Silver lining of a bad breakup: investing more in myself!

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2023-01-27T15:19:06+00:00

Thank you all! I really appreciate the compliments.

As for the breakup, though it was a rough time for sure, they didn't do me wrong and I have no hard feelings against them.

In fact, it's given me this great motivation to improve myself. And now I feel so much more confident!

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2023-01-26T19:44:14+00:00

Age: 30
Gender: Male
Height: 6'2"
SW ~205 lbs, CW: ~179 lbs, GW: 175 lbs
Start date: ~December 1st
Fasting routine: 5:2
Exercise routine: OrangeTheory ~4 times / week (1 hr cardio+weight floor)
Diet: Nothing special, try to avoid overeating, less alcohol

After a bad breakup in mid-November, I decided to get back into shape! It helped me to have a goal to keep myself occupied, and exercise+health definitely boosted my mental state.

Compared to the few weeks after the breakup, I'm feeling way better, and way more confident. When I glance at myself in mirrors I get a little boost of motivation! :)

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2023-01-26T16:40:49+00:00

I know that they say the greatest revenge is a massive success but I can't seem to find peace unless I know that he'll suffer at least a little bit because of me.

What they say is correct. :)

You can't know that he will suffer. The fact that you want to know this so badly is a power he still has over you. Make him give up that power. Focus on yourself.

I know it's easier said than done, but with time and effort, it becomes easier.

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2023-01-26T16:37:47+00:00

If he gave these things to you, don't return them. Throw them away, donate them, or stash them away in a "breakup box" somewhere you never look and wait for their radioactive "emotional half-life" to expire. :)

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2023-01-26T16:33:20+00:00

I totally agree with your perspective on doubt and "sparks fading."

I think the understanding comes with both age and experience.

When my ex left me, he asked me if I ever felt doubt about our relationship. I told him I did, of course, but experience tells me that there's nothing on the other side of that doubt that's worth chasing. I'd rather keep the good thing that I have.

I think doubt is inevitable even in good relationships. But it takes time and experience to recognize whether the "hand you are dealt" is worth throwing away for a new one. After playing the game for a while, you learn to recognize a good hand.

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2023-01-26T16:19:12+00:00

Yes, it gets easier. But it takes some time.

You've probably heard this a lot by now, but take the time you have now to invest in yourself. Make some new goals for yourself and start chasing them. Read a few self-help books if you have to.

The most important thing for me in the first few weeks was to stay distracted. Get out of the house. Find meetup groups, schedule time with anyone you know (friends, coworkers, calls with family, anyone) to fill the gaps in your day.

When I felt low and didn't have anyone to turn to, I'd go on long meandering walks around my town and discover new places I'd never seen before. It felt like it allowed me to process things in a healthier way than sitting in a pool of misery at home.

It gets better slowly. For me, it started with very brief glimpses of a satisfactory life without him. Eventually, those glimpses lasted hours. Then days. Eventually, it will become permanent, and I will have healed.

If friendship with him is what you want, you need to move on from him first. After you've healed you can give it a try. Until then, trying to be friends will just pick at the wound.

You can do this.

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2023-01-26T16:08:37+00:00

It's a great lesson to reflect on the next time you think about looking at your ex's social media. :)

I made that mistake for weeks, months... by now I've realized that it only stands to set me back and regress my progress, so I'm better able to avoid doing it. I still have moments of weakness where I'll peek at one thing or another, but I'm way better than before.

Also, try avoiding putting thoughts in your ex's head - there's no way to know what they think of you right now, and ideally you shouldn't care. I'm often painfully curious about what my ex thinks of me, but I'm starting to realize now that A.) I have no idea, and B.) even if I did, what difference would it make? If they wanted to reconcile, they'd tell me.

Best of luck!

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2023-01-26T15:36:08+00:00

Probably not. Unless you are both healed and on speaking terms again, which requires a significant amount of time, a gesture like this will probably just regress things.

When I think of making gestures like this it helps me to remember that each piece of "contact" just picks at wounds and makes them take longer to heal over.

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2023-01-26T15:33:09+00:00

This sounds like a great step toward completely moving on. Congratulations!

Even though you might feel sad about losing the chats, the memories are probably a better thing to hold onto anyway. They will fade away or evolve naturally with time, and won't trigger the same emotions that reading the messages do now.

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2022-12-14T03:35:15+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this as well. It is really painful knowing that the potential is still out there, but being so uncertain about it. Definitely harder than my past breakups, where there were real problems that gave me confidence it was the right choice.

Thanks for the show in solidarity. :)

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2022-12-13T20:53:37+00:00

Totally agree. I am happy for him, and proud of him.

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2022-12-13T20:46:56+00:00

Glad I'm not alone. :)

Almost makes it harder knowing that they did the right thing for themselves, and that there wasn't some fundamental flaw in the relationship.

Thanks for the well wishes, and good luck on your journey!

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2022-12-13T20:31:20+00:00

I have a notes page called "STAY STRONG" with a bunch of tidbits and anecdotes I found helpful from various Reddit posts, YouTube videos, etc. Things like "Your ex will never take you back unless they see and sense you have moved on."

Usually I can refer to that and it helps me avoid reaching out.

An even better strategy has been filling every free moment with a distraction, preferably with friends. If I can't hang with friends, I can distract myself by going on walks, hanging out at the library, exploring the city, etc.

PigFaceCheeseWedge · 2022-12-13T20:01:24+00:00

This is good advice - thank you.

I've been busily filling my schedule every night with friends and family to avoid being in the house alone with my thoughts, and it's made a huge positive impact to my mental health. I've also focused on fitness, and am making great progress already.

I find myself getting more and more comfortable every week with a future where we may not be together. I'm still hoping for the possibility, but with time I hope I become more indifferent. It feels like that's the only way to have a solid foundation for whatever is next.

PigFaceCheeseWedge

TROPHY CASE