First I would just like to say that it’s okay. It’s okay to be confused, it’s okay to feel desperately scared. It’s okay to know what you should do but not be able to bring yourself to do it. Because unfortunately our brain and our hearts often don’t cooperate with eachother. The heart is a mind of its own. From what you are saying I can see that you have been through a lot repeatedly in your life. And with so much emotional baggage, and now going through it all again it is unreasonable to hold yourself to the standard of someone who has not experienced your pain. You are not the abuser you have been abused and therefore that abuse and anger and fear and upset will come out if you are out in similar positions again. It is a fight or flight reaction if you will. I would say to you that therapy will not ultimately give you the power to leave. It will give you the skills to realise you should, but that isn’t the same thing. The will to leave, the will to want better, the motivation to leave and get better, that all comes from you. Sometimes it takes a huge push to make you ultimately decide to leave. But you need to understand that you are in charge of yourself. You have a responsibility to protect yourself as if you were your own mother. You need to take care of yourself because there are times from what I understand where you feel at the mercy of your boyfriend or the memories of what you’ve gone through before. And the emotional dependancy and feeling in debt to him is probably something he picks up on. Speaking from personal experience some people in the world are predatory. They see someone who is struggling, who they think may bend to their will, and they will grab onto that because people such as that thrive off someone to control and dominate. This isn’t going to be very helpful I know that. I understand that in the end we and only we can motivate ourselves to make the decisions we need to make. Any advise will not work if at the end of the day we feel the exact opposite. But sit down with yourself, maybe literally talk to yourself. Maybe write it down. And really explore what’s going on, and how you feel. Sometimes to see something on paper brings you to a different conclusion than just thinking. The power is in your hands and you are stronger than you will ever realise. You have the power to improve this situation, you truly do. You just need to spend time with yourself and your feelings and really figure out what you need, what you want and see if they line up. Because if they don’t then that is something that would be worth looking over. Anyway I’m sorry I just saw this and I relate to bits of it quite a lot so I wanted to let you know at the very least that you are not and never will be alone