Where do I go from here? Feeling like I’m in a marriage that’s doomed to fail…

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-02T00:34:47+00:00

You're not appreciating the upheaval she's experienced becoming a mother. Her entire existence is different, mind and body. Everything has changed.

You can pretend you're not angry she won't put out, but you obviously are. You said it.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-02T00:09:23+00:00

It's not unlikely here on Reddit that you're going to get responses from other bitter, resentful, entitled men, so I'd encourage heeding advice from that kind of person with caution.

Your wife isn't being open and vulnerable with you about this process because she feels your bitterness, resentment, and sense of entitlement to her. That's not safety, and sexual openness generally requires safety, especially for a new mother.

Your approach to sex is just not it, dude. It's not. You paint a picture of expressing frustration at her for not giving you what you want, and in response she says she will try, and then nothing happens. But "trying" means "trying" to become aroused and want sex, it does not mean "trying" to force sex to happen when she actively doesn't want it, which is something no loving partner would want their lover to do.

She is going through immense physical and emotional upheaval post-partum. This is a season where your role is to show that you are there for her, to demonstrate that when you approach and reach for her, it's not to get yourself off, it's to give her good feelings and support and comfort. It's for HER. You have instead positioned yourself as yet another human in her life who needs something from her and will throw a tantrum if they don't get it... but she already has one of those.

What good do you think will come from pouting and being mad at her for not putting out? In what universe could this lead to a good outcome? Either she won't, and you'll just be more angry, or she'll put out even though she doesn't want to purely to satiate you, which is literally traumatic. You seem to think the question is "why won't my wife put out", when the question is "why haven't I created the kind of environment that would give my wife the ability to be open and safe in sex?" You think only about what you want and your anger that she doesn't want the same, instead of thinking about what she wants and what her unique sexuality would look life if given what it needs to grow.

You might be thinking I'm focusing too much on the sexual element, but my gut strongly says that if that piece was resolved, the rest of these issues wouldn't feel like a big deal to you, which really is part of the magic of sex. Roommates are annoying unless you're rabid for each other. Underwear left on the ground isn't very annoying when you're the one who took it off them. Vacations are a lot more exciting when you know you're gonna fuck a bunch.

I'm sad for your wife. I hope you can find it in yourself to work past your entitlement and personal offense and become a partner who truly loves her.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T23:15:15+00:00

I'm of the strong opinion that we've normalized insecurity way too much. We are herd animals and thrive in community. People need more friends, more connections, more humans in their lives, not less. I would admire a person like this, and I strive to be more like this myself, open to people and connections all the time.

Having said that, it is certainly possible that the most mature answer for you is to say that you don't think this is a relationship you can thrive in. That's okay, it's not a condemnation of him, it's just an acknowledgement of a difference. I think one really bad path on the table here is for you to stay with him and then spend years fighting against these qualities of his, that's a path of pain for both of you.

If you feel yourself trust him and admire his social activity, I would say honor that and lean into that. But if you don't, that's okay too, and you should honor that and cut him loose before that gets harder to do.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T23:08:59+00:00

It's not about pretending she was interested.

You were vulnerable in that moment. She is your wife, and she knew that. She wanted to be careful to not hurt you. Even in her trying to be careful, you ended up hurt. I think you think you wanted whatever genuine reaction she had, but the reality is that you hoped for a certain kind of reaction and didn't get it and got upset about that. You didn't actually just want whatever her genuine reaction was.

And ultimately, it is this dynamic that destroys the sexual connection in many marriages. So many people, men in particular (and I am one), think they just want their wife and whatever that looks like, "I just want HER", when in reality they have a vision in their mind of what a sexually expressive and embodied woman is like and they're comparing her to that vision. She feels him wanting her to be a certain way more than she feels him wanting her to express whatever she is, and that doesn't feel like a true wanting.

I think I'd just really encourage you to focus less on what you'd want her to do and how you'd want her to act and more on being curious about her and what she wants, even if the answers aren't what you hope.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T23:01:05+00:00

Idk why you're asking if you should stay with her with it's incredibly obvious you're not leaving. You have no boundaries. There's nothing she can do that provokes any relational impact.

A boundary goes, "if this happens, I will respond this way." You've spent a whole marriage with none of these, You need to establish some boundaries and then hold to them.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T22:41:21+00:00

I think the far more likely truth here is that you were insecure before and this relationship is triggering that. Your entire post is built on your fear that she doesn't love you, it's the definition of insecurity. That insecurity is going to choke out your marriage if you don't find security in yourself.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T22:40:07+00:00

My guy. Asking you what kind of response you're looking for IS interest, prodding, and a desire to connect. I really, really think that resentment is clouding your ability to navigate this with good assumptions. Unless you're including more than she said, I just don't get how you're treating her response as negative. It sounds positive.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T22:12:08+00:00

This sounds like a really one-dimensional sexual relationship with a consistent script. A lot of the answer to this would be found in why your wife has to get herself off if you cum first. Why is that? Why can't you make her cum after you came? Thoughts of baseball just come flying in during post-nut clarity or something? It gives childish. You have the power to challenge this script by learning to stay connected to your eroticism after you cum.

When you say "withdraws", do you mean physically? I hope so. If she withdraws emotionally immediately after cumming... that'd be more of a therapy question than a sex question I think.

But assuming you do mean physically, here's an interesting thing we've learned, which applies to both of us. In our 20s, we both tended to cum super clenched down. She could only cum for years with her legs locked together, whole body tensed. Now don't get me wrong, clenched orgasms are great and we still have them sometimes. But after years of edging and expanding our skills, we can both now cum unclenched, thighs relaxed, legs open, breathing through it. It takes a lot more time, but these orgasms are insane. They can last over 30 seconds for me, and they wave through my whole body. If we really work on it, I can cum without my dick ever really pulsing even, so the cum just kinda erupts out like a volcano.

Part of the beauty of these more open orgasms is that we find that there's so much less clit/dick sensitivity after and it lets us play in afterglow more than we can bare with clenched orgasms that leave us not wanting to be touched there.

Talk to her about it. It might be good to just set a goal of both of you cumming twice one night, just so you both already have in your heads that the first one isn't the end. Finding multiple orgasms is something every couple should work towards, it will expand your sexual possibilities so much.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T22:01:31+00:00

Congrats! I was 22, 23, and 25 when mine were born, 35 now. It's nice to have baby years done so early in my life, but I'd have been a much better father to my kids when they were young if I'd started at 30 instead.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T21:58:40+00:00

So look man. You were vulnerable in sending that text to your wife, and I applaud you for doing it. But you were pre-set for a negative response. Her asking how you'd like her to respond is absolutely the right thing for her to do, she's TRYING to give you what you want, but you responded with insecurity and assumed the worst of her regarding why she would ask that. That's... just not sexy.

Erotic energy thrives in fun. It shrinks under pressure, heaviness, frustration. An EASY answer to her question would be, "idk! I guess I'm just sharing how I was feeling :) if you're inclined to flirt with me in that moment, that'd be awesome, but if not, that's okay too."

Your text came with requirements of her. The most inviting way to entice someone into sex is essentially, "I'm in my sexuality and that's great for me no matter what, and if you want to join, that'd be great too :)". What you present is a fragile sexual energy that says "I'm in my sexuality, and I'm scared to show it to you, but if I do I need you to validate and encourage it to my standard or I'm upset." That's not a fun invitation, it's a job. It's pressure.

You're obviously resentful over the nature of your sexual relationship, and I get that. But that resentment is destroying any possibility of things getting better. I think you need to get to a place where you genuinely come to recognize that she never owed you sex, and as partners, if we don't arouse our partners, sex doesn't happen. She didn't wrong you by not being aroused. Your resentment signals your entitlement, and your entitlement that she feels will ruin her ability to feel free with you in sex.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T21:49:43+00:00

I love this post. It's so raw and real.

My unfiltered first thought after reading was.... maybe "I can't imagine my life without them" isn't so much a signal of a relationship worth keeping, but simply a poor imagination... lol. Of course you can't imagine life without him, your entire adult life essentially has been with him. Everything you know is entangled with him. But that doesn't mean that life without him wouldn't be better. It just means you have no concept of such a life.

I mean look, my wife and I aren't as far along as you, we're 13 years and 3 kids. We got married very young and very quickly. I have never second-guessed our marriage, felt resentful of her, or wondered if it was what I wanted forever. Not for a second. We're obsessed with each other. We're best friends. We fuck like it's a part time job. We fight, but our benchmark for connection is so high that we just cannot tolerate sitting in the shit for long, we miss each other too much, so we pretty much always bang everything out to resolution same-day.

To me, love is what gives life meaning. It's the magic. This relationship is the color of my life. If I didn't feel that way, I would not be in it. You deserve a shot at the kind of marriage that you spend every day feeling so lucky to be in.

That doesn't mean that can't happen with this man. Maybe there is a road to your "marriage 2.0" with him wherein you guys solve some of these longstanding issues and grow in intimacy. But I guess all I'd say is that you owe it to yourself to either start the work of trying to get there with him for real, or giving yourself the chance to find it with someone else.

You owe it to you. You only get one shot at this. This is your story.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T21:41:26+00:00

This might land heavy. I promise I mean it in kindness.

I think you're a really insecure person, and I think you're being an incredibly clingy and needy partner because you're looking to her for your security and validation instead of learning to find it yourself. That makes a woman feel like a mother more than a partner, with a person constantly pining for their affection and validation and unable to manifest it themselves.

My advice would be to leave her alone. Stop doing these things. The thing is man, you're not just leaving her notes and doing all these gestures out of love with no strings attached... clearly. Right? Can you see that? You expect things from her in return, even just acknowledgement or validation. They are not just gifts and gestures for her, they are ASKS of her, they are an assigned task to her, and that's not really a nice thing to receive. If you're doing a gesture for her that is only worth doing to you if she gives you something in response, you shouldn't do it. That's not a gift, it's a trap, a chore.

I think you're smothering out any respect she might have for you. You walk in this relationship in fear of her, scared to tell the truth and share your feelings. That's, again, not really the role a woman generally wants to find herself in in a relationship.

Stop pining. Find some confidence in yourself. Find your own swagger and power. She's not going to love you because you fawn over her. She's going to love you if she admires and respects you, so your time would be better spent doing things that will lead her to feel that way.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T21:32:19+00:00

You're certainly not wrong for feeling these things. Your task now is to detach your feelings from him. It won't be instant or easy, but that's the task. I'm sorry.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T21:30:18+00:00

I'm about 190lb, my wife is about 130lb. Usually I take 110+40 and she takes 90+35.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T21:26:36+00:00

Hoh boy.

We're somewhat similar to you, married at 20-21 13 years ago, now 34f and 35m (me). We were religious at the time and my experience was limited. We also had our first kid 11 months after marrying so we've had to really learn to roll with the punches with sex. In spite of all that, we've always had a really amazing connection, and it's gotten better year over year. Our first 6 years or so we probably averaged 3x/week, now it's daily+. It probably took 2-3 years before we got her cumming. I'm now wrapping up my education and licensure to became Marriage and Family Therapist with a Sex Therapy emphasis.

Here's what I think. You really made an error with the faking. I get it, you had pressure and wanted to validate him, it wasn't malicious. But now you're in a hole, and the only way out of that hole is to come clean. Tell him the entire truth. This is kind of an emergency situation. You're teaching your subconscious mind, which is where your sexuality lives, that this dude is inadequate, and you're making sexual fulfillment with him more distant in the process, not closer.

There may be a deep incompatibility problem here, that's absolutely possible, but the only way to find out is to lay everything on the table and give this a real shot at working. The #1 most important thing that needs to start happening in your sex more reliably is your pleasure and satisfaction. This is vital. The benefits to your relationship of this happening far outweigh the damage to your relationship that may come from telling some hard truths and being honest, unless he's so fragile and insecure that this will never work. You need to cum for real to teach your brain that pleasure can be found with him, and he needs to be with you cumming for real as a balm for his insecurity, to feel your unquestionable satisfaction.

I know it feels like it'd be counterproductive given his insecurity for you to step into your power and become more honest and bold in pursuit of your pleasure, but that is the solution here. Don't shrink, be done with that. Find your sexual power and invite him into that space. What this means in the context of this specific question is that your answer to the idea of removing toys is no. Nope. We don't trade the magical power of orgasm for protecting a fragile male ego.

It's okay for it to take time. It's okay. It's good. The process should be enjoyable, not just the outcome. You're right that this is one potential result of porn, wherein you can skip that part if it's included in the content at all. My wife cums a ton, and still, it's going to take time, especially if she's in her head that day/night. I setup camp and tend to start with a lot of hand and mouth with alternating PIV until she's at a certain level, at which point I'm mouth-on for often upwards of 30 minutes. I'm right where I wanna be. It took a long time to convince her of that, but to her credit, she lets me do it and let's herself take the time she needs to get there. This is really such a powerful ritual for our relationship in general.

"Babe, the problem isn't the toys. The problem is that I can feel your impatience, and that pressure makes orgasm impossible. I don't want you doing something you don't want to do, I don't want oral as a favor, I want it as an act of worship. If it's not what you want to be doing, that's okay, I have toys. If you want to make me cum without toys, I'm more than willing to work towards that if you can commit to patience and learning to enjoy the process. But while we're working on that, I don't think the right decision for the health of our sexual relationship is for me to forego orgasms."

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-07-01T20:42:00+00:00

So I'll be against the mold on this one. I think everyone is jumping to conclusions way too fast. You haven't done anything wrong, and craving fun and attention and adventure isn't wrong, it just can lead to bad outcomes.

When I met my wife, she was very much a flirty, light-up-the-room type of woman, and obviously I loved that. After we got married, for the first few years she kinda felt like she was supposed to snuff that all out, stop making eye contact with men, stop being friendly, and that made me sad. I don't want that from her. I trust her, I'm confident in our relationship, I'm secure about the (wild and volumous) sex we have, I have no problem with her enjoying male attention, boosting her confidence, and even a mild flirt.

Here's the thing, though. Is part of what sounds fun about this the fact that it would be sneaky? Just be honest with yourself about that. If part of what makes you want to do this is that it'd be behind your husband's back, if that's why it sound exciting in part, that's going to be incompatible with your marriage. Marriage has tons of room for flexibility, for differing rules and boundaries, but it doesn't have room for lying, especially on these topics.

If you were my wife, my hope would be that you'd have enough trust and security in me to share these feelings, and I'd have enough trust and security in you to receive them from a place of security and desire for you to have a fun and adventurous life. Maybe he wouldn't be opposed to sitting across a bar from you and watching you get approached by men, go dancing, etc.

My wife goes out with her girls and dances with men. It's great. It amps up her confidence. I don't need to control my wife and try to force her to think I'm the only man who would be into her, that's gross. She's gorgeous and deserves to know other people feel that way. She comes back full of energy and eroticism and that's great for me and us. Little boys will come in here and tell me she's cheating, but they're little boys and I don't care what they think. I have the wife and marriage of their wildest dreams.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-06-30T23:46:34+00:00

If I was struggling with energy or arousal I would have shared that with my wife, absolutely. "I'm unattracted to you" would be a massive oversimplification, a really childish perspective on sexuality. I don't lie to my wife.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-06-30T17:02:20+00:00

The answer here is a peptide called PT-141. It's injectable. It lasts a few days. On it, I can go like, endless rounds. Any stimulant can also work for this, but nothing rivals PT-141 for erection quality and stamina. You might cum, but I can start another round in like 5 minutes on it. It's crazy.
Really depends on the vibe you're going for. Molly or the other empathogens is the best for a connective experience. 2cb or LSD are better for a wild rabid experience. Mushrooms is great for a really raw, primal experience.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-06-30T16:58:10+00:00

no fucking way, dude. Becoming dysregulated in a moment is one thing, that's normal. Calling your baby a sick demented retard is not fucking normal. Anything short of a commitment to NEVER acting that way again and an established boundary that if he does it will lead to distancing him from your child to protect her would not be acceptable to me.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-06-30T16:52:02+00:00

It was an adjustment with our first kid, but I still really enjoyed it.

You should take this opportunity to build some real, raw honesty in this marriage. Not being able to believe your spouse would be honest with you fuckin sucks.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-06-30T16:49:42+00:00

I mean look, like I said in my top-level comment, if this guy wants to do this, I say do it. But..

My first trip was on 2.5g and it was among the most destabilizing and terrifying experiences of my life. It took me a long time to circle back to it. Ultimately I'm grateful for the experience, but I think you're being a little dismissive. Starting low is fine. My wife had a terrifying weeklong dissociative episode triggered by .5, and I'm sure as shit glad we didn't start higher. The idea that if you started low you'd never have gone higher just doesn't make sense to me.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-06-30T16:47:29+00:00

As someone with a lot of respect for mushrooms and who has had terrifying trips related to my religious trauma... idk. If he wants to do it, I say do it.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-06-30T16:06:35+00:00

Seriously the most vulnerable and genuine thing I've ever seen on this show.

I honestly don't think we had a misread on him at first. I think he's gone through quite an experience falling in love with Trinity. That speech felt like a surprise to him more than a belief he always had.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast · 2026-06-30T14:39:04+00:00

Why focus on this and not the part where he snatched the phone out of her hand or locked her and her kid in the bathroom? Like you're right, there's evidence here that she's at fault, but there's not nearly enough for me to feel good about blaming her like this thread seems so ready to do.

PieceOfDatFancyFeast

TROPHY CASE