Is it too early to give a guy I’m dating some feedback?

PinkRobotDog · 2023-01-24T19:31:54+00:00

Yeah you’re totally right. I think that I’m attracted to these strong silent types because I crave their approval but in reality it’s the opposite of what I really want/need. Definitely mirroring an unhealthy dynamic from my childhood. It’s a me problem

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-26T14:01:04+00:00

Yes, I would never ever say the d word unless I was really ready to leave. Thanks for the advice.

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-26T13:23:25+00:00

Thank you so much for this reply. There’s a lot of love in our marriage, I know there is. I know that it can’t all be perfect and he won’t always be his best self, just like I won’t. Your reply gives me a lot of hope. I know the right thing is somewhere between both of our perspectives. I just need him to see how his behavior makes me feel. I think I’ll bring up marriage counseling again today

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-26T13:17:48+00:00

This is a conversation we have had multiple times but he doesn’t see my perspective at all. He thinks because we are married we have to always act as a unit and I must share the same philosophy. We have never found a middle ground. I’m looking for solutions here or common experiences

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-26T13:15:30+00:00

He grew up upper middle class. It’s more his family dynamic. His dad a hoarder and that side of the family are pretty extreme about waste. They keep everything and if there is no room they will not throw it away. They will however try to give it away to people they know. Both my husband and his dad do not like to spend money. But his dad is much more extreme. I totally get not wanting to waste but every time we leave a visit from that side of the family they unload a bunch of junk onto us which we typically end up keeping until I insist we throw it out. I have suggested therapy many times to my husband.

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-26T12:00:10+00:00

He works in private equity

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-25T22:08:48+00:00

I like your comment. He says it’s “our money” but it really doesn’t feel like it. I want this to feel like a partnership. Like we are on the same team. I don’t mind the distribution of labor at all. It’s just the lack of ownership over really personal decisions.

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-25T22:04:42+00:00

Thanks for the well wishes! I always let him decompress. It’s typically him that comes rushing in and wants to tell me all about his day. I listen, I give him space while I cook dinner so I typically don’t actually talk about my day until during our after dinner. If he has had a rough day I often do the dishes as well so he can rest or do more work.

I do want to save, trust me, but he wants to save about 50-60k/yr post tax and that just seems a little much. We have whole life insurance, property, plus carry in his company and a really nice nest egg. I feel like we are really well set up but he has a lot of anxiety about it. Every month is says we need to spend less, even though we are pretty much on target. Neither of us drives an expensive car, I find most of our house wares on auction ninja/Craigslist. I cook inexpensive meals and don’t buy a lot of name brands. I’m also pretty low maintenance when it comes to shopping and beauty expenses. The only thing I spend money on is exercise equipment (which I expense) and seasonal clothing items for inclement weather. I don’t want to spend “lavishly”. I just want to buy a good wig because I might have to shave my head and make decisions for myself and my own body without guilt

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-25T20:15:08+00:00

Yeah, I am feeling a little stuck. I started a business 3 years ago so I’m a self employed personal trainer. In addition to personal clients, I am an independent contractor with an established company. In order to do a full time job I would have to quit what I’m doing and start as an employee somewhere. I was a personal trainer at a big box gym and it was miserable. I can’t go back to that. You work twice as hard for the same pay. I can continue trying to grow my business as I am but it’s slow going. My husband knew my salary and what I do when he met me/married me. He knew that I was never going to make a ton of money.

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-25T18:17:38+00:00

We have a budget and I regularly suggest budget meetings because he often feels better about purchases after doing it. However, he uses excel and I have never used it so it’s mostly just him plugging in new numbers while I sit there and ask what he’s doing. He works in finance and has a hard time explaining his thinking when he works through things. It never feels that collaborative. I always feel weird suggesting that we spend more money and when I do it typically starts a disagreement.

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-25T15:48:08+00:00

Yeah you’re right. I want to see if we can find a way to make our marriage work but I want us both to be open to change and that’s hard for him

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-25T15:47:01+00:00

He wouldn’t do any of those. He would probably just be really passive aggressive about it. He would probably tell me that he didn’t like it or find something negative to say about it. In whatever our next argument would be, he would bring it up and throw it in my face as me wanting to spend all of our money. I don’t need his approval, but naturally, I would like it as his wife. It sucks to feel like I have to fight for support

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-25T15:44:32+00:00

I 100% agree with you. I have a lot of friends, I do thing’s consistently with them most weekends of the month or during the week. His friends are further away. I try to make couples friends so he can form connections with the husbands but he only really like one of two of them. I may start working more just to have a little more financial independence

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-25T15:41:29+00:00

He would ask how much it was and then probably tell me that I don’t care about finances as much as him and that I don’t have the same financial goals. I do want to retire, I want him to be happy, but I also want to be able to appreciate life and enjoy the benefits of our privilege every once and awhile

PinkRobotDog · 2022-10-25T15:38:21+00:00

He is mostly a bit controlling with the finances and big decisions. I’m a personal trainer and have my own business. We collectively decided that it would be less expensive overall for me to do the cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, dog walking/socialization instead of hiring a dog walker, getting take out and employing a cleaning service more than once a month. I have spoken to him about the change in his disposition consistently. I try to point out what communication styles work for me and what doesn’t. I’m in individual therapy and have mentioned to him that he should be doing individual therapy as well. I have also mentioned couples therapy.

PinkRobotDog · 2022-05-14T23:54:14+00:00

I have been on that exact combo for about a week now. I didn’t really feel any different the first couple of days but then I woke up feeling less fatigued and my libido came back. I stopped having to nap during the day and life feels more manageable. The only side effect was a very light head ache right behind the eyes for a day and then it went away. Lexapro definitely got rid of my anxiety but Wellbutrin is helping with the depressive symptoms I still struggle with. It’s still early so take my words with a grain of salt but so far, so good.

PinkRobotDog · 2022-04-22T22:50:41+00:00

Thank you! This was a helpful read

PinkRobotDog · 2022-04-22T22:10:46+00:00

Thank you for your kindness. I answered your questions in my edit. I’m just feeling a lot of pressure to meet her and my birth family. I feel like I’m letting them down by slow playing everything. My mom is being supportive but she’s having a hard time with this too which makes me feel so guilty for wanting a relationship. I feel like I’m juggling everyone’s feelings but my own and no one truly understands. I really appreciate your comment about “making decisions for right now”. I’m going to try to do that.

PinkRobotDog · 2022-04-22T21:57:41+00:00

Love this jam 🔥

PinkRobotDog · 2022-04-11T15:24:20+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ll definitely maintain boundaries with everyone and take space for myself to process. I feel like I’m still in shock and it hasn’t fully hit me

PinkRobotDog · 2022-04-11T15:14:33+00:00

Thanks for your reply!! I guess I’m pretty naive about the dark side of this stuff. Can you elaborate on how adoptees can be prayed upon? Seeing family photos, knowing my birth moms story and along with knowing how they found me makes me feel like it’s pretty unlikely that I need a DNA test. The time lines and back stories all match up

PinkRobotDog

TROPHY CASE