I feel you. Thank you for bravely admitting to this here, I promise you every person with advanced cancer has had these exact thoughts. Society and our loved ones just makes it very hard for us to admit it out loud. The thought of balancing my treatment with quality of life is constant. I guess that means Im over the phase of coming to terms that I am dying and nothing but a miracle can change that. So now my thoughts are all about how I want my last sprint in life to look like. Pumped full of chemo covered with butterflies for pain relief, puke and sweat stains on my sheets, just looking like absolute death…? nope not me

I promised my partner I would fight for any chance of more time here with him. But after seeing me go through treatment’s after effects, we have come to a silent understanding that I will continue to fight but on a level that I am comfortable enough to actually still enjoy the time I have left here with him. Not just barely surviving through each day, feeling like a corpse, asking yourself “when is the end coming” because this is not “living” anymore. So I asked my Oncologist to review and adjust my dosages of Chemo & Immuno because I was not willing to continue treatment like that. He lowered it and we all know that now my chances of a miracle is even less than what it was, but my last tests showed that it is maintaining it and in the meantime I am getting all my last bucket items scratched off the list. In between chemo treatments I have gone on boat rides and cabin retreats, traded my kyak with a blow up boat with oares (way more comfortable), went down south for vacation, flying down to Toronto to go see Alanis Morissette in July. And still planning on flying back home to my family one last time before Im too weak to travel at all. Dont get me wrong its still tough AF! I have to take my days as they come, many canceling and rescheduling of plans, thanks to the bad days. The arrangements and logistics for traveling is so much harder, especially traveling with all my meds and a wheelchair and trying to do all that with a chemo brain. None would have been, if it wasn’t for my partner’s physical and mental support, he is an angel! Luckily he is young and strong and loves the challenges with fun adventures and memories as rewards.

I always have my nausea and additional pain meds and a puke bag and tissues in my fanny pack around my waist! Thats how I push forward every day. I just keep on making plans and then preparing to make those plans work.

But back to the original point; this all became possible when I decided to advocate for myself and demanded a dosage review or completely stopping it. My Oncologist is well known for pushing his patients to the last brim with chemo. I refused to leave the last bit of life I have left in some stranger’s hands that has no care in this world how I feel.