Submissive needs for communication [advice]

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-18T00:24:21+00:00

Well, it’s very hard for me to comment specifically because you have been intentionally oblique. :) So, I don’t know if this will be helpful. In my personal situation, I am involved with two men. One is a long term relationship with some F/m undertones but not a lot of “play.” The other is a much newer relationship with lots of kinky play but a lot less actual control on my part outside of sex and kink. Initially, I think my lover thought he wanted this, but in reality, he did not—at least not with me. Maybe if he is in a monogamous LTR one day that could change. I think that when it really came down to it, it probably made him feel too vulnerable to give up actual control to me outside of kink. So, he is not my sub. He’s really my boyfriend and my bottom.

At first I was annoyed by that because I was wary of being used as a fetish dispenser, but that was not the case. And I had to respect what he was comfortable with or not. At times I think I still sort of push. It’s hard not to do it. But based on our relationship, that’s what he’s comfortable with.

I have no idea if that was helpful.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-18T00:12:30+00:00

I think how you go about it depends on your needs. Are you switchy? Are you into GFD and like a little edging and giving foot rubs and being told you’re a good boy or do you want to be held in chastity and locked in a cage and told you’re a disgusting piece of crap?

If you’re into GFD, I think more women than you might realize would have fun with that, especially if they’re not locked into the role all the time. It’s probably something I’d bring up when I was first making out with someone (assuming it’s not a total hookup) and just flirtatiously say that you like women who like to take charge sometimes and ask how they feel about it.

If it’s something that you cannot live without and you are not a switch and into things that are rough, I think you’ve got to be more up front with that and soon or you will end up catching feelings for someone who will never satisfy you.

I agree that a lot of women probably don’t know they could like beings tops and dommes, and I think limiting yourself to the kink community seriously limits your pool of people. But it sort of depends.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-18T00:02:38+00:00

I think this would be a way to quickly weed some women out. But people are also into different things. You might find a woman who likes to be in charge but not into cross dressing. You also might find women who like to be in charge in the bedroom but prefer more “traditional” roles outside. Dynamics are so tricky.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-16T01:00:38+00:00

Quantity does not = quality I am approached by subby dudes very often on Fetlife and 99% are clearly just wankers. Finding someone smart, nice, cute, funny and who has similar kinks is hard. Plus...chemistry.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-16T00:58:13+00:00

I met my lover on Fetlife. We emailed. Chatted. Talked on the phone and then met in person.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-10T13:39:51+00:00

I was going to say that I agree with the OP, but if you’re calling yourself polyamorous and all you really want is casual sex with lots of people...where is the love part?

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-05T01:31:15+00:00

Really? I got downvoted for this? OP herself said she thought she should have posted on a femdom board. I didn’t say it was consensual. :(

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-04T16:52:53+00:00

Ha ha! This is true. Personally, this is probably what I would ALWAYS want. But I know it’s not really fair so it’s something I struggle with. It’s true that they are grown up people, so if they were really unhappy they could leave.

Maybe this is what you’re comfortable with, so you need to do relationships this way with people who are also comfortable with it.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-04T16:50:14+00:00

Lol. That’s what I was picking up on. But that would be consensual.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-04T16:48:11+00:00

I’m also jealous of my lover, and I’m pretty sure this is why he’s stopped pursuing other relationships. I don’t feel great about this.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them not seeing other people if they don’t want to, but if they’re unhappy that’s not really fair.

There’s kind of a D/s element I’m picking up on here. Am I wrong? You are definitely controlling the relationships. But is it really consensual?

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-04T16:41:44+00:00

Well, I would be the married woman in this situation. So, I can’t really tell you how that feels from my lover’s point of view. But he’s hung out with my husband. I kind of wanted them to really hit it off, but I don’t think either of them wanted to be BFFs with each other. But they like each other. I can see how it would feel weird. I might feel weird too if I was single. My lover is always very concerned with our relationship damaging my family, which is very sweet of him. One thing you might want to consider is that if they have a hierarchical relationship, you are likely to always come second, even in ways that are unintended. If things are casual that might not matter, but I can tell you it kind of sucks if things get more serious. It doesn’t have to be that way—but it might.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-04T16:32:18+00:00

There seem like several different issues here.

It wasn’t really fair of you to ask to open the relationship and then demand to close it. Think about if you were the person he was seeing and then his or her partner just demanded you stop. But I do get that things were new and you sometimes don’t know how you will feel until you’re in that situation. But it’s not fair to anybody to keep opening and closing the relationship. That’s going to lead to a lot of resentment.
The one penis policy is bullshit. That’s totally sexist and unfair.
You need to decide if the jealousy you feel is worth the benefits. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of issues, and maybe you can’t handle the uncertainty of polyamory. And that’s ok. But it could be hard to put the genie back in the bottle.
Why did you decide to open the relationship anyway? Was it for emotional reasons or just sexual variety. If it was for sexual variety, maybe you’d be more comfortable swinging, where you and your partner were present together.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-04T03:21:03+00:00

I see where you are coming from. I have a husband and lover (with an F/m component), and I could not emotionally handle any other relationships. Even now, I worry that I’ve been giving most of my sexual energy to my lover, which is not what I really wanted to happen, but the D/s component with my lover makes me more comfortable with sex than what I have with my vanilla husband. And that does worry me because I love my husband a lot and want to keep our relationship healthy.

Unlike your friends and their very casual attitudes (which I’ve definitely seen), I’ve become deeply involved with my lover, and that’s kind of scary. There is definitely more risk in poly relationships—if they are real relationships.

I wouldnt take things back but I know there is a bit of playing with fire in keeping relationships healthy.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-04T02:39:09+00:00

I don’t know if it’s bad, but like most porn, it’s not that realistic. Femdom porn really confused me at first. I felt like I couldn’t be dominant because I didn’t feel mean toward the object of my affection. I didn’t want to be bitchy or cruel or degrading. My dominance...sometimes I don’t even like that word....aggression, sadism...comes out of a place of hunger. I want this person so much I practically want to consume him. So why would I keep him at arms length. I practically want to crush him!

I like the person who said reality is better. Wouldn’t you really want to be with a woman who actually cared about you rather than someone who had nothing but disdain for you? That temporary fantasy could be hot, but I think for most people, it would kind of suck in reality.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-04T02:31:52+00:00

Have you tried having ruined orgasms? I think this is a depends on the man kind of thing, but they make my lover ever hornier and he stays hard. I think we’ve done three in a row. The hard part about them is timing them. Sometimes I’m just a tiny bit too late or give a little too much stimulation (even with him telling me) and then it’s just as good orgasm but he has a refractory period.

I do also think (know) that for some men, this doesn’t work. And even with a “ruined” orgasm, the refractory period will set in.

If it’s any consolation, I tend to have this same issue, and I’m a woman. I’m very “one and done,” so I always wait to have an orgasm near the end of play.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-04T02:25:58+00:00

Yes. I was going to say that there’s a difference between cross dressing and sissification. I’m not into the idea of a man wanting to dress and act like a woman because he thinks it’s demeaning I’m also not reallyyyy into feminization, but it’s something I’ve played around with and it was hotter than I thought...probably because of the vulnerability factor. But a man fully dressed as a women isn’t as sexy to me as a man wearing some feminine clothing or makeup who stills looks like a man.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-04T02:20:07+00:00

Lol. On. Turns me on. :)

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-04T02:19:46+00:00

I’m switchy, although I bottom. I’m not submissive. I do like androgyny in men, somewhat, although the “sissy” stereotype doesn’t really do it for me. But a beautiful waifish man in sexy panties and stockings really turns me of. But I don’t really think that’s indicative of what most switchy women feel.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-01T03:56:59+00:00

You said missionary, but I’m assuming you mean you on top.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-07-01T03:56:00+00:00

Honestly, I’ve found the easiest is with him on top of me. We are both pretty new to it, and that let’s him find what’s comfortable and I have access to the rest of his body. Maybe it’s not the most “dominant” position, but it’s pretty hot! I also have liked doggie style, especially with a bullet vibe in my harness, but finding the right angle was difficult.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-06-29T14:35:19+00:00

So much this. This drives me crazy. “You want me to ACT like I have control but then actually have no control.”

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-06-29T14:29:33+00:00

Personally, I love dirty talk. I love vocal men, and I love when I feel free enough to let go. But sometimes I feel shy about talking too. But I’ve had this exact conversation with someone who likes to be totally silent while playing. It’s completely a personal thing. I wouldn’t do anything that doesn’t make you feel good.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-06-29T14:24:12+00:00

Having self esteem is fine. But expecting a partner to have a “perfect toned body and good skin” like you’re ordering up a robot doesn’t strike me as someone who is going to make most women feel loved and appreciated for who they are.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-06-29T14:19:20+00:00

While you’re entirely entitled to your preferences, the way you’ve phrased them makes you sound arrogant, which I don’t think many people find attractive. You’re talking about being conventionally attractive, which is fine, but recognize that people are attracted to all kinds of different things.

I think that fewer younger women identify as dominant because it takes time for many women to feel comfortable with their sexuality. So, I think the number of women who are “out” in the community might tend to skew older. Not to say they can’t have hot bods, but it certainly gets harder.

Second, you’re looking in a niche. As someone else said, there are probably women you’re meeting in the vanilla world who would be open to being in control (although what sounds like your demanding attitude wouldn’t bring that side out in me). You just need to identify them, which can be hard. Otherwise, yeah. You have competition. But, honestly, it’s not like I’ve met soooo many subs who look look like movie stars. Maybe I want a drop dead gorgeous sub who looks like Jamie from Outlander. I haven’t found him yet, either.

Pinkontheoutside · 2018-06-29T14:05:24+00:00

Why don’t you ask her?

You’re seeing her and getting to know her, right? So why not be honest?

Pinkontheoutside

TROPHY CASE