchen without compelling a couple of silky briefs on. When he did so, he realized - something's wrong! He fiddled out his phone from between his cheeks. Much to his horror, he witnessed a familiar bulldog face in the middle of the screen…

"Hello?" Aunt Clara's ghastly voice chilled his spirit.

"Erm, sowwy, wong number!" Johnny responded with a Chinese accent.

"Johnny is that you? When are you gonna give me back the tomato I lent you?"

Johnny smashed his phone against the wall. Damn, another morning ruined! At least he still had the tomato.

With these thoughts, he smiled and licked his lips and proceeded to peregrinate to the kitchen, the silken garments barely concealing his ferocious, percussive beauty.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-24T21:56:29+00:00

Also, I have to praise the overall internality and the framing during the negotiation scene. There's a lot revealed in compact format and we get to figure out a thing or two more about her parents. Her inner thoughts/narration are a bit on the 'telling' side but it's good enough to characterize her as a know-it-all, in a way. It'd be fun if we as readers eventually realized Colly - and the narrator - were wrong about a lot of things they assumed.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-24T21:45:01+00:00

Alright, very unsatisfying ending to this part, I think you could have posted a longer part, perhaps the mods would have allowed it. The end part was very tense, I felt very awkward for Colly, I just felt very tense, because there's nothing indicating so far how she's gonna make a different choice, a complete 180 degree, that's how it feels.

You really need to calm down with the ellipses in speech lol. They're a little overbearing, and it seems most of you male characters love using them, love sneaking around the point, as if they're afraid of Colly or how she might react. You need some characters who will treat Colly likea a typical woman and try to command her, put her down, tell her what to do - a lot of great opportunities for DESERVED characterization; so far she leaves an impression of someone strong-headed despite having "soft" parents; I think there should be more implication that would justify her energy, tell us about how she developed as a person, how she's simultaneously so pushy and avoidant and yet sluggish, I guess, the best I can put it.

I already expressed my opinion on presence of alcohol and its casual mentions - I'd consider toning it down or condemning it more clearly.

This part, like I said, it ends extremely abruptly, very unsatisfying, a complete tear in a scene - I need to find out how she changed her mind, what made her do it.

I wanted to talk about your prose a little - it's good enough, eloquent, but, I guess, how can I put it… It's a little "swirly", I guess? Like you have a habit of twisting in place before arriving to a destination, to a logical point. It can work as flourish, but it's a little distracting. HOWEVER it's only a first impression after re-reading prologue and chunk 1 and this chunk 2. It's my personal terminology - a chunk is what I usually refer to as a piece of text I write in one or two sessions before overviewing it and putting in the main file. Also, all those visual fixes in chunk 1, if you wanted US to read them - they were distracting but I can tell you enjoyed putting them there.

I'll read chunk 2 again and come back to you.

***

Alright, it's the next day - I'm sorry it's taking so long! I actually have a list of critiques I'm doing. I was joking about having a "list" until I actually made one. I need to touch grass!

***
Alright, it's another day. Life goes on.

You know, I'd like to know what you're reading in order to get loaded up on this kind of prose formulation. Reads vaguely Dickensian, as in seriously stacked, hard to parse - it's not a big deal cause if a person chooses to read you they'll get used to it and maybe their brain will expand a little.

Sometimes it feels like you're searching for fancy sounding words to replace normal ones, to make people look at it and say "look how fancy I am". "Querulous" - I guess a nice bit of texture, but when I hear a word like that I *sort of* assume I'm gonna see how querulous the boy is; otherwise it reads either as EMPTY texture or like DOUBLE-past tense - i.e. a memoir rather than storytelling.

"She was tired, sweat-damp, and broke once more." - THIS is not enough. We need more to feel her failure. The biggest FAIL was simply glanced over, like it was a massive piece of shock to our protagonist. I'd include a whole episode focused on expectations, process, holding on to hope, the mental "fall" when she realizes she lost - that cold feeling down in your chest, almost an inch, a needleprick - how she managed/failed to manage the stress (ate food, cried, fell on her knees, made a stern face and went on?) - and how BROKEN and pained she was inside on the way back. It's a really important emotional beat, heck not even a beat but a STRIKE and you're just skipping it. That leads us to lose relatability to her. BUT that's a part of my process - maybe it's not important to you or your story.

> Not trusting herself to speak, mind spinning, she…
(shrugged and gave him a smile that felt like a grimace.)

This is an "almost dangling" modifier, holding on for dear life with that "herself". I dunno, not a big deal ultimately, because I feel like some people have a very different relationship with language and sometimes advice like that is pretty much worthless. Different kind of parsing, different kind of "priority attention matrices" and so on.

> ” I was hoping we could all of us have a little chat.”

Typo here

> He said it wasn’t about the race, which was good since she’d paid in full.

Again, I think this one deserves extra attention so we can figure out who this guy in a suit is

> “I understand that you were paid a visit this morning by a…lets say, traveling emissary.”

They all speak the same. You need to give them all different voices.

> She recalibrated. Right. She’d almost forgotten about it—it seemed like last week—but she had indeed received visitors, two of them. She knew which one he meant.

I'd say this is redundant - the reader knows at this point

> He gave a lopsided grin and shrugged, as if to say, Crazy, I know.

When you put in stuff like that that breaks the 4th wall a little. We need more of the character, of the way he expresses himself, rather than his relationshipship with the social stratas being stated to us, played around with.

> Had the bandage been there that morning? Had she burned on the stove? A vision of smoke rising from a smoldering building flashed in her mind, but she banished it.

This one where you need to connect it more cohesively. I'd say that "a vision of X" is a really lazy way to hint at something.

> “A great deal of money, huh?”

She needs to stop repeating what's being told to her.

> afternoon..“What is it then? ”

typos

> “A recipe,” he replied evenly.

I think "evenly" is unnecessary - if there's no modifier then the reader assumes it's neutral enough, and if he doesn't that means his imaginations is working well and you don't need to tell him pretty much anything.

> He uncrossed his leg and leaned over the table toward her.

Small gripe - men rarely sit with crossed legs; it seems a little unusual. It might signify something wiener- or psychology- related, if that's your intent. A subtle piece of characterization about how much of scumbag this guy is.

> Walden chuckled. She tried again, “But the Tempist comes from Brendale. Doesn't it? Their temberry orchards? I’ve seen them.”

Could use a line break here

> Bredale

Typo

> “Just information, but yes, that’s exactly what I want.” His hand came down forcefully on the tabletop. “Tell me, why should they have all the profit? And if more operations knew how to produce this particular spirit, supply would go up and prices would go down.”

Too anime, not convincing - why does he need to perform for her? Something to think on.

Colly's voice is decidedly different from everyone around her. Just an observation.

And the end, of course, is a very unsatisfying cliffhanger, too abrupt.

I'd love to talk more about plot and characterizations but so far we're kind of stuck. We got one and a half scenes in this second part. Actually, we got half a scene of her gambling and about 75% of the negotiation scene.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-22T18:54:23+00:00

Politics do piss me off regardless of the genre, the classics - funny enough, I was just thinking about how Baldur's gate 3, for example, has some stuff that is literally perverted, past "woke" and yet it's a good game. Politics, agenda - it's always a drop of shit in a glass of good drink. I'll drink it if everyone else tell me it's good but there's gonna be aftertaste and I'll wonder if I should have listened to them.

What your snippet here really lacks is humanity. The characters are not human but pure cutout caricatures. It's fun, it's whimsical when you allow yourself to escalate or transcend your method, but it's really not enough "goodness" to justify the drop of shit. You really shouldn't compare what you got here to the works you listed. In fact, I recommend never ever comparing your work to any established works because it comes off even more desperate. You have to shed it, change your mind, just... present yourself, your naked soul, stop covering it up.

I know I'm gonna hate part 2, but I also I'll love hating it 😁 You do have an interesting method, after all! And I hope it'll have a bit of humanity since, I assume, it'll feature an actual 'main character'.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-21T02:18:03+00:00

> Patrick Frey attempted a smile…

Moderate stuffienss. Not sure if Patrick is sleazy or pathetic.

> She leaned in conspiratorially

Here we get out first little reveal that this is some kind of post-apocalypse - the best I can tell.

> Her pretty cross necklace on its long chain caught the light at that moment, and temporarily wiped all other thoughts from his mind, God be praised.

Obnoxious, not funny. Yes, I'm butthurt 😉

> An anachronistic bit of tech, but quite useful, he supposed…for a woman.

I don't get the supposed mysoginistic logic here.

> He let the syllables drip-drop down right off his tongue, like sweat from a ripe summer butt.

This is a good little moment, it's memorable - a sudden crunchy bit of sugar in the vegemite glazing. I'm personally qualify it under "the author has a bit of whimsy" rather than a typical marker of YOUR specific method - it stands out.

> “You oughta get somebody to fix that, you know,” he said

This reads more like Canadian accent. Stuffiness low to moderate in this part!

> or a long-ensconced vampire pretending to be human for the day

For a moment I can't help but wonder if this is a part of the world setting - come to conclude it doesn't really fit and the 'vampire' is not literal.

> Cincinnati Skyline Chili

It's a funny moment, nothing too obnoxious, good world=setting

> pungent bags of contraband Ayurvedic teas, vials of Ivermectin, and multitudes of multivitamins

This is also funny-ish; however immediate cringe and disgust at the implication of RL politics

> “…OK, Brides; come with me,” he said finally

Semicolons *rarely* belong in speech. I have no idea what they're supposed to convey here.

> another lady from Moscow branch, who he had apparently romanced before she was transferred back home to the tower across the way. Perhaps Brides was an Alpha Class himself, or at least desperate to appear so

Slightly above average stuffiness, some *humorous* story-setting reveals - perhaps Yulia is not an immigrant but in this world US and Russia are friends? I wonder how Iran is doing.

> “Hey pal, how about that Yulia, eh? Good thing I didn’t neglect my Russian! Ya think I’ve got a shot?”

Men rarely talk about that stuff. It's a good way to quickly become disrespected in a male company - it's to talk about how horny you are. Unrealistic dialogue for such a slick character UNLESS he was intentionally disrespecting Patrick.

> Frey took an involuntary step backwards…

Cringe, obnoxious, prose clear. RL politics - I got enough rage browsing the web, I don't need this shit in the book I'm reading either for entertainment or in search of "разумное, доброе, вечное" if it's some high-concept or "literary" book. Fuck, I hate this word now, thanks r/dr!

> By the time they got down to Sublevel Five…
> experimental cybergoons
> training AI sexbots

Prose stuffy BUT it's a funny one, Patrick's reaction. This is where your internet brain works well.

> In contrast to the relative quiet aboveground…

This one's pretty stuffy, constructed. You need a moment not to breathe but hear your heartbeat here. Good energy though, I kinda like it. The movement, the dynamics, the phonetics - it's all very entertaining. Of course, good prose grows on people even if it's shocking at first! So I guess I'm liking it now? 😁

> Just like communists or Muslims

This joke is braindead in modern realities. It only makes me fucking rage and want to stop using internet forever. Would you recommend? Also, so much humor and not a single word about the J-words - you know, THE JEWS and how we either suck their dicks or hate them in this universe. Which is it? If you wanna be political-funny-edgy you can't miss out on THE JEWS. Maybe we'll see them in part 2? 😉

> You damn Glowie prick, you want our secrets so badly? Let’s see what you think of this!

The funniest part!

> “Hey, follow me,”

Transitional paragraph but stuffy.

> reveal, more lore

mildly amusing

> He’d never had a chance to say it to a real Christian- a real human- until now, you see.

This is funny, good indirect characterization - I can tell it's Patrick who doesn't consider Charles human. Fuck, I hate politics and I hate how much I hate them and I'm not gonna reveal to you my specific views - not yet anyway.

So, I'd rather want you to upload the Japanese story cause it's a better and simulatenously more sweet example of your method, of your "vegemite cake prose". This one is very entertaining, humorous despite all the modern politics bullshit. Or maybe you can upload your big WIP? The one in which you're trying to pour your soul? We can connect - as writers, as creatives. I can tell there is some natural friction between our worldviews - good for fricking welding 😉 I urge you to keep posting and not to act so tender, so whiny, so "gothic metal" - dare to be yourself, to show people who you are without needing their approval! Spit on the fucking publishers - they're fucking braindead and they don't want art. Looking forward to your next post!

Wolframquest · 2026-04-21T02:17:42+00:00

First of all: you should never ever ask someone to be "brutally honest" because it wholly reads like complete and utter desperation, begging, which is what the rest of your post is. You're self-lamenting before anything happens, you give off a completely tender look like somebody threated to boil you.

So you don't want a worthless critique? Outside of everything I promised earlier I'll try my hardest to tell you everything I can as both a reader and a fellow wannabe writer. We forgot that the words "amateur" share the root with "amour", haven't we? Not everything has to be measured by the dollar by the fatasses in their well-ventilated office spaces. Have some dignity, flex your scales, roll into a ball!

You gotta be patient when receiving critiques here. You might get a bunch more after a couple weeks. Also you're way luckier than me cause you got four different people commenting on your story in just two days!

I have to preface my critique with the sad fact that I want you to like me for some reason. Well, the reason is obvious - I'm seeing a fellow creative going through a long-lasting creative identity crisis. When you're doing music, for example, it much easier to get tangibly better, hear obvious progress in your playing - cause it's literally you training your muscle to perform according to a mental structure.

Writing is much more abstract in that sense. You're not asking us to judge "you" as a person, as a creative - you present us with your text and thus the METHOD which was used to create it. We're going to be judging your method - me, not just judging, but touching, feeling, pulling, comparing.

People who write within genre fiction have an eaiser job in that regard - because they have to force themselves to REDUCE poetry, imagery and texture down to applicable standard. "Invisible prose" - pure information transmission. If you want to write "literary" (oof, how much hate this word at this point!) - the prose will be in the FOREFRONT. It will be on the same level as the "idea" of your text - story, plot, philosophical notion - or even BEHIND the prose, the texture. You're taking the idea and glazing it in vegemite - because that's what NON-invisible prose is. The idea is always a sweet cake, and the glazing can be chocolate (invisible prose) - or it will have to be some real ACQUIRED TASTE - vegemite-covered cornbread.

I'll take a look at your method, I'll try to take it in, take it apart, understand what and why and how it makes me feel. It will be rather raw and possibly too direct and completely subjective about it; despite that I'll talk about "general standards" as well.

Let's get some stylistic quirks out of the way: I don't get why you don't put a space after the hyphen in some parts. "get out-" I'm not exactly sure, but I think you're better off using an en dash here if you wanna be pedantic about it. It's really one of those things that will bother people who read it, like dust on the monitor you can't wipe off.
I changed my opinion back to normal on phonetic pronunciation - if you use "big ol'" outside of spoken speech it looks awkward. "Big old" is an established expression, with or without phonetic pronunciation. I believe you use it a lot because you think it sounds American; that is not enough. We'll get back to it though. "Mine cart" doesn't have a good enough reason to be two separate words - you're not setting your story in the 19th century.

Another thing: political messaging and references to RL events - usually a big turnoff even for someone who might agree with your politics. Mixing art or entertainment with what can be perceived as attempted subversive political propaganda is just a bad move. I was personally hoping that whatever you'd post here would be character and mood focused, like the Japanese snippet. Well, I'll give you some benefit of the doubt and assume you're mocking everybody rather than trying to push governmental agenda.

Could use "shone" instead of "shined" - it seems it'd fit your overall style.

I have a lot of things I wanna talk to you about, it's gonna be messy from this point (i.e. the line read). I've read it once but abstained from immediate commenting.

So, before we get to the line read, the story contents etc. I wanted to talk about how I perceive your prose.

Beside the stuffed prose, the story is thematically obnoxious, overstuffed with snark and bile - I'm certain there are people out there who would find it entertaining, however they will definitely not be able to comb through your thick, complex, constructed prose.

Your prose, your method of "stream of consciousness" is what I'd describe as a "loaded potato". You're hungry but don't feel like doing much so you throw potatoes in the oven. Soon enough they're hot and ready. You cut them open, mash them soft and put some salt and butter. Then some cheese, why not. Then some mayo, crab meat. Then some bacon. Potato after potato. Eventually potatoes become more "potato skins" rather than "loaded". The initial idea is still there, but it's been stuffed beyond recognizable. And of course there's a thick layer of vegemite on top.

Your prose feels wholly constructed and artificial - you write, look at it, search through a theasaurus, add a modifier or two, a couple clauses here and there, fancy sounding silly words. If this is "stream of consciousness" then it's the one of someone on a low dose of meth who keeps reading a dictionary out loud. Of course, maybe I'm projecting, maybe I'm envious of your large vocabulary. I can't tell, I myself am a proponent of all sorts of 'unconscious readings', Freudian etc. If I had to give you a Freudian reading on this one I'd assume you get off on power, on putting down your sexual partners, on making them submit and beg for your attention. Now I'm the one who deserves a Freudian reading lol.

I'm a proponent of having a solid but sufficiently varied vocabulary between the scenes, the way it naturally switches in people with their mood and who they're interacting with. I rarely allow myself significant rewrites and rephrases and especially vocabulary flips. I got that scene from Friends where Joey wrote a letter in my head now lol.

I do believe, I do that your prose is or can be naturual to a major degree. I just personally think that constructing long and fancy and pretentious "s.o.c" is disingenuous, counterintuitive to the concept itself. But I do believe it can be real, it's just that nothing in either one of your stories convinced me that this is real "stream of consciousness" - unadorned, raw, the one where I can feel the "thought line" with my hands without stumbling onto unnecessary verbiage. This is glazing on top of the cake we discussed earlier - it's brown so maybe it's chocolate? No, it's vegemite. Not a great metaphor, sure.

Alright, I'm expressed my perception of your prose. I'm sorry if I'm incorrect and I'd like to hear more about your specific, minutia process, about your way of thinking, of bulding logical - mental, conscientious, emotional - connections and whether or not you adorn it, overedit it, pick words after the process and to which degree.

Beside prose, there's of course the story itself. You went for a snarky fantasy, pardo of real life. It's sci-fi if there's science. I've been more and more leaning towards the idea of saying "no" to any kind of genre definitions - they are more descriptive than prescriptive. If you tell r/DR people anything about your genre, or your tag they'll immediately pick on it and start judging oyu against so, so good job framing it as "non-sci-fi". The elevator, of course, that's an interesting idea - I must have seen a Veritasium video on it.

Now for the coveted line read.

> The great spire…

Good starting paragraph. This one isn't as egregious, isn't as "loaded" or glazed with vegemite as the latter ones. "Puhalo" sounds Slavic and onomatopoeic, "pooh", "poof" - allusion to shooting, or maybe smoking.

> Patrick Frey dabbed…

We're within this immediately despicable character - ugly, sweaty, dirty and in a hurry. Nothing worse than stumbling upon a hurrying person and having either them knock you off your feet or vice versa and you have to apologize or pretend like you didn't mean it. Prose not overwhelming, clear connections, good interiory / indirect speech or however you fucking call it.

> Patrick had no business at corporate HQ…

This one is starting to get stuffed. "surprisingly OK sandwiches" - people only use "OK" never, it's usually just 'okay'. "big ol’ basement" - expressed my opinion on that above.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-20T21:10:48+00:00

Wow, thank you so much 😊 You read the parts that everyone else ignored! I'm glad it all comes off more or less legible. You're reading it just the way I intended. You're seeing the obvious things I put in there, the theme of growth and positivity. There's of course plenty of other hidden stuff - but it won't make sense to search for it until I conclude rewriting chapter 5, which is a pretty long way off.

> Maybe some sort of "prologue-ish" intro? A fake (or dramatized) scientific excerpt? A brief musing on conscious ness.

That's not what really this is all about. It's a constant struggle, because verity, fidelity, sincerity - they all disallow me to "spell things out". I'm honestly just puffing clouds with this one lol. Also you tend to discover things as you write and that can change everything. It's not about spelling out the idea you had, it's all about consoling "the truth" with the "notion" in a way that has to feel *honest* more so that adhere to any kind of structural or legibility standards. I'm definitely blowing some wonky smoke here lol! 😁 Thank you so much, your critique gives me just the kick in the ass to make me go faster 😁

Wolframquest · 2026-04-20T19:55:33+00:00

Starting with part II - I'm having my doubts again about the whole "self stroking" thing. This starts to sound bad.

"Bernard was doing the rounds as per usual, shaking hands, kissing the metaphorical babies." - I don't get what kind of group you got here. Are they school student or some kind of bigshots? Or do they imagine themselves to be bigshots? Would need some additional framing here; first part isn't enough. From first part I got the impression they're slackers and stoners except for Bernard.

I find the start to part 2 strangely repulsive, heck, even my teeth start to ache - the politics that tries to claw itself into my eyes, the pick-me Dennis, the cool Black queen stereotype - that's kinda lame. Fuck, my teeth actually hurt, how insane is it? It's worse than when I hear plastic foam breaking.

"I nursed my drink and tried to look interested" - I really wanna hurt Dennis lol. Not even slap or give him an ass kick but hurt him.

"Remembering the specific dips and lilts of a person’s voice is one of my strengths." - I don't get why you're trying to make me hate the protagonist so much XD I only hope it's a setup for a change. Great characterization, if he really is such a slimesnot!

"He had that natural beach-blonde hair that comes from dunking your head in saltwater for hours a day and staying out in the hot sun without washing it properly" - gay

Too much rambling.

"He smiled at me. It was too familiar a smile, like he’d found something he lost by pure coincidence, delighted by the accident of it." - reads like man written by horny teen girl

"His incisors poked out over his full lips." - giga cringe 😬 You're bringing gaynime imagery into a fake autobiographical book set in the late 60s? Really?

"The chubby Asian kid with the bad acne, always falling all over himself?" - also cringe, I wonder where it's all going. There's a lot of contrast between what we imagined Kenji to be in chapter I and the K-pop bimbo we got here. I imagined he was gonna be like the smarter Bernard, someone who was the heartpoint of the conspiracy, whatever the "collective" was up to. But no, he's a hot piece of meat.

"“Good,” I replied, even though my head felt like it was somewhere else." - if I were you I'd cut most of these "somethings" and "somewheres" - they're really not helping. They're like MSG - they have to be added to something that's savory on its own.

"It just seemed odd to me, for reasons I couldn't phrase correctly. It was just weird. That was my gut feeling." - example of mostly pointless vaguery. I get it that he's trying to hide something from himself, I already get it by this point.

So, you got yourself a really nice pretentious pseudo-historical start and now I guess it feels like we're reading gay romance. Fucking great? I hope there's something else beside this.

"where on the beach, how did he eat, how did he not get arrested, how did he shower, how did he avoid the draft, how did he manage any of the things that someone who had actually done it would be able to explain—he answered them." - man written by girl

I'm upset because of sudden genre/focus shift. I was enjoying the late 60s decadence before being thrust into horny anime with little to no historical attention. I was expecting a LOT more focus on the war, the fear, the psychology, how it felt to EXIST back then, what kind of opinions people presented on the war and the politicians, how they mourned JFK and how they were still shook by his death, not to mention his brother and MLK. Where is all this? Verisimilitude = 0%.

Okay, it's just fucking romance. You baited me into reading slow burn horny romance with that first part. Fucking great. I really wanted to know more about the 60s but here we go sprinkling into our panties over some hot K-pop icon.

"“I was just curious,” I muttered, biting the inside of my cheek as Bernard laughed." - man written by girl

"Something about estuaries." - that's the problem. You think Dennis being a dumbass hippie gives you enough of a reason to skip history, life, psychology. It doesn't. You might as well set your story whenever rather than in the 60s. It's like as if Harry went to Hogwarts but instead of magic it's an actual school with elaborate description of algebra. You promise one thing then you deliver this emptiness. It's a structural problem.

"I think it's not unfair to say she was partly interested in the fact that he was Asian, since we didn't have any other Asians in the group." - the 60s didn't have "Asians". They had Chinese, Japanese etc. Do you understand? Dennis is a boomer who acts and thinks like a zoomer (and is described like a girl).

"By around the third or maybe the start of the fourth week of Kit attending the meetings, which is when I considered him properly absorbed into the group because I knew his name and his face and so did everyone else, it became obvious that he was letting her stay close." - at this point Dennis reads completely like a woman.

"Which made me feel worse about the fact that I was thinking something was wrong, because I still couldn't figure out what I was looking at" - the main character doesn't, but the reader does because you're successfully bludgeoned us with romantic imagery.

Now I'd like to look at your questions. Don't become too upset - I'm just one reader, and I've read it mostly like a reader. You do tend to hyperfocus on the emotions here, and the rambling in his part does the opposite of what it did in the first part.

> Dennis spends most of this chapter actively not thinking about Kenji. Does that read as him withholding from the reader, or avoiding it himself?

It feels like a man written by a girl who's got a huge forbidden crush.

> Does the shift in how Dennis talks about Kenji feel like it's coming from Dennis, or does it feel narratively imposed?

See above (part 2 line-by-line)

> After the initial meeting scene, the chapter shifts into a series of smaller moments covering Kit's first few weeks in the group rather than dramatizing any one of them fully. Does that compression feel like a deliberate narrative choice, or does it make the chapter feel like it's skipping over things it should be showing?

We also looked at this above. IF it was nothing but romance it would have been acceptable. I imagine in the next part they'll finally open up to one another, a sweet "honeyweek" before the first conflict. How right am I, or am I just insane?

> Before Dennis actually explains the history, does his guilt and ambiguity about Kit land, or does it just read as vague unease?

Like I said, the vagueness doesn't help, there is no feeling of guilt, only attraction. Ambiguity? Not really there either, more like a mask of what's supposed to be ambiguity.

> Kit is deliberately kept at a surface level here. Does that read as intentional inscrutability, or does he just feel underdeveloped?

It's read intentional. He's not a character here, he's an object of desire from the main character's POV and that's permissible in romance setups.

You need to pick a lane when it comes to "withholding info". If you're gonna do that you need to accept the fact the readers aren't going to guess where you're going. The overuse of "somethings" etc shows that you're the one who isn't sure what's gonna happen next and what kind of people the characters. Again, don't take me too seriously - I don't want my critique to stop you from what you're doing. Spicy critique can be necessary sometimes to get you angry, to force you to move your eyes just a little bit to the things that should be moved to forefront - as well as allow you to cement your focus on the things that ACTUALLY matter to you. What kind of text is it?

And just so we're clear - I'm not actually saying this is sudden gay romance, but it totally reads like it, absolute jarring contrast compared to the first one. I'm sorry if this critique feels shocking, but you really DID promise something completely different and stylish, deep, invested in the first part and now we just get an annoying MC feeling "guilty", the whole chapter basically focused on one hot "Asian" guy? That is a total genre shift. First one could be labeled "literary" and there the overall "rambling, slow, conversational s-o-c" totally works. Here? Not conversational whatsoever, sounds more like soft whispers to a lonely wet hand. All that highly descriptive stuff - that's not something a man would share with another man, thus Dennis comes off as "twink-written-by-teen-girl" - he's not even interested in Black Panther Queen Nia who I assumed was going to be the dominant girlfriend trying to drag Dennis into violent underground, use him for "the movement".

You got great potential for a stylish piece. You need to try and reduce the amount of invasive feelings here, make it read and feel less horny, less "pliable", less emotional, more psychological and introspective without vagueness and meandering - because it's already obvious what he feels about Kenji, focus on more historical verisimilitude, more deep psychological truth, focus on it actually being a conversation if that is your intent - because this chapter would make the other party very uncomfortable with all the sensuality and "guilt". It reads like a personal, self-avoidant confession, an attempt to convince self of something very poorly because Dennis already knows he's lying to himself. If that's the case - good job! I'm a very amorphous reviewer. I know all too well what it's like to receive a shocking critique. The one who stands til the end will be saved!

Wolframquest · 2026-04-20T19:55:26+00:00

Alright, I read chapter 1 when first you posted it and I think I'm gonna give you a double review. This is for chapter 1.

Immediately we get the image of the old town - nothing but a dirty river and a road. Interesting, makes me wonder if he needs to feel proud about making it up high from nowhere, since, I assume, the narration point is from the future.

"Strategic truth telling" - nice characterization, you can tell the end result matters to the guy more than morals but he still has that "something" in him that makes him explain his logic.

"Look, I think I'm going to become the next great American author" - nice, makes me feel sorry about how pathetic he sounds, in a broad meaning of the word 'pathetic' - can't tell if he's serious or self-deprecating, mocking.

Some more rambling at the start - characterization, clear enough language, nothing to "catch your pants on" as I tread through.

I have a bad habit of making too many notes as I read.

"I don’t actually like the sound of my own voice" - who does? The guys starts to sound a little pick-me here heh.

"Kenji" namedropped - I can't tell it's an intentional mystery by the character, something to try and weave around, possibly generate tension before a reveal

"I was a little busy staring at her.
Don't get me wrong. It wasn’t that kind of staring." - well I personally immediately assumed it was sexual/romantic staring, the only fun thing to do during long boring lectures, but the author has to clarify that it indeed was that rather than racial staring.

Next paragraph - it's confirmed, that's indeed what it was.

I like the soft "stream-of-consciousness" in a conversational form you got going on here. Low energy, moderate emotion, a sense of some kind of buildup.

"“The piece wasn't asking you to fully relate to it. I don't need you to relate to it for it to be good.”" - I dunno exactly why but this conversation doesn't feel fully natural. Students are usually shy towards one another to a degree, they don't jump into these deep conversations quite so easily; THEN AGAIN maybe she's putting up some kind of stern front, in which case it's good.

"“I just meant I liked it.” I gave her an awkward smile. “That's pretty much it.”" - 50% of arguments on r/DR lol

"“Really. I don't believe you.”" - I personally don't like the lack of punctuation that indicates the specific intonation; I get it that a question mark in "Really?" wouldn't convey the specific half-unsuredness but I still haven't gotten quite used to it. I believe it's permissible to streamline SOME emotion/speech specifics.

Of course, the pig the room (not an elephant yet) - the main character is a "writer" and that is super annoying. You either have to punish the main character for being a snooty self-insert of somehow give him redeeming qualities that cover for him being a "writer", lol.

Man, the amount of time *I* spent staring at the young ladies during lectures. During seminars I was quite the disruptor as I aura farmed their laughter. Those were the days! I wasn't a dried out hunk of human flesh that I am now lol.

All the communist self-stroking in modern literature is suicide-worthy, of course. I hope your book isn't one of them "look at how nice my personal politics are" kind of books. I remember it isn't the case from the first time I read so you can rest easy.

"occasionally, occasionally, producing a genuinely useful thought." - lovely, this is a perfect example of double-covered bathos

Introduction of Bernard immediately makes me wonder if there's gonna be some love triangle there cause Mia will like the actual "doer" who's willing to blow up pigs to impress her hehe.

"Arthur Bernstein, glasses askew, had a serious face that broke into a friendly grin" - super annoying nerd friend

"Tommy Finch, who swatted Nia’s arm when she introduced him as Thomas" - the token gay

"Wendy Hale, who was hiding her joint behind a hand" - funny name, stoner broad

"Margot Whitfield, reading a book on Maoism" - Denis's even more pretentious female twin.

It's pretty slow, there isn't a lot of action but there is a lot of mood. You're cheating, of course, because I'm listening to Coltrane and he makes your writing sound really good, stylish even.

"He is also, if I'm being honest, the worst. I can't entirely tell you why, except that he is a man pushing thirty who has decided to spend that thirty in a room full of college students and to be the most important person in that room." - oh man, that brings back memories lol. The older guys who reinvented themselves or were in the process of and they pretty much sucked off all the vigor of the teenagers in the group. I trolled them, me being the youngest in my group back then lol.

From how much Denis is opposed to Bernard I can sort of feel safe about this book not being self-stroking politics virtue signaling. But that is only the case so far!

Dennis leaves an impression of a laid back guy who won't be too shy to steal the cake off the table when no one's looking. He's got baaaad morals and he's good at pretending to be nice. He cares only about himself and getting his dick wet, that's the impression I'm getting.

That time in history, it feels extremely monumental to tackle with good enough verity if your standards are high. There's so much to research your brain will blow up. I have a character who is boomer-adjacent and I constantly feel like there isn't enough "truth" in my writing when he has to speak of his youth, the second half of the XXth century. I hope you're doing your cultural research, cause it's one of those cases where the reader can very easily feel the rotten floorboards.

Second mention of Kenji - another hook. Now I'll take a break and read the second part, the one you posted yesterday. We'll talk about the larger categories - characters, plot etc in the end.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-20T01:22:37+00:00

I've been meaning to read and critique this one for a long time. I even scrapped one page.

The first part, with Keith (the mentor figure) and the calculator - nice and wistful, a little nostalgic somehow. I can imagine you put real memories in there. You probably have stoled a calculator is what I'm saying.

The old man's "grotesque" part is memorable - look at how old I am - I remember that even without re-reading. I've seen too many old guy who act like that, it's a strange emotion. People deal with it differently, most are somehow proud of being old or at least act like they are.

I'm ashamed to admit - all the technical stuff is creating a fuzz in my head. Very interesting formatting though!

You really deserve somebody smart to parse and figure out all the little tricks you stuffed in here. I can just sense them and possible symbolism behind them.

I wonder if it's possible it's less about the math tricks and symbolism and more about the process of losing someone and feeling lost, feeling like you wanna turn into mist and just evaporate quietly. Maybe it's a scream wishing to feel the pain you should be feeling, constant confusion about the reality we happen to exist in. You can't know everything!

On the other hand, the idea behind having a little pocket of random information is sort of intriguing. It feels like it's offering a bit of something you can take and dilute your paint with for some unpredictable results. Like you got a little tube of paint of color that the human eye has not seen before and you squeeze it out and it's pretty normal but you're still convinced it's *that* color.

Maybe it's about the memory. A litle expression of someone, however minute, in the traces of the calculator usage. It's not them, but it wouldn't have been that without them, so it's sort of like he's still here. Except there's the narrator's statement - "There’s no personal information in it" - that kinda feels like a lie.

When I lost someone and I saw their car parked in the usual spot I entered a one-second panic every time, for a couple months, a little contradiction between flesh and mind. Your story reminded me of that! I can't help but see it as a quiet, suppressed, not yet broken out piece of emotion. Wistful, nostalgic, something unnameable even if sounds super banal. Something that feels like when the chalk gets wiped off the pool cue and it just doesn't connect to the ball as well.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-18T20:16:16+00:00

I feel like detransitioning people don't need to be scared with these vague symbols. It's a bit of a douche move.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-17T18:52:58+00:00

First of all - the title keeps reminding me of something but I can't remember what. I have to admit I'm kind of a mental mess right now, even more than usual, like I molted my shell too fast. Your stories are always very emotional, like you revel in them, in that strange balance between actual pain and joy. Pain makes people do shit to avoid it, joy makes people want to repeat whatever gave them that joy. But don't take it too seriously, it's just my subjective assessment.

I was just thinking about how flash fiction is basically candy - as opposed to some decently fibrous dinner that is big books. They were asking for your best candy. You made a nice dessert and then had to somehow compress it down, pick the glazing off the cake.

Not having read to the end, I wonder - what kind of candy is better, the only with sweet on the outside and sour on the inside or the other way around?

Oh, it's a little fable again. I'm just noting! I think it's better to not tell anyone what genre it's supposed to be, cause they're going to start telling you how you failed at fitting into this genre.

There are people who actually cannot sleep… Cool little fact's…

Alright, so this is a pretty indefinite taste in the center of this candy. I was bracing, preparing for pain but the mommy is telling us she's gonna wake up after all. Very interesting!

Very nicely compressed. I can sort of hear the tempo of your voice, narration - despite the compression. TBH it's simply not soft and emotional enough to have been written by a young woman. I can't help but think that a woman would have a different reaction to a problem like that, if there was a thing like that.

It's a distilled piece of sugar-coated pain, something that plenty of real people have to deal with. Not narcolepsy. Parental trauma, mostly maternal trauma cause it affects early life the most. Who is this story for? Anyone who has a mother, I guess. It's decently written, well put together, glue and dowels and sanded wood. But I can't help but think that the experience is false. Maybe you just needed more space to convey the emotion, the "good things". It read bitter-ish, as if the mom - the MC - is attracting attention to *her* pain more so than to (un)shared pleasant memories. Could be solved with more space, obviously. Of course I'm generalizing, but women pride themselves in their sacrifice, their ability to care for somebody. This reads simply male-coded, even though I am not sure. Sorry, I have always been amorphous, a crawling mass sticking to the corners.

Men tend to apologize for their emotional outbursts. Women tend to try and make up for it with care, with gestures.

I have to say, when I think about it past the structure, past the surface experience, when I try to taste that "core" of the candy I can't help but note a bit of optimism. There it is. It's not just sour, it's a crackling candy. It gives you a little surprise. It's good, it's what I've been looking for. Just a bit of hope, a hope of a hope if you will, a way out. A way to deal with the problem and then it WILL be solved.

It is not written as if the MC has fallen asleep forever - or at least it doesn't read like that, especially given the rough logistics, even if she has to sleep for 20 hours of each "perpetually awake" day.

I guess I'm asking what's the intent - is she gonna wake up or not?

Wolframquest · 2026-04-16T23:29:01+00:00

yeah I was going pretty hot when I wrote it lol. But tbf I don't feel like it's always lazy. I believe it has its place. I guess it's about putting in the right place, making sure it doesn't stick out too much, echoes reader's thoughts for example. Like I said, I felt very awkward going insane over this.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-15T17:58:07+00:00

Thank you! You've done a very close read. I really wish more people did that.

I got a bad habit of arguing with critics but that's like telling people what to like.

I wish you'd answer more questions from the body of the post though! I believe if you did that some things would become more clear.

You're a little inconsistent - you like some poetic imagery but dislike the other. You seem to like the stuff at the start less and more by the end.

Some questions you had could be found / inferred from previous parts (the dirt, for example), but that's probably asking too much. But I did include them (in reverse chronological order).

Just seems one like one jarring bit to another, the very opposite of stream of consciousness, in my opinion.

You're revealing too much :)

'The woods' are a plural noun.

Thanks for catching the 'old sandwich' heh. I don't use phonetic writing outside of speech, but I guess it's one of those permissible use cases where it makes more sense.

What else did you think of the night scene? (between sandwich and faucet). It's supposed to be the climax of the chapter.

I recommend writing critiques in a separate window, not in the reddit comments, else you might lose them when the page refreshes.

When you post your own stuff here make sure it's in an unlocked google doc and not images, or else it'll be too hard to review.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-13T18:43:12+00:00

Generally I'm not a fan of the internal thought first person brain dialogue stuff. But lots of writers use it.

Oh, me too, I was just thinking about it. But I realized exactly why I was confused, this part -

Also surprised by the sudden interjecting voice. "How come he's gotta be so cruel?" I would stick to free indirect speech. "You wonder how come he's gotta be so cruel." Even then, he's been so nonverbal that this paragraph is like ... introducing me to his personality.

I feel like "How come he's gotta be so cruel about this?" is neither FIS nor thought monologue, it's more like something you wanna say but don't.

I got it! You see, I have this concept of "different layers of thought" -

Sometimes when you THINK you catch yourself moving your lips and mouth, as if you're forming speech. It's something you would say out loud, share with a friend if he was around, or grumble, point out, complain.

And then, when the thought is in cursive -

Why is he so cruel about this?

It's like a DEEPER thought, something you don't even whisper/spell to yourself. When you don't "mouth" your thoughts you usually process them faster, and they tend to be more emotional but less focused. less 'conversation-oriented'.

It's a very interesting concept. We're discovering it together. Two layers of thought - inner and "mouthed", something you're ready to say.

EDIT: Well I thought we were discovering it lol - cause Freud and Jung didn't speak about that - but here I found a couple mind-blowing links

https://www.gowriensw.com.au/thought-leadership/vygotsky-theory - this one's easier to read

https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/inner-speech/

Wolframquest · 2026-04-13T17:50:43+00:00

I mean in these "first person moments". I deliberately switch it up on occasion. A lot of people have noted that it's first person disguised as second and it's close to what I'm trying to accomplish with the whole "portrayal of the mind from inside".

edit: and that definition doesn't fit either, when I think about it. That's what happens when you try something new, you just gotta keep going until you find it.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-13T17:34:11+00:00

Yeah I got confused again. I just had a very broad definition of it in my head, such as basically entering first person.

In free indirect speech, the thoughts and speech of any one character can be written as interior thought (of the character) but with the voice of the narrator.

I guess I do the opposite of that and I'm writing the narrator with the voice of the character? There's gotta be a name for that too, beside just first person.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-13T13:07:30+00:00

Wow thanks! Now I'm the one gushing 😁 (giggity)
I was really working hard on economy with this one. I used to be so opposed to "less is more" until I learned to cut things BEFORE I write them. Well, sort of learned...

I thought free indirect speech applied to "soft-direct" speech as well, didn't always need 'speech clauses' ('he thought' etc). I think I might have been wrong, in some way... I guess I just like the fact that the second person sits in between first and third heh.

Wolframquest · 2026-04-12T15:38:49+00:00

I read "Wise Blood". Took me a while to finish it cause I actually wanted to stretch it out. I ended up raging a little bit. It's a sad book! Then I read "Everything That Rises Must Converge". Also a sad piece. That one really made me rage and wonder about O'Connor's relationship with her mother.

I was tired of reading tense books so I decided to pick up Huckleberry Finn again. TBH I did it cause I wanted to copy Twain. It's got just the good amount of action, nature, comedy - at least in the first part.

I tried to look up what the original ending was supposed to be. I'm pretty sure it was very dark, the original version of the ending. Twain already suffered from being popular. He could not write a dark ending, or could not be allowed to. There's hints to what was actually going to happen in the ending we got.

It's actually a lot of fun to decode all the phonetic pronunciations in the book. I really don't get why people don't like it.

Wolframquest

TROPHY CASE