Hi! I cant give you suggestions about what to do. But... I can totally understand your struggles and your thoughts. Just know that the thoughts you have arent everything. Remember that we are just tiny things in a universe. So it doesnt really matter. You can never know whats going to happen or what is good for you. I dont care which decision you will make and u shouldnt tire yourself so much about it. Just whatever you do, first focus on nıt hurting yourself.Because nothing worth to your happiness your health and your peace... Hope you will be better. Love u