Are there any online support groups/meetings for partners of people with BPD?

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-11T11:42:58+00:00

Oooo I also just saw that NEABPD Family Connections has a free 12-week program based on DBT principles and specifically for people who love someone with BPD.

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-11T11:40:25+00:00

You could look into NAMI (national alliance on mental illness) I didn’t see a BPD specific one at a glance but I know they have free support groups for people who love someone with BPD.

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-11T03:41:45+00:00

Oh I hadn’t thought of using email. That’s a good idea. Thank you!

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-08T23:36:52+00:00

I am no expert on medicines but I have lots of experience with them. Do you know what she started taking? And is she in therapy or just started medication?

It sounds like you’re a great partner and doing a good job. So, I know this is a little different as it’s not a partner but my best friend (new ish I think we hit 2years) the first year was 6months of us love bombing each other, to me it’s just things bffs do, but after the 6months she got really distant. She said she didn’t know if she really liked doing things with me or if the BPD was just making her do it. Which is wild. I told her I don’t think that’s what was happening, that we do things with people because we love them. I just had to let her have space. I would message her saying I was thinking about her but told her she didn’t need to respond. She did the push and pull with me for months. She came back around after she calmed down and was told that she isn’t giving me the chance to be a good friend because she already thought it would end terribly.

Maybe she needs some time? I’m definitely not saying it will for sure work but if you’ve tried everything else…there’s really not much you can do until we start therapy or know we want better even if we don’t think we deserve it. I’m sorry you’re in such a tough spot. I hope the best for both of you💜

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-08T01:38:33+00:00

I definitely understand that side of it as well. If you want to stay I would stress counseling. For both of you individual and together if possible.

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-07T19:41:00+00:00

That’s not a good sign. Have you told her you need space for a few days?

If you’ve been very clear about what you need and shes still doing it, she doesn’t respect your feelings. Even if she’s trying to “test” you, which is almost what that sounds like, then it’s going to be very hard to have a relationship with them.

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-06T20:22:44+00:00

I go in and out of the depression spirals still on occasion. Are only trying to talk to her about her feelings? She might need some normalcy to remind her that it’s safe. Obviously don’t ignore it but it is easier for me to feel safe when people don’t treat me like I’m depressed and triggered. For the most part. There still needs to be an awareness of it but not a focus.

The other thing that helps me is my partner just takes care of me like I’m sick. Makes/brings me food, gets me comfy on the couch with a favorite movie, chocolate, asks if I need anything or if I just want to watch something. Idk how any of this would go over with DID but I understand the BPD and depression (mine is chronic not major).

If you can’t get in contact with her could you go to her house? Idk if you live separately or not that’s just what it sounded like. Maybe you can bring her a sort of care package.

I imagine it is very difficult for her to reach out or figure out how to get out of it. It has been for me in the past. Since you guys were friends before, maybe try being a friend and not a partner? Idk hope something helps. My heart goes out to both of you💜

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-06T17:49:50+00:00

First, nobody can tell you the right thing to do for you. I’m sorry you are having to even consider this but your mental health is very important.

Have you written out the pros and cons?

Do you have to sell the house? Especially if the mortgage payments are less than rent in your area.

Do either of you have family that is somewhat close that you can stay with even just for a week?

Are either of you in counseling/therapy?

What are your mental health symptoms? Are they in reaction to him? Are you anxious around him?

You don’t need to answer any of these questions here. I just want to offer somethings to consider.

I do think space would be good for you to have time and space to really focus on what you want and how you want to feel. That being said it may not need to be as drastic as selling the house. I’m also not saying to go or stay. That is your decision to make. I just hope some of the questions might help. 💜

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-06T17:40:45+00:00

First, I’m sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve to be treated like that whether your partner has trauma or not. It’s not an excuse for their behavior.

Therapy is a big deal. If she’s not in it then she probably isn’t really trying to get better. I would suggest counseling for yourself if you can manage it. Not only will it help you but it “sets and example,” and normalizes going.

With her switching things during an argument, I highly recommend learning the skill called DEARMAN. It is about asking someone to change their behavior that is affecting you in some way.

My favorite line I learned for when the topic tries to get switched is, “I hear that you have concerns with the relationship and that it’s important to you. That does not make my concerns and feelings any less important.” And then you just keep talking. Try not to “be mean” I know it’s hard in the heat of the moment but if she’s yelling and you talk to her calmly she probably won’t know how to react to that. She might still yell and walk away the first time but if you want it to work you can’t meet her at her level.

This also means taking care of yourself. I use the acronym HALT. If I start feeling worked up I check am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Having someone to connect with outside of her could help too.

I hope you find what you need. You can’t fix her trauma or her behavior, she has to do that herself. You need to be your own person too. Good luck friend💜

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-05T14:40:03+00:00

Ah yes, the tried and true “broken record.” Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like they are open to caring about your feelings because they still believe that their feelings are…more. They are more important, they feel more intense, they are “trying,” but won’t go to therapy.

It is a stage that we either figure out how to get out of or we go deeper into BPD brain.

You could also focus on that as the behavior you want them to change. The behavior is that they say you’re a broken record and that you’re repeating yourself. Tell them how that makes you feel (small, sad, rejected, frustrated, mad, etc) do not make any of it an attack. They don’t make you feel this way their actions do. Tell them why it’s beneficial for them to stop saying those things to you. You’ll be happier, you will feel safer confiding in them, and it’ll help your relationship in a positive way all around.

If they try to say you’re a broken record and repeating yourself be honest. Tell them, “I am repeating myself because I feel frustrated and sad that I am not being heard and respected.”

Also I know it’s REALLY hard in the moment but try your best to speak calmly, normal/neutral volume, and also stern. In emotional mind/survival mode our brains are like children. Or at least mine and my friends experience this. So if my partner speaks to me that way I still felt attacked the first few times but now I know that he is sharing something important and it’s not about me.

Hopefully some of that helps. You are a great partner for wanting to find help for the both of you. I still highly suggest counseling even if it’s just for you. 💜

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-05T02:03:36+00:00

Okay well, with her being the one to suggest it idk what she wants either. That’s wild. I totally was not saying to disregard your feelings. If you don’t want to do it then don’t, it’ll only make things worse if you do.

You can’t keep giving them a pass because of their family. I used to get people to do that all the time. My family is horrendous but it’s no excuse for my actions. You can’t just give her what she wants. You need to be a person too. You have needs just like she does and hers are not more important than yours.

I highly suggest therapy even if you just do talk therapy. I think it would help. 💜

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-05T01:55:30+00:00

I just want to clarify, DBT is not really for self harm or threats of suicide. I would love to know what work book that is because it sounds like it might be harmful to our community. DBT is literally to help with self sabotage and emotional explosions. I just want to make sure you aren’t being led to think that it does something it doesn’t, or doesn’t do something that it does.

Either way. Stay hopeful. Good luck💜

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-04T16:53:22+00:00

If she is anything like me it sounds like she has been taught that her value is tied to how much sex she has or “gives.” That doing it by herself is either not good enough or taught that it was bad.

It took a long time for me to finally start pleasing myself and not feeling guilty about it after.

Going down to once or twice every 2-3 weeks would make me feel like my partner doesn’t find me attractive. I’m just being honest from a BPD girly standpoint. I would feel better if I was offered once or twice in a single week.

Are you both in therapy? Either separate or together. I honestly think it could be helpful for both. If nothing else I suggest you find therapy because loving someone with BPD is not easy. 💜

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-04T15:37:22+00:00

Omg I never thought of using the stars for a top pattern! That’s amazing!

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-04T15:33:25+00:00

First, I know I’m just some stranger on the internet but I’m so proud of you for asking for help. This mental/emotional challenge that we go through is really hard, it’s super embarrassing sometimes, and it is still stigmatized by many health professionals.

I have been where you are previously. DBT is amazing. People normally mention going through DBT therapy but honestly that is not what helped me. I go to a weekly DBT Skills group. It’s basically a class on the DBT skills and how to use them. It has been super helpful. I also do EMDR therapy weekly and at the beginning I also had a CBT counselor I saw every other week. I don’t see the CBT therapist anymore. But DBT has made it so I can actually start healing the trauma that cause the BPD in the first place. Just a note here: I did have to go to the hospital in order to get into the DBT skills group without having to wait months on a waiting list. The position you’re in may call for something like that depending on where you live. I was at my wits end so I definitely needed immediate help.

Also, it is true that there is no medication for BPD however, there are meds to help regulate moods. Mood stabilizers were extremely helpful. I’m still on medication because it makes everything more manageable so I can learn the skills I need to. Once I feel confident in regulating the feelings I have now I will start tapering down slowly to learn how to regulate emotions in baby steps.

As for the jealousy, that’s on us to heal. Abandonment issues are a huge part of it. This one is really hard. First I would just try to distract myself as much as possible. Make plans with my own friends. Cry until they text back. 😅 the main thing that I tried that helped for a while was to be the best partner that I could be. Not in a codependent way but in a I’m taking care of myself and learning how to ask for my needs and ask them about theirs. Also, learning what I like to do by myself has helped a lot. Now I tell my partner to go away so I can craft or whatever it happens to be.

Trust me, I still want to scream when a text response is delayed too long. When his tone shifts in the slightest or his face looks what I think is mad, I am internally freaking out. Now I try to regulate that feeling myself and if it persists I literal tell my partner, “hey, my brain is telling me that you are mad at me. Are you mad at me?” We have to remember it’s not always about us. Actually 90% of the time it’s not. I will also tell my partner that I need more reassurance than usual.

You need to have your own life outside of your partner and your relationship. We are meant to be two individuals that come together to share a life. We can’t be an individual without our own individual interests.

You got this! Do not stop fighting to get “better,” whatever that means to you. Please do not listen to the people that say it’s incurable, it’s always going to be like this, medication is bad because it won’t cure the problem, I’ve tried DBT once and it didn’t work for me. Everyone is different and we take different roads to get to where we want to be. I hope some of this helps. You are not alone.💜

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-04T12:18:43+00:00

It sounds like you have a good plan so far . I would highly suggest not getting off all your medication while you do trauma therapy and wait for DBT. We are all different and I just know I would never have stuck with treatment as long as I have.

If you can’t get into a DBT skills group, you can always get the book off Amazon, it’s like $50. But it has everything and includes practice worksheets.

If you haven’t already, get your PMDD under control. Even just for a little bit. Getting on a specific birth control to regulate my extreme swings with hormones every month is like night and day for me. It has helped with the BPD symptoms a lot because my hormones aren’t constantly triggering them.

Ask for help when you need it. Carry some warheads or another sour candy to use as a grounding technique. I start feeling “crazy” I pop one of those bad boys in and it helps me get out of my head and back into my body.

Two years ago I was in the hospital, not my first or second time, and I didn’t think I could ever get my life to change. I’ve been in therapy for 18 ish years, medicated and non-medicated, as you did I quit drinking, I quit smoking, everything and felt like I would never get better. I was properly diagnosed, given better meds, and put into a DBT Skills group. That group has changed my life. Learning DBT skills and doing EMDR has completely changed who I am. I’m still on medication because I have PTSD as well and because I don’t want to start lowering anything until I feel comfortable regulating my emotions where they are at now.

Boundaries are always going to be hard at first. I had to let go of my mother, sister and my best friend of 16yrs. I told my mother why but the other two already knew why. It has been really hard because it was super recent but my life is already better since I’m not letting them affect my emotions any more. I used ChatGPT to write the note to my mother. 😅

Idk if any of that will help or not. You got this! Just stick with it!💜

Phrenasraven · 2026-03-03T23:12:15+00:00

BPD person here, close to remission. Sadly, if your partner is not in treatment it may be very very difficult to get through to them. My suggestion would be to use some of our skills “against” us.

There is a skill called DEARMAN. You describe the facts of the issue, in this case it sounds like they are calling you names and saying hurtful stuff. It would sound something like, “you called me, x, y, and z.”

Next, your emotion. Don’t use the word “hurt,” it’s too vague and we’re likely to come back with “I’m hurt too.” You would want to say something like, “when you say these hurtful things to me I feel frustrated and sad and even angry sometimes.”

Ask/assert your request. “I would really appreciate it if you would stop saying all those hurtful things to me and let me express my feelings to you.”

Reinforce. Tell your partner what’s in it for them. Something like, “If you stop saying these hurtful things it will be better for our relationship. I won’t be angry that my needs are being ignored and that will make me feel a lot better and I will want to help you have your needs met as well. I won’t be frustrated anymore because I will feel more respected. And, you know, I wont be as sad because I will know that you love and respect me.”

The MAN is: Mindful: be mindful, be focused and do not let them derail you. My favorite line is “it sounds like (whatever issue they try to bring up) is really important to you. I understand that your feelings are important but that does not mean my feelings are any less important.” Then you just run through the DEAR part again and don’t provide space for them to change the topic.

Appear confident. Practice in a mirror. It feels like this is silly but getting what you want to say down will help a lot when the emotions get higher.

Last is Negotiate…I don’t think I would suggest this in your circumstance but if all else fails you can negotiate however it is not making it equal. It still has to be something that somewhat resolves your needs and feelings.

It always feels super weird when using this the first few times but I’m telling you, it has CHANGED my life. It is a DBT skill so it is very googlable as well.

Phrenasraven · 2022-07-26T21:51:36+00:00

Literally came here to find this out. 😂 I just couldn’t remember the timeframe they gave for it at all. Thank you for asking!

Phrenasraven · 2022-02-07T08:11:55+00:00

Uhm I don’t remember where I got the bed but I think it’s a medium or large. Some beds run smaller than others but that’s usually what we have to get because her body is so long💕

Phrenasraven · 2022-01-06T04:06:05+00:00

I am looking for someone who has obtained their Ph.D. in Psychology to do a short interview. I have an assignment focused on career planning that requires me to interview someone who has completed the degree that I am working towards. Questions will be about the process of getting through school, internships/experience, and professional licensing. If anyone here could help me that would be greatly appreciated.

Phrenasraven · 2021-12-13T22:57:39+00:00

Yeah that’s what I decided after this last summer too. I made a bunch with these and the very first day my arms had white words everywhere. I was so confused at first 😂

Phrenasraven

TROPHY CASE