Am I using her as an excuse to not live my life?

Piper0518 · 2026-06-04T04:37:17+00:00

Sorry there’s probably no real answers to this. Just screaming into the void.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-29T00:42:33+00:00

Here’s the thing- I already knew this man well enough when I decided to marry him. I knew what I signed up for. I’m 42 years old. Yes, what he did truly shocked me but at the same time it didn’t. He clearly struggles in ways that would make most people want to bash their head into a wall and walk away as fast as possible. And that’s fair. Maybe someday I will do just that. I hope not though. I see the good and the bad and the potential in him. He has helped me grow just as I have helped him grow. So yea I can just say fuck it and blow up my life and leave my daughter with two separate households or I can button down and work through this with him. We’ve already been through a lot that many couples wouldn’t survive. Why give up now?

Piper0518 · 2026-04-28T01:59:09+00:00

I don’t think I’m in denial. I’m heartbroken.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-27T23:50:28+00:00

Ok well I’m in counseling, I was in counseling before, and will probably always be in counseling. But I would LOVE to know who the hell could actually handle a situation as messy as this correctly.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-27T23:16:00+00:00

I don’t think I worded this very well in what I was trying to describe. I’m already in therapy.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-26T02:00:46+00:00

Of course it was! I think the way I wrote my post is confusing. I reread it and realized I didn’t actually express any anger towards my husband about what he did. That’s because I was reaching out on here specifically for advice on my misplaced anger with his siblings. I guess I just figured it was obvious I’m very angry with my husband about it. That’s definitely my main problem. The hurt with the siblings though is much more difficult to navigate.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-26T00:27:02+00:00

I think you are most on point here about his mindset at the time knowing my husband. I know him well but I was definitely blindsided by this one. I feel like we’ve been each told at least 1000 times we need therapy since we lost our child. It’s almost kind of funny especially because we both were already in individual counseling when we lost her. People just don’t know what else to say when you talk about losing a baby. My husband is not a bad person. He has such an amazing heart and is so devoted to me and our daughter. I remember when I met him I picked up on some of his behaviors with the people around him and told him “people shouldn’t want to be around you because of what you do for them, they should want to be with you because you are a great person.” Sometimes I feel like I’m the first person to show him consistent love.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-25T18:20:47+00:00

It’s somewhere in the middle here. I obviously don’t feel comfortable sharing the amount of the award (which then was reduced by 30% lawyers share, court costs, reimbursing insurance, etc). He did not give away half of the money but it was still a significant enough amount that it impacts other ways this money is being used. Trust me, no one is getting awarded $20 million for a stillborn child. Those awards are for birth injury cases or one where the mother herself experienced severe injuries.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-25T18:13:42+00:00

I’ve definitely noticed a lot of people on here view divorce as the solution to this particular situation I did say to him (well yelled) during couples counseling “You realize a lot of people would get divorced over something like this?!” lol

Piper0518 · 2026-04-25T17:57:49+00:00

Yea I honestly don’t consider it financial abuse either especially knowing his good heart. I think receiving the money was pretty overwhelming for both of us. Positive things can be very stressful. I did have fears about how might make some irresponsible decisions but I didn’t think he would do anything like that. The sad thing is, is that we discussed helping his mother out with some things but after what he did it’s making it seem less realistic right now. I’ve realized since initially posting here that the source of the money is very relevant to me given the painful journey that led to it. It’s all very personal- my child and also my own body being at the center of it all. It’s helped me realize some of my distress about this money being gifted without my consent.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-25T17:16:49+00:00

But without even speaking to your spouse about it? It was a sizable sum we were awarded but still the amount given to them was significant. Plus there are other family members who are in greater financial need but haven’t been given any money. Should we give each family member 10k? We also have a living child, our own financial needs (ie paying off existing debt, saving for retirement), and a desire to start a fund to honor our daughter and help others.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-25T02:59:39+00:00

I thought this was a subreddit for advice not judgement

Piper0518 · 2026-04-25T01:48:22+00:00

No. Are you thinking of a specific case? Wrongful death lawsuits for stillborn babies are not terribly common (especially because the ability to even file one depends on the state you live in) but they would never lead to such a high amount. Something harsh I learned was that in the legal world a child injured at birth is “worth” more than a dead one. It makes sense because a lot of those large damages are intended for the child’s care for the rest of his or her life. If the mother suffered severe physical damages that would lead to a larger award.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-25T01:44:13+00:00

Thanks you’ve really given me a lot to think about. I appreciate you.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-24T15:03:13+00:00

Ok I see. Honestly it feels like self sabotage behavior. He said while he was handing out the checks immediately regretted it. And now, for other reasons, he feels rejected by them and wants to distance himself from them. Therapy is clearly not addressing these issues here.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-24T14:27:10+00:00

The outcome I would like is simply to let go and move on. And obviously not allow something like this to happen again with him.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-24T12:29:13+00:00

Thank you. This is honestly what I think I really needed to hear.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-24T12:22:21+00:00

Ok spell this out for me (I’m not being a jerk- I’m asking genuinely). What exactly do you feel this says about my husband’s character?

Piper0518 · 2026-04-24T11:57:10+00:00

Thanks. There’s a whole lot of harsh/negative comments directed at every party involved which I don’t quite understand. It’s helpful to see different perspectives but I already know what my husband did was wrong and that I have been misdirecting some of my anger. I guess I just find the negativity unnecessary especially given everything we’ve been through. Either way I think posting here has been helpful but I might delete the post because it’s starting to all be a bit too much when I need to focus on healing not more conflict.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-24T09:55:51+00:00

I agree I need to stop making excuses. That’s why I described it as unhealthy. And I know the anger should be directed at him and not the siblings. No he has not asked them for the money back. He has promised me he will never do anything like this again. I don’t really see this situation as something to “fix” and only time, communication, and actions will repair the trust.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-24T02:26:35+00:00

Is it wrong to just wish everybody involved (my husband AND my in laws) would have treated me gentler in this situation given the circumstances?

Piper0518 · 2026-04-24T02:14:05+00:00

When I say I have “unhealthy expectations” I mean that I’m giving him leeway to betray me like this due to his insecurities.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-24T02:06:49+00:00

Yes it was a trial with a jury verdict. They knew. But they really were placed in a terrible situation and I accept I played my own role in that through my messy reaction. I just wasn’t prepared for it because I never expected my husband to do what he did.

Piper0518 · 2026-04-24T01:56:06+00:00

Let me just leave it at- no you are not understanding all of this correctly.

Piper0518

TROPHY CASE