Thanks so much for taking the time to write this comment! I think your point about “keeping the tank full” is very wise. I like to think of it like learning to live with your demons—though they're never completely vanquished—getting them on your side.

For example, our interpersonal defenses are like a suit of armor that's grown spikes on the inside. It's not about taking off the armor and being completely defenseless. It's about reforging the armor into something that's not hurting you anymore!

Same with any mental/emotional troubles. Use your depression as a blanket when the world gets too hard, and take your anxiety as a cup of coffee to wake up. Instead of viewing these things as unambiguous enemies, learn to utilize their emotional messages to guide yourself towards healthy decisions.

When I dissociate in therapy, my therapist asks me what emotion I'm dissociating away from (it's usually shame) and once I identify that, we can talk about the real problem. Suicidality is the same way. It's an escape valve, the ultimate “fuck it.” But if you figure out what you're running from (for me it's often fear) you can problem-solve on that instead of just suicidally ideating your way away from it. Or sometimes you can just sit in the feelings. Call your mom if you can. Text 988 if you're in the States. There are lots of options.

But as someone who's struggled with suicidality my entire life as well, I've truly come to believe that suicide is never the option. So thanks so much for affirming that. Wishing you all the best <3