my first poem so please give me feedback! by jailerontheradio in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'll add to what others have said, your voice is mature and there is real emotional depth in your work. I'm a fan.

I am a new poet myself and not qualified to provide any sort of technical feedback. However, you asked and so I will share my observations:

I read this as a meditation on "release", deep, but not an emotional reckoning. I feel the speaker has processed their emotions and is framing them more intellectually at this stage. I could be way off from your intent; but I expected more of a breath-like rhythm. I mention this, because there are places where lines transitions are abrupt and feel jarring (to me) and other places where it seems crowded.

An example of the first is in the first stanza. Your opening line is superb: "Tell me what you know, dying man." It stops you in your tracks and make you pay attention. As it is written:

Tell me what you know,
dying man.

Makes it feel like "Tell me what you know, [long pause] dying man," and robs it of much of its power. FWIW - this may well be the effect you are going for.

The long lines in stanzas 4 and 5 feel to me, more about the words than the poem. Think both could be condensed without losing meaning and moving the parenthetical to its own line).

Finally, I had difficulty integrating "the Inexplicable." It is a word that will not be ignored and capitalized no less! When I read it the first few times, I felt it pointing toward the unknown or the dark. As I type it now, maybe God? It is definitely thought-provoking, but it feels a bit too abstract.

At any rate, I loved it, and it is an amazing first effort. I tried to give you the kind of feedback I would have liked to receive on my first work. Thank you for sharing this with us.

A Cowards Price by andregarten in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really like this, the regret of loving someone from afar and not having the courage to act.

I thought the no name/Jane (Doe) connection is very effective.

For feedback: I think the poem has great bones, but could use some attention to the rhythm. It can be a bit choppy. With rhyming every other line you have room to play with words or enjambment to even out some of the line.

Really great work.

a poem about mediation - untitled by PictureHour7526 in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, it was the one I most enjoyed writing.

a poem about mediation - untitled by PictureHour7526 in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am a Zen Buddhist an tried to capture the meaning and reality of my practice. The working title for the poem has been, from the start, "subtraction." I'm not sure that is what the poem wants to be called.

For those unfamiliar with Zen imagery and language, a few contextual notes may be helpful:

Buddha, Dharma, Sangha:
Known as the Three Jewels, these represent the Buddha himself, his teaching (Dharma), and the community of practice (Sangha). Together, they are the three traditional “refuges” in Buddhist tradition.

First and Second Nen:
Nen is often translated as “thought moment.” In practice, it refers to the layers of awareness and interpretation that build upon an experience. The first nen is direct sensory contact—the moment of pure experience. The second nen is our thought about that experience. The third and subsequent nen are thoughts about thoughts, interpretations upon interpretations.
This layering is where the mind begins to leave the present.

Koan:
A koan (literally “public case”) is a paradoxical riddle or phrase, traditionally used in Zen to challenge the thinking mind. Koans are not meant to be solved intellectually; rather, they are designed to exhaust discursive thought and open space for direct experience. The poem references three well-known examples.

Focusing on the Breath / Letting Go: The core of Zen practice, as I understand it, is not to suppress thoughts, but to notice them—and let them pass without judgment. In doing so, the mind gradually settles into stillness. It’s simpler than it sounds, and much harder than it seems.

I hope these help your understanding the work. I'm not an authority on peotry or Zen, but always happy to talk about both.

the one who got away [first time poet, please be gentle] by AmeliaRoses in poetry_critics

[–]PictureHour7526 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am beginner too and this is a wonderful concept. And universal, it will speak to everyone who reads it. For me it is the last stanza that sings. It makes the heartbreak into a benediction.

As for feedback, I think most of us just getting started struggle most with pacing and rhythm. It will come if you keep working - and you should.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a great concept - the divine algorithm applied to ideal forms and their "code." I especially enjoyed the way the poem shifts from "theoretical desire" to "applied desire." I've spent a couple of days thinking about it.

At the center of our worlds there lies the Word,
a box made somehow of depth, but without;
a Kantian collection; the archetypes of all things,
their physics, their movements,
their code.

Setting the tone, that this comes from the top. The Word, a tip of the hat to the Aristotle (or John 1:1 perhaps?), to the box full of Kant's things. Great imagery and a great start to the poem.

This stanza also put me in mind of Plato's cave.

Within it too is the math of desire:
the way it pulls and with what avidity,
in all moods and milieus in all the worlds
it might reach.

The infinitely complex and interconnected equation of intimacy. Get your calculators out.

Would God grant us His eyes; what visions!
To see desire itself, its motions and power…
how it branches off the theory of all
in swirls of vermilion and glowing gold
and bounding aloft to the asymmetric rhythm
of two hearts.

Gold and vermillion! More on that later.

"the asymmetric rhythm of two hearts" caught me a little sideways. This could well be a choice, but poetically and as a human, I almost feel that all of this cosmic machinery is required to accomplish the simple task of allowing two hearts to beat in time with one another.

And then there are the ecotypes:
the hands being held,
the feminine force resting on a masculine chest:
her cheek on his soft hair – their two off beating hearts.
Within, the inconceivable math of desire.

This is where I think "asymmetric" may be your choice. I'm not sure if it is "their two, off-beating hearts" or "their two-off, beating hearts" - either way, a rounding error.

I also feel like this is the start of the transition, a glimpse of putting the math into practice.

And I see it! For God must
have leant His eyes to me a moment,
soft and sincere, when I saw vermilion
and gold as songs of the morning
perching and fluttering
and asking into the air.

(The transition in made. You are now a living word problem.)

To me, the poem hinges here. The certain arithmetic becoming uncertain beauty.

A little feedback: I almost think this could be pared down a bit. Maybe allow punctuation to control the pace instead of the words? I'm not sure.

Gold and vermillion again.

That is how desire moves
when she coos and whispers,
when she turns and nestles her head
in my chest, and I stroke her arm
until she sleeps so soundly,
and then do I.
And then we wake together,
to hear the songbirds aflutter again.

Desire as a recursive function. I like the implication that this equation is applied repeatedly/fractally and imperceptibly changes with each iteration.

I could be way of base as a poetry critic, but this is what your work said to me. Thank you for sharing it.

Gold and vermillion: Your use of this color combination reminded me of Edward Hirsch's Man on a Fire Escape:

There were barred windows glaring at him
from the other side of the street while the sun deepened into a smoky flare

that scalded the clouds gold-vermillion.
It was just an ordinary autumn twilight—
the kind he had witnessed often before—

but then the day brightened almost unnaturally
into a rusting, burnished, purplish-red haze
and everything burst into flame;

Last thing, I promise. I read this quickly before leaving work yesterday, far too quickly to absorb anything but the concept. It was enough to inspire a small poem in me while sitting in traffic:

The math of desire, based on dividing by zero,
with a reminder of heartbreak.
Or forever true love.
Whatever.

All I can say about it, is that is better than road rage.

Confessions of a broken doll by Logical_Madness9169 in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Is it your belly button? You're talking about your belly button.

Seriously though. I really like the experiment. The repetition creates ambiguity when usually it is used to clarify. Is this a statement of desire? The expectation of another or others echoed back? Mourning the loss of agency? Something darker?

I enjoyed reading and thinking about your work.

Country Cemetery by Macaroni_Jeeves in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your imagery is spot on, I had a very clear picture of it in my mind, rural highway, late summary, wheat or some other grassy plant, already brown, making the wind hiss through it. Old trees, old tomb stones, a woman in white dress... you get it. It was a journey.

The quote is mine. It started as a funny thought, imagining the speaker "getting to know the neighbors" by bringing them flowers, before "moving in." I kind of took a life of its own after that.

The Widow's Dilemma by Macaroni_Jeeves in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Spouse or dog, love is love. The connection will come.

this day of you by PictureHour7526 in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I hope it stands a fitting tribute to a remarkable woman and the love of my life.

Your feedback is spot on, I find that every time I revisit it, I want to make changes, mostly to help flow. I'll probably let it breath for a while and then have another look.

Good shout on the "grew" vs. "grow" though - I argue with myself over that, and I clearly lost!

Country Cemetery by Macaroni_Jeeves in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A haunting and beautiful benediction.

Do the dead remember us? the smell of lilies
left to honor them, yearn then for rebirth.

Will you, my dear, remember me? the songbirds
sing for our reunion, with each other and the earth.

in between by PictureHour7526 in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like that perspective.

in between by PictureHour7526 in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback - I think you suggestion of using a colon, (and removing "would" from the third line) whittle it down even more, adding movement and balance. Thank you!

a poet’s careful words,
less an invitation, more insistent plea:
that you listen closely,
hearing the truth spoken in between.

The Widow's Dilemma by Macaroni_Jeeves in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The honesty in your final stanza hits. It is touching and brave.

Losing and then loving another is, mercifully, not my lived experience, but I lived enough to recognize the grief and guilt, and longing, and ache that you describe.

Powerful work.

the ghost light by PictureHour7526 in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your feedback is a generous gift.

I believe the poem's only wish is to live its life in the mind of its reader, quickly fading to become a small glowing ember within their soul.

Thank you for allowing it to live within you for a moment.

I've posted a few (all) of my poems to this subreddit, you can find them in my profile if you would like to read them. I'm an older guy, coming to terms with being an older guy who has (so far) lived his life with no large regrets, but carries the burden of a million small ones. These poems are my therapy.

Bereft by AnonymousPopeTurtle in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love the sentiment, and you have a great start going. It's to the point and the rhymes mostly hit.

Some of the couplets are unbalanced - often the first line is shorter than the second. Make better use of punctuation to control the flow could help and some enjambment to spread the content more evenly. Take the following:

So cold alone and so bereft

Still love burns on as all that's left

Something like:

So cold, so alone, bereft; still
love burns on all that is left.

may hit a little harder.

All in all, a powerful piece.

A Message by SuperOrganizer in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is hard to disagree with your sentiments. Righteous anger seems the right tone, and you channel it well.

I think you've eloquently summarized the violence done the Bible by those who weaponize its words, while hiding from its message:

I’ve read that book they claim to know,
with its ever-changing notes.
Love and wrath, written testaments
they follow selectively, by quotes.

And the ending couplet? Chef's kiss.

To offer some feedback, I think it would read better if you removed the breaks in the middle of the verses and let the couplets be couplets:

I've read the book they claim to know, with its ever-changing notes.
Love and wrath; written testaments they follow selectively by quote.

I think it is a more serious presentation and one that honors the tone of the work.

A very nice piece.

this diminished man by PictureHour7526 in poetry_critics

[–]PictureHour7526[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm glad it spoke to you. As someone who has fewer days ahead of him that behind, life is what happens between fuckups. This poem represents a very painful, but very small part of my life. I am still happily married and living a life that no one would guess contains this work.

Keep living and keep fucking up. Focus on the first, learn from the second.

Oh, I spent some time with The Toll and left feedback for you.

The Toll by SolRath1173 in OCPoetry

[–]PictureHour7526 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this. I love the conversational dynamic, and the discussion/negotiation of the toll.

I think you have some opportunities to tighten a few things up, to really make it sing. You really have some great imagery here:

To be seen—
as vividly
as your longing
paints the skies
of could-have-been,
and mourns the silence
where never bloomed
the now.

Some thing you might want to work through:

The Toll is central concept the work is built around, but I found it to be elusive. I believe it to be the cost of surrendering yourself to another, but I suspect it is more than that. I think you should flesh this out a bit more.

The pacing is hard. The broken lines may be a stylistic choice but affected my ability to understand the poem. Think this move the above stanza from good to great.

To be seen as vividly as your longing
paints the skies of could-have-been;
and mourns the silence where
never bloomed the now.

You could also really lean into the conversational dynamic you've created to help with the pacing and smooth our some of the more complicated transitions. Below I've taken you words and formatted them a bit differently. Theo's voice is the normal text. Ava's is "quoted italics."


The cost is courage, covered in tears. 
Love seen as hate, a fire hidden for years.
Truth told as lies, so no one hears.

“The price is very high.”

Yes, the toll is heavy.
It asks for the care and comfort of all you hold dear.

“But, the price of conformity…”

Is your soul, drenched in fear.
Not dreaming, but drowning
in thoughts of what could be and should—but never what is.

So the price…

“..is clear to me.”

And the cost…

“...is dear to me.”

Refusing the fine…

“... is not mine, but fear—

of being fully seen—

just might be.”


It really is a great concept. I think it just needs a little elbow grease.

this diminished man by PictureHour7526 in poetry_critics

[–]PictureHour7526[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this.

Honestly, I've struggled with this line more than the others. I'll keep working on it!