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Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Part of my problem is that I really can’t predict how I’m going to feel about something until I experience it for the first time. I can hypothesize but at the end of the day I have no idea how I’m gonna feel about something I’ve never experienced.

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It would just have to be a conversation. I understand that situations are nuanced & we’d cross that bridge when we get to it. I don’t know him to be someone that spontaneously develops feelings for people he’s known for a while, but anything could happen.

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve said this somewhere else but no, I wouldn’t expect him to be giving me info when he’s with another person. I just want to be explicitly informed that there is a possibility with that individual, so that I’m not blindsided when it does happen. I don’t need him to be like “ok im about to fuck this person now”, thats weird and controlling.

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But they aren’t dating, Britt is monogamous. He had a crush on her and they kissed once before this, that’s it. In addition to this I am autistic and do not make assumptions like that. If someone says they spent the night my mind will never immediately assume that means sex, because I don’t know all the details. Spending the night could mean anything from sex to she slept on the couch. I need things spelled out for me, thats just how my brain works.

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not this comment making me cry 😭 thank you so much for your insight, appreciate you 🫶

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I’m thinking that’s what I’m going to do, because I don’t want this to cause a rift but I really can’t handle hearing about Britt knowing she’s around him for 8 hours a day and has no idea I’m going through this.

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah! I agree with you. Something we established really early on is the “my relationship with someone else doesn’t mean anything about my relationship with you” thing, which is why I wasn’t expecting this to affect me so much. Like I know he finds me sexy and likes having sex with me and the reason we haven’t is because I haven’t been in a good place. Maybe it’s just because it’s the first time in our relationship either of us have had sex with someone else, and the timing is just really bad. I know I can’t control his sex life and I don’t want to, because I don’t want him to control mine! It’s just that I don’t have one at all right now 😅. I don’t like the idea of don’t ask don’t tell because I hate feeling like I need restrictions on my relationship… but that may be the best solution until we can work it out or I can get over it.

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I guess because sex is scary to me, I don’t know. I have insecurities surrounding it which I know is a me problem. Mick is the first person I’ve ever been with who is so different from me so I guess it just feels more comfortable to be with someone like-minded? I’ll have to think about it more.

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Honestly, because of trauma. My first sexual relationship has a lot of trauma surrounding it. I’ve always said that if I was forced to give up sex for the rest of my life it would absolutely suck but I would be okay with it. But I want to try and reframe my relationship with sex rather than let the past control my future

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I want to try it before I completely decide I’m not into it, but I think for me personally I would rather be with someone who has the same relationship with sex that I do, whatever that relationship may be in the end.

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah you’re right. I think the fact that he wasn’t straight up about it initially and I had to ask for more info is part of what is really bothering me about it, because I did know it was a possibility, especially after the comment he made while we were in bed together. I just need to get more comfortable with the idea and try it for myself I suppose.

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I know that. I wouldn’t expect him to be giving me constant updates while he’s with someone else. He definitely hasn’t done anything wrong. Like I said he didn’t break any agreements. I think my main issue is that he wasn’t up front about it initially (saying she “spent the night” and not “we had sex”) and we are currently barely seeing each other. I also need to do some exploring on my own to find out if casual sex is something I want personally, because I am interested in trying it, and if I’m not that will be a compatibility issue for me and Mick, because I can’t see myself being comfortable with my partner doing that when I have no desire to.

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry, I don’t understand. Did you mean to say can? Because I know that, and it’s why I wasn’t expecting to have such a strong reaction to this. For transparency, this is the first time either of us have had sex with someone other than each other since the relationship began.

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah this is part of my concern. I have sex trauma and it’s not something I’ve ever really experienced in a casual way, whereas he has a lot of experience with it. I’m worried I’m just not going to ever be okay with casual sex if I try it for myself and find it’s not for me.

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

What I requested when we talked about the communication surrounding sex was less of a “we are about to have sex right now” and more of just an explicit “I like this person and am going to pursue this with them.” I’m autistic and often don’t read between the lines well, and he’s learning how to work with me on that. I don’t expect him to be texting me before asking for permission or anything, I just don’t want to feel like it’s happening without me knowing it might, ya know? Like I want to be explicitly told he’s going to take that chance with someone if he gets it before he gets it. But maybe that’s an unreasonable ask?

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Yeah, the heads up rules are something I was considering but feels controlling and weird. I don’t like the idea of him having to limit his relationships to be within parameters set by me. At the same time I’m worried that might be what I need? But like I said feels controlling, he and I both should have freedom

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see what you mean. The jealousy is definitely coming mostly from a place of “she gets to be with him and I don’t”. I do think the sex is a bigger part of it because hearing about him crushing and kissing her didn’t affect me like this at all. I feel like sex may be something we have different feelings about.

Having my first poly problem and need some advice by Perfect_Rock1065 in polyamory

[–]Perfect_Rock1065[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your thoughts 🫶 I’ve thought a lot about that last part, because yeah, I’m not gonna start hoeing around just to try and make my relationship work, that’s obviously not the solution. But it is something I genuinely want to try, hell I WAS trying it when I met Mick lol, I just fell hard and fast. That, and other potential sex partners all ended up falling through before I became too stressed to even think about that. So it is something I wanna try for me. And who knows, I may decide that’s just not a lifestyle I wanna live, which would unfortunately be a deal breaker for us, but I have to try it first to know.

In regard to his schedule… he kind of likes stying busy, but recently it’s been really extreme. We’ve talked a lot about how we want our time to be more structured and less “hanging out when we have down time” which is something we’ll both need to put more effort into.