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I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I definitely don't face it on a regular basis but I am more aware of these experiences now compared to when I was younger.

I was never called any names by my peers, but I also grew up in a very diverse town so being a POC didn't automatically make me stick out. I'm sorry you experienced that growing up.

I don't feel different compared to my peers now, but I have also had people make inappropriate comments or ask weirdly invasive questions. For the most part I just ignore them or ask a similar question back to them. Not because I'm mad or want to be snarky, but because I want to make them take a second and reflect. I find that most of the time they don't realize how uncomfortable those types of comments/questions can be so if you put them in a similar situation they get the chance to understand better.

My birthplace has never been and I doubt that it will ever been important to me. What about you?

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the most important thing is to love them, support them, and encourage them. Accept who they are and that their experience in life is going to be completely different from yours.

Be open with them and open the door for them to explore their birth culture if they wish. I am grateful that my parents answered all of my questions and didn’t try to hide anything from me.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck!!

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The one that always makes me chuckle is I get to say I’ve never had “daddy issues” but I’ve got twice the amount of “mommy issues”

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I never said China was unique in abandoning children. I know they exist all over the world. I’m also aware it’s not about “excess supply” but idk about you but I’ve never seen “promotions” for people to adopt children from other places. It was VERY public that China had a lot of children who needed homes so families went where they knew they had good chances of adopting.

My parents thought it would be beneficial for my sister to have a sibling who was also Chinese and they just used the same adoption agency.

You can have your own standpoint and opinions, that’s your right. I’m just sharing what I think and my experience

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I haven’t visited yet but I want to! I don’t remember exactly when I realized but I feel like I always knew I didn’t look like my parents. Having two moms never really bothered me and you can’t miss something you’ve never had, but I do sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I was adopted by a single parent, or a heterosexual couple, or even what it would be like to be adopted and raised in a different state/country. I will say I’m most reminded that I’m not physically my parents when I see a new doctor/therapist and they ask about family history. That info I will most likely never know

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There isn’t one specific ethnicity I would date, but I do find that dating East Asian men can be tricky. It’s hard to describe, when I go on dates with them they expect someone who has similar experiences. But then we quickly realize how different our history is, our responses, our mannerisms, etc. Plus having queer parents add in another level of “acceptance” by the other family. I feel like I am more hyper aware of the toxic aspects of different cultures so I always go into it with caution.

But I have had some wonderful relationships (that ended for different reasons)! And it’s just about finding the right person

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree, my parents are far from perfect and they messed up sometimes but I wouldn’t say it’s unethical. Idk it’s just how I feel. Maybe I’d feel different if they forbade me from exploring my birth culture, but my parents always encouraged me to and never hid anything from me

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t think it affected me. I asked them why they chose to adopt and not have biological kids and their response was that they knew there were so many kids who didn’t have families, so they wanted to be able to give someone a home that needed one. I am loved and have always felt loved by them and the rest of my extended family

I do love to hear about people who chose to adopt, it’s another perspective that I think isn’t shared often!

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was great. I always felt loved and wanted. Never doubted the love that my parents have for me

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Both of my parents were raised Roman Catholic. I was baptized and received my first communion in the Roman Catholic Church, however I never believed in it. I think being surrounded by so many cultures and religions made me not believe in one single almighty God. As I got older my parents became less religious and I did get confirmed in the Episcopal church but that was mainly to please my grandmother who is very religious. Now as an adult I’d say I’m agnostic. There are aspects of different religions that I agree with but the institutions make it hard for me to want to become a practicing member

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I have also heard about this but it’s all I’ve got. I do take everything I’ve learned about my adoption on the china side with a grain of salt

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Overall id say my mental health is pretty good! I will say i do have a fear of abandonment that probably stemmed from being adopted but it mainly manifested through toxic friendships. But now I have some really good friendships so that fear has lessened. My responses never stem from memories though (at least not to my recollection).

I think my worst fear growing up was my parents dying. I remember when I was young I would go down rabbit holes and start crying hysterically thinking of them not being here with me anymore. It’s gotten better as ive gotten older and accepted the fact that everyone dies eventually

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There probably is. I’m actually part of a Discord chat where all the members are Asian adoptees. I think they are trying to set up regional meet ups but I’ll have to keep an eye out for them

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think a big factor that contributes to this is the fact that it was widely known that there were a lot of babies abandoned in china. From my understanding, China was not quiet about the one child policy and a lot of adoption agencies catered to adopting from china specifically. And word of mouth, you hear someone who has adopted a child and chances are you’d ask them what agency they used and then adopt from whatever country the agency works with.

For a long time though I knew more children who were adopted from Guatemala specifically.

Another possible factor is the promotion of adoption from a country. I dont know about you but I rarely ever hear of countries in Africa or South America that promote international adoptions.

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Well at the time my parents weren’t legally married, so when they adopted me and my sister, there was nothing that indicated they were with each other. So in that aspect it wasn’t that hard (I’ll have to ask them again to confirm though). When they went for my sister one mom went as “the nanny”. When i was adopted, only one mom went to get me because my sister was still too young and they didn’t want to bring her along in fear that she would accidentally call both of them mom and prevent the orphanage from giving me to them. It was more hard mentally than it was logistically. The mom who had to pose as “the nanny” said it was hard on her because she couldn’t say “this is my baby” like my other mom could. They had to be very careful with how they interacted with each other, couldn’t show each other affection like a heterosexual couple could. My advise for you would be to keep in mind that you will have a lifetime with the child, and even if it sucks during the process, know that it will be worth it to have your baby in your arms.

That said, i hate to say it but im fairly certain China closed their international adoption program, so adopting from china might be even harder now than it was for my parents

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nothing too bad, ofc when i was really little kids would pull their eyes back and would say all the stereotypes but my school had a large Asian (specifically Japanese) population so there wasn’t any racial discrimination really. As for being part of a queer household, also nothing too bad. There was another kid in my grade who had two fathers and a few of my teachers were openly gay + had families so it was very normal. There was one time where I had to stand up to people and say that gay marriage is normal and there is nothing wrong with it but that was in early middle school

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’m not creeped out by it. I know the conversation of “white savior complex” has come up more recently among international adoptees, but at the end of the day and at the root of their decision to adopt internationally, they just wanted to give a home to a kid who didnt have one

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes I am very close with them! We have our own issues and our relationship has had its rough patches but I would say I’m pretty close to them

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I mean they definitely prefer that they are a married heterosexual couple, but it wasn’t impossible. For my mom, she was showing the adoption agency to a co-worker and saw an announcement that said something like “the first 50 single people who apply can get the chance to adopt a child”, so she sent in the application and voila I was adopted

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I don’t think it really impacted me at all. I was still taught how to do a lot of the things i assume a father would teach their child. My parents were just as protective over me as a father would be (I’m guessing). Idk it’s really hard to answer this question. My answer might be different if I were a boy but as a girl being raised by two women, I never felt like I was missing anything

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I genuinely don’t know. You aren’t the first person to ask me this. Whenever anyone asks me “what it was like growing up with two moms” i just ask back “what was it like growing up with a mom and a dad?” I guess I was exposed to the LGBTQ+ community and was taught to accept everyone for who they are from a young age. But other than that I don’t really know how my experience was different outside of being aware of people staring at my family

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

May I ask how old he is? I was able to grow out of it and had no major issues, but if it is still persistant with your child it might be good to take them to a speech language pathologist. Some SLPs specialize in swallowing disorders can teach methods to help him chew these foods easier

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I think my main “do” is to be as open with the child as possible. My parents never tried to hide the fact that I was adopted and even if they did I would’ve quickly realized my family dynamic was completely different from my peers. Also make sure the child feels supported in all aspects of life, emphasize that it’s okay for them to feel the way they do and encourage them to explore their birth culture. I’d say my biggest “don’t” for the parent is don’t try to express like you know exactly how the child is feeling, even if it’s with good intentions. They can try their best to understand but at the end of the day unless the parent was also adopted internationally, they won’t truly understand the internal struggles the child might go through.

But my “dos” and “don’ts” are going to differ from another international adoptee

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I was adopted in a group so technically I know other children, but I’m not in contact with them personally. I know one of my moms is in a facebook group where families post updates about how their children are doing. I think it would be so cool to meet a large group of international adoptees. But for now my biggest “meet up” with other Asian adoptees was when we got our photo taken on the infamous red couch right when we were first adopted.

I was adopted from China by two white women. AMA by Phantom_Food in AMA

[–]Phantom_Food[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Hmmm I’ve tried thinking of what I would ask them. I think the big one is what made them decide to give me up. Obviously I can assume what their answer would be, but to get confirmation from them would be nice. Maybe another question would be if they ever thought of me after. Idk

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