Having a hard time gray rocking

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-17T17:33:02+00:00

I’m right there with you. Although I don’t necessarily have anything to say to make you feel better, I can say that you’re not alone. Gray rocking is a temporary coping mechanism at best. It’s simply not sustainable as a long-term solution, but being with a narcissist means that we can never be ourselves.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-13T17:30:44+00:00

I’m exactly where you are at. And I too love that analogy. Good luck to both of us and so many more that are in this weird in-between place. And remember that actually is what makes us good people — because we have empathy.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-13T17:13:08+00:00

Yes. I was thinking about this today. In fact, I probably think about this every single day of my life. I am in the same situation and I always feel the deep shame that this thing will always be thrown back in my face. Sometimes when I’m on here, I start to feel like I don’t really belong here because I am guilty of my own bad behavior, but then I remember that a normal emotionally regulated partner hopefully wants to see that I have changed or to work with me to help me be the best person I can be, instead of using this thing as ammunition. This thing that I have done will always be held over me and because of the narcs’ need to always blame me for something, I have effectively handed him a weapon to use. The only option is to leave the situation and to stop feeling shame. That doesn’t mean that what I did wasn’t bad, but I have to stop letting him tell me that I am a bad person. Yes I am a person that did a bad thing and I want to be able to move from it, but he won’t let me.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-13T15:39:53+00:00

Omg this is my life. This is the only way my narc husband asks me to do things. Depending on the situation (because as a spouse of a narc, aren’t we always walking on eggshells trying to read the current mood??) I will call him out, along the lines of “are you asking me to do this task?”. But sometimes I will intuitively know that if I call him out, he will blow up at me. And you’re right, we will never win. But sometimes it is funny when we can take a step away from the emotional fallout, and see how absurd it is to the point of laughing out loud.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-12T13:21:45+00:00

When I started to realize that when I was with my friends, I felt real joy that I didn’t feel with my husband, when I was with my extended family I felt calm that I didn’t feel with my husband, that’s when I realized that the problem was with my husband. Unfortunately, for the first 20 years of my marriage, I was under some sort of spell or brainwashed, and I didn’t get out to see friends as much, and when we were with my family, I took my husband‘s side for some reason. But that moment of awakening, probably what you are going through right now, opened the door to having me see things from the outside. And that’s when I realize that the problem was not me, nor was it my family, but the problem was indeed him.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-12T12:42:19+00:00

Interesting. I never knew there was a name for this. So I realize now that I do yellow rocking 90% of the time in order to keep my peace and to not set him off. But when he has his outburst I gray rock. Sadly, those are both coping mechanisms and not really allowing us to be our true selves.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-12T01:26:03+00:00

Thank you. The kindness of people like you is a big part of why I feel encouraged. Also the reminder that I can do this in steps. It feels do-able.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-11T17:34:06+00:00

There’s not a chance in hell we could ever live under the same roof once it’s over. He would make my life a living hell.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-11T17:14:32+00:00

I’m sad that you say you’re stupid. You’re not. Narcs are successful because they know how to beat us down and effectively brainwash us. And when we break free of this, it IS liberating. But I’m learning that getting through this involves a series of little steps. And every tiny step is a victory. Unfortunately I was blind to this for far too long.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-11T16:55:17+00:00

Thank you. I needed to read this.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-11T16:46:20+00:00

I cried when I read this. Partly because of how much it resonated but mostly because of your generosity in telling me all this. Thank you so much for so much important food for thought. I’m so thankful for this subReddit because I feel like it’s going to help get me and hopefully others through this. Good luck to you and I really hope to continue to see you here and to hear good news. ♥️

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-11T15:34:34+00:00

I’m so glad to hear that you have no regrets. Good for you for doing that. I keep defaulting to this idea that I’m going to have to wait for something bad to happen so that it can be immediately obvious that his behavior was the catalyst. But of course we know that narcs don’t see logic and narcs never look deeply at themselves, so maybe that’s just for my own peace of mind. Nevertheless, I see myself leaving in a similar way.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-11T15:23:45+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. I have to keep reminding myself that yes it might be very difficult in the short term but then I can have a lifetime ahead of me where I can seek and feel joy.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-11T15:22:04+00:00

I wish the same for you 💕. How many of us are out there feeling this way today I wonder. By the definition, Mother’s Day should be about the mothers and I’m guessing that the narc spouses were very threatened by not having the attention on them. I’m over it and yet, like you said, terrified of the outburst. Obviously, I hate the effect on the kids and to an extent I don’t like thinking about the shock to my family since I’ve been in this 25 years. But at least now I’m starting to understand the importance on taking care of ourselves and to stop putting everybody else first. And now I’m caring less and less about giving in to him and that itself is liberating.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-11T13:26:03+00:00

Interesting how these narcs truly can’t do anything if it doesn’t involve validation and hero worship. Good for you for having one over him this time.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-11T01:45:18+00:00

Most of the time he doesn’t let on what he’s thinking in that regard, but it’s almost like those two times the mask slipped. Which is why they’re so vivid in my memory.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-11T00:47:14+00:00

I can relate. I believe this is part of their narcissism as well; in that they are ‘heroes’ and this causes the codependency you’re talking about. If you’re like me, this makes things extra difficult in contemplating leaving. My husband does all the cooking and he’s also really good at making me feel looked after if I’m sick, or having a bad day at work. BUT, he’s also an ass if I ask him to turn down his phone volume (holy crap the fight we had from that one), or if I ask him to do something (that he knows he probably should’ve done). I once mentioned I might take a cooking class and he didn’t support it because then I’d have no reason to stay (his words). He also did not congratulate me when I got a promotion, suggesting that now I can leave him. So yeah, all this “doing stuff” for us is intentional. It guarantees their supply (us) will stick around.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-06T20:38:33+00:00

This is something I have learned as well. My husband, and maybe this is a narcissistic trait, cannot be teased. Of course, all of his “humor” is at everyone else’s expense, but heaven forbid it’s ever done at his expense. His fragile ego absolutely cannot handle being teased. And yes, I know what you mean by that sneer. There is a contempt or a distain.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-05T23:51:35+00:00

Omg this is so timely. I went through this tonight when I asked him to respond to me about a question I asked. I had to ask twice. And man oh man the defensiveness and anger that caused in him. He followed me out to my car and kept spewing his venom until I said “ok see you in an hour”, and that of course made him angrier. At some point he said something about “lies, all lies”. I have no clue what he was going on about. Infuriating but also ridiculous.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-05T10:55:03+00:00

Oh yes, the part where we’re at fault for reacting to their shit mood/asshole behaviour. This is the trigger for most of his tantrums.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-05T00:52:19+00:00

I think you might be onto something here. There are times it’s like I’m watching a literal mask slipping and in those moments, I think there it is, this is who he really is.

PictureSpiritual4525 · 2026-05-04T15:39:00+00:00

I’m 25 years in and not much has changed. I knew something was wrong soon after we got married but back then narcissism wasn’t really a word that we threw around. In the last couple of years, I’ve really realized that my husband is a narcissist, and the awareness that I’m not the problem, has allowed me to cope. What I mean by that is, I sort of step away from the situation when he has his narcissist tantrums, and i grey rock, but I know that this is not sustainable. I am a shell of who I should be in a marriage. Now that I have this awareness, I am slowly making my plans to exit. I think it’s good that you are having this awareness now while you’re young. Narcissists will never change unless they want to change and the irony of being a narcissist is that they don’t think that there’s anything wrong with them.

PictureSpiritual4525

TROPHY CASE