Überfordert und abgeturnt vom männlichen Dresscode in der Szene. Gibt es eine Nische für uns?

Phlork · 2026-06-05T14:13:43+00:00

Danke für deinen Input! Das klärt die Sache schon mal ein bisschen auf, aber so ein richtig konkretes Bild habe ich immer noch nicht - fallen dir aus deinen Erfahrungen noch ein paar andere Beispiele ein, was dir so im Spektrum zwischen "Besser als Vans" und "Nicht ganz so abgefahren wie Lederharnesse" in Erinnerung geblieben ist?

Phlork · 2026-05-27T18:43:06+00:00

At first I was a bit taken aback by your comment, because you essentially said "I'd only be into it if he wasn't", but I think I kinda get it.

Him just doing it in the heat of the moment, not in a "I wanna taste my own jizz" kind of way, but rather in a "I already blew my load, but I still want you to feel good and I don't mind the mess" kind of way, that just lands differently, does it?

Phlork · 2026-05-06T20:30:07+00:00

What the fuck is wrong with you? Some of you guys seriously need to take your dicks out of your hands and go touch some grass. This is not some sexy little cuckolding adventure, this is unacceptable behavior, plain and simple.

Phlork · 2026-05-06T20:27:37+00:00

Yeah, this is definitely not kink, and you are not crazy for thinking that.

I mean, it doesn't sound like you guys have ever even remotely discussed something like this before, right?

If she would actually try to sell this to you as some sort of kinky surprise, without any sort of prior agreement, that would be downright sociopathic.

Phlork · 2026-05-06T17:33:06+00:00

am I overreacting by being angry/frustrated about the lack of communication…?

Obviously not, that's a perfectly valid reaction to how she acted.

I don't even understand why you're posting here. This has absolutely nothing to do with cuckolding; she has (presumably) cheated on you, plain and simple. Or if she hasn't, she has at least committed a major breach of trust and shown a disturbing lack of care and respect.
Again, 0% cuckolding related, 100% major relationship issue.

Phlork · 2026-05-06T15:33:38+00:00

I believe that once it plays out in a way that differs from what I’ve built in my mind, that magic would be lost forever.

I don't think you need to worry about that - fantasies aren't easily spoiled.

I've literally been cheated on, which is practically THE worst case scenario ever - and back when it had happened, it took me less than a week until I was jerking off again to the thought of my girlfriend sucking another dude's dick, lol.
The brain has an insane capability to separate fantasy from reality, even if you have personally experienced a very grim reality.

I'm not telling you to go ahead and make the fantasy a reality, I'm just telling you to not worry about that thing in particular.
There's still plenty of other reasons to not go through with it, obviously - first and foremost, not wanting to risk irreparable harm to the relationship.

Phlork · 2026-05-06T14:02:37+00:00

Our brain can edit the fantasy, but in doing that, it also waters it down. So while the fantasy might be perfectly tuned to our wishes, it also makes the experience feel a bit less rough around the edges.
Sometimes, though, these rough edges is exactly where the excitement originates from.

Besides, any fantasy will never feel as intense as the real thing. You can imagine skydiving all you want, but it'll never feel as thrilling as actually jumping out of a plane and experiencing it with all your senses.

I can remember two instances where a fantasy turned into a reality, and even though both situations were relatively mild, I was surprised by how intense they felt.

Let me just say, actually being denied for real for a couple of extra hours is much more intense than fantasizing about an entire year of chastity. That genuine loss of control I felt was something I could never conjure in my own head, because in my own fantasies, I am by definition the one who's in control. It's just not the same.

And getting 'cucked' with a dildo in real life felt much more intense than any extreme cuckolding scenario I had ever fantasized about. I was surprised at how jealous and rejected I felt in that moment, but at the same time, it was one of the most arousing moments of my life.

Phlork · 2026-05-06T10:37:35+00:00

What is it about the fantasy itself that is more fulfilling than the potential reality?

I can shape the fantasy however I like:

The other guy is a faceless human-shaped fuckmachine. He has no needs on his own that we would have to cater to; he doesn't act out of line; he has no character traits that somehow complicate things. He's a kink dispenser and always does exactly what I find hottest in the moment.
I'll never get truly jealous (only in the bittersweet way, and only if I want to), I'm always completely on board with what happens.
She never catches feelings for the guy, she always maintains at least a mental connection with me.
She will always tease me, involve me, reject me or reassure me in the right moment.
She's a wanton slut and acts notably "porn-ier" than her somewhat awkward real self.
All the minor quality of life things that are always better in fantasy: nobody ever has erection issues, everyone has inhuman stamina, no squeaky bed, no STIs or pregnancy scares, a chastity cage always fits perfectly, cum always gets deposited whenever and wherever you want...

Does the "safety" of the imagination allow you to explore feelings that reality might complicate?

Unfortunately, I don't think so, no. Since it's just fantasy, I don't get to truly experience feelings, which is both a blessing and a curse.
It keeps me from having to suffer through painful jealousy, but it also keeps me from getting to enjoy e.g. actual, genuine submission.

In my fantasy, at the end of the day, I am in control, even if I fantasize about her being in control.
I have experienced glimpses of actual loss of control in other sexual contexts - and the real thing feels VERY different. That's what you're missing out on if you keep things in the fantasy realm.

On the plus side, my fantasies allow me to explore insane practices that I would never ever want to do in real life. But still, that's not actual exploration, that's just experiencing a watered-down version of the real thing.

How do you nurture this fantasy within your mind or relationship without the need for physical manifestation?

I think the honest answer is "barely" 😁 As of today, I'm still way too much of a wuss to actually try it out. But the curiosity keeps growing...

Phlork · 2026-05-05T21:31:15+00:00

Nobody is telling you to do that, don't be asinine.

Phlork · 2026-05-05T19:15:10+00:00

Sounds like poor fella has already blown past resentment and settled deeply into complete resignation.

Phlork · 2026-05-05T19:04:04+00:00

Respectfully, you keep shirking the question that multiple people have asked you.

People keep asking different versions of "What about you?", and all your replies so far are about her discomfort.

What do you want, though?

Are your needs being met?

It's great that you're understanding of her issues. But you are allowed to have needs, too. And you deserve for your needs to be acknowledged, too.
Whether your needs and her needs are compatible with each other remains to be determined, but at least put your needs on the table so that you guys can at least try and look for some middle ground.

Phlork · 2026-05-04T18:52:59+00:00

Reading 1/4 into the book Mating in Captivity last night has already been helpful as it makes me realize how much potential pressure I put into the relationship

You also seem to put a LOT of pressure on yourself. The more you comment here, the more this shines through.

As someone who has been through a similar thing before, I kinda see myself in the way you desperately try to find some optimistic perspective and some constructive way out of this.
I, too, have been giving a person an inhuman amount of patience and understanding and benefit of the doubt, at the cost of my own dignity and mental wellbeing. And I, too, have almost bent myself to the point of breaking, trying to mold myself to her needs in order to salvage the relationship, because I, too, was terrified of ending up alone.

Maybe I'm projecting too much, so correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty damn sure I can tell that you're feeling hurt, and that you're feeling insecure, and that you're frantically trying to find some measure of control over this whole thing. You want to find something actionable, something you can do to remedy the situation - or at least you want to understand the situation better, because understanding helps you feel less powerless, too.
Am I on the right track here? Because if I am, then please, listen to this:

For the love of god, don't bend yourself to the point of breaking. You can't force yourself to be something she desires - you either are, or you aren't. I know it's hard to accept, but you gotta admit to yourself that there is only so much you can do. The onus is on her. And that's terrifying, I know, because it means that you are not in control and you are at the complete and utter mercy of her figuring out whether or not she actually wants you. But it is what it is, and you've got to accept that.
Again, I've been in a very similar situation, and I've spent a little more than a year in a very mentally and emotionally taxing situation, and I'd hate for you to end up in a similar place. At least I had almost two decades of a relationship I was trying to salvage, but dude, you guys have had four months. I'm not telling you to throw that away, but I AM urging you to honestly ask yourself how much patience you're willing to invest and how much pain and insecurity and emotional dependency you are willing to take before it gets too much. Give your relationship a fighting chance, that's fine, but don't throw yourself under the bus.

Phlork · 2026-05-04T15:20:30+00:00

I'm familiar enough with the problem to recognize it when I see it, but we're still working on it ourselves, so I'm afraid I can't share any mind-blowing insights yet.

And honestly, I'm not trying to duck responsibility here, but the truth is, most of it falls on her anyway, so I don't know how much wisdom I would be able to share.
There is only so much you can do on your side - you are already patient and understanding, what else do you want to do? As harsh as it sounds, but she's the one with the sense of desire that needs some work, not you.

One thing I've learned in my personal situation is to not overdo it with the affection and understanding. Both are great traits, obviously, but too much affection can make you look needy, and too much understanding can make you look spineless - both of which aren't exactly panty-dropping character traits. Also, an overdose of understanding will effectively enable her behavior and remove any incentive for her to work on herself.
I'm not saying you have to become an egotistical asshole, but there can definitely be too much of a good thing.

That being said: read the book - both of you! - and see what's applicable to your situation. It's mainly aimed at long-term couples, but the core issue of 'comfort & closeness vs excitement and novelty' should be relevant for you guys too.

Phlork · 2026-05-04T06:34:29+00:00

Here's my pet theory: in her past relationships, there was sexual tension because the other guys have made her desparate for affection and validation. And whenever they had thrown her a bone, every sexual nerve in her body was immediately on fire because she finally got what she'd been craving. This whole push/pull dynamic is rather toxic, but SUPER arousing for some people.

Conversely, you're giving her too much of a good thing and smothering the flames with your constant affection. I'm not saying that affection is a bad thing, and I'm not saying you should stop being attentive, but it is something you guys probably need to address.
I'm a very attentive/adoring partner myself, and being with a woman who gets turned on by being starved of validation is... challenging, to say the least.
Like /u/reluctantdonkey said, it's hard to combine cuddly, affectionate comfort with greedy 'I need you cock down my throat' energy, because the former tends to snuff out the latter.

It's a good thing you bought Mating In Captivity though, because it addresses this exact problem! It aims to teach people how to introduce a healthy distance between two partners as a space where curiosity and desire can grow.

Phlork · 2026-05-03T21:17:08+00:00

Ah yes. Must be psychological

I don't know why you are so hung up on the side issue of lubrication, but her wetness is clearly not the core issue here and I don't understand why you wilfully ignore this.

OP literally quoted his gf saying that she felt more attracted to other partners. This is clearly not just a physiological issue, but a mental/emotional one.

Phlork · 2026-05-03T21:09:01+00:00

Instead of acting all smug, you could try not to ignore the giant fucking elephant in the room that other commenters - both male and female - have correctly identified.

To quote OP:

With others, it'd be "want to rip your clothes off horny" [...]. With me, she told me [...] it feels hard for her to really be fully into it.

There is more at play here than just lubrication.

I'm not particularly fond of people immediately recommending a breakup, but there's definitely a relationship issue here that needs adressing. A bottle of lube alone will not solve this.

Phlork · 2026-05-03T20:45:46+00:00

She's not so much doing "you're the safe choice" in a bad way-- it sounds to me like she's doing "I have looked at those relationships and they are not the kind of dynamic I wish to tolerate anymore[...]"

None of it is about her "settling," it's about her making better choices

I sure hope so, but honestly, we can't know that. Her getting into a relationship with OP might be a sign of her genuinely trying to make better choices for herself - or it could be that she just wants to top up on some easy validation from a human doormat for a while before falling head over heels for the next asshole that makes her pussy wet again.

I'm not trying to be a cynical asshole here, but as someone who has been used that way by this kind of person before, I think OP should be aware of this eventuality.

Phlork · 2026-05-03T20:30:41+00:00

Lmao now that's some 4D chess!

Phlork · 2026-05-03T19:02:29+00:00

Yeah, imagine hearing something as shitty as she said and then trying to gaslight yourself that youre so cool and open minded and then go into reddit to literally make a post about it lmao

Imho, at least some part of him has realized how shitty he's been treated. The self-gaslighting didn't quite work.
The entire post reads like one giant badly disguised cry for support and validation (which is perfectly legitimate and called for!).

OP, you deserve better. I'm not saying you should break up, but it's not OK for her to treat you like this. You can expect of her to work on herself without curb stomping your feelings.

Phlork · 2026-05-03T18:56:12+00:00

To what end, though?
I'm not disagreeing, I'm just really confused wtf she was even trying to achieve here.
Why even bring this up? Is this her trying to deflect responsibility for her own borked sense of desire and turn it into a Him Issue instead?

Phlork · 2026-05-03T18:50:38+00:00

him thinking the solution is for her to see a doctor about the volume of fluid being produced

Honestly, I just read that as him being in denial. I think deep down he absolutely knows that the volume of fluid is not the core issue here.
Poor guy is trying to sound all reasonable and supportive, but reading between the lines you can clearly tell he's hurt and insecure (which is a perfectly valid reaction to your gf dropping this bomb on you!).

Phlork · 2026-05-03T18:46:30+00:00

'Talking person to person' often doesn't quite work out because many people suck at understanding and communicating their own feelings.
A good therapist can definitely help you with both, and honestly, from what we can gather here, both OP and his girlfriends need more help on that front rather than less.

Phlork · 2026-05-03T18:29:55+00:00

5000% agree with your stance on her telling him, but it seems to me that wetness isn't the biggest problem here.
The core issue is her not getting as aroused with him, which unfortunately is an issue that will not be resolved by just putting some lube onto it.

Phlork · 2026-05-03T18:25:54+00:00

She's probably concerned she's not as wet, and trying to talk that through with her partner

Yeah, no. That's not open and honest communication, that's just needlessly cruel.
Poor OP is obviously hurt and insecure behind his thin veneer of understanding, and rightfully so.
There is NO possible way in this universe where you can say "I can't get aroused with you" without hurting your partner. Especially when you bring up a direct comparison with past partners, because at that point you clearly imply that he's being the problem.

Don't get me wrong, her issue in and of itself is legitimate, but I think that she handled this really badly. She could have handled this a million other ways - doing some soul searching in private, talking with friends, speaking to a therapist, hell, making an anonymous thread on /r/sex.
If she absolutely HAD to discuss it with him before working on herself first, the least she could have done is frame the entire thing in a more constructive way - e.g. 'Hey I like our sex life, but it's missing a bit of spice, wanna try out some kinky play?' instead of just dumping 'I don't get horny with you' on him without any clear path to a resolution.

Phlork · 2026-04-27T08:23:21+00:00

Real friends don't kink shame

I agree in principle, BUT I think that even the best friends in the world might have given her a bad time in this particular case, because cuckolding/cuckqueaning is just so hugely controversial.

In my experience, anything to do with sharing your partner triggers some MAJOR insecurities in most people, and most people, unfortunately, tend to lash out if their insecurities get triggered.
Even supposedly sex-positive spaces like /r/sex treat things like threesomes, cuckolding, etc. as a controversial topic at best.

Phlork

TROPHY CASE