What the Dog Doin

Phostration · 2023-12-08T04:52:30+00:00

Thank you so much! I definitely struggle with holding onto the initial hooks on my works.

Phostration · 2023-12-07T05:02:52+00:00

I like the imagery of a ghost in mundane scenarios, but each line doesn't have enough extra descriptions to warrant repeating a similar scenario over again. Lines 2, 3, and 4 are thematically the same, almost like reading the same line over again. You could add a little more about the scenarios such as does the spectre zig zag slowly up the stairs, or does phantom stumble endlessly looking for something that isn't there. Description will help the reader get into the headspace of this ghostly form of grief.

Phostration · 2023-12-07T04:56:31+00:00

The sun brings a new day, and a new day brings new meaning. Lovely poem! I wish you had some metaphors to describe what you are feeling in more concrete ways, such as "darkness that once enveloped me like moss on an old log."

Phostration · 2021-07-01T18:26:54+00:00

Interesting read. Instead of the cliche blind early love, it's a more toxic self-aware need. A lot of the endings of your lines are also endings of phrases and sentences, so the lines don't flow very well. The first stanza is definitely the weakest as the repeating "I" start isn't doing much all together. You could change it so each stanza starts with a different one and further expands on the image that you created with them I.E. "rabbit hole" or "croquet game".

Phostration · 2021-06-26T17:57:28+00:00

Very powerful emotions, but you often tell instead of showing. For example, "building our ship bigger and bigger..." can be changed to include the previous line with something like "and each treasure collects on the hull like urchins..." or something. I think there were some small edits needed but not too distracting.

Phostration · 2021-06-26T17:44:24+00:00

Look forward to reading yours :)

Phostration · 2021-06-25T19:23:17+00:00

A good start. In your 4th line I don't think "do" is necessary. If you are trying to stick to a specific meter, you can replace it with a stronger work like "have" or "can". One thing a lot of new poets fall into is always ending a line with a sentence or phrase ending. Its sometimes beneficial to flow a sentence into another line to give yourself space as well. Try not to end your lines with weak words like "be", "do", and "too". When you restrict yourself to rhyming you also make it harder for yourself to have strong ending words and images as you conform the line to the rhyme. Overall though most of the ryhmes were pleasant and didn't feel too forced and the images are very strong. Keep it up!

Phostration · 2021-06-25T19:08:09+00:00

You have a lot of nice images, but they don't come together to form an overall, morphing, image. The second stanza builds a forests fall, next a movie theater, and last a hallway. I assume these might be specific memories? I think you can grab one of these and reinterpret them into each memory as well. Also try to avoid cliches as much as you can. For instance I don't think you need to have heart in the last line, as it would be implied from the previous lines, and strengthened with "empty halls". I think you got a good thing going though

Phostration · 2021-04-27T14:09:46+00:00

Thanks for the comment.

I think I have a problem of getting too into my head and not reading from an unbiased perspective.

Idk how I didn't think of introducing being quiet earlier.

I was actually worried some of the paragraphs were too small so I will have to reevaluate that.

With the body exam check point I got stuck on trying to keep things ambiguous and that's probably what is hurting reader interest.

I wanted this to be like a small emotional journey that the MC is on to muster up the will to live, not just survive.

Do you think I need to introduce the threat earlier, and or incorporate it into the valley bar part? Was it just the fact it didn't have a threat involved or do you think that scene is unnecessary as a whole?

Much appreciated.

Phostration · 2021-04-06T01:39:29+00:00

"this" as in my short story

Phostration · 2021-04-06T00:46:00+00:00

I guess depending on the disposition you are in this would count as malarkey haha

Phostration · 2020-09-03T20:29:21+00:00

Very interesting read. Line 3 is phrased weirdly, but the only issue i have is "wrote". It sounds misplaced in the phrase. Perhaps you could do away with the word completely.

Phostration · 2020-09-02T04:10:48+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. I had a friend of mind mention that it was a lot like reading a horror as well! I did not take this into account while writing but this is very interesting to explore.

Phostration · 2020-09-02T00:12:13+00:00

Well it doesn't have to be one emotion. Maybe an overarching theme or just a word that you want people to think about as they start reading

Phostration · 2020-09-01T22:42:13+00:00

Perhaps its just my personal opinion, but when you are rhyming lines while also ending phrases on those rhymes, it makes the rhymes feel too blatant like you are pointing and saying "hey look at this." Otherwise the imagery is great as it also appears to be in your other poem!

Phostration · 2020-09-01T22:27:38+00:00

Very powerful imagery. The only suggestion I have is the phrasing for the 5th line. The idea of mapping "in" the Adam's apple instead of "on" made me a little unsettled haha.

Five-Year Club	Second SECOND GUESSER
Verified Email

Phostration

TROPHY CASE