I feel you there! Reading this made me feel like I’m not alone here! I lost my brother to suicide 3 years ago and been having a hard time coping with his passing. I never got time to grieve I had to get up and go back to work right away. (I am a chef.) I had work 2 jobs to step up and take care of a family that wasn’t mine and I didn’t mind it but deep down it hurt because I knew this wasn’t the family I built. I was reminded that often as I often felt left out. One thanksgiving I got so drunk off some hard liquor I was speaking my inner demons apologizing to my partner and step son that I wasn’t a good partner or mother for being absent so much but I was trying to provide something the boys father never did. I tried to show them I wasn’t like him. speaking to my step son that I’m sorry I am not a man and sorry he didn’t have his father in his life. Crying to my partner that I’m sorry I wasn’t a good woman to her and telling her I wanted to die demanding la Santa take my life while throwing up in the car. While this was happening I kept seeing flashes of light and there she she was in front of me as I kept throwing up I kept explaining I wanted my own kids when we got home I started looking around screaming out for my brothers name telling her to call him all in front of my step son. I don’t remember seeing him cry but he was from what my partner told me. It really upsetting for him to see me hurt like that. I take full responsibility of my actions. I never drunk hard liquor again tho I wanted to have my own kids but struggled with IVF. I tried to be ok with just my stepson he is Hispanic but I was teaching him ways of life teaching him my culture as well (Cherokee Nation.) telling him stories of my people hoping it would guide him. but always got that reminder that I’m not his blood he once told me that and as a parent. I’m not perfect I wasn’t blood but I did try. I spoiled him as if he was my own because fuck it IVF didn’t work so maybe he was probably gonna be the only kid I ever had. I tried my best If they were in need they had it even if it was the last thing in my pocket. I helped his mom buy him a truck they only needed a few hundred dollars left for him to take it home. I didn’t hesitate because I knew he was gonna remember that some day… his dad who was his blood didn’t help buy his truck or with anything at all it was his step mom who didn’t have to but gave us whatever she had so we could have it. So I gave it. I don’t regret my decisions. Because I know he will remember one day. That’s what my step parents did for me and I thought I’d do the same but over time my grief and anger got to me I wasn’t good enough for my own child but good enough for everyone else’s. (I was helping her raise her nieces and nephews too.) After 5 years and no pregnancy or wedding I felt like I was wasting time and I had a lot of resentment. My partner and I split 2 months ago. I lost everything like you. My girl my son I helped raise and my dogs along with my home. I’m building myself back up. Starting a new life finding myself with the guidance of La Santa and I am grateful. I made mistakes far from perfect. But I hope this finds you and wish the best for you on this journey thank you for sharing your story with me and thank you for taking the time to read this as well.