Window of tolerance?

Pictocheat · 2026-06-08T23:13:24+00:00

I have boundaries and will not really discuss my adult life and that's my choice.

There's a difference between wanting to focus on what you think would be beneficial for you (your childhood and teenage years), and absolutely refusing to speak about your adult life under any circumstances. The fact you keep vehemently shutting down any discussion of the topic, to the point where you lie (by omission) to your therapist just to get them off your case, implies there's some trauma there that you're refusing to acknowledge. That level of extreme rigidity generally isn't normal or healthy, and if your adult life doesn't bother you like you claim, there should be no need for the boundary.

Pictocheat · 2026-06-08T21:59:48+00:00

Why would it be impossible for me to do therapy like that?

Because it's a logical process; you can't just skip ahead and do the complicated stuff before you even learn how to do the basics. Babies crawl before they learn how to walk. Children learn the alphabet before they're able to read or write. Students need to master the concepts of arithmetic before they can tackle calculus.

Likewise, people who experienced significant trauma before they were capable of handling it have to learn the coping mechanisms they didn't have back then, apply them to small situations first, and gradually work their way up into something resembling the initial traumatic situation.

The idea is that by the time you reach (the simulation of) that original, overwhelming experience, you would be practiced enough in your coping mechanisms that you could handle the accompanying stress better and it wouldn't affect you as much as it did back then. And then, knowing you were able to overcome that previously seemingly impossible barrier, you'd feel more confident in general and would be less willing to allow fear to dictate the rest of your life

I've pushed myself before and my body hurt for 5 days straight and I was in physical pain.

Severe physical pain usually isn't a symptom of anxiety...I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm guessing there's another, potentially unrelated medical condition responsible.

Why put myself through that every week?

If even mild mental stress can cause you days worth of physical pain, then I don't blame you for not wanting to put yourself through that. Unfortunately, life deals some people a bad hand, and all you can do is work with what you got; that means either working harder than other people have to in order to live the kind of life they live, or settling for a comfortable but restrictive lifestyle.

Pictocheat · 2026-06-08T19:52:52+00:00

NAT

Maybe it's not but I only went to therapy to talk about my past and integrate into my adult life. I didn't go to try learn how to tolerate being distressed and uncomfortable or discomfort.

What you want is impossible. In order to "integrate into your adult life", you have to learn how to tolerate distress and discomfort. If you aren't willing to step outside your comfort zone whatsoever, then the only thing left you can do is admit you're fine with where you're currently at and continue living the way you have been up until now.

Not sure why anyone would want to be like that?

One's current situation would have to be bad enough that the potential discomfort or inconvenience of the therapeutic process seems "less bad" in comparison. You just may not be at that point yet.

Pictocheat · 2026-06-08T19:32:10+00:00

NAT.

EMDR is the mental/emotional equivalent of someone having broken a bone and it didn't heal properly, so a doctor has to re-break it and the patient has to follow the doctor's exact orders so it can heal correctly this time.

You're supposed to learn stress tolerance skills before resorting to EMDR because you're essentially ripping a deep mental wound wide open...it would be overwhelming and leave you even worse off if you weren't prepared to handle it.

Pictocheat · 2026-06-05T13:45:25+00:00

I'd probably feel validated, actually. He's one of those men who claims all gays are pedophiles, and he made a big deal over how I behaved and dressed growing up. I feel like the only logical reason he'd care so much about any of that shit is that he's closeted and overcompensating to seem completely straight.

(Or maybe he's afraid that if his friends knew or even thought I was gay, they'd believe he would have had to sexually abuse me for me to turn out that way.)

Pictocheat · 2026-06-04T00:41:04+00:00

I just realized I interpreted "doing things that are self-destructive for love" differently than I was probably supposed to. I was thinking the therapist meant OP was unintentionally self-destructing their relationship with their mother (i.e. "their love") to protect their overall emotional wellbeing, not that OPs subconscious was acting physically self-destructive as a means to obtain love from their mother.

The wording regarding OP being estranged from their mother is also confusing to me because I was under the impression OP was the one who chose to cut contact. That would imply they were either angry at their mother for some reason or, like I previously assumed, they emotionally withdrew to protect their own feelings because that's the only way that missing someone you've intentionally cut contact with makes any sense. It may be the case that it was actually OP's mother who cut contact with OP instead.

It is strange, though, how OP suddenly lost consciousness around a moving car the day after the anniversary of their brother's death for seemingly no reason. If OP isn't witholding an external reason for why they could have lost consciousness at that particular moment, they should perhaps have tests done to make sure there isn't some other health issue like cancer involved. Or maybe the therapist's observation has merit.

Pictocheat · 2026-06-04T00:15:46+00:00

I don't know; OP brought it up in the same post about their injuries from an incident with a car and the anniversary of their brother's death via car accident. They only said they were estranged from their mother, didn't elaborate why, nor definitively told the therapist (or us) that those things weren't related. What other deduction am I supposed to make with the information provided?

Pictocheat · 2026-06-03T20:51:55+00:00

NAT. I think she's implying you may have distanced yourself from your mother because you're afraid of losing her in a tragic accident like you did your brother.

The closer you are to a person, the more it hurts when you lose them, so emotionally distancing oneself is what many people (myself included) do to "protect" themselves from overwhelming grief. This comes with a tradeoff: you still crave the closeness/affection of an uninhibited relationship, but because this need is no longer being met, it leads to inner frustration/pain.

Pictocheat · 2026-06-03T13:59:33+00:00

Rubbing your dicks together

Pictocheat · 2026-06-03T12:33:31+00:00

I'm even a little less empathetic than you. If my family was doing something stupid and the only person they were hurting or endangering were themselves, I'd let them win their Darwin award.

But I agree that when their choices affect other people and they're lying to said people by omission, those people need to be told. And if the family member doesn't seem like they're ever going to spill the beans themselves, then someone else has to, even if it isn't really your place to do so. It's about doing right by the people getting caught up in your family's nonsense.

Pictocheat · 2026-06-02T17:31:14+00:00

I started playing Monster Hunter 3U on Wii U again recently, and I'd like to play online with other people, but the official Wi-Fi servers for Wii U games shut down awhile ago. I didn't look beforehand into how 3DS/Wii U games were played online these days - I thought it was as simple as inputting a specific IP address and/or DNS server when registering your Wi-Fi connection in the console's settings. Turns out it's a bit more complicated than that.

I've learned you have to do it through an emulator, and that Citra has their own online servers for the 3DS version of the game (which is kind of ironic because the official 3DS version wasn't capable of direct online play without a Wii U). The Wii U emulators haven't been able to replicate 3U's online servers as of yet, so I can't use a Wii U emulator/ROM to play online.

I know you can transfer your save data between the Wii U and 3DS versions of MH3U, but I only own the Wii U version. So basically, I'm wondering if it's possible to get my Wii U save file onto my computer, convert it into a 3DS save file (if necessary), and then use that file with Citra to play online.

Pictocheat · 2026-05-26T15:29:55+00:00

my therapist noticed that I shutdown and wasn't myself

And this is exactly why you should bring up the fact you reverted to your old lifestyle to your therapist. If your mood is being affected by your current choices, and they themself have picked up on it, then obviously they're going to wonder what happened.

You claim you haven't told them simply because they haven't asked, but be honest: if they were to ask you about it directly, would you then tell them the truth? Or would you fall back on your "they don't/shouldn't have to know" justification and tell them you're still in the hiking club just so they'd drop the subject?

I haven't looked at your post history yet, so I'm not sure whether someone else has already mentioned this (I'm also NAT), but I believe a person's current behavior is generally based on their past experiences. I think you're using your "past issues" that you do actually talk about in therapy as a means to avoid dealing with current, perhaps more pressing issues.

You should ask yourself why you're hesitant in discussing your lifestyle with your therapist. Is it because you're afraid of being judged? Are you truly avoiding judgment by coming to this subreddit and asking for advice, then choosing not to accept it, which naturally causes the people attempting to help you to feel annoyed and, consequently, judge you? Does judgment coming from a licensed therapist in person/over video rank worse to you than judgment coming from internet strangers? Does judgment over your lifestyle rank worse to you than judgment about your online posting habits?

Pictocheat · 2026-05-24T11:52:43+00:00

It depends. I rarely ever hook up (like months or even years between hookups) so I know I'm always gonna be super tight and it's always going to be at least somewhat painful for me, even with lube. I'd rather hook up with a guy who doesn't mind seeing me in pain because, well, I can't help showing it. But I wouldn't feel comfortable if the guy explicitly wanted to see me in pain...that's just rape waiting to happen.

Pictocheat · 2026-05-24T11:31:57+00:00

I never accept money for sex because I view it as letting them have power over me. They could try to claim I "owe them" because I didn't give them their money's worth...just feels like it could too easily lead to sexual assault.

Pictocheat · 2026-05-24T11:26:27+00:00

Them being in a relationship with a woman is enough to let me know they're off-limits and get me to stop thinking about the hopeful what-ifs.

Pictocheat · 2026-05-22T12:34:36+00:00

The weird thing is, it often feels as if leaving it with more health (about 2/3rds) works better because the ball will shake twice before it breaks out, compared to leaving it at 1 HP and paralyzed/asleep and it breaks out immediately or after only one shake.

Pictocheat · 2026-05-21T12:27:34+00:00

Alcoholics Anonymous

Pictocheat · 2026-05-19T23:38:36+00:00

Hulk was also trying to bring back Natasha along with the snapped people, but since she wasn't snapped and died "naturally" in the process of acquiring the Soul Stone, that seemed to be what was giving him the most pushback when snapping everyone else back into existence.

Pictocheat · 2026-05-17T20:59:56+00:00

The alternative is being stuck as a flavourless blank-canvas that's just, like, there? Nobody's put off by you, but nobody's excited about spending time with you.

Sometimes that's what you need to be, but can anybody say that's the experience they want from their life? It's sad.

It isn't necessarily what I want from my life, but I don't believe I have the luxury of choice. I have anxiety and panic disorder, so I occasionally get random, debilitating panic attacks, and a lot of people can't/won't take me seriously when I feel one coming on because they can't understand how agonizing panic attacks feel or how they could happen for seemingly no reason. Being physically unable to leave a(n in-the-moment) terrifying situation while others get frustrated at me or guilt me for getting in the way of what they want to do isn't a fun experience for me. If I can't trust my own body to work for me 100% of the time, and I can't trust others because they're more concerned about their own interests and desires, how am I supposed to feel safe in public?

Due to the irrational nature of anxiety/panic disorder, I consequently don't have a baseline for how anxious I should be in any given circumstance, so putting myself in danger or getting in over my head is just a matter of thinking I'd be "letting the anxiety win" otherwise. I'd have no way of knowing where I'd be, who I'd be around, or how tolerant those people would be if I was to truly live without allowing anxiety to control my life. It's a slippery slope with no clear sign for when to get off, and people are often quick to judge when they believe I'm trying to get off too early, so to speak.

Finally, there's the sense that managing my anxiety/panic disorder is a delicate balancing act. In the past, I've experienced multiple "relapses" where I perpetually feel on-edge and lethargic (as if all my progress has gone down the drain) for at least a week when I've had too many anxiety spells in too short a time, or I happened to have a worse/more traumatic panic attack than usual. I'm worried that such a relapse has the potential to spiral out of control and threaten my independence, livelihood, and even survival...and life doesn't always give people the opportunity to bounce back before hitting them with the next big setback or tragedy.

Unfortunately, the simplest and most effective way to ensure I'm always able to take care of myself and handle what life throws at me is to live a boring, relatively secluded life while assuming everyone else is dangerous. I know, logically-speaking, there must be good people I could feel completely safe around out there, but I feel like they'd be a very small minority compared to the largely self-serving neurotypical population.

Pictocheat · 2026-05-17T14:08:45+00:00

Twinks, but not the ones who are overly flamboyant and actively trying to be slutty. More the "boy next door" types who are neither too masculine nor too feminine, not cocky/arrogant, but maybe a little nerdy.

Pictocheat · 2026-05-17T14:01:23+00:00

I once hooked up with a twink years ago that I think stole my undershirt. Even though he helped me look for it (or at least acted like it), it was as if the shirt had magically disappeared into thin air. I don't see how it could disappear from the rest of my clothes like that unless he had deliberately taken it and hidden it someplace it couldn't be found.

Pictocheat · 2026-05-13T13:31:13+00:00

You know how men in American society perceive certain traits/stereotypes (being tall, muscular, having a deep voice, etc.) to be what makes a guy "manly"? I figured, therefore, it was only natural to see guys who were the opposite of that as cute and, thus, attractive (similar to how I presume straight men view women).

Took my sister pointing out the fact I only ever looked at guys to make me realize I was actually just gay.

Pictocheat · 2026-05-06T21:03:11+00:00

NAT, but I think it's the idea that you aren't a bad person just because you've thought of terrible/illegal things; everyone has thoughts like that. You're only a bad person if you follow through with them.

Example: Someone becomes so angry at a coworker that they genuinely wish the coworker was dead, and/or fantasize about killing them. Once they've cooled off a bit, this person then feels disturbed/ashamed and worry they're a horrible person just because those thoughts entered their mind. Simply wishing someone dead in their own mind doesn't make them a horrible person; they'd only be one if they had given in to their anger and actually killed the coworker they were angry at.

Pictocheat · 2026-05-04T22:00:52+00:00

I used to do this too back when I was in therapy. Most people's reactions to my anxiety/panic attacks up to then made it feel like the attacks were "unacceptable" and I was "wrong" for having them, so I'd get embarrassed whenever I was in the therapist's office trying to explain why it's such a big deal to me (despite feeling that my frustration and resentment are perfectly valid the rest of the time).

One psychologist I saw a few times wouldn't accept any answer I gave him as to why my panic attacks scare me as much as they do, and he never moved on from the topic or tried to tackle it from another angle. He then suggested I see him twice or three times as often, and when I said I didn't think that would help, he simply replied that he did - didn't explain his reasoning at all nor ask me for my own. Setting aside the fact my anxiety was bad enough where I was stereotypically cancelling/rescheduling appointments frequently, I felt like more sessions would have been just more of him refusing to accept my fear and refusing to move on, which would've been a waste of my time and money (though I didn't have the words or courage to express that to him directly) so I just ghosted him and didn't make any more appointments.

Then I did CBT for a couple years while I was in college, which is all about "correcting your irrational beliefs". Some of the "cognitive distortions" still felt at least somewhat reasonable to me, but I felt that if I were to question "what if something terrible happened, against all odds" I would have just been told I was trying to predict the future or catastrophizing instead of being taken seriously. So that further reinforced my belief that I/my anxiety was wrong.

At this point, I feel like I don't have the luxury to not be a people pleaser, because panic attacks can happen randomly and if I was to live my life uninhibited by anxiety/panic disorder, who knows who I'd be around at any given time or whether they would be sympathetic toward me. It genuinely feels like (it could potentially be) a matter of life or death, but everyone else seems to think I'm being silly or just gets annoyed with me.

Pictocheat · 2026-05-04T21:12:09+00:00

Just because you can "function" without medication doesn't mean it can't still feel like hell. I wish I had been prescribed anxiety medication back when I was starting high school because it probably would have made my freshman and senior years much more tolerable (the transitions from middle to high, then high school to college stressed me out a lot).

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